DH Dropped the ball (LR/PR/Vent)

brij2006 · May 2014

Well I figured I would just give an update, because I'm an AW/PW like that.

Wednesday night H and I were talking and he dropped that ball that he isn't even sure he wants kids anymore. I'm hurt, distraught, and really honestly beside myself. We had always joked with people after we got married that we were on the "5 years to never" plan when it came to kids. Meaning we would re-visit it in 5 years, or we may never have children. This was just to get people off our backs, and we knew then that our road to parenthood would likely be a rocky one (we had already had 1 loss right before our wedding). We had also discussed during premarital counseling and before our engagement, about kids, and agreed that we wanted them and wanted at least 2.

Well here we are almost 2 years into marriage, 1 miscarriage, 2 chemical pregnancies, 1 round of Clomid, multiple Dr's visits and testing, $10,000, and now my husband is telling me he isn't sure he wants children at all. I had a feeling that something was up, especially when he kept going back and forth between wanting to TTC, not wanting to TTC, and then finally "let's just let things be;" which I quickly pulled the plug and said we were going to TTA till he knew what he wanted. He has since told me that if we were to "accidentally" get pregnant then it would be our answer to whether or not we should have children and he will "come around to the idea" after I'm pregnant.

There is a lot of guilt and regret on my end for what our short year journey has entailed. My husband wasn't for temping and charting, I did it anyways. He didn't want me doing OPK's, I did them while he was at work. He was fine with the Dr figuring out what was wrong with me, but wasn't okay with getting treatment. I convinced him to try 1 round of Clomid to see if my body would respond to it. I got pregnant on the round of Clomid my husband wasn't 100% on board for, and he resented me and said some things about our baby and life that he later regretted when we were losing our baby.

This isn't anything I wish on anyone. I am now trying to get my H convinced to go to therapy with me or even by himself to sort out some hesitations or fears he may have about trying to have children again. Of course he says that he refuses to go. I have asked him if this is a recent thing or he's always felt this way and his response was that he likes his life the way it is. This was one of those things that I told him was a dealbreaker for me. Kids are that important to me that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to have them. He is not. This doesn't mean I'm going to leave my H or anything like that, because truly I know we could make our life complete without children if we need to. But to willingly make that decision is not something I'm okay with. He just keeps saying to stop my GF/PCOS diet, no temping and charting, no OPK's, and let's just let things happen. If it takes us 3 years of NTNP to get pregnant, then it does. If we don't get pregnant, then we don't and we'll continue to live a child free life.

Welcome to my whirlwind of a life and emotions right now. On top of seeking therapy to hash out the panic attacks, the M/C, and my past.

I'm going to say it again......3T can kiss my white a$$.

lfk2013 · May 2014

Oh, Brij. I'm so sorry your H dropped the ball on you. Big hugs to you.

LooneyLife · May 2014

Oh, brij, I'm so sorry for everything your both going through. I really hope he comes around to the idea of therapy so that you can both sort through your feelings together with a professionals help.

BackseatDriver · May 2014

I'm so sorry that you aren't on the same page. I hope that he comes around to counseling so that you can work through your feelings together. I can't imagine the emotions you must be going through right now.

jt305 · May 2014

So sorry for everything you are experiencing right now, brij. That is so much to deal with. Sending you positive vibes as you and DH figure this out.

PandPMeant2B · May 2014

So sorry you're going through this. Sending many good vibes that you and YH can work through this and get back on the same page.

cinderin · May 2014

I am sorry. :-(

I would definitely go to counseling alone if your DH won't go.

Apollo11235 · May 2014

I'm so sorry, brij. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. Sending positive thoughts to you and YH as you figure out how to get on the same page.

brij2006 · May 2014

@cinderin I started going 2 weeks ago alone, and it has really helped me a lot so far. I'm going to continue and hopefully she can give me some tools to work with H on about this.

islandmonkey8 · May 2014

I'm sorry brij. You and your husband have been through hell this last year and I can't even imagine the emotional toll it is taking on both of you. I hope your husband comes around to seeing a therapist to work through these issues. No matter what, I'm here for you if you need anything. ((hugs))

Xan921 · May 2014

Wow, Brij, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Do you think that maybe your Dh saying he doesn't want children now is his way of dealing with the IF and loss? Whatever the reason may be, I hope that you and your Dh work through it and can both come to terms with a life together that you're both happy with.

nfp147 · May 2014

Xan921 said:

Wow, Brij, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Do you think that maybe your Dh saying he doesn't want children now is his way of dealing with the IF and loss? Whatever the reason may be, I hope that you and your Dh work through it and can both come to terms with a life together that you're both happy with.

This is what I wondered too when I read your post. Is it possible that this is his way of dealing with the pain of your losses and the frustration of IF? Maybe this is also a way to take pressure off of both of you about getting pregnant?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I really hope you are able to figure this out together.

callitcompulsive · May 2014

Wow that's quite a bomb to drop on you. I'm so sorry you guys aren't seeing eye to eye. I hope you can figure out how to move forward.

brij2006 · May 2014

nfp147 said:

Xan921 said:

Wow, Brij, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Do you think that maybe your Dh saying he doesn't want children now is his way of dealing with the IF and loss? Whatever the reason may be, I hope that you and your Dh work through it and can both come to terms with a life together that you're both happy with.

This is what I wondered too when I read your post. Is it possible that this is his way of dealing with the pain of your losses and the frustration of IF? Maybe this is also a way to take pressure off of both of you about getting pregnant?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I really hope you are able to figure this out together.

I really think it is. He definitely isn't one to discuss his emotions or how he's feeling about it. I think this is his way of setting himself up for being okay with being child free, if it were to not happen without assistance.

I'm trying to get him convinced to at least discuss this with our pastor. It's the same one that did our premarital counseling and helped us through the loss. So I know he would open up a bit to him about his reasoning for this. Our pastor was also there for the discussion about kids.

poppies717 · May 2014

Oh boy. I'm sorry. That's a lot to process without factoring in everything you've been through. I hope your DH is able to do some soul searching and communicate with you. I'm glad you are talking to someone. I am a big believer in therapy.

FutureMrsWright2012 · May 2014

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this Brij on top of everything that you've been through. I hope you're able to find someone to talk to even if YH isn't willing to take that step to talk to someone just yet. You're in my thoughts, chica!

RockABye · May 2014

Can I be completely honest for a minute, friend? First and foremost, I am very sorry you're dealing with all these sucky emotions and struggling. I'm also not minimizing your pain in ANY way and I feel like you might already know all this, but it seems to me like you've been forcing his hand the entire time.. first with the temping, then the OPKs, then the Clomid. It just sounds like he's not ready at all and by pushing him, he's resorting to "I DON'T WANT KIDS!".

Can I offer some advice? You say it's 2 years of marriage now, but the good news is, it's ONLY been 2 years of marriage. My husband was VERY against TTC for almost the first 4 years of our marriage. Like, I made a comment one day about how if I just happened to get pregnant, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever and he retorted back with "Um, YES IT WOULD!!" So I get understand having a husband who isn't ready. The worst thing you can do though is push him and go behind his back. I even think pushing him to go to therapy is also a big mistake right now. That's just forcing him even more and I can almost guarantee the outcome would be him saying "I'm just not ready and she won't stop". It doesn't sound like he needs therapy to decide if he wants kids, he just needs time. (and time is a lot cheaper than therapy!

)

Brij, doll, you're young. You've only been married a couple years. If I could offer any advice, it would be to just drop the whole TTC thing (continue with the diet if that's what you want, of course, but do it for YOU and not for TTC) and don't mention children or babies for awhile. At most, I would tell him "you know what? You're right. I'm not going do anything secretly or even talk about TTC for awhile, but if it's ok with you, I'd like to make a plan to revisit the topic in a year. If you're still not ready, that's fine and we can revisit in another year". Basically just ignore the whole baby thing for now.

Trust me, friend. I understand. I wanted kids several years before DH. Then one day, 3 months shy of our 4th anniversary, DH was suddenly ready and on board 100%. I didn't bring it up, he is the one who mentioned it. I had completely stopped even mentioning kids for awhile. Didn't mean I didnt' long for it and think about it all the time, but I just held back on vocalizing those thoughts.

So all that to say, lay off for a bit. I know it's hard and it eats you alive, but do it. It doesn't necessarily mean "Never". It may just mean "not yet".

sgautschi · May 2014

I'm so sorry Brij. So so sorry. I don't really know what to say.

((hugs))

DangerMuffin23 · May 2014

I'm sorry brij. I would be ridiculously frustrated right now. I think therapy across the board is a huge help, but if he's not ready yet, then don't let him talk you into something in a month or two on one of his wishy washy days. Maybe just plain marital counseling would be a nice place to start. Kind of like preventative cleaning at the dentist :-) maybe he'd be more for it if it wasn't ttc related.

brij2006 · May 2014

@rockabye I really appreciate everything you said, and you are right. At this point I feel like this is entirely my fault. He knew I would do OPK's, but he didn't know when, and I never told him if they were positive or negative. He didn't care for temping and charting, but knew I was doing it to know where I was at in my cycles.

I forced him to talk to me about it tonight. We have friends coming in for the weekend and have 2 days vacation together after they leave, and I didn't want to ignore the elephant in the room over the next 5 days and act like things were okay. He said he's afraid of the unknown of not knowing if we will be able to have kids, and he doesn't want to do medical intervention to make that happen. So he said he's setting himself up for being comfortable with not having kids. He also said that he knows how much this last year has taken a toll on us. We have an amazing relationship with great communication on every aspect of our marriage, except TTC/3T. He said that he doesn't want to go back to that again, and our marriage and relationship is more important to him than having children.

So for now I'm going to take RAB's advice and not talk about it with him. Give it a rest until he is ready to bring it up again. If that's 5 months from now, great. If it's 5 years from now, that's fine too. She is wise, we are young and I'm willing to wait until he's by my side every step of the way with this.

CincodeMayoLove · May 2014

RAB is always so awesome at wording these things and I see you're already on board with RAB, just wanted to second those thoughts.
We have both always wanted kids, so a little different, but talking about it all the time is so stressful in the marriage you can't enjoy each other. We took a year off of talking about it completely and every year of our journey took 2-3 months in the summer for us time and no baby talk. Then my h also brought up try again with treatments as needed.

You are a team in this, wait and enjoy each other! Do fun non-baby things!! Then when you're both ready, the experience will be fortifying instead of dividing.

GL

KonaCoffeeBean · May 2014

He sounds so confused. You have both been through a lot of loss, I hope that his feelings about the past heal and then he can become less ambivalent about the future. Brij, you're an amazing partner to continue to support your husband while your own pain is still so present.

DH Dropped the ball (LR/PR/Vent)

Re: DH Dropped the ball (LR/PR/Vent)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards