Need advice on how to handle situation with MIL and hubby

Re: Need advice on how to handle situation with MIL and hubby

• VOR member

  

  June 2014

  I feel that there is a LOT missing.

   

  Anniversary aside for a moment- what is the "norm" for Christmas?  On his side and also on yours?  Is what you did this past year different than what you've done all the other years?

  And why can't YOU all be proactive and tell his parents well before the holidays "this is what we're going to do this year". GIve them some time to prepare. 

  While I don't doubt that his mom may be a bit of a PITA, at the same time, if you all decided to change things up but didn't bother to actually tell anyone.... um, yeah, I can see why his mom is upset.  How she handled it was poor, but yet- you also threw this on her at the last minute. 

  Also, I really hate the term  "disrespected".  In most situations it's used from a very selfish standpoint, and really... I'm kind of picking that up here.  She's being selfish to a degree, but yet - so are you.  But yet SHE's the one in the wrong.  SHE isn't respecting you.  But I'm not really seeing much respect going to her from you. 

  Then to take this out on them by not attending their party?  Petty.  And I can understand your DHs frustration.  If this is how you respond to stuff with his family - uncool. 

  Maybe this is a case of him not backing you up and his always giving in to his family, but this situation is quite unclear and I'm not so willing to jump on that bandwagon quite yet.  Maybe he is a momma's boy, or maybe you've gotten to a place where nothing his family does is ever right and he's just tired of it. 

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• aathree member

  

  June 2014

  VOR thanks for your response. I can see where you think I am selfish. We already celebrated another Christmas by ourselves before that. Out of five years it's only two Christmases without them. Althought I wanted to celebrate another Christmas by ourselves because of traditions I gave in and changed plans. And we spent close to all Thanksgiving with them. Last year we decided to spend Thanksgiving with them and Christmas Eve home alone with the kids to integrate a little of my traditions. I personally think it is up to my husband to talk to his family about it since he is the one who is talking close to every day with his family. My MIL knows about that Christmas Eve is more important in my family and that I try to integrate it into my new family. We had this talk every Christmas. And like I said before I offered Dec 25th last year but that wasn't possible because she wouldn't have her grandsons around. And it's not the first time I offered the 25th weeks before Christmas and I always here the same answer. And if we celebrate Christmas with them, my husbands family always ask me how my family and I celebrating Christmas and what day is more important and when I explain it to them they tell me I should do next time and if I try they throw a fit. So I am willing to compromise and change plans but I also want that my children grow up with the traditions in my family. I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I try to do stuff with my MIL - inviting her over, cook dinner for my Inlaws, go shopping with her etc. But she makes it not always easy too. And maybe there is the language barrier on top of it. It's just one of those things like after five years not knowing how to spell my daughters name right, forgetting my other daughters birthday etc. My parents who live in another country can remember my kids birthdays, know how to spell the names, know my husbands birthday and always send at least a card or call. My MIL who lives 15 minutes away ignores all of it. I don't mind anymore that she doesn't know my birthday. And I gave up on the anniversary because every time hubby and me wanna have a weekend just by ourselves she thinks it is our anniversary. Maybe I have different standards since I see from my family more effort and bonding than with my MIL and his family in general. VOR you could be right that this means they can do what they want and it isn't right. On the side note we celebrated Mother's Day with her and her birthday and I am the one who always buys the gifts and plans everything - not my husband.

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• aathree member

  

  June 2014

  VOR I was thinking a lot about what you said and I have to agree with some of it. I guess it is more a problem with my husband. He tries to avoid confrontation like this with his family and that's why it is always last minute but also because his family waits til last minute. I think I just upset with my MIL because after four, five times calling and hearing the same answer from us (that it is our anniversary today) I would have thought she would be more considerate and says something like "call me when it is more convenient for you guys" or " let us talk early tomorrow morning". I know that is something my parents would have done and I know my parents would have respect and accept our decision regardless if they liked it or not. And don't worry I attend the anniversary from my parents inlaw. I like them and they are family. And my MIL has her good sides too and things I admire about her.

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  June 2014

  aathree said:

  Our anniversary is Dec 23rd and hubby and I decided last year we will celebrate Christmas Eve at home with the kids. Inlaws never asked what our plans are or what we are doing still Dec 23 rd. MIL called early in the morning and asked. Hubby told her we are not coming and he doesn't wanna discussed it because it is our anniversary. She called three more times and made sure FIL, SIL and BIL are calling too.
  
  Today is JUNE 14.
  
  She is asking about this NOW??? What in tarnation is she asking about a day over 6 months in the future???
  
  Tell her "We have plans. IF they change, we will be doing something else; it's not open to discussion" and let her chew on that.
  
  
   After that she called me crying on the phone. I told her we have time on the 25th. her response is she doesn't understand.
  
  Your thing is you don't get it --- you are permitting somebody to get the best of you. Don't give in to tears, begging or threats.
  
  She does but she doesn't like my answer that's all. So after that drama my husband was distance to me all day long on our anniversary. He barely spoke to me and tried to ignore me if possible.
  
  I am getting the idea that this is now a HUSBAND PROBLEM.
  
  He is supposed to take YOUR side. And nobody else's --- he needs to back you up on "Sorry we are not available" NOT give you the silent treatment and act like a damn 4 year old boy.
  
  Tell him to cut the shit or he will have a problem with you. Nip this in the bud NOW.
  
  
  Same for Christmas Eve. I felt so disrespected by her and by my husband for making me feel like it is my fault she behaves like this.
  
  There is NO such word as "disrepected." Some high school dropout made that word UP.
  
  I am telling you to nip this in the bud; he is to end the silent routine and take your side -- and if he does not, you've got a big big problem. If he can't take your side in this, he never will be on your team with anything.
  
  And if that is the case?
  
  SEnd him home to his mommy and divorce the chump. If you want a kid, you'll adopt one, NOT marry one.
  
  He blamed me after a couple of days and when she came over a week later acted like she is Mother Teresa. Original she agreed to watch the kids on our anniversary but because of us not attending Christmas Eve she did not watch them. My husband claimed she didn't know it was our anniversary. I am sorry smart people would get it if somebody tells them "Mom, I don't wanna talk about it right now since it is my anniversary today and I wanna enjoy this day." Surprisingly his dad understood it. In April we took a weekend trip and she was asking if it was because of our anniversary. Husband said on our anniversary was in December. She said oh ok, have fun. Now my parents in law's anniversary is coming up and they want the whole family there. I really do not wanna go since I don't get any respect from her.
  
  I want to talk to my husband about it but I know he becomes quickly defended by me if it is something about his family. He and his family behave like they can't do anything wrong and if it has to be the other person always, e.g. ME. I already told my husband that from now on we celebrate Christmas separately. I mentioned other Christmases that the 25th would be better for us and the answer was always that SIL's kids wouldn't be there so we can't celebrate on the 25th but they perfectly can celebrate without our kids. husband does not understand my frustration about it. I also don't wanna celebrate anymore anniversaries just because I don't wanna feel this way anymore and don't wanna fight with my husband. How can I make my husband understand my side of view without offending him?

  Sorry but you lost me during the last 2 paragraphs.
  
  Your problem is that you have a child for a husband. He will not side with you.
  
  Get him to get it he is to be a team with you, no questions asked -- and if he can't, send him home and divorce him. I'm serious.
  

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• artbyallie member

  

  June 2014

  Why are you posting about this 6 months after the fact???

  
  

  And this is a problem with your husband, not his mother. You really can't express your feelings and desires without him getting offended? What's up with that? That is not an appropriate response to a spouse.

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