DH thinks I should quit my hobby (singing in a choir)

Jeni&Jon · May 2014

I don't know how to get through to DH. We have been together for 14 years, married for 10. I have sung in choir all my life. It's my one true hobby that I love. I sang in college and once I graduated I joined our community choir. We have practice ONE night a week each spring and fall semester. We have 4 main concerts per year which usually involve a few hours of rehearsal each night the week of the concert. We now have a 3 year old son. When I have practice he stays at home with DH. DH tells me that I am abandoning my family each week for 3 hours and that I am wrong to do such a thing. We fight every week about this. I argue that I am not abandoning my family and that it is healthy for parents to each have a hobby. He has no friends and no hobby. I can't keep this up anymore, but I don't want to quit a group that I love to sing with either. Please help.

VOR · May 2014

Well, your DH needs to "see the other side". Of course from his POV, you're leaving them. He doesn't ever leave, so that's "normal" for him.

But it's not normal, at all. And it's wrong for him to pressure you to stop doing something that you love and that really is NOT that big of a time commitment.

He knew this about you before he married you AND before he had kids with you.

I don't know what the answer is, though. I don't know how to "make" him realize that he's in the wrong here.

Tofumonkey · May 2014

Well, the guy kind of has a point. You get only so many hours each week and by spending 3 hours a week away from your family selfishly doing your own thing for 0.018% of your week that is pretty harsh. Once you have kids your only purpose in life is to either work to support them (your lunch breaks are your personal time and the only personal time you are allowed) or spend the rest of your waking hours doting on them endlessly.

How cruel of you to force your husband to spend 3 hours a week with his own child by himself. What if he had to cook for himself that night as well? Or clean something? Your poor husband, what a horrid life he leads.

I kid, I kid.

How do you deal with this? You tell him to think outside of himself, tell him to get a hobby and make some friends and go out to enjoy your choir. For crap's sake it's 3 hours a week and like you said, interests and a social life outside of your marriage and child is healthy. Moms who have NOTHING going on in their lives other than their children are the most boring people imaginable. Spouses that have nothing going on in their lives apart from each other get sick of each other quickly.

And if he doesn't let up?

Well, make sure to point out (aggressively and dramatically) that he is 'abandoning his family' every time he sits down to play a video game, surf the net, watch a movie, watch a tv show or take an excessively long time in the bathroom.

Because every moment after work is FAMILY TIME - so he should be taking kiddo with him to the bathroom, too. Don't want to miss out on some important bonding, you know. Oh, and showering. Private time is COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE once you are married and have a child.

TarponMonoxide · May 2014

He's dead wrong.

Here is why:

Everybody needs an outlet to blow off steam.

Yours is singing.

He can use the time to do something with the kiddo! Or maybe he and you can find a sitter and he can use the time to get some "alone time" for himself.

Choirs always need extra voices; why not interest him in the choir? If not singing, I'm sure there is behind the scenes work -- ticket sales and other production duties. Maybe he would be interested in that.

I have several hobbies myself; I dabble in some photography --- the others are community theatre and the other is art.

BlueBirdMB · May 2014

You are certainly not abandoning your family. That's ridiculous. I think he could be having a couple problems:

1. He doesn't like being the only parent home with your child. In this case, he needs to grow the hell up. If he can't take care of a child for 3 hours, he needs to get a grip.

OR

2. He's actually jealous of your time. How much time do you spend together? Everyone has different needs as far as time. My parents are super happy only seeing each other on the weekends. My husband and I enjoy need to spend whatever time our schedules allow together. We have opposite work schedules and my husband travels a lot. We both feel a little twinge of jealousy when one of us has something to do away from each other during the week or weekend and rob us of our little time together. But it's not something that's regular. If it was, we'd be upset. Maybe your husband is feeling like he needs more time from you. It sounds like you spend a lot of time together already though, so perhaps what he really needs is not more time, but more quality time. When you are together, do you spend quality time? People often don't express what their true issue is- he might just be feeling a disconnect from you.

I am a full time musician, music is my work not my hobby. However, all of my adult students are spending time away from their spouses on this hobby. There's nothing wrong with that. You shouldn't feel guilty for doing what you do, but I think there might be an underlying problem, that has nothing to do with the actual amount of time you spend together.

schuette2 · May 2014

Is it possible to get a babysitter for one night of practice, and have him come with you to see how much you enjoy it? Maybe by seeing it, he'll loosen up a bit.

jtmh2012 · May 2014

Sounds like this post only in reverse:

http://forums.thenest.com/discussion/12014508/how-often-do-you-see-your-friends

Bored spouse sitting at home jealous that the other spouse has something that takes them away.

Lauren+Aaron · May 2014

Something else may be bothering your husband. If you haven't read the book The 5 Love Languages, I would read it and see if there's a love language he enjoys but feels like he is missing out on. I don't think the real problem is the choir!

Tofumonkey · May 2014

So what did you end up doing?

DH thinks I should quit my hobby (singing in a choir)

Re: DH thinks I should quit my hobby (singing in a choir)

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