Fiance spending time with other woman?

bridetobemnm07 · May 2014

So recently, my fiance has been spending more time with a woman we both work with. He went to a volleyball tournament in April with her and actually missed part of a family get together. He showed up to my parents after the games ended and I ended up being ok with it.

About a week later he told me he was going to do a relay race with her in May. We have a birthday party that day, that he will probably miss now.

And most recently he joined a summer volleyball league with her. He told me the other day the first game is next week. I did say I'd join the league with him and he said it was too late, he already paid for it and teams are already all set. It's bothering me and I told him but all he says is I'm being jealous. Which I guess I am.

He has also recently been going out every weekend either Friday or Saturday. And I don't know where, when he will be home, if he needs a ride, anything. He comes home whenever he feels like it; 12, 1 2am.

I feel very unimportant to him and I don't know how to go about it. We are engaged to be married in September. I want to improve the relationship as we have been together for 5 years and I care and love him. I just feel like he has been distant although he says he hasn't. Any advice would be helpful! Thanks, in advance.

doeydo · May 2014

bridetobemnm07 said:

So recently, my fiance has been spending more time with a woman we both work with. He went to a volleyball tournament in April with her and actually missed part of a family get together. He showed up to my parents after the games ended and I ended up being ok with it.

About a week later he told me he was going to do a relay race with her in May. We have a birthday party that day, that he will probably miss now.

And most recently he joined a summer volleyball league with her. He told me the other day the first game is next week. I did say I'd join the league with him and he said it was too late, he already paid for it and teams are already all set. It's bothering me and I told him but all he says is I'm being jealous. Which I guess I am.
Maybe she is just a friend and they are interested in the same things, such as volleyball, so they decided to join a team together, etc. If this friend was a man would you feel jealous still? Has he given you an real reason to be suspicious of an affair or him being attracted to her?
He has also recently been going out every weekend either Friday or Saturday. And I don't know where, when he will be home, if he needs a ride, anything. He comes home whenever he feels like it; 12, 1 2am.
Do you two live together? And he is out all hours of the night and doesn't tell you where he is/was? That would not be OK with me...
I feel very unimportant to him and I don't know how to go about it. We are engaged to be married in September. I want to improve the relationship as we have been together for 5 years and I care and love him. I just feel like he has been distant although he says he hasn't. Any advice would be helpful! Thanks, in advance. Are you sure you want to marry him? Because it sounds like you don't trust him to even have female friends, and him being out late without telling you shit has got to stop too.

VOR · May 2014

So- your FI is into volleyball. Is she too and is it just coincidence? As the PP asked- if this were a guy, would you care? My DH recently got into running. I have NO desire to run. Most of the people we know who are runners are women - so, he's been talking to a lot of them and is even doing a 1/2 in Sept w/ a female friend.

That in and of itself... eh, doesn't bother me.

BUT. the rest of it? Um... honey, please do some deep thinking here, a lot of talking with him, etc. Figure this out. Don't get married just because it's planned and you've been together for 5 years and think that you HAVE to.

Going out w/o telling you OR inviting you? Who's he with? Do you even know? And yeah- I do wonder- is she going out w/ him>

While on it's own, the sports thing w/ the woman doesn't bother me, in conjunction with the rest of it, it does. Does he like the attention? Is he questioning if he's ready to get married? Or... is he out and out cheating?

FIGURE THIS OUT. Don't force a square peg into a round hole, don't ignore the red flags, don't keep blinders on. FIGURE THIS OUT sooner rather than later.

TarponMonoxide · May 2014

bridetobemnm07 said:

So recently, my fiance has been spending more time with a woman we both work with. He went to a volleyball tournament in April with her and actually missed part of a family get together. He showed up to my parents after the games ended and I ended up being ok with it.

About a week later he told me he was going to do a relay race with her in May. We have a birthday party that day, that he will probably miss now.

And most recently he joined a summer volleyball league with her. He told me the other day the first game is next week. I did say I'd join the league with him and he said it was too late, he already paid for it and teams are already all set. It's bothering me and I told him but all he says is I'm being jealous. Which I guess I am.

He has also recently been going out every weekend either Friday or Saturday. And I don't know where, when he will be home, if he needs a ride, anything. He comes home whenever he feels like it; 12, 1 2am.

I feel very unimportant to him and I don't know how to go about it. We are engaged to be married in September. I want to improve the relationship as we have been together for 5 years and I care and love him. I just feel like he has been distant although he says he hasn't. Any advice would be helpful! Thanks, in advance.

The run and the other sports shit is no big thang.

But what is: how he stays out does as he wishes and does not account for his time. You're not a warden, but the point is that he is going out and coming home when he wishes is fishy. At least to me it is.

If you are uncomfortable with his Friday night activity, I'd advise you to get to the bottom of what's going on before you get married. I guarantee you that that activity will not end once the wedding and honeymoon is over.

I'm not saying he is up to no good but gee, that he just vanishes and who knows where he is going is not great. I will bet if you try to call him his phone is off.

Get to the bottom of this mess. Postpone the wedding if you have to until you find out what's what.

And if it turns out he is spending time with this other lady, end it completely with him. He's got no business going anywhere with her --- he's got no business staying out until 2 am -- and I guarantee you somebody somewhere is picking him up. And that itself is just bad news: who IS this that is picking him up and what is up with this top secret shit where he's going?

DaringMiss · May 2014

Postpone this wedding. The loss of a deposit or two is NOTHING compared to the emotional/financial loss of a divorce.

The volleyball thing isn't as much of a problem for me as the weekend disappearances. That is a giant red flag. You know it -- that is why you are posting about it. *You* may want to "improve" the relationship, but he doesn't. He is not doing a single thing to bring the two of you closer together. In fact, he is pushing to spend more time away from you. Those are not the actions of a man eager to be married.

I could suggest pre-marital counseling and heart to heart talks, but honestly, there isn't any point. He isn't going to want to go. You know that.

He is a coward who wants doesn't want to get married, but lacks the stones to tell you. If I were to guess, he is "affairing out" -- cheating on you hoping to get you to break up with him. Do yourself the favor, and show him the door now.

You deserve a man who is happy and excited to start life with you -- who is transparent about where he is going and who he is spending time with. Doesn't that sound wonderful? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't forthright with you? Who spends his time trying not to spend it with you?

flounder31 · May 2014

It sound like he's cheating on you. My husband would never join a team without inviting me and if the places got filled for me to join, he would find another he could do with me. Also, he's leaving and not telling you where he is going. You know this is weird. Wake up and smell the coffee. And, the whole "your a jealous girl" BS he's feeding you is just a manipulation tactic so that you'll stop asking questions.

TarponMonoxide · May 2014

flounder31 said:

It sound like he's cheating on you. My husband would never join a team without inviting me and if the places got filled for me to join, he would find another he could do with me. Also, he's leaving and not telling you where he is going. You know this is weird. Wake up and smell the coffee. And, the whole "your a jealous girl" BS he's feeding you is just a manipulation tactic so that you'll stop asking questions.

And even if you are not into sports or teams, I am sure there is a way he can accommodate you! Aren't there get togethers after runs and group parties and such? Or wow, even if a bunch of them go out, he can include you.

And even if you might be a fiftth wheel or vice versa, he can invite you along if he's just going to spend time having an up and up beer with this young woman.

You're also being left on the shelf, in a way.

BlueBirdMB · May 2014

He leaves and doesn't tell you where he's going? That was the only part of this story I needed to know that he's cheating on you or at least has a very secret life. You need to confront him.

TarponMonoxide · May 2014

BlueBirdMB said:

He leaves and doesn't tell you where he's going? That was the only part of this story I needed to know that he's cheating on you or at least has a very secret life. You need to confront him.

And what this is too is dishonesty.

If he is dishonest about where he is going, what else is he going to be sort of vague about?

If you could swing it, get a PI to follow him.

None of this bodes well for you. Being committed to somebody means you're also committed to be fully honest with them and not have any secrets.

shiningcrystal · May 2014

Possibly, she just a friend of your fiance who has the similar interests with your fiance. You can go with your fiance next time if he don't tell you where he will be.

VOR · May 2014

I can't "ditto" the last paragraph that DaringMiss wrote enough. He should WANT to be with YOU. You deserve that. Don't sell yourself short here. Please.

Erikan73 · May 2014

What about inviting her over for dinner or something so you can get to know her better. Also can you go occasionally to the volleyball games to cheer them on? It would give you a perfect chance to see how they interact with each other. Also it will give you more chances to talk to her and get to know her. Who knows, maybe she has a boyfriend that doesn't like doing the stuff your FI is doing with her. But I would attempt to get to know her & see how they interact with each other. You have a right to be jealous, but hopefully after you see them together hanging out and how they are with each other, it will prove what your FI said, that you have nothing to worry about....p.s. I would be jealous too, but if you think this relationship is worth it, then you need to give it all chances.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2014

Yep. He's cheating. Time to start calling him your ex-fiance.

Disneygeek77 · May 2014

I agree with Tarpon. If you need to know 100% without a doubt that he is cheating perhaps hire a PI to follow him around for a day or two. Probably a waste of money because you know deep down this isn't right, but if it will give you peace of mind, then it wouldn't hurt.

Tofumonkey · May 2014

Disneygeek77 said:

I agree with Tarpon. If you need to know 100% without a doubt that he is cheating perhaps hire a PI to follow him around for a day or two. Probably a waste of money because you know deep down this isn't right, but if it will give you peace of mind, then it wouldn't hurt.

Not a terrible idea, but in my mind if you ever have to even consider doing this to a FIANCE you have no reason to marry this person. What a miserable way to enter a marriage.

R.Wilsonny · May 2014

Erikan73 said:
What about inviting her over for dinner or something so you can get to know her better. Also can you go occasionally to the volleyball games to cheer them on? It would give you a perfect chance to see how they interact with each other. Also it will give you more chances to talk to her and get to know her. Who knows, maybe she has a boyfriend that doesn't like doing the stuff your FI is doing with her. But I would attempt to get to know her & see how they interact with each other. You have a right to be jealous, but hopefully after you see them together hanging out and how they are with each other, it will prove what your FI said, that you have nothing to worry about....p.s. I would be jealous too, but if you think this relationship is worth it, then you need to give it all chances.

^^^ I don't know how much good this would do. My ex (before I met H) was a video gamer and had a female 'friend' that was too. I met her a few times, didn't really think much of it, but in the end it turned out she was banging my ex. The whole 'her hanging out so we could get to know each other' was just a coverup. So all those little group meetings he supposedly had with his gamer group, he was actually going to see her. Women can be just as shady as men and put up a front.

OP, sorry to say, but I think your FI is cheating or there's something fishy going on with this girl. You know in your heart there is, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this. Your FI is acting shady - is this how you want to start out your marriage? True, it shouldn't be a big deal to have friends of the opposite sex, but at the same time, you wanted to join the volleyball thing with him and he made excuses for why you couldn't? And yet he is doing it with this girl? He should want to be doing this activity with you if you showed interest, not some other girl.

And then going out, staying out, not telling you where he was, and being shady about it? Yep, I'd say he's cheating. Run now....easier to get out now rather than go through with the wedding and wind up divorced a year later.

Tofumonkey · May 2014

Erikan73 said:

What about inviting her over for dinner or something so you can get to know her better. Also can you go occasionally to the volleyball games to cheer them on? It would give you a perfect chance to see how they interact with each other. Also it will give you more chances to talk to her and get to know her. Who knows, maybe she has a boyfriend that doesn't like doing the stuff your FI is doing with her. But I would attempt to get to know her & see how they interact with each other. You have a right to be jealous, but hopefully after you see them together hanging out and how they are with each other, it will prove what your FI said, that you have nothing to worry about....p.s. I would be jealous too, but if you think this relationship is worth it, then you need to give it all chances.

And you can start dating him instead.

Disneygeek77 · May 2014

Tofumonkey said:

Disneygeek77 said:

I agree with Tarpon. If you need to know 100% without a doubt that he is cheating perhaps hire a PI to follow him around for a day or two. Probably a waste of money because you know deep down this isn't right, but if it will give you peace of mind, then it wouldn't hurt.

Not a terrible idea, but in my mind if you ever have to even consider doing this to a FIANCE you have no reason to marry this person. What a miserable way to enter a marriage.

Understood. You would think that would be a wake up call that you have to hire a PI on your fiance. However, I know a few people who simply couldn't move on until they knew 100% without a doubt that he was cheating. They were miserable having their suspicions but also weren't sure, so for people like that I say hire a PI. End your misery once and for all and find out. I also would only recommend a PI to someone who had strong suspicions of cheating.

aggy34 · May 2014

Be very suspicious of their "friendship". I went through the same thing, my husband became "friends" with a coworkers girlfriend and began spending a lot of time with her. I was very suspicious about it from the beginning and called him out on it many times that it was inappropriate that he was spending so much time with her and not including me or her boyfriend. After 2.5 years of lying to me, I finally set up cameras and caught them in the act in our living room while I was at work. Listen to your gut, if it says something is not right it probably is correct. I wish I would have postponed our wedding instead going through with it, now I am talking to lawyers about divorce and visitation as we have a child together now.

catsareniice1 · May 2014

Just want to say I am very sorry. You sound like a sweet person.

Be sure to clear everything up before marrying. Better to split now if you have to!!

Fiance spending time with other woman?

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