Family Matters
bethieb123
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Do I have to go to father's funeral?
This is complicated, but is it wrong that I don't want to go to my father's funeral?
We don't have a typical relationship - haven't talked in 3 yrs nothing bad just he's been sick and distant since I was a kid and I live across the country - plus he's an alcoholic. Even so I don't want people to think his only kid doesn't care, but I keep thinking to myself that I shouldn't care what a bunch of strangers might think, I have to do what's right for me.
He didn't have a will so that's a mess but I'm dealing with it over the phone.
When I heard he was in ICU last month my dh, dd, and I flew down and said our goodbyes so I feel like I got closure. But I feel like I'm expected to go now too.
I don't think I'm up for another last minute cross country flight with a toddler (with two layovers) - the last trip she did very well but it was Hard! (And expensive).
I could go on my own for a few days and leave dd behind with my husband, but I've never been away from her like that and I have zero desire to do so. I just feel like that's what's expected of me.
I'm the only family he has but I know his old friends from his small town will show up, distant cousins, and my mom (his ex) will be there. But I feel bad thinking of my mom making excuses for me.
All that being said I don't feel I will have regrets staying home. I said goodbye, he's gone now, and I can honor his memory from here with the people I care about. BUT is that wrong, am I abnormal to not feel the need to go to the funeral? If you were in this situation what would you do??
We don't have a typical relationship - haven't talked in 3 yrs nothing bad just he's been sick and distant since I was a kid and I live across the country - plus he's an alcoholic. Even so I don't want people to think his only kid doesn't care, but I keep thinking to myself that I shouldn't care what a bunch of strangers might think, I have to do what's right for me.
He didn't have a will so that's a mess but I'm dealing with it over the phone.
When I heard he was in ICU last month my dh, dd, and I flew down and said our goodbyes so I feel like I got closure. But I feel like I'm expected to go now too.
I don't think I'm up for another last minute cross country flight with a toddler (with two layovers) - the last trip she did very well but it was Hard! (And expensive).
I could go on my own for a few days and leave dd behind with my husband, but I've never been away from her like that and I have zero desire to do so. I just feel like that's what's expected of me.
I'm the only family he has but I know his old friends from his small town will show up, distant cousins, and my mom (his ex) will be there. But I feel bad thinking of my mom making excuses for me.
All that being said I don't feel I will have regrets staying home. I said goodbye, he's gone now, and I can honor his memory from here with the people I care about. BUT is that wrong, am I abnormal to not feel the need to go to the funeral? If you were in this situation what would you do??
Re: Do I have to go to father's funeral?
Send his next of kin that is planning the funeral (you can do this via the funeral home if you do not know what person is in charge of details for your dad's burial/cremation) a floral arrangement, a sympathy card and if applicable, a Mass card.
Send them to the funeral home and advise the funeral director to forward them to the person who is in charge of the arrangements.
If it's you rmother who is doing the planning, send the card or cards to her and the flowers go to the funeral home.
Sorry for your loss; you are right; a cross country flight for you is not feasible. (maybe you can add a note and put it inside the sympathy card saying why you could not be there).
Wishing you luck. Again, sorry for your loss.
I wish it was that simple
Well, now that you've said you are next of kin and doing the arrangements, yes, you have to be there as a matter of course. TO make sure things go well and to make sure you're getting what you paid for by the funeral home.
Make sure the guests leave their full addresses so that you can send thank yous and acknowledfgemengs. You'd be surprised how many people forget to leave their addresses.
If you have photos of your dad or parents or you and your dad and family growing up, it's always nice to post them at the funeral home. Photos are great and they bring back memories.