Relationship with Mom deteriorating (long, sorry!)

justaweasel · May 2014

Hello! I was active on these boards a few years back, when I was going through some relationship issues. The posters here gave me some amazing advice -- and because of them, I had the courage to end an abusive relationship and turn my life around. So now that I'm stressing hardcore about my relationship with my mom, I figured I would turn back to you for some third-party insight. And I may also delete this in the next couple days, just because I'm nervous my mom might find it and I'm not sure how she would react to seeing it.

I've always been very close with my mother. We used to describe our relationship was like that of Lorelei and Rory Gilmore. But in the past few years, things have taken a turn, and I'm not sure how to go about addressing it.

A few different pieces have gone into the bigger picture here. First, she started dating someone I don't care for. This isn't an issue in and of itself -- we live across country from her and I don't think it's my place to tell my mother who she should or should not date. But she changes around him, and she expects the entire dynamic of our family to change when he's around, so I have asked that when we're hosting things (graduation or holidays, as well as weekend visits at our place) he not come along unless we agree beforehand that he should. This is not only because of the stress involved -- it feels like we have to walk on eggshells around him, because he doesn't really fit in -- but because I prefer my father come to things we host, and considering my mother's tendency to act like a high school student when she's with her boyfriend, I'd rather not chance the drama of both her boyfriend and my father coming over at the same time.

She hasn't talked to me about him in a long time, but when she did I would often try to explain why I would rather keep him at arm's distance. This is primarily because of how he talks to her -- condescending and patronizing -- and how he seems to want to be a father-figure to myself and my two also grown siblings. It feels disrespectful to my father, who is very active in our lives, and it bothers me that she doesn't step in to set boundaries for him. In fact, she encourages the behavior and seems to find it charming. But my mother goes from agreeing with me when she's angry at him (often) to using my words against me when they make up. She also simplifies most of what I say and claims I just don't want her to be happy, which is not true. When I made the mistake of saying that some of his mannerisms are off-putting to me because they remind me of my abusive ex, she told me to "either get therapy or get over it."

On top of this, I feel like she has very little interest in my life beyond what she can brag about to other people. She often goes weeks without communicating with me, but will watch what I'm doing on social media and tell other people about it. When I graduated with my Masters, her first question was whether or not I graduated with honors. I told her they don't really do that in my program, to which she responded that she was going to tell everyone I did anyway. It bothered me that my graduation wasn't enough of an accomplishment as it was -- that she felt she needed to embellish it to make it sound more impressive. When we do talk, it feels like she wants soundbites to tell people how well I'm doing, not an actual conversation. It's upsetting to me, because I don't feel like I can go to her with things I need advice on. In person, she's often snarky and snippy, particularly if you don't agree with her. She has said before that she doesn't think I'm particularly nice and calls me "cold and cruel" when she's angry, which is very hard to hear. She seems to forget a lot of what she says after the fact, which is alarming to me and makes it difficult to make her understand why you were hurt at the time.

As my relationship with her has gone down hill, my once very rocky relationship with my father has gotten on track for the first time in my life. He's always been around, but we fought a lot and didn't have much in common. Now we're able to connect on things that my mother doesn't enjoy -- books we both like, weird hippie food trends we're into -- and she seems to be very threatened by it. She makes it a competition between them, and it's hard for me because I already feel guilty about how hard it is for me to relate to her now. I know I don't have to choose, and I don't want to, but she makes it seem like I can't have a relationship with both of them at the same time.

She recently texted me that we need to talk, and it's stressing me out. I feel that nothing I say will bring about a change in our relationship, and at worst she will use my words against me later on. I hate confrontation, and I know she's going to point the finger at me over the whole thing. I have no idea what to do or how to address the issue, or if I even should. Should I just wait and see if she ever calls me out? Or should I bite the bullet and get it all out in the open?

TarponMonoxide · May 2014

justaweasel said:

Hello! I was active on these boards a few years back, when I was going through some relationship issues. The posters here gave me some amazing advice -- and because of them, I had the courage to end an abusive relationship and turn my life around. So now that I'm stressing hardcore about my relationship with my mom, I figured I would turn back to you for some third-party insight. And I may also delete this in the next couple days, just because I'm nervous my mom might find it and I'm not sure how she would react to seeing it.

I've always been very close with my mother. We used to describe our relationship was like that of Lorelei and Rory Gilmore. But in the past few years, things have taken a turn, and I'm not sure how to go about addressing it.

A few different pieces have gone into the bigger picture here. First, she started dating someone I don't care for. This isn't an issue in and of itself -- we live across country from her and I don't think it's my place to tell my mother who she should or should not date. But she changes around him, and she expects the entire dynamic of our family to change when he's around, so I have asked that when we're hosting things (graduation or holidays, as well as weekend visits at our place) he not come along unless we agree beforehand that he should. This is not only because of the stress involved -- it feels like we have to walk on eggshells around him, because he doesn't really fit in -- but because I prefer my father come to things we host, and considering my mother's tendency to act like a high school student when she's with her boyfriend, I'd rather not chance the drama of both her boyfriend and my father coming over at the same time.

I doubt your father will even so much as interfere, unless he's harboring some kind of resentment.

If she gets silly and childish, nothing you can do. Your best bet: ignore it.

She hasn't talked to me about him in a long time, but when she did I would often try to explain why I would rather keep him at arm's distance. This is primarily because of how he talks to her -- condescending and patronizing -- and how he seems to want to be a father-figure to myself and my two also grown siblings.

Your issue is that he talks to her in a way you don't like. Again, there is nothing you can do --- you won't be able to talk her out of seeing him; you know how it is: you can't tell them anything. Love is blind.

How he talks to her has nothing to do with your father.

This guy may be here today and gone tomorrow. You never know.

It feels disrespectful to my father, who is very active in our lives, and it bothers me that she doesn't step in to set boundaries for him. In fact, she encourages the behavior and seems to find it charming. But my mother goes from agreeing with me when she's angry at him (often) to using my words against me when they make up.

This is where you have a problem with your mother --- say nothing. That is the best bet; no matter what you say, she'll do as she wishes.

If this bothers you that much, perhaps you should skip these outings and get togethers.

She also simplifies most of what I say and claims I just don't want her to be happy, which is not true. When I made the mistake of saying that some of his mannerisms are off-putting to me because they remind me of my abusive ex, she told me to "either get therapy or get over it."

See what I mean?

On top of this, I feel like she has very little interest in my life beyond what she can brag about to other people. She often goes weeks without communicating with me, but will watch what I'm doing on social media and tell other people about it. When I graduated with my Masters, her first question was whether or not I graduated with honors. I told her they don't really do that in my program, to which she responded that she was going to tell everyone I did anyway. It bothered me that my graduation wasn't enough of an accomplishment as it was -- that she felt she needed to embellish it to make it sound more impressive. When we do talk, it feels like she wants soundbites to tell people how well I'm doing, not an actual conversation. It's upsetting to me, because I don't feel like I can go to her with things I need advice on. In person, she's often snarky and snippy, particularly if you don't agree with her. She has said before that she doesn't think I'm particularly nice and calls me "cold and cruel" when she's angry, which is very hard to hear. She seems to forget a lot of what she says after the fact, which is alarming to me and makes it difficult to make her understand why you were hurt at the time.

As my relationship with her has gone down hill, my once very rocky relationship with my father has gotten on track for the first time in my life. He's always been around, but we fought a lot and didn't have much in common. Now we're able to connect on things that my mother doesn't enjoy -- books we both like, weird hippie food trends we're into -- and she seems to be very threatened by it. She makes it a competition between them, and it's hard for me because I already feel guilty about how hard it is for me to relate to her now. I know I don't have to choose, and I don't want to, but she makes it seem like I can't have a relationship with both of them at the same time.

She recently texted me that we need to talk, and it's stressing me out. I feel that nothing I say will bring about a change in our relationship, and at worst she will use my words against me later on. I hate confrontation, and I know she's going to point the finger at me over the whole thing. I have no idea what to do or how to address the issue, or if I even should. Should I just wait and see if she ever calls me out? Or should I bite the bullet and get it all out in the open?

Cut her off.

That is my strong advice.

There is nothing here but strife for you. Who needs to be insulted and who needs to feel like crap over it?

Don't let yourself be her punching bag.

I would simply vanish. Don't tell her you're discontinuing communication with her -- let her figure this out for herself.

Don't answer he calls, her texts, her letters and whens she tries to contact you by some other means ---- like banging on your door --- don't answer her.

Don't fish where the fishing ain't good. GL.

BlueBirdMB · May 2014

Wow. There's a lot going on here. I'll try to get to everything.

1. I would say if you are in this place now, that you probably never had the relationship you thought you did. People always called me and my mother the Gilmore Girls, but we've never had a fight that's lasted more than a day. I know her better than she knows herself and her me. Think about what your relationship really was with her in the past.

2. She sounds ridiculously immature. Her bf sounds like a douche. My BIL sounds EXACTLY LIKE HIM. He's a douche. Every word that comes out of that mans mouth drips with condensation and I want to slap him. I digress… if you wish to be with her, you need to accept him. Shut your mouth. Make yourself busy to keep him away. You cannot, however, not invite him when you have invited your mother. That's just rude. If you want to be with your mom, you need to accept that he will be there too.

3. I would suggest limiting events that both your mother and father would attend together. Just get rid of those events. Some people never become amicable enough to sit in a room together and it's stupid, but it happens.

4. As far as using your words against you- have you ever told her those things? I think this is a communication issue that can be worked out.

She's your mother- will you ever really be able to "cut her out". You can for a while, but not forever. Parents will always be there. My father cut his parents out as much as anyone ever could, but his troubles with them plagued his marriage, and his parents never totally went away, so those issues went unresolved. His resolution and relief came when they died. You don't want it to be that way. You have to find a way to have a little resolution and figure out a capacity she can be in your life- if that's seeing her once a year or 12 times a year. Figure out what you can handle.

VOR · May 2014

I'm a little skeptical of all of this, TBH.

You sound way overly invested in her relationship w /her BF when they live across the country. How often do you actually see them? And if his coming to visit is an issue, then just tell her that whatever weekend it is that she wants to come isn't good for a visit - period. Don't make it about him. just tell her that's not a good weekend.

And why does she know so much about your relationship with your dad? She can't compete over something she doesn't really know anything about - so.... YOU need to stop sharing.

I do agree with Bluebird. I have a feeling your relationship wasn't quite as "gilmore girls" as you want to think it was. I have a feeling a lot of these things about your mom always existed but you turned a blind eye to it. Then the new BF came along and as you don't like him, you're trying to blame the "new" behavior of your moms on him, when in reality osme of it was probably always there. Maybe he's drawing it out more. But I really doubt that all this is BRAND NEW.

What is it exactly that she wants to meet about? ANything having to do w/ your dad - just STOP TALKING. She brings him up? You say "i'm not going to discuss dad. my relationshp w/ him has nothing to do w/ my relationship with you" and leave it at that.

If you need to take a break fromher, then do so. you can cut off communicaiton with her for awhile if you need too. That's OK.

Relationship with Mom deteriorating (long, sorry!)

Re: Relationship with Mom deteriorating (long, sorry!)

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