how well do marriages with separate finances work?

GiMabN81 · June 2014

I've been married for almost 3 years now and we have always had joint accounts. I just always thought you get married you open joint accounts. My husband feels that I'm not managing the finances as well as I should and now wants us to have separate accounts in which we both pay a monthly set amount for the joint expenses. Does anyone have a similar scenario going on? He makes more than I do and I feel most of our debt is from his projects that are out of the country. I'd really appreciate getting an outsiders opinion. Thanks

GiMabN81 · June 2014

Thanks for your reply. he never checks the accounts himself, he always asks me what are the balances and I tell him and go over what was sent and when. I've told him setup your own login, download the apps to your phone and he hasn't. He has left it to me to pay all the bills and disperse the income on various loans and 2 CCs. He feels he earns well and that we are constantly paying down bills and not saving anything. He doesn't understand how much he actually spends a week is the actual problem. So he has decided to take over the finances and split everything. We don't have a budget written down of any type, I just watch my spending and when the paychecks come in I send out to the credit cards.

Xstatic3333 · June 2014

Though I think separate finances CAN work in some cases, I don't think they will work coming out of a situation where one person is blaming the other for something. I think you need to get on the same page-I'd recommend reading "Smart Couples Finish Rich" together and working through the questions. I'd also recommend tracking all of your expenses for a month, and then looking it over together while setting up a budget for the future.

A couple of questions: how bad are your debts? What are your H's out of the country projects? If it's a business thing, perhaps he should manage the business finances separately from your personal accounts.

I also get a vibe that he is blaming you/calling the shots in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. I'd really work towards getting together as a team to tackle this together. Good luck!

jessica490 · June 2014

Sign up for mint.com that way you can track your expenses over time and show him where the money is going.

hoffse · June 2014

Separate finances can absolutely work, but honestly that's not the issue here.

The issue is your husband is blaming you for his spending. You guys need to sit down and track it together.

Also... if he never bothers to look at it, how on earth does he think he's going to manage his accounts without your oversight?

vlagrl29 · June 2014

I wouldn't do it based soley on the fact that if one of you would to pass away, the other one wouldn't be able to get your money until the death certificate was available. I'm a firm believer in joint accounts. That said, we do have our own separate retirements and credit cards.

Mom987 · June 2014

I always just wonder about the day-to-day: if you buy a bunch of groceries, does he pay you back half? Same with other bills. If you go out to eat, do you determine who pays?

CuriousKiddosMama · June 2014

Yeah, I'm not a fan, and I don't think it's going to work in your situation. It sounds like your DH really wants nothing to do with the money aspect of the household- other than to blame you that the money hasn't lasted as long as he thinks it should. You really need to have an open, honest conversation about finances, and help him realize how his spending is impacting the household budget. I agree with Mom987- are you going to split groceries on the day to day bills- that's kind of ridiculous as a married couple in my opinion.
I also agree with Hoffse- if he can't be bothered to log onto a website to check balances of accounts- he's not going to when you have separate accounts, and then you are just going to have overdraft fees to deal with on top of everything else!
Side note- but something you may relate to- DH mentioned that I was spending too much on groceries a couple months ago, and I think I do really well with them. So I sent him to the grocery store with our list so he can see how much a gallon of milk is and the other essentials. He hasn't said anything since

J9lawrence · June 2014

I agree with PP that the solution is not separate accounts, it is getting on the same page. My husband and I have separate accounts at separate banks, it is what we have always done and it works for us. That being said, we are both 100% on the same page in terms of finances, budgeting and saving. We have regular conversations about our budgets and goals and view both accounts as our money, not his and mine. It took a while for us to get on the same page, it was a struggle for a while but it is worth it to have the tough conversation about finances. Your relationship will run much smoother. And neither one of you should play the blame game, everybody has their faults.

KatieCutie05 · June 2014

The solution is not separate. The problem is that he has no say. Make a budget together and give him an equal vote. Separating money will only cause problems not solve them. Clearly he wants a say or he wouldn't be asking for control of "his" money. Start looking at the money as joint ownership and make a plan and a budget. You need a plan for your money. Separating money in your case will just drive you apart.

mrsseguin · June 2014

I do think separate finances can work in a marriage in certain situations. DH and I dated for 8 years before getting married. We had separate finances up until 3 years into our marriage. We each had separate debt and CC, cell phones etc that we paid separately. We split our rent and car payment, groceries and other things we 'shared'. We had a joint account that all our bills came out of. It was fine and worked well for us. We really didn't have any desire to change it. DH suddenly lost his job and I had to pay all the bills for a while. That's when we combined everything. We still have separate bank accounts for each of our checks but it's not 'my money' or 'your money' anymore.

I would think your situation is a bit different. It seems to have the wrong attitude with it. I think you could sit down and work things out together and find a way of managing finances in a way where you both are happy. I am definitely more 'controlling' about money than DH is, so I have to remember to take a step back sometimes.

sillygoosegirl · June 2014

I think separate accounts can work if you communicate well about money... but since you already have what sounds like a communication problem around money, I don't see how it would really help the situation.

Here's a few things you should talk about as you prepare to go down this road:

- What expenses are joint and what expenses are separate? When you are sharing your life with someone, this is not a simple question to answer. Is gas for your car an individual expense because you individually drive your car, or is it a joint expense because how much gas costs depends on where you jointly decided to live and how far that is away all the places you need to go, like work and the grocery store? And that's just one example...

- How would you determine how much each of you is responsible for putting toward joint expenses? Will you split them 50/50? Will you each pay a percentage of your paycheck? Will you each contribute to the household expenses such that you have the same amount left over for individual things? How much joint savings will you keep in reserve for an emergency? If none, how will you handle an emergency if one spouse doesn't have the cash to cover their half? Who gets the tax refund, or has to pay the bill if you owe? If one person didn't have enough withheld for taxes during the year, does that play a part in determining the tax question?

- If one person has to move for work, or one person is laid off, how will you handle it?

- If you plan to have children, who will be responsible for their expenses? Who will be responsible for your medical bills? Will DH compensate you for the time you have to be off work for prenatal visits and maternity leave?

athlete010688 · June 2014

Mom987 said:

I always just wonder about the day-to-day: if you buy a bunch of groceries, does he pay you back half? Same with other bills. If you go out to eat, do you determine who pays?

I have always wondered this....

I don't understand separate accounts/finances for marriage

Wulfgar · June 2014

MW and I have separate accounts with a few joint accounts. We have clear communication about how we spend our money. Since I make more than MW and I have lower student loan payments I transfer more money to her and I cover most of our groceries and most of our savings.

The biggest reason that we haven't combined our accounts is that we are too lazy to change automatic pay and deposits. I would have to contact that VA to more one of my deposits and I really hate to deal with with the VA.

formerlyGDaisy09 · June 2014

My therapist actually suggested H an I try separate finances for a while, we haven't yet. but I see some of the same problems that others mentioned above; do you split the groceries down the middle? do your own shopping? who pays the mortgage and utilities?

I don't think your joint account is your problem here...you H needs to be more involved in the finances rather than directing you what to do/or relying on you to know balances. Mint.com is good. What about splitting some of the bills up so that your H has some responsibility? H and I each take care of our own SLs, I manage the credit cards and H takes care of utilities.

peanutsmom · July 2014

Hello! DH and I have always had our own accounts. -Mostly due to laziness on our part I guess. We just never felt a pressing need to combine. We communicate very well and both agree with the plan.

We don't split every bill down the middle but things end up being pretty even give or take. For example: He pays the mortgage and I pay the daycare bill. (Sadly, they are about the same $ wise) He pays for groceries most weeks, I pay the cable, etc. This situation just seemed organic to us, we talk when something comes up and feel confident with our mutual decisions. We have one exception: we created a joint account after getting married and this holds the bulk of our long term savings.

Xstatic3333 · July 2014

peanutsmom said:
Hello! DH and I have always had our own accounts. -Mostly due to laziness on our part I guess. We just never felt a pressing need to combine. We communicate very well and both agree with the plan.
We don't split every bill down the middle but things end up being pretty even give or take. For example: He pays the mortgage and I pay the daycare bill. (Sadly, they are about the same $ wise) He pays for groceries most weeks, I pay the cable, etc. This situation just seemed organic to us, we talk when something comes up and feel confident with our mutual decisions. We have one exception: we created a joint account after getting married and this holds the bulk of our long term savings.

This is sort of how we do it too. You describe it better than I ever have! H has mentioned that he feels the separate account holds him more accountable for his spending. We still consider all money ours, of course. It works well for us since we take home similar amounts after H gets his pension and our health plan taken out.

how well do marriages with separate finances work?

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