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CPimentel90 · June 2014

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VOR · June 2014

CPimentel90 said:

He chose me to spend the rest of his life with him, not to sit behind him and watch the back of his head or to be his mommy. How do I confront him without making him angry or without dropping things that I do through out my regular routine?

To the first sentence - are you sure about that? He sounds pretty immature. I'd be questioning the "why" behind why he wants to marry you.

To the second sentence (and really, your entire post) - oh boy. OH BOY. Marriage will not change him. If anything, it will probably make him even worse.

My very, very true advice is to call off the wedding. Trust me, it's cheaper to let those deposits go than it is to hire a divorce attorney.

You ARE.NOT.READY.TO.GET.MARRIED. You aren't. It's that simple. largely because of him, but also because of you. Why have you been waiting on him hand and foot for FOUR years but only NOW it's become an issue?

And the fact that you can't talk to hm w/o fear of making him angry? What about YOUR feelings in all of this?

You probably won't, but seriously- the answer is to call off the wedding. Work on these issues and figure out if it is even possible to change things. I doubt it, TBH. But.... yo uneed to try BEFORE you marry him.

Because if you do marry him in 10 days - look around you at your life now and what it is that you don't like. Take a good, long look because this WILL BE YOUR LIFE next year, 5 years from now, 10 years from now. Is this what you want? Do you really think that this is what you deserve in life?

Tofumonkey · June 2014

I married my husband because even at that single point in time he was already the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Sure, little things he did back then drove me crazy - like his complete and utter inability to pick his underwear up off the bathroom floor after a shower. Or that he randomly inserts obscure movie lines into normal conversations.

In turn he married me despite me being a vegetarian (oh, how he suffers) and that I can't properly load a dishwasher to save my life.

Those are NORMAL things that people put up with when they marry each other. Quirks, one could call them.

What you are describing is not marriage material here. I don't doubt that you love him... but like VOR said, do you want this to be your life? Your entire life? Of waiting on him hand and foot, making all of the meals, setting his table, cleaning up after him and watching the back of his head play video games? Or do you want an equal partner in life? Someone that makes YOU feel great and does things for YOU and does things WITH YOU and puts you first? Someone that calls you while you are at work and asks you if you're prefer rotini or linguini for the pasta he's planning to make for dinner tonight? Someone that calls you while you're out to say 'hey, I was just cleaning the bathroom and we are out of bleach, can you pick some up?' Someone that comes home to hang out and be WITH you, not just in the same room?

Read through posts on here and you will see the phrase 'a ring on his finger isn't magic' so, so many times. People don't change because they are married. They may shape up to be an ideal spouse for a week or two, maybe even a month. But then you'll be back to where you are at.

You want to take these vows seriously - why set yourself up for a lifetime of this if you don't have to?

You're not going to call off the wedding (probably. Even though you should). But you should at the very least have a good heart to heart with him, tonight. Tell him what you told us. Tell him what you want. Ask him if he can commit to doing that. And if he can't, be honest with yourself and with him.

Sign up for cooking classes together. Get him cleaning. Get him to cut back on the video games. If you cook he cleans or vice versa. Get him doing laundry. Get him doing things for you and for the household and get him understanding what married life is - or you are going to be miserable.

VOR · June 2014

Oh, and to add. Do you want to have kids? Because if you do - be VERY aware that if you do, things still WILL.NOT.CHANGE. You will be taking care of a child all by yourself while ALSO still waiting on him hand and foot.

Wake up. Please.

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

Well this is harsh, but when it came to choosing someone to build a life with, possibly make a family with and have a future with; you chose poorly.

This is who he is and I doubt there is anything you can do to change that. Crying, moaning, pouting, silent treatments, threats will not work. Maybe for a short time, but not in the long run.

This is how things are going to be for the rest of your life, if anything it will gets worse once you get married and it will get much worse if you have children.

You can either accept this or you can choose a better life for yourself and your future children.

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

CPimentel90 said:

My Fiance and I are tying the knot in 10 days, we've been together for 4 years. Through out the whole time I have waited on him hand and foot, cooking and cleaning, doing laundry and ALL the errands. Everything. A few months ago, we started couples counseling through our church and our Pastor has told him that he, my fiance, needs to take some responsibility for himself and become the HUSBAND that I want him to be. Honestly, my fiance, all he does is play video games and go to work. That is all, and he acts like its clockwork. He doesn't even eat unless I make a meal, set and ready for him. I do love him, but he needs to grow up. Right? Life is not about video games. He chose me to spend the rest of his life with him, not to sit behind him and watch the back of his head or to be his mommy. How do I confront him without making him angry or without dropping things that I do through out my regular routine?

JIC

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

I also want to tell you my personal experience. Not to brag, but I believe I chose very wisely when I married my husband. I didn't get lucky, I made a good decision. He is a blessing to my life everyday and I thank God every day that I married him. He is patient, loving, kind, considerate, loyal, hard working and very very helpful. He doesn't think he is above doing dishes, scrubbing toilets, cleaning clothes, changing diapers, making dinner, giving the kids baths, putting them to bed. He helps with with all of it.

Listen, the person you choose to marry is the most important decision you will ever make. This is the person who can give you years of joy or years of misery. CHARACTER is the most important quality you can look for. You have no idea what life has in store for you, no idea. You can face serious injury, permanent disability, life changing diseases. You could lose your home, your jobs, your parents or like my husband and I; lose a child. You might experience infertility, miscarriage or have children with severe developmental delays. This can happen to you.

If your FI is like this now, when life is relatively easy, how will he be when life gets really difficult ? Do you think he will be there for you if you get MS or cancer ? What if you are like my cousin who has had cancer 4 times before she is 35, will he be there to pick up the slack when you are too sick to even get out of bed ? What if you are like my friend who has a son with severe developmental delays and even at the age of 14 still can't talk or use the toilet ? Think he will stick around for that ? Do you know how my cousin and my friend are able to handle life's difficulties ? They have wonderful husbands with strong character and are there for support, comfort and love. Do you know how I was able to move on from having to bury my 4 month old daughter in the ground ? Do you know how I was able to overcome the grief, depression and anxiety I was experiencing ? I had a wonderful husband who was there to support me when I thought I was losing my mind.

Look, this can happen to you. All of this horrible stuff can happen to you. That is why you absolutely must choose a person with character. A man that lets you take care of everything and isn't considerate enough to be an equal partner with you does not have character. I can't emphasize enough that he is not marriage material.

OtterJ · June 2014

Before counseling, did you ever talk to him about needing to show some responsibility? Have you actually been okay with being his personal servant, or has it been a constant source of conflict between the two of you?

I hate to break it to you, but if you're not okay with being his servant, you're going to have to make him angry. And really, if you're not okay with it, you should have made him angry years ago.

I dated a man for 7 years that sounds very similar to your fiance, although my ex was likely a lot worse. Towards the end of our relationship, simply asking him to help out with something threw him into a rage. There was a lot about him that was revealed very gradually, and there always seemed to be an excuse for our problems other than the plain and simple truth. The main reason why I didn't have any "red flags" that yelled "Dump Him Now," is the fact that he was actually very similar to my father. I thought a certain percentage of his major faults were normal, because my dad had the same faults.

Usually, when I did confront my ex with my unhappiness about our relationship, he would magically transform into the perfect boyfriend....for about a month. When I say perfect, I mean PERFECT. He was wonderful when he wanted to be, and I fell for it, hook, like, and sinker! I had no previous relationships, so I honestly didn't know that ours wasn't normal. I also had the example of my parent's relationship to go on, which I realize now, wasn't actually a healthy relationship (mostly because of certain traits of my father). My mom has made it clear now that had she known what she knows now, she would have never married my father. I admire her perseverance and determination to make their relationship better, (and it really is much better now) but she had to endure many years difficulties to get here.

I'm sure that had I married my ex, we would have found a way to make it work. But I'm confident, that it would have been a relationship similar to my parents'. Many years of my misery, to eventually get to something that works.

I read lots of relationship material, and they all echoed the same message: Marriage doesn't fix your problems. Often, it can even make them worse.

Needless to say, I finally "woke up" and realized that I wanted something better all the time - not just when he wanted it to be better. It was the hardest decision that I've ever made, because I really did love him. I had to endure a lot of judgement from not only friends (most of which, I lost), but my own family (he really was seen as the "golden boy"....he had the best Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde act, ever....and only I ever saw his Mr. Hyde). I also had to learn how to stop being angry with myself for not getting out sooner. I felt like the biggest fool in the world for staying with someone so long, and then to have it end with nothing to show for it?! Felt miserable.

A few months later, I started dating the man that I later married. I would literally find myself staring at him in awe because he was completely redefining for me the way a man should behave. I kept waiting for his "switch" to be flipped on, and see his true colors, but he never changed. Even when we disagreed about something, or I had to ask him to help out (would have turned the ex into the hulk!), he was still sweet and pleasant, and always wanted the best for us. He's not perfect, but I couldn't have asked for someone any better. I don't feel like I have to walk around on eggshells to please him, or cater to his ever need. I finally understand what a healthy relationship is, and I love every minute of it.

I know that you only gave us a very tiny glimpse into your relationship. It's difficult to sum up a problem, or a person in just a few sentences, so we don't know the whole story. I just want to give you a tiny bit of advice: Don't Settle.

If you're unhappy with your relationship now,, then you're going to continue to be unhappy in your relationship after you get married. I know that leaving him now would be a very difficult decision to make, but think about relationships similar to my parents': years of difficulty and struggle to get to a point where they're both happy. All relationships take work, but some require much more than others (and some require lots and lots of counseling to stay together), and you're walking into a situation where you KNOW it will be more difficult and stressful than the average marriage. Are you up for it?

To gain a little perspective, go visit the "Trouble in Paradise" board (I think that's the title - it's here on the nest). It is full of married ladies lamenting that the man-child that they dated remained a man-child when they got married.

One thing that helped me realize my ex wasn't for me, was going through the book Saving your Marriage Before it Starts by Dr.s Les & Leslie Parrott. This book is not the only pre-marriage material available, but I found it helpful. My ex wasn't really willing to go through it with me, but the few exercises that we did do began a firestorm of arguments. He eventually stopped talking to me about anything related to our future. It made my decision easier. The book/workbook contains exercises and questions that basically lays everything out on the table. What are your expectations of marriage? What are his expectations of marriage? Can they be reconciled? If he expects you to continue being his servant, and you expect him to man-up and grow up, you both need to know that now.

If you're not sure about going forward with the marriage, but you're not sure about cancelling it, then at the very least, you need to postpone it until you two can work out this issue. Marriage is not something you should go into lightly.

VOR · June 2014

I... I really can't say much after what Disney wrote. everything she said is SPOT ON.

And what's important to understand - there are many, many, many men out there who have character. MANY. You don't have to settle for your FI just because he's who's there right now. Just because he proposed.

You can make a CHOICE about your life. And really - if you choose to marry him anyhow, when things continue to suck and possibly even get worse - you kind of lose your right to complain. You're going in with eyes wide open.

And let me add too- there is nothing more wonderful that truly having an EQUAL PARTNER in life. Someone who is IN IT with you. Who has your back and you have theirs. Who you WANT to do nice things for because you know they'll appreciate it and because you know they'll do the same for you.

Don't settle. Make the right choice here. Again- you DESERVE better.

BlueBirdMB · June 2014

This sounds like someone I knew. She got married and was separated 2 months later. Even though she had been dealing with this issues forever, the idea that it was permanent after she was married was enough to wake her up and dump the guy.

Don't be that girl. Wake up before you get married- it's way easier now.

Sugarplum97 · June 2014

I agree with everything everyone else is saying.

Marriage isn't going to change him, having children will be a nightmare. It will be hard enough taking care of a baby, much less a man child. You can't do everything for him. If you won't call off the wedding, just stop doing everything. He will get hungry and run out of clean clothes eventually. You have to put your foot down, make him realize that you will not do everything for him. You are not his mom, nor his slave.

Have a very serious heart to heart with him. Ask him, who do you love more me or video games. It should put things in perspective for him. If he really loves you he will cut back on the video games.

One of my friends got married to someone who was addicted to video games, thought he would change. He didn't. They got divorced a year or so later.

Seriously, DH works twelve hour rotating shifts, on his feet packing glass, and he still helps me out around the house when I need him to. Marriage is all about give and take and it sounds like you are doing all of the taking.

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

CPimentel90 said:

My Fiance and I are tying the knot in 10 days, we've been together for 4 years. Through out the whole time I have waited on him hand and foot, cooking and cleaning, doing laundry and ALL the errands.

Well, so sorry, kiddo....

But ALL of this is a YOU problem, not a HIM problem.

You are the one who is showing him that it is okay to be his cook, his laundress, his concierge, his maid, his handmaiden, his dishwasher, his grocer, his tailior, his entertainment committee, his banker, his laundress and his maid, along with being his sex machine.

To break this pattern means you need to sit him down and say TODAY "Sorry but from here on in, YOU pick up your SLACK, not me. Agree to it and make good on it or I leave."

Of course you know that he will not hold up his end of the bargain. So that means you will have to leave...but you will not do it. You will if you are smart, today without fail.

And you are complaining about this now.

Holy horse out of the barn, Batman.

Everything. A few months ago, we started couples counseling through our church and our Pastor has told him that he, my fiance, needs to take some responsibility for himself and become the HUSBAND that I want him to be.

Even an athiest agnostic will tell you the vow is "Forsaking all others" and that means he puts you first...which ultimately means he is to be a grown man and do his part in all aspects of the marriage. That includes NOT letting you be the one to pull the whole load.

How old IS this guy? He sounds rather young; i am willing to bet he is 22 max. His age and immaturity -- and lack of respect for you and zero character -- is showing. Bad NEWS.

Honestly, my fiance, all he does is play video games and go to work. That is all, and he acts like its clockwork.

Well, bully to him!

What your clergy person said to him fell on deaf ears?

I suggest you run like hell.

Right NOW.

DO NOT marry this jerk.

He doesn't even eat unless I make a meal, set and ready for him. I do love him, but he needs to grow up. Right? Life is not about video games. He chose me to spend the rest of his life with him, not to sit behind him and watch the back of his head or to be his mommy. How do I confront him without making him angry or without dropping things that I do through out my regular routine?

Holy crap. You arre concerned bout NOT making him angry???

Get rid of him --- and get counseling for yourself. YOu permitted yourself to be taken for a ride and you do not have a healthy relationship with him. This is more like a parent child relationship, by virtue of the fact you do it all for him, like his mother would.

This is also a codependency....or getting rapidly to be a codependency. Not healthy and not great.

If you do not know what a codependency is, google. That is what you have, not a healthy dynamic

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

I cannot get rid of your box...adding more here:

You have time.

Call off this sham relationship and cancel the wedding.

What's happening here is not healthy, as i said -- and he has no respect for you! Anybody with common sense will tell you that a good relationship is built upon mutual respect.

If you marry this guy, the problem will worsen one trillion percent --- you also cannot get him to grow up.; HE has to be the one to make sure of that.

Don't marry him. Eating a deposit means shit compared to your future happiness.
It will be no big whoop to eat the cost of the florist and dj and photog; big shit! SMALL prifce to "Pay" compared to marrying a lazy eff up who doesn't give a hoot about you or what kind of advice somebody wise gave him!

A few months ago is when that conversation took place between your FI and your clergyman...

And this lump you are engaged to did not wise up and follow through.

You should be livid as hell.

Not only did he wake up and get with the program, he also cannot follow advice. BIG red flag and that means a lot --- if he cannot follow this advice, what advice will he follow int he future????

What is he planning on doing if kids come into the picture? Sticking you with the entire parental load????

What happens if you have a crisis? If he cannot handle pulling his own load around the house, he will NOT be able to handle a crisis!

And belive me you, there will be more than one crisis to endure if you are married! Jobs can be lost, there may be serious illness, there may be a health problem problem with him and or you or your parents or somebody else you love, to name a few! This guy will NOT be able to handle it.

A divorce is vastly more costly than the price of a wedding day.

You pay for a bad marriage with a great deal more than money for a divorce attorney retainer: you will pay for it emotionally and belive me: you cannot put a price on the emotional cost of a divorce..

Call this wedding off today. Listen to what the others have said: you have gotten excellent advice --- and the resounding flaw they have pointed out:

Your FI has NO character.

Think about it.

Counseling for YOU after you tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. Why were you okay with the fact that you were the one stuck with the entire load --- and at 22 years of age or a scant 21???

What kind of a LIFE have you got????

Get rid of him. Do it today. To hell with keeping up appearances and forget embarrassment or what your family will have to say when you call off this wedding..

Your happiness matters most of all.

Will not eat unless you have the meal set and ready for him?

Have the open door set and ready for him...to head out of for GOOD!

NOT his meal, sis!

rachelgarcia7 · June 2014

Well, I believe some of these comments are quite harsh. However, I feel bad that you have led this man (?boy ?age) to believe for YEARS that this behavior is acceptable. Why did you begin doing all of these things in the first place? Did you offer? Want to be a good girlfriend? Show that you could be the perfect homemaker? Or, on the flip side did he force you into being his domestic slave? It seems from your post that you chose to do these things and in making said choice, allowed this future to unfold. If you really do love this man and he really does love you then you could come to a reasonable compromise. Maybe this is the first time that you've brought up the issue and he's completely floored. Maybe he thought you wished for traditional husband/ wife roleplay. Whatever the reason- marriage and a serious loving relationship is work and if something as simple as shared house chores is unable to be solved, put on the brakes. Also, there's nothing wrong with playing video games. Doesn't make him a douchbag just because he enjoys mind numbing entertainment. In fact, I guarantee that some if not most of you partake in horrid reality shows that otherwise resemble train wrecks (its freaking horrible, but you just can't look away). Its the balance of this behavior that is a problem. Good luck. If you care about him it is still makes this decision very difficult and if you choose to leave it's still going to hurt because on some level you probably do deeply care for one another. And remember, you can't make them, mold them, change them into what you want them to be. Love your partner for who he/ she is. Respect them for it, be their biggest cheerleader. Allow them to be vulnerable in their flaws and choose wisely if you want your marriage to last.

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

rachelgarcia7 said:

Well, I believe some of these comments are quite harsh. However, I feel bad that you have led this man (?boy ?age) to believe for YEARS that this behavior is acceptable. Why did you begin doing all of these things in the first place? Did you offer? Want to be a good girlfriend? Show that you could be the perfect homemaker? Or, on the flip side did he force you into being his domestic slave? It seems from your post that you chose to do these things and in making said choice, allowed this future to unfold. If you really do love this man and he really does love you then you could come to a reasonable compromise. Maybe this is the first time that you've brought up the issue and he's completely floored. Maybe he thought you wished for traditional husband/ wife roleplay. Whatever the reason- marriage and a serious loving relationship is work and if something as simple as shared house chores is unable to be solved, put on the brakes. Also, there's nothing wrong with playing video games. Doesn't make him a douchbag just because he enjoys mind numbing entertainment. In fact, I guarantee that some if not most of you partake in horrid reality shows that otherwise resemble train wrecks (its freaking horrible, but you just can't look away). Its the balance of this behavior that is a problem. Good luck. If you care about him it is still makes this decision very difficult and if you choose to leave it's still going to hurt because on some level you probably do deeply care for one another. And remember, you can't make them, mold them, change them into what you want them to be. Love your partner for who he/ she is. Respect them for it, be their biggest cheerleader. Allow them to be vulnerable in their flaws and choose wisely if you want your marriage to last.

I have noticed that nowhere in your block o' text did you mention he has no character.

Or did you not notice that the OP's lump FI has NONE?

And you did not quite read her post thorughly. She said that all he wants to do is play video games. Do you think that's healthy or right?

Love him for what he is? There is nothing for her to love! He hasn't got her back, he leaves her holding the bag, he has no respect for her, no character and he will not listen to advice at all, particularly that kind of advice that has his future hanging in the balance.

There is no compromise. He either picks up his slack or he doesn't or he has character or he does not.

And this is where parents screw up by letting the kids sit idle while they do it all for their kids.

When we were kids, we had chores to do: keep your room relatively clean, take out the garbage, wash the car, help with the lawn and garden work, help clean up around the house, bring your dirty laundry to the hamper, wash the dishes after dinner.

We did not sit and let our mothers take care of it all for us! If we did --- or tried to --- boy would we get it and how.

OP: I am guessing you live with him.

So what you are seeing right now is what your life is going to be like for the next 50 years or so....or until you catch wise and cut this bum loose.

You don't ride your partner's/spouse's coattails and you don't let that person do it all and you are supposed to have her back. If he has no character and no respect for you when it comes to housework, when will he ever have character or respect for you?

This has been your one and only boyfriend. Why it is never a good idea to marry the one and only person you have dated!

And as you can see, very few 21/22 year old guys (and women) are ready for a lifetime commitment. He isn't ready for one -- who knows when he will be? -- and neither are you.

Today is June 20. You are not going to see him magically change in 7 more days. What you are seeing now is IT: that is him...

And if you truly cannot stomach being his slave anymore, ditch him for good. Cancel the wedding. Don't get stuck with this dead assed spineless weasel.

Bubblegum5586 · June 2014

When H and I first started dating it was in college and we had separate apartments with roommates. He spent a lot of time at my apartment as it was nicer (he lived with the hockey team!). He didn't have to clean or cook or anything because he was a guest in my apartment.

3 years later, almost a year after graduation (and having to each live at home with parents as we saved up) we moved in together. After a month in I realized I was doing all the work because that's how it was before. So we talked about it and I explained that we are now living together and are equally responsible for maintaining our home. We have now lived together for over 4 years (got married 9 months ago and closing on our first house next week) and we are true partners. I sometimes have to ask him for help as we have different expectations of what we consider clean lol. But he always helps when asked. He cooks when it's his turn. Helps with Laundry.... etc etc etc.

My point is it took me 1 month to realize the problem, talk about it and solve it. We have had a fantastic relationship since (of course we have our ups and down). As we head into home ownership with a lot more responsibility I am confident that my Husband will carry is own weight as he has the past 4 years.

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

rachelgarcia7 said:

Well, I believe some of these comments are quite harsh. However, I feel bad that you have led this man (?boy ?age) to believe for YEARS that this behavior is acceptable. Why did you begin doing all of these things in the first place? Did you offer? Want to be a good girlfriend? Show that you could be the perfect homemaker? Or, on the flip side did he force you into being his domestic slave? It seems from your post that you chose to do these things and in making said choice, allowed this future to unfold. If you really do love this man and he really does love you then you could come to a reasonable compromise. Maybe this is the first time that you've brought up the issue and he's completely floored. Maybe he thought you wished for traditional husband/ wife roleplay. Whatever the reason- marriage and a serious loving relationship is work and if something as simple as shared house chores is unable to be solved, put on the brakes. Also, there's nothing wrong with playing video games. Doesn't make him a douchbag just because he enjoys mind numbing entertainment. In fact, I guarantee that some if not most of you partake in horrid reality shows that otherwise resemble train wrecks (its freaking horrible, but you just can't look away). Its the balance of this behavior that is a problem. Good luck. If you care about him it is still makes this decision very difficult and if you choose to leave it's still going to hurt because on some level you probably do deeply care for one another. And remember, you can't make them, mold them, change them into what you want them to be. Love your partner for who he/ she is. Respect them for it, be their biggest cheerleader. Allow them to be vulnerable in their flaws and choose wisely if you want your marriage to last.

No this is not the first time she mentioned it. A few months ago they brought this up to their counselor / pastor and nothing has changed.

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

Disneygeek77 said:

rachelgarcia7 said:

Well, I believe some of these comments are quite harsh. However, I feel bad that you have led this man (?boy ?age) to believe for YEARS that this behavior is acceptable. Why did you begin doing all of these things in the first place? Did you offer? Want to be a good girlfriend? Show that you could be the perfect homemaker? Or, on the flip side did he force you into being his domestic slave? It seems from your post that you chose to do these things and in making said choice, allowed this future to unfold. If you really do love this man and he really does love you then you could come to a reasonable compromise. Maybe this is the first time that you've brought up the issue and he's completely floored. Maybe he thought you wished for traditional husband/ wife roleplay. Whatever the reason- marriage and a serious loving relationship is work and if something as simple as shared house chores is unable to be solved, put on the brakes. Also, there's nothing wrong with playing video games. Doesn't make him a douchbag just because he enjoys mind numbing entertainment. In fact, I guarantee that some if not most of you partake in horrid reality shows that otherwise resemble train wrecks (its freaking horrible, but you just can't look away). Its the balance of this behavior that is a problem. Good luck. If you care about him it is still makes this decision very difficult and if you choose to leave it's still going to hurt because on some level you probably do deeply care for one another. And remember, you can't make them, mold them, change them into what you want them to be. Love your partner for who he/ she is. Respect them for it, be their biggest cheerleader. Allow them to be vulnerable in their flaws and choose wisely if you want your marriage to last.

No this is not the first time she mentioned it. A few months ago they brought this up to their counselor / pastor and nothing has changed.

And that it fell on deaf ears means:

"I don't care. I will continue to let her do it all and who cares."

To the OP:

http://forums.thenest.com/discussion/12017185/slob-doesn-t-even-begin-to-describe-it#latest

Here is a Nestie whose H is a slob; been married a year and the problem is worsening.

As you can see, marriage does NOT cure a slob --- it also does not cure a lazy bum, or a characterless fool that cannot and will not have your back.

Trust us on this --- the whole Nest is full of FIs (and unfortunately Hs) whose premarital "problem" worsened after the I Dos were said.

We had a Nestie who had a problem with her FI's family. it was a cultural thing. They were Mexican, she was not.

Pre-wedding, they made life hell for her. Nasty, vulgar, excluded her from family functions, and her H would not have her back. His mother treated her horribly, if I remember correctly.

This too was a cultural thing --- Latins and Central/South American families are like this --- but it is still the principle of it: "when in ROME" is what the old addage is.... and I don't care what nationality or country of origin you are: you are to have your spouse's back, no questions asked. And you are one unit with your spouse and that is inarguable.

Anyways, we warned her not to marry him...

But she did anyway...

And after a year and half of marriage, she divorced him.

Here is the deal:

Say no to him right now and you can thank your Maker you dodged a bullet and how -- and I say he's got a funny way of showing us when it's time to walk away from something. God also helps those who helps himself.

But, if you choose to marry him: you and he will fight constantly about the fact he is lazy and plays too many video games. You will have a divide grow between the 2 of you that is wider than any ocean you can name --- you will resent the hell out of him and that resentment will spiral out of control into a monster that will eventually blow its top.

And if you don't fight with him about his horrible ways and lack of character, you'll keep all of this bottled up inside you --- and you can see that this is already pretty bad if you are worrying about how to bring this up without "offending him."

Bully to that.

It also shows me you and he do not communicate...and that's a whole other issue in itself that you needed to get counseling for months ago.

I don't know if you've been back; maybe you hve and just read through what we said or maybe you haven't. Let us know what you think and what progress you did or did not make. It's important.

tiffanysbride · June 2014

At the very least you need to postpone your wedding. It is far better to postpone or call off a wedding then it is to get a divorce. You are not yet legally tied to this person and a divorce will cost you more in the long run.

This is who your FI is, he is showing you what he values. You have allowed him to believe you are okay with the situation. It sounds like you are more worried about upsetting him then standing up for yourself. You aren't just cleaning everything, you are waiting on him hand and foot. When you have children I would assume he'll continue doing nothing and you'll be doing the parenting solo.

This isn't a person you can depend on for a lifetime or when things get hard. Life does not go according to plan, it gets messy. You need a person you can depend on and who will be there for you no matter what.

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

Be aware also that you have subjectively put yourself last throughout this entire relationship --- you are afraid of offending him if you bring up the topic regarding why come he willingly permits you to do it all, putting yourself last because you can't confront him about the video game issue and putting yourself last because you do it all for him.

How about you coming in first, for a change????

You do not have a healthy relationship and you do not have a healthy relationship dynamic and you have a codependency with him. This is not good, not any of it.

sillygoosegirl · June 2014

Maybe he chose you to spend his life with because for the last 4 years you've been a doormat and enabled him in his selfish behavior. Maybe he has no interest in becoming the husband you want him to be... in fact, 4 years of this behavior are a pretty strong indicator that he's not very interested in being anything other than the man you already know him to be.

Frankly, this is not something you can solve in the next 10 days, or however many days you have left at this point. You can't change him. Your pastor can't change him. His failure to address this on the eve of your wedding when it's been discussed for months at counseling is a pretty clear signal that he has no intention of changing himself. The question you should be asking is whether or not you want to live like this for the rest of your life, because that's what you are getting ready to sign up for.

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

sillygoosegirl said:

Maybe he chose you to spend his life with because for the last 4 years you've been a doormat and enabled him in his selfish behavior. Maybe he has no interest in becoming the husband you want him to be... in fact, 4 years of this behavior are a pretty strong indicator that he's not very interested in being anything other than the man you already know him to be.

Frankly, this is not something you can solve in the next 10 days, or however many days you have left at this point. You can't change him. Your pastor can't change him. His failure to address this on the eve of your wedding when it's been discussed for months at counseling is a pretty clear signal that he has no intention of changing himself. The question you should be asking is whether or not you want to live like this for the rest of your life, because that's what you are getting ready to sign up for.

You are also 21 years of age --- at age 17 you got the idea that it was fine to wait on him?

That in itself is NOT normal.

And it just isn't right.

I don't know exactly how you got the idea that you should be somebody's servant -- is this what you saw at home? Did you start doing things for him at first and then wind up doing it all? Was this a ploy to more or less "keep" the guy you have?

These are only my guesses.

What else you will get if you marry this jerk:

You will be stuck holding the entire bag --- let's take a walk into your future:

If there are kids, you'll be a single parent.

I guarantee you he will NOT lift a finger in any size shape or form.

You'll be the one up at 2 am for feedings, off to the doc and tending to the child alone when he gets ill, calming the kiddo down when he has a nightmare. You'll be the one single-handedly potty training the child -- and when the kid is in trouble in school, is giving you shit about doing homework, staying on task for anything you tell him to do or keeping his room clean or mouthing off to you, loafing in school, lying to you about something that happened either in school or at home, refereeing a fight or disagreement between him and a sibling or 2 or one of his friends ---- or when you're called to school for another parental conference because your kiddo isn't paying attention or is a discipline problem, YOU will be the one there, not you AND your H.

You will be the one going over every assignment, checking every single homework assignment, reviewing every report card, answering to anything and everything parental and child rearing: YOU, not that thing you married!

When your child needs a father figure and a fine example of how a man should be, it isn't going to be your husband that they get that image from.

It will be from nobody in your household.

If you have more than one kid --- let's say it is 3 --- multiply the above by a factor of 3.

Are you getting this yet???

When you have a marital crisis, he won't be there to help you throrugh it: you have a marital crisis now, more or less -- and where the eff is he???? Parked in front of a video game or standing down doing whatever it is he does stand down on!

If you cannot depend on him to pitch in with anything housecleaning, you cannot depend on him at all for anything! He's not going to be a shining star in any other department.

He needs to grow up.

You cannot get him to do this. I don't know if this is a "youth" thing he's got going on or if he is going to be a jerk his whole life; don't you take a chance finding out which it is.

Cancel the wedding and cancel HIM.

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

Here's another good one to ponder:

Suppose you have a kid or 2 and you've gotten the fantastic opportunity to return to school -- maybe to pursue a masters degree or to get some sort of additional training so that you can get yourself a pretty good promotion and raise at work.

Now... who will take care of business at home, in every way, when you return to school (even if it is during evenings) and have classes, exams, projects and other activities associated with your education?

Food for thought.

CPimentel90 · June 2014

I have read through everyone's post and I knew it too. I had the feeling it wasn't right. Wedding is postponed for now, and we decided to be separated for a while. He needs to grow up and I need to do whats right for me, even if it's not him. It's better to figure it out now than to go through with some "vows" and be miserable for the rest of my life. No time frame for a new date. Just taking some time out for myself.

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

CPimentel90 said:

I have read through everyone's post and I knew it too. I had the feeling it wasn't right. Wedding is postponed for now, and we decided to be separated for a while. He needs to grow up and I need to do whats right for me, even if it's not him. It's better to figure it out now than to go through with some "vows" and be miserable for the rest of my life. No time frame for a new date. Just taking some time out for myself.

So glad you returned.

You are a girl who is in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Wishing you the best of luck in your future. Keep in touch with us and let us know what happens. And always trust your gut; it never fails you.

Do consider therapy for yourself --- as I said, you put yourself last throughout this entire time you were with him, whether you are aware of it or not. I don't know if this was your upbringing --- maybe everybody in your house is polite and well mannered and doesn't complain --- that's nothing at all bad but wow, don't make it as such you are so nice that you let somebody take full advantage of you--- I don't know what it is that "caused" this but wow, it's not normal and it's not right: why in heck do you want to come in last while he got "everything" first?

That you stood up for yourself and your rights and your future by telling him the wedding -- and you and he --- are off is a very positive sign.

But you can't let yourself come in last in any relationship: not with friends, not with family, not with a work situation and most certainly not in a relationship with a significant other or partner.

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

Wow, you came back.

Kudos to you for choosing a better life for yourself.

Might I recommend this book.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Not-Marry-Wrong-Guy/dp/0307718751

mrsjohnson52514 · June 2014

Hi

I am sorry you had to go through this for 4 years. Glad that you are now making time for YOU. I pray things work in the direction of good for YOU. Do not be down. Look at this as a lesson in life you learned before it was too late. Marriage is sacred and going into it blinded never has a good outcome.

Wishing you the best.

doeydo · June 2014

I am so glad you postponed the wedding. He doesn't want a wife or a partner in life, he wants a servant.

Sisugal · June 2014

Love is not enough to make a marriage work -
He has shown who he is -- believe him!
Time to RUN in the other direction

.

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