Relationships
rboychuk
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Friends with Kids
Hello everyone,
I'm not new the the nest but I am new to the message boards so please bear with me if this is being put in the wrong spot.
A little background:
I'm 23 years old and will be celebrating my first anniversary with my wonderful husband this fall 
We are one of only 4 married couples in our groups of friends, so we also happen to not have many friends with children yet. Now my husband and I definitely want kids some day, but right now we're enjoying our free time as a married couple, I'm finishing up school and we just love loving on our "furbaby" lol I absolutely adore children so I never really thought having friends with kids would be any sort of issue. In fact, one of mine and my husband's best friend's is dating a wonderful girl who happens to have a 1 year old son. We absolutely adore him, babysit him once a week and see all of them to hang out at least a couple of times a week and never really have any issues. (yes there's the occasional plan that can't happen because its too late and the baby needs to sleep or they can't find a babysitter, but not a big deal we always find a way to enjoy ourselves at home on those occasions).
We are one of only 4 married couples in our groups of friends, so we also happen to not have many friends with children yet. Now my husband and I definitely want kids some day, but right now we're enjoying our free time as a married couple, I'm finishing up school and we just love loving on our "furbaby" lol I absolutely adore children so I never really thought having friends with kids would be any sort of issue. In fact, one of mine and my husband's best friend's is dating a wonderful girl who happens to have a 1 year old son. We absolutely adore him, babysit him once a week and see all of them to hang out at least a couple of times a week and never really have any issues. (yes there's the occasional plan that can't happen because its too late and the baby needs to sleep or they can't find a babysitter, but not a big deal we always find a way to enjoy ourselves at home on those occasions).Now here's where we get to the issue I'm having.
My best friend (who was also the MOH at my wedding) just had a daughter in January, in fact we're birthday buddies! Things have seemed to be going pretty smoothly, and I haven't felt much of a change in our relationship. I love my BFF's daughter and because I love kids don't mind if she's around at all ( who doesn't need a baby fix once in a while?).
Things have seemed to be going pretty smoothly, and I haven't felt much of a change in our relationship. I love my BFF's daughter and because I love kids don't mind if she's around at all ( who doesn't need a baby fix once in a while?). But lately it seems like my BFF is starting to shut me out a bit. I"m getting a lot of "you wouldn't understand, its a mom thing" or "well that's a bummer, but my problem with x is so much worse because I have a baby" or my BFF getting upset because I go and do things she can't do because she doesn't have a babysitter or because she wants to be home with her baby(she's always invited, it just sometimes doesn't work out)and in turn I'm starting to feel a little resentful (not sure if that's the word I'm looking for), which I know is wrong on my part.
But where I used to love hearing about anything my BFF's daughter did during the day, I'm starting to get a little annoyed 
I understand that having a baby is hard (its exactly why I don't have one yet) and that you would want to be with your baby all time time. But, do I have to feel bad and left out because I don't have one? She gets to do mommy and me classes and such and gets to talk all about them, but I can't talk about anything going on in my life because she might feel left out? :/or do I have to feel bad for doing something without her when she can't make it because of her child? I know this is a tough new transition into parenthood and I want to support my BFF 100% I'm just starting to feel like we're pushing apart a bit because of it all and its making me pretty sad.
I understand that having a baby is hard (its exactly why I don't have one yet) and that you would want to be with your baby all time time. But, do I have to feel bad and left out because I don't have one? She gets to do mommy and me classes and such and gets to talk all about them, but I can't talk about anything going on in my life because she might feel left out? :/or do I have to feel bad for doing something without her when she can't make it because of her child? I know this is a tough new transition into parenthood and I want to support my BFF 100% I'm just starting to feel like we're pushing apart a bit because of it all and its making me pretty sad.Not sure if anyone else has dealt with this, but I'm hoping someone might have some perspectives. I don't want to lose my best friend, but I also understand that our lives are moving at different rates and things are different in our relationship. I just want to make sure I handle everything in the kindest way possible because I really care about her and her child...
Re: Friends with Kids
This would annoy me too. Is it actually interesting to hear about her "mommy and me" classes?
Whether or not you have kids or not or she has kids or not, friendship is still a matter of give and take and a matter of working on the friendship so it stays alive and intact.
You need to sit down and talk to her one on one, minus any kids around. Try a lunch date; then bring up the topic.
You shouldn't have to walk on eggs around her or bend over back wards for her. That's not what a friendship is about.
Don't write her off. Just give it time with intermittent get togethers and see if it improves.
It happened to my best friend when she had her first baby. I thought her having children would bring us closer together (I already had mine the year before) but nooooooooo she went bat shyte CRAYZEEEEEE and has absolutely no interests outside of her child. Not a thing. World events? Nada. Going out to do things? Oh noes, can't leave the baby at home with Dad! He can't possibly care for her! Talking on Skype? She literally holds up her baby in front of the camera making airplane noises the entire time.
I thought fine, maybe we can talk about baby stuff - but nooooooo. It's not worth the frustration. Oh? Your twins (mine) are really into couscous? WELL IS IT ORGANIC COUSCOUS MADE FROM RESPONSIBLE COUSCOUS FARMS THAT USE NATURAL NAVAJOH TEARS FOR FERTILIZER? NO? HOW CAN YOU DO THAT TO YOUR CHILDREN?!?!?!
FFS, you wouldn't believe the ruckus she makes about car seats. Cripes. Do you have a car seat? Yes? Do you like it? Yes? Does it consist of more than duct tape and a football helmet? Yes? FANTASTIC! Can we talk about something else now??
Sadly, some people just push out their brains along with the placenta. You either have to wait it out or let the friendship fade. It's unlikely that you having a heart to heart with her right now is going to change much, she's not in a place where she is receptive of that.
Because you know, i'ts a 'mom thing'. Gag.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Both are rather accurate.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I get you are not ready to have kids yet. Mommy and me classes are not that great, so really don't feel left out don't worry about it. I love my kids, but being child free is infinitely easy.
I am not jealous of my friends without kids, and they are not resentful of me. It sounds like you guys need to (on both sides) stop comparing your lives with each other. They are just different neither is any better or worse. Best of luck to you. Don't worry too much about it. One day you may have kids, and understand better, and if you don't that's fine too. Having kids is really difficult, so your friend is probably just having a hard time.
I try to keep in mind that she's right--I WOULDN'T understand. And neither would you. We might be able to grasp the basics, but I'm quickly learning through interactions with my best friend that parenthood is the kind of thing you don't fully understand until you experience it. I know you probably already realize this, but she's going through challenges you might not even know about--little day-to-day things that become herculean tasks for reasons most of us wouldn't think to anticipate before having kids.
And it's natural for her to feel left out, I think. My best friend does, I know that. It doesn't mean you can't talk about things you're doing or things you're enjoying. I know it can be hurtful to share your excitement with someone and not feel like she's happy for you, but I'm sure she is. There's just probably also a longing for the life you're living, to some extent. No matter how happy she is with her child, there are probably still moments where she misses the life she was able to live before she was a mama.
Keep in mind this is all coming from the perspective of someone who DOESN'T have children. I can't speak for your friend or say for sure how she's feeling, because I DON'T know what it's like to be a parent. I'm just telling you things that my best friend and I have talked about for the same reasons, and letting you know some things that I'm learning to keep in mind so that I can be more supportive of my friend. I realize that something like this can definitely put a huge strain on even the closest friendships, and my BFF and I still struggle sometimes to find time for each other. I guess the best advice I can give is to be as empathetic as possible, to make sure to take advantage of all your opportunities to spend time together whenever you are both available, and to maybe talk to her to find out how she feels about your friendship and find out for sure whether it does actually bother her when you talk about exciting things in your life that she can't take part in. If it does, then that might be something you two have to work out, but try to keep in mind that she is under a lot of stress that you and I probably can't begin to imagine and she's probably feeling the stress of the strain on your friendship as much as you are.
And above all, always make sure to keep how she's feeling in mind and do your best to make time for her. She doesn't have nearly as much control over her own schedule as she used to, so you might have to bend a little, and it will probably take a lot of work on both ends, but it sounds like this is a friendship that you really value so I'm sure you'll be able to make it work.
(Sorry for the long comment. I hope it all made sense. I'm feeling a little out of it today.)