Wedding invite...do we go? send a gift?

formerlyGDaisy09 · May 2014

H and I just received an invitation to a wedding reception on July 12th. The wedding is June 23 in the mid-west (we're in New England), and I'm feeling a lot like we've been B-listed. The invitation presents it like we shold be thankful that we are not being asked to travel...

The bride is one of H's friends who I've never met. Despite H inviting several friends I had never met (and haven't seen again in the 2 years since we've been married) she never ended up on our list of people to invite to our wedding. H seems to feel very strongly that we should attend this reception, however I'm feeling like it is a bit gift-grabby since I had never heard of this person until the reception-only invitation appeared in our mailbox.

do we go and just bring a card? do I tell H he can go alone? I'm not sure that we know anyone else going to this wedding. am I being crazy and this is an acceptable thing to do for out-of-town weddings?

maple2 · May 2014

It may be unacceptable in your circles, but it doesn't seem that unusual to me. DH and I did something similar since we got married far from where we were living, and it just didn't make sense to ask everyone we knew where we were living to travel. We really just wanted a chance to celebrate with our local friends without making it too difficult for them. We didn't expect gifts (or even include registry info on the invite), though some people did bring them.

I recently attended a similar event for a family member who got married across the country in his bride's hometown. Most of his friends and family literally could not afford to travel to the wedding, so a family member offered to host a local reception for them after they got back. A lot of people showed up, and most seemed glad they were able to offer well wishes even though they couldn't attend the actual wedding. Quite a few brought gifts (myself included), but I don't know whether the bride and groom expected them.

I guess the key difference may be that everyone at both of those receptions knew the bride and/or groom pretty well, so they were happy to celebrate the wedding and appreciated not having to travel to do so. It sounds like that is not the case for you, which may be why it rubs you the wrong way. You could just think of it like a fancy party and go to have a fun evening with DH without feeling obligated to provide an expensive gift. Give whatever you feel like--just a card, a small gift, whatever.

EDIT--I definitely wouldn't feel obligated to send a gift if I didn't attend.

Xstatic3333 · May 2014

Honestly, I'd be put off too. At home receptions don't bother me IF I was invited to the actual wedding too. I like the decision about whether to travel to be made by me, not the host-I'm a big girl, I can handle it! That said, if they're H's friends and it's important to him I'd probably go. I'd bring a nice card with my well wishes.

hoffse · May 2014

Xstatic3333 said:

Honestly, I'd be put off too. At home receptions don't bother me IF I was invited to the actual wedding too. I like the decision about whether to travel to be made by me, not the host-I'm a big girl, I can handle it! That said, if they're H's friends and it's important to him I'd probably go. I'd bring a nice card with my well wishes.

I agree with this. On all points.

maple2 · May 2014

Fascinating. This practice has been relatively common among my friends and family. Maybe because a lot of people I knew got married in their hometowns while attending grad school elsewhere. The "home" reception was usually where their grad school was and was basically an excuse to have a fancy party with other poor grad students. I had no idea the practice was looked down on in so many circles.

formerlyGDaisy09 · May 2014

This was a fancy invite from the Bride's parents. I've just never even heard H mention this girl before, so I'm a little confused why he thinks its so important to go.

to their credit, no registry information was included in the invite.

Agreed, I wouldn't have as much of a problem with it if the decision to travel was left up to us. there is a reception in St. Louis after the ceremony.

It's also on the weekend of a giant cycling event in the area (like several thousand cyclists) and the reception is at 3pm at a place right on the cycling route.

short+sassy · May 2014

If it was me and my DH wanted to go, I'd go. Though that cycling route thing sounds like a huge PITA. But then I like going to fancy, fun parties. Bridey and her family can dress it up however they want...it's a PARTY. It is NOT a reception. As such, I would definitely bring a card and perhaps a small gift. But I wouldn't feel obligated to bring a gift, like I would for a wedding.

mssm2012 · May 2014

It's not uncommon in my circles, having a smaller intimate (destination or far away) wedding and then a local reception afterwards. A lot of people can't drop $1000+ on airfare & lodging for a weekend wedding, but the local reception allows them to still celebrate. I don't find it gift-grabby.

I would bring a gift if you attend. If you don't go, and haven't ever met or heard of them (and DH doesn't stay in contact), I think it's fine not to send a gift.

SmrBrd2012 · May 2014

It doesn't sound gift grabby to me and I wouldn't be that offended. Maybe the couple just wanted a small intimate ceremony with close family and friends..or maybe the venue they are having the ceremony at doesn't accommodate lots of people but holds special meaning to them, etc etc...Could be many reasons.

Is the reception local? If it's local, I might still go, depending on if H knows any of the other guests. I dunno if I'd feel compelled to go if neither of us knew anyone else. I'd just let H decide since it's his friend. If he wanted to go, I would go with him.

daisy662 · May 2014

I may be in the minority but I don't like this practice. I do think it's gift grabby. Either invite me to your wedding or don't. Don't have another party later, it seems gift grabby to me. But if my DH really was looking forward to it, I'd suck it up and go and bring a small gift.

hoffse · May 2014

daisy662 said:

I may be in the minority but I don't like this practice. I do think it's gift grabby. Either invite me to your wedding or don't. Don't have another party later, it seems gift grabby to me. But if my DH really was looking forward to it, I'd suck it up and go and bring a small gift.

Yeah I agree. If you want to have a destination wedding where people can't afford to go, that's fine. Just don't expect a lot of people to show up. If you want local people to be there, then get married locally. I dislike trying to have it both ways, honestly.

I feel like one of the things engaged couples have to recognize is that as soon as you invite people, the day really is not all about you - it's about your guests too. So pick a venue that is "meaningful" but small, or get married far away, but own the outcome of those choices. If the most important thing is having people show up, then accommodate that.

formerlyGDaisy09 · May 2014

hoffse said:

daisy662 said:

I may be in the minority but I don't like this practice. I do think it's gift grabby. Either invite me to your wedding or don't. Don't have another party later, it seems gift grabby to me. But if my DH really was looking forward to it, I'd suck it up and go and bring a small gift.

Yeah I agree. If you want to have a destination wedding where people can't afford to go, that's fine. Just don't expect a lot of people to show up. If you want local people to be there, then get married locally. I dislike trying to have it both ways, honestly.

I feel like one of the things engaged couples have to recognize is that as soon as you invite people, the day really is not all about you - it's about your guests too. So pick a venue that is "meaningful" but small, or get married far away, but own the outcome of those choices. If the most important thing is having people show up, then accommodate that.

This.

if you want lots of friends at your wedding plan it in a place where they can come. Hold it at a venue that can accomodate them (seriously have a guest list before you look at venues). I'd be better if it were just a party...not a wedding reception. I have a good friend who is british, as is her H, so they got married across the pond and had a BBQ for everyone who couldn't make it to England once they were back in the states...however everyone received an invitation to the wedding in England.

I'll have to check in with H, we had both discussed participating in the cycling event...before this invitation came...so i guess we need to reevaluate.

maple2 · May 2014

hoffse said:

Yeah I agree. If you want to have a destination wedding where people can't afford to go, that's fine. Just don't expect a lot of people to show up. If you want local people to be there, then get married locally. I dislike trying to have it both ways, honestly.

I understand the sentiment, but what to you suggest for couples whose family and friends live in very different places so there isn't just one "local" possibility? I have seen this practice used most commonly when the bride and groom are originally from very different locations and currently live in yet another location, so that wherever they pick ends up being a "destination" for a lot of the people who are important to them.

I can see how it would seem gift grabby if you don't know the person particularly well, but when the separate reception (maybe party would be a better word?) is primarily for family and friends who are genuinely excited to celebrate with the couple but couldn't afford the expense of flying to the actual wedding location, I don't see anything wrong with it. It seems like a realistic accommodation to the world as it is now, where important relationships between people are not limited by geography in the way they used to be.

I actually don't care about this issue all that much (i.e. I'm not trying to start any fights); I'm just surprised to see such strong opposition to the practice, and I'm trying to understand it better.

formerlyGDaisy09 · May 2014

maple2 said:

hoffse said:

Yeah I agree. If you want to have a destination wedding where people can't afford to go, that's fine. Just don't expect a lot of people to show up. If you want local people to be there, then get married locally. I dislike trying to have it both ways, honestly.

I understand the sentiment, but what to you suggest for couples whose family and friends live in very different places so there isn't just one "local" possibility? I have seen this practice used most commonly when the bride and groom are originally from very different locations and currently live in yet another location, so that wherever they pick ends up being a "destination" for a lot of the people who are important to them.

I can see how it would seem gift grabby if you don't know the person particularly well, but when the separate reception (maybe party would be a better word?) is primarily for family and friends who are genuinely excited to celebrate with the couple but couldn't afford the expense of flying to the actual wedding location, I don't see anything wrong with it. It seems like a realistic accommodation to the world as it is now, where important relationships between people are not limited by geography in the way they used to be.

I actually don't care about this issue all that much (i.e. I'm not trying to start any fights); I'm just surprised to see such strong opposition to the practice, and I'm trying to understand it better.

I think a lot of us are agreeing that it would be a non-issue if we were invited to the wedding as well and could make the decision to travel for ourselves, rather than having that decision made for us.

and yes, it is feeling gift grabby to me, because as-of 2 weeks ago I had never heard of this person.

hoffse · May 2014

Gdaisy09 said:

maple2 said:

hoffse said:

Yeah I agree. If you want to have a destination wedding where people can't afford to go, that's fine. Just don't expect a lot of people to show up. If you want local people to be there, then get married locally. I dislike trying to have it both ways, honestly.

I understand the sentiment, but what to you suggest for couples whose family and friends live in very different places so there isn't just one "local" possibility? I have seen this practice used most commonly when the bride and groom are originally from very different locations and currently live in yet another location, so that wherever they pick ends up being a "destination" for a lot of the people who are important to them.

I can see how it would seem gift grabby if you don't know the person particularly well, but when the separate reception (maybe party would be a better word?) is primarily for family and friends who are genuinely excited to celebrate with the couple but couldn't afford the expense of flying to the actual wedding location, I don't see anything wrong with it. It seems like a realistic accommodation to the world as it is now, where important relationships between people are not limited by geography in the way they used to be.

I actually don't care about this issue all that much (i.e. I'm not trying to start any fights); I'm just surprised to see such strong opposition to the practice, and I'm trying to understand it better.

I think a lot of us are agreeing that it would be a non-issue if we were invited to the wedding as well and could make the decision to travel for ourselves, rather than having that decision made for us.

and yes, it is feeling gift grabby to me, because as-of 2 weeks ago I had never heard of this person.

This.

H has half his family in Belgium and the other half in California. I have half my family in California and the other half in Wisconsin/Minnesota/North Dakota.

We were both born and raised in GA, and that's where we got married because it's where our friends are, and it constituted the largest component of our guest list. Everybody was invited, from all over. A lot of people were not able to come. That's fine - it's what we expected. A lot more surprised us and DID come. We had 7 people fly over from Belgium. 2 people drove from North Dakota. 4 drove from Minnesota. 20 people flew in from California. 4 people flew down from NYC. It was entirely unexpected. But they were invited and welcome to come - we left the choice up to them as to whether they could make it.

To me, a wedding is one day. The problem with multiple receptions is it just drags the thing out and it encourages behavior like the one OP is experiencing. I don't have an issue with a casual get-together post-wedding when there's a large contingency that's very far away who cannot make it. But centering it around a wedding that's already happened just seems kind of AW-ish to me. Example: a close friend of mine is Korean and all of her family (except parents) live in Korea. She and her husband got married in Atlanta and then went to Hawaii first and then Korea for their honeymoon. They visited her family once they were in Korea, and they had a nice family get-together to meet her new husband. She didn't pretend to have a re-do reception, though.

It's the do-over receptions that bother me.

brij2006 · May 2014

If your H is feeling pretty set on wanting to attend her reception, then I would go with him. Bring a gift, card, and tell her congratulations.

As far as the etiquette part of this, it is a little grabby that they are calling it a "reception." It's one thing to call it a "celebration of marriage" and have a party to celebrate with the people who were unable to attend.
When we were engaged I wanted a destination wedding more than anything. Our plan was to get married in St Lucia, then 2 weeks later have a "celebration of marriage" in our hometown with friends and family that could not attend our destination wedding. It was going to be very low key and I wouldn't wear my wedding dress nor would there be a registry.....Then FIL told us that they couldn't afford to go and wouldn't be attending our wedding. So yeah, that threw a wrench in it. Instead we spent $10k more so FIL could attend our wedding only 45 minutes from his house.

So in certain situations it would be acceptable, but calling it a "wedding" when you're already married just doesn't sit well with people.

SmrBrd2012 · May 2014

I'm also having trouble understanding what the big deal is. If there is one thing I've learned from wedding planning, it's not to be too judgey of other people's choices. It's stressful and difficult to accommodate everyone and someone is always going to end up pissed off for no good reason.

One of my best friends had a destination wedding and knew that most people would not be able to attend so she didn't send an invite to that. She and her H had a reception a month or two later locally and many people went and had a nice time. She didn't dress up in her wedding dress or anything like that. It was just a nice get together and I'm glad she had it so I could join in celebrating their marriage.

Also, I don't really get how it's gift grabby if they are still paying (sometimes quite a bit) per head at receptions. The only thing I would side eye is the fact that the friend and H clearly haven't been in touch for awhile, but again, that would be H's call, not mine, if it were me.

Smonet · May 2014

I can see both sides. I've been invited to many of these when it is a reception after a destination wedding, however I've always been invited to the actually wedding but didn't go. I also see where you are coming from since you don't know her and wonder why they invited you guys. I'm currently planning my SIL and brother's wedding and I have it fresh in my mind how stressful it is to keep the guest list "narrowed down". So, it looks like you didn't make the first cut, but since they are having a second reception they have reached out to further circles such as you and your DH.

I also have to add that I try to do everything on the etiquette correct side (even if it seems out of date). Give this, DH's family is from another town, a farm town much dfferent than Minneapolis, 3 hours away. His parents really wanted to have one of these receptions on the farm for all of their friends, neighbors, people in the community we couldn't invite up to Mpls for the wedding. *DH's sister had over 800 people at her wedding, because weddings are different down there and its feasible. People came, ate, drank had a great time. I did not wear a wedding dress and almost everyone gave gifts. However, the gifts were smaller, some just $5.00. I actually think I spent more on the thank you and postage for some of them. But, it was sweet even though my gut was that it was not appropriate.

I'd go and bring a small gift. Maybe she'll be your new bff

formerlyGDaisy09 · May 2014

First, just because people do it, doesn't mean that it's good etiquitte. Basically we got a B-list invitation because we were not important enough to attend their wedding. H and I have been together 5 years and this is the first I'm hearing about this girl.

Smonet · May 2014

If you find it this bothersome don't go and tell DH he can get a gift for her if he would like to.

vlagrl29 · May 2014

I think this can be common on destination weddings. Sometimes the couple only wants their close friends and family to go to the destination with them and then once they get home they have a reception to invite all their other friends and co workers to.

Xstatic3333 · May 2014

I'm very much with @hoffse and @Gdaisy09‌ here. I think you should invite everyone to your wedding that you would like to be there. If you expect that many can't make it, maybe plan a BBQ in their area, but invite them to both. A good friend of ours just did this. Two years ago we received an invite to her wedding in Michigan, and a pig roast in MA a month later, in the same envelope. We couldn't afford Michigan and only went to the pig roast.

An exception is true elopements or private ceremonies, when the couple is married alone or only with immediate family. Another set of my good friends did this very elegantly. They eloped in a hot air balloon and had a fancy party two months later that had zero wedding elements except dancing and cake. It was fun

In OPs situation, presuming it's not an elopement, I would feel like the invitation is less gift grabby than AWish. "You weren't invited to my wedding because we're not that close, but you MUST want to celebrate me anyway, so come to another party!"

Disclaimer-I got kind of into the whole etiquette thing when planning my own wedding last year. I wasn't active enough to be considered a "reg" on the etiquette board, but spent a fair bit if time there. I'm also not trying to start a fight. I like how respectful this board is! Just explaining the logic behind my opinion. I do know regional/group norms can vary.

formerlyGDaisy09 · May 2014

Xstatic3333 said:

I'm very much with @hoffse and @Gdaisy09‌ here. I think you should invite everyone to your wedding that you would like to be there. If you expect that many can't make it, maybe plan a BBQ in their area, but invite them to both. A good friend of ours just did this. Two years ago we received an invite to her wedding in Michigan, and a pig roast in MA a month later, in the same envelope. We couldn't afford Michigan and only went to the pig roast. An exception is true elopements or private ceremonies, when the couple is married alone or only with immediate family. Another set of my good friends did this very elegantly. They eloped in a hot air balloon and had a fancy party two months later that had zero wedding elements except dancing and cake. It was fun In OPs situation, presuming it's not an elopement, I would feel like the invitation is less gift grabby than AWish. "You weren't invited to my wedding because we're not that close, but you MUST want to celebrate me anyway, so come to another party!" Disclaimer-I got kind of into the whole etiquette thing when planning my own wedding last year. I wasn't active enough to be considered a "reg" on the etiquette board, but spent a fair bit if time there. I'm also not trying to start a fight. I like how respectful this board is! Just explaining the logic behind my opinion. I do know regional/group norms can vary.

you're right. the invitation to the reception says "will be married June 21rd in St Louis, please join us for a New England Reception on July 12th"

formerlyGDaisy09 · May 2014

@ Xstatic3333 I to spent time on the etiqutte board leading up to my wedding...I got into it a bit late in the game and did not do everything perfectly (or I didn't give good enough instructions to people helping me out...I gave my mom the little registry cards for shower invites, they ended-up in the invitations she mailed).

I'll give this bride the benefit of the doubt that she just has no idea that B-List invites are considered rude by many. and maybe the idea of a second reception was her parent's idea, not hers. I know that I my mother invited many people to my bridal shower who had not been invited to the wedding...I was a little embarased, however besides giving my MOH the list of who I'd like at a shower I had nothing to do with the guest list.

Still not sure if we'll go. if we don't we'll try to send a nice card (all we have is the Bride's Parent's address). if we do we'll probably bring a small ($25) gift...at least it would be a chance to wear one of the bridesmaid dress sitting in my closet a second time. And the cycling event does have a $250 fundraising minimum....so not registering wouldn't be a tradgedy....instead we can give more to all my friends who participate every year.

VOR · May 2014

I'd first talk to DH more about it and ask why he feels it's SO important to go. I'd want a better understanding of this first, TBH.

Wedding invite...do we go? send a gift?

Re: Wedding invite...do we go? send a gift?

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