Relationships
jlp41704
member
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Possible cheating?
This is a follow-up post to my one the other day about my DH. Here's a
quick little background info: On my husband's one FB page he had two
women one there from HS who would constantly flirt with, one he messed
around with a few years ago before we met. He deactivated this page and
started a new one which I have no issues with because we know each
other's FB passwords. On the newer FB account there are several women
who would send him flirty messages and I wasn't OK with that so he
blocked them. They are still blocked. Yesterday I noticed the old
account was reactivated and the password was changed so now he has 2 FB
pages going, one with access to these women who bother me because they
have no boundaries. I don't know what to do. Should I lay low and act
like I don't know it's activated and see what he does or ask him?
Remember, he loves becoming defensive and tries turning the tables on me
to where it's my fault. Thank you!
Re: Possible cheating?
The bolded is already a bad situation. Now he's being shady and possibly hiding something from you. I think it's time to get your ducks in a row, because this is not a healthy relationship.
NOT the ladies in question.
He also sounds woefully immature.
Here is the story: You're going to have to decide whether or not you like his little internet friendships. Getting him to block them or give up FB is useless.
He is already showing you where this is at.
Ask yourself if you can tolerate this anymore.
If you cannot, perhaps it is best that you decide to call it a day and say goodbye to him --- he's going to do as he wishes no matter what -- and he could still use FB elsewhere, like on a burner phone you would know nothing about --- or use the public computers at your local library.
The worm is in the apple here. YOU decide what's right for you and what you can or cannot accept.
Then again, you can offer to meet up with him using your fake moniker...and won't he be surprised when he gets there and sees that it's.you....:(
If FB did not exist, I guarantee you he'd still find a way to chat up other women. Do it the ole fashioned way before cell phones came along: do it when you are not around and are nowhere in the vicinity.
You do not trust this guy. I don't think there is any way around this.
If you find that there IS something going on or starting to happen, try to ask him what is going on in a patient way with the understanding that it may have been something that developed out of an issue with the relationship, not just because he is a bad guy that is trying to hurt your feelings. It's easy to say that his behavior is due to his character, but harder (but also more rewarding) to address the issues that caused this behavior.
1. You confront/discuss/challenge him on this issue without actual written proof of whatever shenanigans he is up to on that facebook account. He will be defensive, argue with you, gaslight you (look it up if you don't know, it's an eye-opener), and bar none-----RESENT YOU
or
2. You confront with proof. You two will have long teary talks ranging from him still being defensive, dismissive or the other end of the spectrum of apologetic. He will also still (silently) ----------RESENT YOU.
He wants to get the ego kibbles of flirting with these girls. He wants it no matter what. He knows it's wrong. He's doing it anyway [and now, possibly ramping up to more].
You can try to symbolically beat him with a stick and say 'No, bad boy. Bad boy! I'm leaving if you don't change." BUT IT DOES NOT CHANGE who he is right now. He might change his actions under pressure but it's not going to change his personality.
I KNOW that most people are dead against spying. If you have to spy, then you don't trust him which means the relationship is doodoo in the first place.
To heck with it. I say install a dang keylogger on his computer. See for yourself so you can give yourself permission (and hopefully find a nice big piece of self-respect in your indignation) to leave him.
Spy on him and let him hang himself. Too many women want to fix, nurture, soothe a man into becoming better than he is. They are blind to just how much they lower themselves in doing so. I find no sympathy to the cruddy kind of guys that leach on these kind of women. Even if the women are wrong for letting themselves be walked over, I'd rather they find a way to wake up by any means.
I come from a household with complete open information access. I know his passwords, he knows mine. I can look at his phone at any time and vice versa.
I have never felt the need to (especially since his buddies might confide things to him that I have no business knowing). But he knows if I ever even get suspicious, then that's the first thing I'll do. No bones about it.