WWGPD? BC Related/ Vent-ish (Loss mentioned)

brij2006 · May 2014

Okay, so as you girls know we are currently TTA. If we begin to TTC again (even on our own), we need to move to the RE to get assistance in staying pregnant to avoid more CP's and M/C's. We are doing the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover to get 100% debt free before moving forward with starting a family. We feel that it's just the best decision for us right now and will give us the most options and opportunity for me to work Part time or SAH for a while after baby is born. It puts us at about 2 years or less before that happens.

I've been doing the PCOS/Gluten Free diet to get my cycles in line. Well this month and last month I ovulated on my own on CD15 (yay!!!). We said that we would re-discuss the birth control options after 3 cycles of ovulation. Which this makes #3 of ovulating on my own. I told H a couple of weeks ago that I want to get the non-hormonal IUD put in until we're fully ready to TTC again with the RE. He was pretty adamant that he doesn't want me to go back on BC at all, and has expressed multiple times that he's fine with continuing to "let things happen" while we pay off the debt. I'm 100% against that at this point and do not want to "let things happen" and risk another loss. I also feel that at this time I need to not worry about TTC/3T and focus on getting myself into a better state mentally and focus on paying down our debts before moving forward. Honestly, the thought of seeing 2 pink lines right now scares the crap out of me.

We could use NFP if my cycles stay this way (which would be awesome), but I told H the other day that I was in my FW and we needed to be careful. His comment was that if it happened then it would be a blessing. Yes, it would. It really would, but I can't willingly try right now and set myself up for the heartbreak it could create. I've discussed this with him multiple times over and have asked him if he's 100% okay with us getting pregnant again and going through yet another loss. He says he has his days where he wants to keep trying. Then other days he doesn't and wants to focus on other things in the meantime. So he isn't 100% either direction, and says he wants to make the decision on a week by week basis. I just can't do that. We're either trying or we're not. None of this "let's just see" crap.

So, should I just make the appointment and take the reigns in my hands and tell him "tough sh*t" I'm getting the non-hormonal IUD so we have to make a full effort before TTC again?

I absolutely love my husband, and I know this has been a hard year for the both of us. So emotions are all over the place right now, but I can't continue the yo-yo of "today we're trying, today now we're not." I've brought the IUD up twice since, and he's still telling me not to get it. I've tried explaining to him that it isn't any hormones and I would continue the diet to get normal cycles while on it. When I spoke with my MW about it, she said she likes to see women have it in for a minimum of a year. So we would be making the full decision to not change our minds for the next year. Which he says he doesn't want to do.
I'm about ready to just make the appointment and tell him it's my body and my choice. I'm taking the reigns to prevent until he tells me every day for a month straight that he's ready to TTC again and move to the RE. Until then, this thing will stay in. But I feel like a royal b*tch pulling that card, because it's our family choice too.

mrsvedo · May 2014

That's such a hard decision and I don't really have any advice but wanted to send lots of hugs. Hope you're able to work it out and come to something you both are comfortable with.

islandmonkey8 · May 2014

I wouldn't do it without your husband being on board with it. It is your body, but you are both in this together. Do you think maybe if you both sat down with a counselor/intermediary it might help you to come to a decisions together as to a BC method? Is he at least okay with using condoms during your fertile window?

MrsFreeman2010 · May 2014

I would agree with Island Monkey, I wouldn't do it without DH's support but I totally get where you are coming from. I think a counselor or someone might help in the meantime. TTC and 3T is such a hard, crappy road but I think decisions have to be made together. Hopefully you guys can come to a good compromise. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Aimothy · May 2014

I honestly would tell my husband that either I'm getting an IUD or he's not going to get to have sex with me for the next two years.

brij2006 · May 2014

Aimothy said:

I honestly would tell my husband that either I'm getting an IUD or he's not going to get to have sex with me for the next two years.

This is what I'm about ready to say to him, but I know he's hurting with this decision too.

nfp147 · May 2014

I'm sorry you're in this position.

I would try to make him see how you are feeling about not wanting to risk another loss, but in the end I would do what I want with my body.

amandaf6383 · May 2014

I agree with @aimothy and @nfp147. I'm sorry he's hurting as well but it is your body. I hope you figure it out together!

ecinereb · May 2014

I feel like IUD's are a long term BC method. Like you said a minimum of a year. I feel like you and your DH have changed your minds multiple times about TTC/TTA/NNT many times in the past year and unless you are both completely on the same page about TTA for the next year I wouldn't do it. I also definitely wouldn't do it without my DH on board.

brij2006 · May 2014

@madeline10l Right now we're doing condoms from CD9 till my FW. So that part is fine. It's just when I tell him on CD14 that I'm having all the signs of O, he will say "let's give it a shot." NO! He obliges and we use protection, but I don't even want the option to change our minds right now.

lindsayandjamie · May 2014

I wouldn't use an IUD for only a year and if my DH wasn't on board. Could you just not tell him when your FW was until it is obviously over? Then its just condoms until you clear him?

alexisanna44 · May 2014

I feel like if he wasn't ready you wouldn't push him and he should have that same respect for you. I'd probably tell him that you're TTA and would like to discuss how exactly to do that. TTC is not on the table. End of story.

Flamingo86 · May 2014

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It's been a very difficult year for both of you. I don't have any additional advice for you, but I hope you and your H can find common ground.

FWIW, the copper IUD made me feel like crap. Some people love it and it may work great for you, but be prepared for some potentially obnoxious cycles if you go this route.

brij2006 · May 2014

@flamingo86 Was that the one you just got removed?

DangerMuffin23 · May 2014

I'm all for using condoms and not telling him where I am in the cycle. But I'm also not cool with washy washy. You can't plan a future on week by week emotions. :-(

brij2006 · May 2014

ecinereb said:

I feel like IUD's are a long term BC method. Like you said a minimum of a year. I feel like you and your DH have changed your minds multiple times about TTC/TTA/NNT many times in the past year and unless you are both completely on the same page about TTA for the next year I wouldn't do it. I also definitely wouldn't do it without my DH on board.

I know we've gone back and forth way too many times since the loss. It's getting to the point where I feel like one of us needs to make the final decision here, and it's obviously not going to be him.

But I also don't want to do this without him on board.

cinderin · May 2014

If it were me, I would talk to him about committing to TTA and using condoms. I wouldn't get an our just for a year (jmo).

OohSparkly13 · May 2014

IUD's kinda scare me. I've heard so many horror stories of things going wrong. I know more people have good experiences with them than bad but it still freaks me out.

I'm jumping on the condom bandwagon with this one. As for your H, maybe sit down and talk to him and pretty much say that you won't do the "let's just see" thing and that it is just not a position you can handle right now...physically or emotionally.

BruinsBabe33 · May 2014

I agree with @ecinereb You guys have gone back and forth so many times. I think you would regret doing an IUD. I don't think that you will be TTA for a full year.

nic77du · May 2014

Former GPer jumping in. I just wanted to say I had a negative IUD experience, and I definitely did not do thorough enough research on them before deciding to get one. I have had it out for almost a year, and am still having bad side effects from it. All I can say, if you choose an IUD, do all kinds of research. They can have such lasting impacts on your future (both fertility wise and other health aspects) that I would never never recommend them to another person.

Flamingo86 · May 2014

@Brij2006 sorry I'm late to reply. Yes the copper IUD is the one I had removed. I know a lot of women love it, it just wasn't for me.

Xan921 · May 2014

Being that you've been so back and forth with TTC/TTA, I don't think an IUD is the best way to go as that is normally only for long term bc. I'd just be straight with your Dh and tell him you're not ready to TTC and this "whatever happens" method is not mentally or emotionally good for you. I know that couples are in this together but when it comes down to it it is your body, your choice and your mental and physical health that you have to think about, not his.

amccul20 · May 2014

I think it would be a good idea for you two to work through this with a counselor. it could help you two come to a resolution about BC and also work through some of the emotions of the losses.

I wouldn't get an IUD at this point since he's not on board and because you only have a yearish until you start TTC again.

BruinsBabe33 · May 2014

Have you thought about a diaphragm?

brij2006 · May 2014

BruinsBabe33 said:

Have you thought about a diaphragm?

We attempted that before TTC, and H didn't really trust it. I couldn't get it to be in the right position and not move during.

We talked about it more this weekend, and he said he's not going to mention letting things happen again until I'm fully ready to TTC again. He said he didn't realize how much of a mind game that played with me and how determined I am that we will not be TTC right now. He said he thought I was still fine with getting pregnant right now. Even though we discussed not getting pregnant a month ago. He said that he thought I was meaning I didn't want to be "trying" to get pregnant. So no more temping, OPK's, or RE. Um, no I need a break and want to avoid.
So no IUD for now, and we're going to continue NFP if my cycles continue to be normal.

My appointment with the therapist is next Wednesday, and I'm going to mention about having H and I do a couple of sessions with the reproductive therapist. I feel like maybe that would give us some closure to the past year and a half and make me feel like getting pregnant again would be exactly that, getting pregnant. Right now I view it as the possibility of losing another child, not creating a child and getting our family.

WWGPD? BC Related/ Vent-ish (Loss mentioned)

Re: WWGPD? BC Related/ Vent-ish (Loss mentioned)

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