Family Matters
QCgirl4life
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL's medical issues
So, I haven't been on here for quite some time, but i'm needing some therapuetic relief without the drama of facebook. lol. So my MIL is constantly complaining of all kinds of health problems. Nothing really serious, (unless you ask her). And she's not that old, not even 50 yet. She has insisted on having tests on all kinds of things, most of which come back negative. Just recently, shes been complaining of trouble breathing when she sleeps. After she had the sleep study she insisted on and all kinds of tests, it all came back negative. Today, I get a txt from my BIL saying she is in the ER with chest pain. I feel so bad sometimes, because I know she probably is having some pain and she has a very low pain tolerance, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if she does it mostly for attention or to get more pain medicine. Like recently I told my MIL that my husband worries alot about her health issues and so now I wonder if she is partly making everything out to be so much worse than it is because she knows she is getting some kind of attention. I just hate having to see my husband worrying so much. I seriously think this woman may be a hypochondriac or something. Can anyone relate?
Re: MIL's medical issues
My widowed aunt is constantly on the phone with my dad - they talk at least once a week - and her life is all about her medical stuff. Granted, she's quite a bit older so these things are somewhat expected at her age, but every so often if she can't get a hold of my dad right away she'll make it sound like something is an emergency when she really just wants someone to talk to.
@Wife Kitty - Yes, my FIL is still around. He is kind of the same way actually. He has alot of health issues and it seems like something new is always coming up. I think I just have like a constant mix of worrying about them and being a little frustrated that they don't take better care of themselves.
I know thats awful of me.
@Disneygeek77 - I've known her for 9 years now and although I didn't see this kind of behavior in her at first, my husband says she has always been the kind to go to the ER for every kind of pain. I personally think she is always under stress which causes alot of physical issues, cause yes, my FIL recently got fired, so..... I've done some research and I think its probably some underlying thing, like Illness Anxiety Disorder or Histrionic Personality Disorder. She has been through some traumatic stuff in her life. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad that it has relieved. I would really like for my MIL to see some kind of counselor, but have no idea how to bring that up without offending her. I dunno.
Thank you both for the advice.
If you were to humour her then you can simple incorporate that into your existing communication with her. How are you feeling? And then prepare to listen to the response (grab a seat and some popcorn if you're with her in person, pick up a good book if you're on the phone). Get used to using phrases like 'that's awful!' and 'you poor thing!' and remind yourself that this is important to HER, so just leave it be. She's in the hospital for chest pains? Tell her that wow, you are so sorry - hopefully it isn't too severe, like it turned out to be last time. Give us a call if things change or the doctor comes back with the results.
Or you can try to change her behaviour by finding out the root cause of it. If it is attention seeking (like a lot of hypochondria) - how could she get fulfilling attention elsewhere? Does she have friends? Hobbies? Does she see her family often? What is keeping her busy and happy? Because when she is feeling lonely she suddenly has chest pain and is in the ER and surrounded by her concerned family, flowered with attention and love and then people are checking up on her for days after, right?
In my own experience, my step-father's mother was like this, but quite extreme. She had mental health issues as well, and would call my mother and step-father nearly every day telling them that her kidney's felt like they were floating, she felt like she had cancer, she thinks her leg is broken, etc. She would also call to talk about vacuuming the living room and stuff like that, but it was the health related stuff that I remember my mother laughing and complaining about.
My mother and step-father changed our phone number, had it unlisted and didn't give it to his mother. His siblings eventually did the same. And I will always, always remember the policeman coming to our door in the night to tell us that she had died, alone, at home - that same year.
My mother is still fine with her decision to not give her MIL a way to contact them. My step-father I don't think is. Sometimes the people we love can be annoying and frustrating, but they are often worth learning to deal with rather than being overly harsh. Maybe if you looked to find the root cause you can learn to deal with this in a way that isn't so frustrating for you?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Thanks @Tofumonkey .... The way i typically go is humoring her. I guess it seems to be working so far. Maybe one day all of her doctor visits will produe a visit with a mental health clinician and we could figure out whats going on with that.
Its nice to know i'm not the only one that has family like this. Thanks again for the advice.
Anyway, my dad was at his wits end because she wouldn't go to counselling but something was clearly wrong and needed to be addressed. Her Fibromyalgia had kept her completely bed ridden and helpless for 5 YEARS. Doctor's never found anything wrong with her. He got her into counselling at my suggestion of making HER want to go.
She had been through SO much and was being so strong with all of her awful health issues for SO long... nobody can take that kind of pressure and burden. She is such an amazingly strong woman and it's important to tell someone about her journey and all that she has been through. She doesn't need help with it, no, but it is so difficult for other people to understand because they haven't been through that kind of struggle. They can try, but it's important for someone to understand and hear what she has gone through that can truly comprehend the severity of it, and how strong she is in having come through it. It's important to share that journey - not only could it help other people but it's so important to talk to someone that can help you to process everything that you have been through with your health. I can't imagine the nightmare this must be.
blah blah blah.
End of story - she gladly went to counseling and he no longer texts me in the middle of the night threatening to bury her in the back yard.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk