Husband wants a baby ASAP....but idk

CountryCityWife · July 2014

Long story short I have to finish my internship this spring. I have worked too hard to through everything out the window. My husband has begged me for a baby the moment he put the wedding ring on my finger. He is older than me and is settled in his career. We have a wonderful home that we are currently remodeling and we are financial stable, even if I were to stay home with the baby for a few years. He has been begging me and begging me until the point were I have to hide in our office because I can't take it. It makes my upset. I would love to have a baby and I work with children of all ages, so I know how babies are. He doesn't get it. And I have seen my mother and my younger sister go through horrible pregnancies, and I don't want to have to through my internship away because I missed more than one day in sixteen weeks. Part of me is saying just do it so I make his decade, but the other part of me is saying I need to get this done. We were thinking about getting off the pill after our first anniversary (October) and just go from there. Well, he thinks we are going to have a baby nine months later. And with my luck, we are. If my whole family had perfect pregnancies I would have probably said "Heck ya, let's do this!" but when I was three months early, and my niece and nephew were early, it puts a little fear into you. I have no idea what to do, honestly. At times I feel selfish, but then I don't. Everyone has been nagging us up the wall because they don't see why we don't have a baby yet. But again, I want to focus on my child and not five other things. Am I being reasonable?

VOR · July 2014

Yes you are. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms to BACK OFF. Let you get through your internship. A marriage AND having a child is about BOTH of you. He needs to RESPECT you.

jtmh2012 · July 2014

Sounds like somebody failed to have a few important discussions before saying "I do".....

SmrBrd2012 · July 2014

Agree with VOR. The decision is BOTH of yours not just his and definitely not anybody else's. In an ideal world you would've had this discussion pre-marriage. Did you? If you want to at least wait until next spring, I don't see the big deal about waiting. It's less than a year away and gives you time to prepare. How old are you and how long have you been married?

Ilumine · July 2014

This is NOT all him. Not by a long shot.

Be honest here. Were you 100% open and honest about your personal goals, to include children while you were dating, let alone after you got engaged?

Because no one is gong to badger like this unless they are A) a bully/abuser or

someone who has been lead to believe that they were getting something and then had the old 'bait and switch' pulled on them.

EITHER WAY - YOU are partially responsible here.

You already TOLD HIM that you would plan on going off the pill on your first anniversary. YOU AGREED with this. So while he should stop badgering you about getting pregnant before that date...YOU have to realize that YOU created the timetable and will now have to deal with a TRUE compromise since YOU are making a change.

And while there is some validity in the professional side of things, why the hell didn't YOU bring those up to begin with, you know when you agreed to the 1 year mark? It is not fair to spring this on him after the fact.

As for the fear factor? Go to a doctor. Because any pregnancy can become an urgent/emergent pregnancy and labor. If there is a true medical reason, then you BOTH work with your doctors to deal with it.

A) the bully/abuser bit. I do think that he is being rude here. But again, what have you done to deal with it? Running into the bedroom and hiding is not the appropriate or grown up way to handle a problem with your husband.

Have you ever just said, "Honey, please stop badgering me about this."?

BlueBirdMB · July 2014

jtmh2012 said:

Sounds like somebody failed to have a few important discussions before saying "I do".....

Exactly. You both sound immature- did you not talk about these things before getting married? Here are 2 main deal breakers: Religion and babies. I'm not saying you have to be the same religion, but you have to be on the same page about your needs and beliefs. Babies- same thing. Thus, you should have come to agreements on these issues before saying "I do".

CountryCityWife · July 2014

Wow....alrighty then. We DID TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE MARRIAGE. We have been living together for years before we were married and we have agreed on everything before we said "I Do" . There was a sudden death in his family and it has given him a "reality check" on life. Before he was all about waiting and just going with the flow. Plus, I was suppose to be finished with school a while ago but with state laws/requirements and the change in school curriculum I was forced to stay in longer. We have had lengthy pre-marriage counseling and we are the same page about everything, until the sudden death in the family and then he started feel like life is too short. We have our lives together compared to most married couples. Plus he had a near death experience with his work as well. And I didn't mean come across like I "hide" from him. I'm sure all of you needed your space for a moment to get your thoughts together so you could speak calmly and compose your thoughts clearly.

Ilumine · July 2014

CountryCityWife said:

Wow....alrighty then. We DID TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE MARRIAGE. We have been living together for years before we were married and we have agreed on everything before we said "I Do" . There was a sudden death in his family and it has given him a "reality check" on life. Before he was all about waiting and just going with the flow. Plus, I was suppose to be finished with school a while ago but with state laws/requirements and the change in school curriculum I was forced to stay in longer. We have had lengthy pre-marriage counseling and we are the same page about everything, until the sudden death in the family and then he started feel like life is too short. We have our lives together compared to most married couples. Plus he had a near death experience with his work as well. And I didn't mean come across like I "hide" from him. I'm sure all of you needed your space for a moment to get your thoughts together so you could speak calmly and compose your thoughts clearly.

Not trying to be argumentative, but THIS information changes the entire context of your post.

YOU made him sound like a bully who pulled this "want baby now" crap out of his ass. We can only reply to what the poster writes.

You say that you compose yourself, so what do you say to him about your timetable and what does he say in return.

TarponMonoxide · July 2014

CountryCityWife said:

Long story short I have to finish my internship this spring. I have worked too hard to through everything out the window. My husband has begged me for a baby the moment he put the wedding ring on my finger.

He is older than me and is settled in his career. We have a wonderful home that we are currently remodeling and we are financial stable, even if I were to stay home with the baby for a few years. He has been begging me and begging me until the point were I have to hide in our office because I can't take it.

Begging you? Really?

Not only is that undignified, it's also a bit childish.

He is also badgering you and putting you on the spot -- and if he keeps this up, you are going to start to resent the hell out of him. He needs to stop that immediately.

What you need to do:

Sit down with him and talk to him --- and outline what your expectations are. Note your finances, where the both of you are right now in life ( you have an internship to finish and you need to finish it and he is settled in his career) -and include the fact that you simply just are not ready yet at all.

It makes my upset. I would love to have a baby and I work with children of all ages, so I know how babies are. He doesn't get it.

You mean he's got no kid experience or he doesn't like babies per se?

And I have seen my mother and my younger sister go through horrible pregnancies, and I don't want to have to through my internship away because I missed more than one day in sixteen weeks. Part of me is saying just do it so I make his decade, but the other part of me is saying I need to get this done. We were thinking about getting off the pill after our first anniversary (October) and just go from there.

You guys just got married. WOW --- give it at least 3 years, considering you are a student.

Your marriage needs legs and stability --- you also need to get used to each other!

Well, he thinks we are going to have a baby nine months later. And with my luck, we are.

Not necessarily.

it is not all that easy to conceive --- for some women, anyway -- after discontinuing the pill.

And let's suppose there is a factor thrown in that disallows you both from having children naturally --- did he ever consider that?

This guy better find the script --- sounds like he's lost it.:(

If my whole family had perfect pregnancies I would have probably said "Heck ya, let's do this!" but when I was three months early, and my niece and nephew were early, it puts a little fear into you. I have no idea what to do, honestly. At times I feel selfish, but then I don't. Everyone has been nagging us up the wall because they don't see why we don't have a baby yet. But again, I want to focus on my child and not five other things. Am I being reasonable?

Look:

DO NOT LISTEN to "everybody"!!! Everybody isn't YOU! You have school to finish and you are still a newlywed -- as I said, you and he have to be in a marriage that has legs before you can even start to conceive a child.

As I said: that would be about 3 years for you and him, considering all the factors.

In the meanwhile, let him go volunteer where there are kids; I am sure he can help coach or mentor or be a free tutor or do something! He'll get his kid fix from that.

Talk to him.

And a long one, with everything that I cited. He's got to be a team with you in this --- if you are not ready, he should accept that with no argument. GL.

Maybride2 · July 2014

Your husband sounds like a jerk, and frankly someone who I would be very leery about having children with - ever. Badgering you? Begging you? Like a child who desperately wants a puppy? Unacceptable.

You need to finish school. If you don't want to be pregnant while doing your internship, that is YOUR right to not be. Furthermore, if you are not currently working in your desired field, I will tell you that trying to establish your career is going to be much, much harder with a newborn/infant. And waiting a long time after college graduation to start on your career is going to hurt you and (in lots of fields) make it harder to get a job as well.

You and your husband need to sit down and have a serious discussion about this. That's fine and understandable that your husband has been thinking about his mortality and desiring a family. But this is not a good time for you. It's not the timeline that you both originally agreed on. The consequences to starting now are more and harder on you than on him. He needs to respect that and back off immediately. On the other side, he needs to know where you are coming from - are you still going on the 3 year timeline you originally decided on? What all do you need/want to do before starting a family? Are there any compromises to be made?

Make a list of things that you as individuals and as a couple need/want to accomplish before having a child. Finish school, find a job, finish the home remodel, take one nice adult vacation, etc. Maybe having something visual that your husband can check things off as they happen will cool his jets and reassure him that he'll have a family someday.

My husband was ready to start a family before I was. But he respected the timeline that we had agreed on, and was even ok with that timeline being pushed back a year for me to go to and finish grad school. Because we're a team. And he's not a belligerent child.

Husband wants a baby ASAP....but idk

Re: Husband wants a baby ASAP....but idk

Choose Another Board

Search Boards