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Boundary issues with Dad?
I am 27, H is 29, we have been married 3 years, together for 12 years. I recently graduated from vet school and we are currently living with my in-laws so we can get a head start on paying loans back. We moved back to our home city, where dad is. Parents divorced when I was 13, and dad is currently in his 3rd marriage.
Dad has always been controlling, and I am now starting to realize how it affects the rest of my life. Since we have moved back to town (January), he has wanted to get together every weekend. I work as a brand new veterinarian 50-60 hrs/week, with every other weekend off. While I have tried to be accommodating for his wants, H and I are starting to feel like I “have” to go see dad, rather than “want” to go see him. Dad and H have never really gotten along, they tolerate each other. H never wants to go with me because he says that I change my behavior when I am around Dad and it is awkward.
Dad has told me that it isn’t fair that I spend the majority of my time at my in-laws, and comparatively little with him, especially now that we live in the same city. He knows that we live with them. He tells me that I need to manage my time more evenly between “H and his family” and “my family”.
Recently, Dad asked me what I thought was a fair amount of time to spend with H and his family, and what was fair to spend with my family. I said I didn’t know, and he stated that it would be a good thing to find out. When I asked him what he thought was fair, he suggested that H and I come over to his house once a week for dinner or game night.
Dad has also said that I only see him when it is convenient for me, on the way to something else. Recently, I did see him for a few hours, and then left to go see my mom…on mother’s day. He is clearly upset that I didn’t spend enough time with him (about 4 hours), or that I didn’t see him a different day instead. I asked what other instances he was referring to, and he mentioned instances from 6+ years ago.
I am frustrated, and H is upset that Dad is suggesting, (or perhaps passively demanding?) that I schedule time to see him each week. At first, my thought was that this was not a very unreasonable request. But the more I think about it, and have asked people I trust, the more I am feeling the pressure of being controlled and manipulated. H says I need to tell Dad that I am an adult and have my own life to live with my husband, and that I will see him if I have the time, energy, and desire to do so. I don't know that I have the strength to have that conversation with Dad. I am afraid of how he would react.
As a caveat, whenever I do hang out with Dad, I meet him at a place of his choosing, and then we go in his car from there to wherever he wants (bookstore, shopping, his house to do…. absolutely nothing at all). Most times I watch him play games on his ipad. So I come home frustrated and irritated, and H has to deal with that. H has said that he would be willing to go camping, hiking, bowling, etc with Dad and his wife occasionally. Certainly not once a week, but every so often.
What do you think about my situation? The comments I have placed in here are things he has said several times over the years. Is Dad’s behavior controlling and manipulative, with boundary issues? My thought is to ignore his comments. I could instead invite him to things that H and I will be doing, rather than hanging out with him and allowing him to dictate our time together. Any advice is appreciated! Thanks in advance.
Re: Boundary issues with Dad?
I'm doing the math in my head and have concluded that since you got married at age 24, and had been dating your husband since you were 15, your dad may never have gotten over his vision of the two of you as kids who need to be told to ferry themselves between sets of parents. (This is also something you see with divorced parents; I grew up being shuttled from house to house, holiday to holiday, and there was always the expectation that everyone needed to have "equal time" with us kids even if we were exhausted and at the end of our ropes.)
He's going to need to readjust this vision, though. I don't suppose it occurs to him that the only reason you see your in-laws more often than you see him is because you happen to live under the same roof - and even at that, it's only because you want to pay back loans. Literally, it's nothing personal, just business. Not only that, but I'm assuming that with your current work schedule you really don't even see your in-laws very much, except maybe the occasional meal before you're either right back out the door or going to sleep at night. Perhaps pointing out this fact may lead him to realize that the "score" between families is more even than it appears.
But in the end, if he still won't listen to reason, he's really just going to have to get over it. I know from experience that it's uncomfortable having that type of discussion with one's parents, but just because they don't like what they hear doesn't change the fact that this is what's happening, with or without their approval.
Parents sometimes have a tough time seeing that when their "kids" get married, they are kids no longer. When you marry, you and your spouse become your own brand new family. Your parents' and in-laws' roles therefore change due to this new family. They are no longer authority figures over either of you.