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Issues / Falling Out With My Mom (sorry it's long, but I need advice)
Hello - I've been having some issues with my mom over the past few years & it has now come to a breaking point. Sorry it’s long & maybe I just needed to vent.
Short Background...
My mom & I have always been really close (or so I thought). She was a single parent who did everything with me....her & my dad divorced about 31 years ago (I'm about to be 32). She has been dating her boyfriend for about 20 or more years now & they are raising his grand-daughter (they have managerial rights) for the past 8 years. We used to talk daily, but over the past couple of years I've started trying to limit contact because of the issues that are happening and 2 weeks ago I completely cut off contact with her.
The Issues....
1) In the middle of wedding planning is when the problems started. Both of my parents said they would pay for the wedding and they each told us what they would cover. When I reached out to both of them to confirm the totals on everything & re-confirm what they said, my mom cut the budget in half & then eventually told me to get a second job....my dad held up his end even though he didn't have a job at the time, but my mom bailed out on most of it (she owns her business). When it came down to wedding dress shopping my mom bailed on me again when we were supposed to go out of town to look at this dress I found (which ended up being the one). She said she had to work, but I found out while at the dress store that she was at a swimming pool party with her BF's grand-daughter. I've told her several times how upsetting this was, but her response was "oh well get over it" & she "didn't want to waste time shopping for a dress".
2) My mom has been complaining for the past several years about how miserable her BF and his grand-daughter have been making her life. She only talks about the negative stuff & never anything positive. I keep trying to provide her with resolutions, but she always has an excuse for why it won't work, etc... I've expressed to her that if she's not going to make any changes about her situation then I do not want to keep hearing about it. Needless to say she still complains them.
3) My mom has now started complaining about other people (including family members) that are her age (with no kids at home) who are going out every weekend to the lake, out with friends, trips, concerts, etc... I explained to her that's what people do at her age and that she could be doing the same thing.
4) I feel like my mom has replaced me with her BF's grand-daughter. Every time we plan to do something together she cancels on me at the last possible minute to go do something with this kid instead. At times, I’ve been able to have my aunt or step-mom fill in which hurts my mom’s feelings or I’ll continue the day by myself. If she doesn't cancel, she'll bring the kid along even though she said she was coming by herself. She usually has the same excuse....either her BF isn't capable of watching his grand-daughter or that the grand-daughter and him were not getting along that day. When she does this, the entire day changes, our plans are canceled & she leaves within an hour of arriving because she has the kid with her. She feels that it’s fine for her to do this to me, but it’s wrong of me to ask someone else to fill in where she bailed / left off.
5) My mom is not on any legal paperwork for this kid & her BF only has managerial rights (for education or medical) if the parents are not there to make a decision. They took this kid in to help out the parents until they got back on their feet since they could not raise her properly at the time & her parents are capable of taking her back at any time they want; however, my mom won't let them. I've spoke to both parents of this kid to get a better understanding & found out that mom will not let them see their daughter at times or that she pushes them away when they try to do anything that a normal parent would do with their kids. I was told by both of the parents that it’s now just easier to let my mom & her BF deal with the kid & to just stay out of the picture even though they both want the kid back.
6) When I try to talk to my about all of these things she either shuts down, changes the subject, or hangs up on me. She refuses to talk about any of these things & appears to believe that if she ignores them that they will eventually go away, but in reality it's only making the situation worse. Since I haven't been able to have a conversation with my mom, I sent her an email about 2 weeks ago explaining how I feel about all of this & that the email was the only way for me to explain how I felt since she refuses to talk to me about any of this. I have spoken to her once since that email & I asked if she received it because I never heard back from her. She said that she did get it, but wasn't going to respond back to it because it's too long, she doesn't have time, & because she's a short & sweet kind of person. Instead of talking to me about it, she changed the subject again & got off the phone.
7) She called my husband yesterday to complain to him how I ruined her life. Before that call, he had no clue there was an issue going on. He explained everything that I just wrote out above to her, but it fell on deaf ears. She told him that the reason she cancels plans with me at the last minute is because she doesn't feel like coming to see me....she knows she's not going to show up, but still makes plans with me to make me happy at that moment just to hurt me later. He told me that he advised her to be the bigger person & reach out to me to have a normal conversation about it, but he didn't think she was capable of doing that so he asked me to do it. Later in the evening I went to message her, but I already had a text from her calling me jealous, immature, that if the kids parents come to get their kid then she will be done with me, that I needed to “grow the hell up”, & accused me of hurting a kid (which I never did). The parents of this kid are both married to other people now, have jobs, a house, and other kids that they take care of, etc… so this kid would NOT be affected by going back to either parent.
She believes that the issue is this kid, but it’s not even though she uses the kid as an excuse for her actions. It’s like she’s deflecting the problem to everything around her instead of addressing the problem that myself & others have explained to her. I have no problem with them raising this kid, but I do have a problem with her need to continue to lie to me, blow me off when we've made plans together, etc… I’m not asking to see her every day, week, or month because I know we both have our own lives to live & other things to tend to, but I would like to see my mom from time to time. I’m not asking her to stop raising this kid or to leave her BF, but she thinks I am. No matter what I try explaining to her gets blown out of proportion & turned into something that it’s not or she has an outburst that makes no sense as if she was a teenager. If we can’t communicate with each other & she refuses to see what’s happening to our relationship, what do I do?
Re: Issues / Falling Out With My Mom (sorry it's long, but I need advice)
Unfortunately, based on all the information you've given, there is absolutely nothing you can do at this point. You AND your husband have both spelled out, both on the phone and in writing, and in great detail, exactly what's bothering you and what she's doing, and she literally refuses to discuss it.
Not only that but she admits to not wanting to see you, among so many other crappy things that you've outlined here that tell me you did the right thing by cutting off contact with her.
The only thing that gives me pause is... how old is your mother?
I ask because you say she's dating someone who is a grandparent, and you also say you always used to have a great relationship with her except for the past couple of years. Given her seemingly sudden turn torward being rude, immature, inconsistent and manipulative - which you say did not used to be who she was at all - might there be any possibility that there's a mental health issue going on due to aging?
If so she should be evaluated, but if not, good riddance. You're better off with that toxic drama out of your life. You have my sympathies.
That could well be. Sometimes you get so tired of arguing that you figure it's better to just let the other person go off and say what they're going to say. Since age isn't the issue here - it's just her personality, according to those who know her - maybe you were just spared seeing that side of her for a very long time, and now the true colors are catching you off guard.
I can appreciate where your grandma's coming from because it's really tough to see people you care about in the middle of a feud. I myself am in the middle of watching a lot of drama between my in-laws and my grandparents-in-law. I admit that I would prefer it if some type of peaceful resolution was reached between them.
But on the other hand, I definitely respect that it's nobody else's place to try to force them to make up. If you try to force a relationship or a reconciliation between people, the only thing that's likely to happen is that both parties will remain mad at each other, but now also be mad at you for interfering. I've been the person who's gotten very angry in my own troubles with relatives, because well-meaning third parties try to tell me that I "should" work things out, and that's really not their call to make; it's mine.
So knowing that it's your call to make - I would say do what brings you the most peace of mind. If you need to stay separated from your mom's drama, it's totally understandable in light of how she's treated you. If you feel that you want to give it one more try, then you are more patient than I think I would be. Either way I know it's hard.
Your mother is complaining (venting) to you about her friends going on holidays and relaxing while she has had to generously step in to raise another young child. Instead of supporting her (which is what she was looking for from you - her FAMILY, and what you want so badly from her, no?) you crap all over her and tell her that if she's not willing to do what YOU think she should do then she has no right to complain to you about it. Nice. Very nice.
Your mother didn't go dress shopping with you to another town - because she had other obligations. Yeah, that stings and it sucks. Maybe her home life right now is so stressful that were she to go the stress once she got home would have been unbearable. It doesn't excuse the fact that you were hurt (as most people would have been) but step outside of yourself for a moment to think about what her motivations really were. What her situation is like and what is prompting her choices.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk