SIL's Lifestyle and my child

Gingersnapz9 · July 2014

Hi everyone, I'm new here. Decided to post this issue I've had for years because I've seen some really sound and honest advice here and could use it. My issue is with my SIL's "situation" since I don't know what else to call it. She is married (dysfunctionally) but lives in a house with another woman and her child. it's three adults plus child. She hasn't been intimate with her husband in many year, they do not sleep in the same bed. No one knows if the husband is having an affair with this other woman, SIL thinks not but of course she wouldn't otherwise what woman could put up with this. They also have a open door policy around their house, so it's often filled with people coming and going. Her situations is straight up strange, the first time I meet SIL it was at a restaurant I was so confused why there was another woman and a child there. I thought the woman and SILs husband were a couple instead. SIL likes to have holiday dinners at her place and it's weird, like having dinner in a dormitory because there's all these people you don't know. Which is not a problem as I can make friends but many of these people are just rude and people i wouldnt associate with (sorry but its the truth) one was outright rude to MIL who cooks for everyone. These people leave after eating, never having thanked MIL for cooking dinner and don't offer to clean up afterwards, but I digress. Now we are having a party and have invited all family members. We told SIL she can bring her hubby but not the other woman. This opened a conversation between SIL and my hubby about bring our new baby around in the future. We basically told her it was going to be limited contact because of her lifestyle. I need to mention that the people they hang out/associate with are not good influence for children. Some of them do drugs, some of them have been arrested and been in jail. To be honest, people I wouldn't associate with (I know very politically incorrect thing to say on the internet)I might sound like a snob but I live a straight (no drugs) lifestyle, I worked hard for my education and now work to support my family. Now that I am a mom I don't want to expose my child to this kind of environment. SIL is upset and says why can't people accept her situation. Can you all tell me if I'm in the wrong? Should I be more understanding of her situation? Am I suppose to support her and also invite this other woman? Why do I feel like she is asking everyone to accommodate for her inability to get a grip on her life?

VOR · July 2014

Is this about drugs or about who she lives with? Because what the real issue is plays a role in my answer..

If it's drugs (which you don't mention until almost the end of your post), then that's a true issue and yes - I would want to keep my child away from that. ANd this doesn't need to be an argument/a "stance". This just needs to be saying "no" to invitations to her house. Simple.

However, if the issue is her marriage/roommate situation - honestly, none of that is your business. Whether she sleeps w/ her DH or not has NO impact on your child. No, really, it doesn't.

YOU may know more than you need to, but really - for all you really know, this woman is a friend and a roommate. Now- you do have the right to say "she's not invited" to your house if you want. She isn't family, you don't really know her (I assume).

Yes - it does seem like an odd situation, but all the underlayers of the situation really has NO impact on you or your child. Your focus on that in your post just makes you sound really judgey.

TarponMonoxide · July 2014

Gingersnapz9 said:

Hi everyone, I'm new here. Decided to post this issue I've had for years because I've seen some really sound and honest advice here and could use it. My issue is with my SIL's "situation" since I don't know what else to call it.

She is married (dysfunctionally) but lives in a house with another woman and her child. it's three adults plus child. She hasn't been intimate with her husband in many year, they do not sleep in the same bed.

Your SIL is living with this woman? And it is your SIL the woman and the kid? Could be she might be having a relationship with the woman. Who knows?

No one knows if the husband is having an affair with this other woman, SIL thinks not but of course she wouldn't otherwise what woman could put up with this. They also have a open door policy around their house, so it's often filled with people coming and going. Her situations is straight up strange, the first time I meet SIL it was at a restaurant I was so confused why there was another woman and a child there. I thought the woman and SILs husband were a couple instead. SIL likes to have holiday dinners at her place and it's weird, like having dinner in a dormitory because there's all these people you don't know. Which is not a problem as I can make friends but many of these people are just rude and people i wouldnt associate with (sorry but its the truth) one was outright rude to MIL who cooks for everyone. These people leave after eating, never having thanked MIL for cooking dinner and don't offer to clean up afterwards, but I digress. Now we are having a party and have invited all family members. We told SIL she can bring her hubby but not the other woman. This opened a conversation between SIL and my hubby about bring our new baby around in the future. We basically told her it was going to be limited contact because of her lifestyle. I need to mention that the people they hang out/associate with are not good influence for children. Some of them do drugs, some of them have been arrested and been in jail. To be honest, people I wouldn't associate with (I know very politically incorrect thing to say on the internet)I might sound like a snob but I live a straight (no drugs) lifestyle, I worked hard for my education and now work to support my family. Now that I am a mom I don't want to expose my child to this kind of environment. SIL is upset and says why can't people accept her situation. Can you all tell me if I'm in the wrong? Should I be more understanding of her situation? Am I suppose to support her and also invite this other woman? Why do I feel like she is asking everyone to accommodate for her inability to get a grip on her life?

You lost me. You said your SIL and the woman and your nephew/niece are living together; looks like, like I said, it is possible that the SIL is romantically involved with that woman. It doesn't look like your BIL figures into this picture at all.

I don't know what to think --- you can telll your SIL to come but no guests. That would be my take on it. If she brings somebody, nothing you can do.

It is likely they won't stay long, anyway, if they do attend.

Maybride2 · July 2014

I don't understand why this needed to be a big deal and big announcement to your SIL. Are you and your husband on the same page? Then move forward and conveniently have other plans when SIL hosts a party. Be so sorry, but too busy to stop by this week to visit. That's it - you can avoid going over there without being dramatic about it. If you're hosting a party you get to control the guest list, of course; you can tell your SIL that the roommate isn't invited and cause drama and friction, if you really think it's worth it.

BlueBirdMB · July 2014

I'm pretty confused about your issue. You don't need to say anything to her. She's leading her life and it's none of your business. You and your husband have to figure out what kind of relationship you want to have with her.

You can call me judge-y, but I wouldn't go to someone's house with my child where there are random people floating in and out who do drugs and have been in and out of jail. If you and your husband agree that you don't want to go to her house, then you just won't. That's pretty much the gist of it.

ClaryPax · July 2014

I would not take my child to their house. You can invite whoever you want to your house. If you don't want the random woman over, then just say sorry she isn't invited. If the other people are offended then say, oh I don't really know her or its just for family etc. You can tell her you accept her situation, but it is your duty to keep your child out of the grown up situations in her house. If she is still upset then she needs to get over it. We don't even take our children to DH's aunt (with the blessing of his parents) because of her animal dander and chain smoking in the house, so yeah no way would I take my kids there.

Tofumonkey · July 2014

I think you are being overly judgmental and dramatic about it. You don't even have a child yet and are already planning your argument with SIL over it. As for the other stuff, just tell her no guests, sorry. Not a huge deal.

You've painted your SIL to be a dependent doormat that lives in a half-way house while you worked hard for your education and live a 'straight' life with a white picket fence.

Take away your undeserved judgment and your sister in law could very well be a wonderful person that has a roommate living with them for a variety of reasons that they have welcomed like family, invites in lonely people for the holiday and lives with the value of community. Perhaps your own belief in what the 'right way to live' is could be skewing your perception of hers.

Just because it is different that doesn't make it wrong.

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