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Major Drought
So the hubby and I have been married for nearly six years. It's been a rough road, I won't deny. I could go on for pages about all the bad things that have happened (job loss, home foreclosure, etc.) since we've gotten married, but I'll give the cliff notes version this time. Basically we were separated for nearly three years due our jobs being in different cities and just not wanting to be together. We patched things up two years and have been relatively happy ever since. We went through marriage counseling for about a year and a half before our counselor moved on. Her moving coincided with the hubby starting a new job and we were unable to resume counseling with the new counselor. We've done well on our own, I think taking a break from counseling has forced us to sort things out without killing each other (lol) since we are unable to vent at the monthly counseling session.
But one lingering issue that we have is intimacy. I don't want to even confess how long it's been since we did the deed. Suffice to say, he's got a lot of issues. He's willing to get more counseling; I reached out to the counselor that we were referred to originally, but we haven't been able to lock down a good time due to the hubby's work schedule. I've tried talking to him about it before, and it's always resulted in a massive fight. I'm not the best at listening, to be honest. And he's not very good at verbalizing what the problem is.
Essentially, he was raised in a religious household. He rebelled in his late teens and had two sexual partners before calming back down and deciding not to pursue that avenue anymore. We didn't have sex before marriage and I was a virgin. It was a bit awkward at first, by the time I got used to it, we were already having problems, I put on a lot of weight, etc. He says that when I told him (at that time) that I was not interested in sex anymore, he decided to just shut himself down because he didn't want to hurt me by cheating. Of course he didn't tell me that at the time, so I went into crazy mode and accused him of cheating anyway (because why wouldn't he if I'm not giving him what he wants in bed?) because my self-esteem was so low. Then we split up and it all became a moot point.
We realized when we got back together that it would take some time to repair things. But since we have been doing so well, I thought that nature would take it's course and we would be back together in that sense as well. But it hasn't. Granted, he's had a lot of emotional and self-esteem issues. He put on a lot of weight too and he feels it. He started back to the gym at the beginning of the year and is losing weight and looks good. I never stopped being attracted to him even when he was over weight. I'm hoping that his interest will increase as his weight continues to go down.
But I really want to talk about this since we can't seem to get back into counseling. I'm just not sure how to do it. I said A LOT of really mean things in regards to sex and his motivations over the years, and he hasn't forgotten a single word. I've apologized and I've apologized some more but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I just don't know how to have a healthy conversation with him about it. It seems that I always end up saying the wrong thing. I'll joke about something and he'll take it to heart, etc. I'm starting to get baby fever and I've told him that I would like to make a decision on that matter by the end of the year (he's 33 and I'm 32), but I would also like to have a healthy sex life in place before it becomes about getting pregnant.
Any advice on how to facilitate a productive conversation? Am I barking up a tree that is best scaled by a professional?
Re: Major Drought
Thanks for the advice, though I don't think I agree with it. It's OK though; different strokes for different folks.
I absolutely do not condone bringing children into a relationship that is unstable. I've lectured on that one for a LONG time. Lol. Honestly, I'm not even sure yet if I want a child, that's why I'm looking for us to make up our minds by the end of the year, meaning is having a child even a viable option? I like my independence. I was a bit surprised when I realized that I think I could be just as happy without a child as with one, so that's why we are discussing the situation.
As for "ending" it because of scheduling conflicts? Nope. Maybe if we hadn't put the amount of work that we have so far, attended counseling already, etc. Besides I am virulently anti-divorce except for cases where abuse is a factor. Too many people turn to divorce nowadays. Marriage isn't disposable. It's a vow and it's sacred. I know a lot of people don't think that way but it's how I operate. My folks divorced when I was 5 and I swore that I would never put myself through the anguish that my mom went through.
He simply is NOT a sexual kind of guy.
I am not an advocate of staying celibate during a dating relationship and then doing the same when things get serious and no sex all the way on up until marriage. It simply isn't healthy. I can't name a case on these boards that had a happy resolution; the wives that have the same kind of a problem that you are having show up on these boards and their problem is all the same: "we never were sexual before marriage now how do I get my husband to turn into a sexually charged stud ravish me nightly? We now have been married X days/months/years and no sex is imminent."
He isn't a sexual guy due to issues only he can name; extreme religiosity may be playing a major problem. There is nothing that's going to change things.
Or maybe the problem was there long before he got the church and parental brainwash bullshit that sex before marriage is wrong and evil and is the devil's playground. This is also the same bunch that has people condemmed to the fires of Hades if they masturbate even once.
You can do one of 3 things:
1-Resign yourself to the fact that sex with your H will not be what you want it to be
2-You can ask him to let you participate in an open marriage: you stay married to him while he lets you pursue sex with outside partners
3-Get a divorce and move on.
The choice is going to have to be yours.
As I said, counseling for you:
You need to learn how to handle anger like a grown woman and you need to get a handle on your lack of self esteem. As I said, I know of very large people who are self confident; I know others who are all sizes and shapes and it's their self esteem that makes them so very attractive.
Do what you have to do; for right now take little steps.
I'd suggest a makeover for you, right now -- try a new hairstyle and haircolor; get an updated look for your makeup. If you're big right now, dress to accentuate the positives you've got --- have a look at ladies that have curves and asses and tits, like Queen Latifah and Christina Hendricks. They look fantastic!
One thing I'd like to say, you can take a horse to water but you can make it drink.
I had a relationship where my partner knew she had issues but refused to do anything about them. In then end, for my own sanity, I walked. Because at the point I realised, if nothing changes -- nothing changes.
I'm not advocating you take similar action but at some point, there comes a time when , you need to put your best interest first. And, as one of my good friends said to me at the time I called it a day, when I was considering go back to give it another go... An ex is an ex for a reason!
"Honey, I am feeling sad about all the things I've said in the past because it feels like we don't have a safe space where we can talk about really personal stuff. And that's what I want. I want to be able to have scary, vulnerable conversations with you and feel supported and heard, and I want to offer the same to you. Is that something you think we could work on practicing together?"
Tackle one thing at a time. First, practice using your voice. Second, begin creating safe spaces where you can have intimate dialog - and start really basic with topics that aren't very charged. Third, begin diving deeper, and demonstrate your commitment to these discussions by sharing your own fears and challenges.
I help people reconnect, reignite, and reclaim their desire, passion, and confidence. I teach people about sex and communication. Also, I'm the cohost of a weekly sex podcast, Sex Gets Real.