What Wedding to attend

Billyg333 · June 2014

My brother and wife's best friend are getting married on the same day. Normally I would go to my brothers but my wife and brother don't get along and it's mostly my brother to blame as he has always been a pain in the ass. He didn't go to our wedding because he couldn't afford it( granted it was in Jamaica, but my parents and uncle offered to pay for him). He also didn't do much to support myself and my wife through the entire process
He asked me to be in the wedding. My wife is the made of honor in her friends and doesn't wAnt me to even go to my brothers wedding never mind be in it.

Not sure what to do. The weddings are an hour away from each other and are the same times.

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

I would go to brother's wedding and here is why:

It's family
You and or/he may not always feel the same way as you do about things right now
You may someday wish you went to his wedding; who knows?

I am sure there will be kids of his someday; you'd also like to say you went to their dad's wedding.

This is perhaps one day out of your life --- all you need to do is show up, look nice and celebrate the day.

Outside of photo ops and the ceremony itself, you won't see much of Bro and the Wife that day. They'll be pretty busy with the wedding.

As for the batch: You might want to beg off. Attending a bachelor party is not a must. And you know the drill that's involved.:)

Err on the side of caution and take the high road. Perhaps you'll be glad you did.)

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

I would split up and go to both.

VOR · June 2014

You need to do what YOU feel is right. I don't blame you if you don't go to your brothers, but don't not go because your wife doesn't like him. Don't go because YOU don't want to go. But if you feel the right thing to do is to go, then go. He is family and while I don't see that as a "you MUST go", at the same time, it's also understandable if you want to go.

jtmh2012 · June 2014

Disneygeek77 said:

I would split up and go to both.

This!

Ilumine · June 2014

First and foremost, you do not have to do anything because "its for FAAAAMMMIIILLLYYYYYYY".

Being family does not mean that you have to put up with people being <insert any negative adjective or verb>. Being family means that you give your family EXTRA CONSIDERATION when you do something. So the fact that your family does <previous action> first means that you are no longer obligated to them.

THEY broke the covenant first.

Second, once you marry someone, THEY become your immediate family. And as long as your immediate family is being polite, and at the very least considerate towards you extended family, your first consideration is ALWAYS your new nuclear family. ALWAYS.

So If your brother has created the sour relationship between your wife (leave and cleave people) then the onus is on YOU to protect your new family. So what have you done to deal with your BROTHER?

As for this particular situation. From the way you wrote it (let me know if Im wrong) your wife got her invitation to be in the BFFs wedding first. She is now (morally and mannerly) to fulfill her obligation.

Now, that does not necessarily mean that you are 100% obligated to go to the BFFs wedding if you have not already sent back your RSVP.

However, and its a big however, exactly what has your brother done to your wife? Now not "doing much to support you" is pretty vague. IF that means he did not participate in putting together your pretty princess day, then your wife needs to get over herself (no one owes you a wedding). But if your brother was a vocal opponent towards your union, or purposefully pulled stunts that hindered the wedding, then this is a whole other consideration.

Because basically by you going to HIS wedding after he went against your wedding, you are condoning his actions and his BELIEFS. I would seriously have a problem with my husband if he was perfectly ok in going to the wedding to support the marriage of someone who did not support my marriage.

So you have to ask yourself, what do you want for your future. Is having a relationship with your niece/nephew worth your relationship with your wife?

Billyg333 · June 2014

Thank for your responses.

Over the past 7 years my brother has mistreated my wife by talking bad about her to my family. Things originally went sour when he lied to his current gf and my wife (gf at the time ) knew the truth but was put in a bad situation because of his lies. Since then he has continued to stir up more problems and he did not contribute to my wedding at all. (Sold no tickets to my stag, didn't attend my stag( had an excuse because he was in his friends wedding on the same day) and didn't attend wedding.( financial reasons) .

I don't talk to my family about much because I am more reserved but he complains to my parents which leaves them holding a grudge towards my wife .

I am leaning towards spending the wedding day with my wife. I may attend his rehearsal dinner the night before.

VOR · June 2014

I'm not going to touch your comments about your stag party. Well, I will say this- your WEDDING is the important event. Not any of the pre-parties. If he didn't do anything or attend- he's allowed that. However, that being said, the rest of it? I see as perfectly acceptable reasons to NOT attend his wedding. Be with your wife.

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

He didn't sell any tickets to your stag party ?

What does that mean ?

Ilumine · June 2014

While I understand the cultural tradition of selling tickets to stag parties, SERIOUSLY?!?

Yes, you can go that route, but you have absolutely no right to be upset with people (no matter what their reasoning) who do not participate in any pre/during/post wedding traditions. Because those traditions are just that traditions. NOT commands to perform.

As for everything else your brother has done, he sucks. But you know what - so do you. You know that your brother is lying about your wife to your parents and you do nothing. You know that your brother is creating situations where your wife will be both uncomfortable and defensive when she is around your family and you do nothing (your own words).

Being reserved is different than defending your wife.

So yes, I totally can understand why your wife not only will not go to his wedding, but wants you to not go. She is pretty much asking you to, for once, not choose the path of least resistance and defend her and your family.

You want to do the righteous thing? Call your brother and tell him that you are not coming. Explain that while you love him, you cannot provide him this kind of support when he not only could not support you, but has continually actively tried to destroy his marriage. That while you have never asked him to love your wife, you did at least expect him to be polite around and towards her.

And that until he can do so, you need to distance yourself from him.

Then immediately go to your parents and tell them the same thing. And then calmly apologize for your weakness in not defending your wife all of these years and explain that you are finally going to put your marriage first.

And then go home to your wife and apologize to her.

Erikan73 · June 2014

I'm another one voting for you to go to his & for your wife to go to BFF. When people ask where the other is, you can be honest & people will understand. You obviously can't ask your wife to skip her BFF wedding. This will help you keep you in good graces with the rest of your family.

What Wedding to attend

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