Family Matters
Shugar4J
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Mom ran away
My mother is 64. She has 5 grown children and close relationships with 3 of us. My sister, me and my youngest brother. She and my dad were divorced but remarried one another. During their divorce, my mom remarried another man and divorced him. She has lived, briefly with all of her children. I have five children myself and my mother is close to them. She attended dinners with my husband and children, family vacations, church, etc. Although my parents remarried each other, the marriage was stale and they slept in separate bedrooms. A few months ago, my mother tells me a man called her on the house phone by mistake (wrong number). Somehow, the man and my mom struck up a conversation. My mother later tells me the man is blind and lives in another state. She casually mentions he offered her 'employment' by taking care of him since he is blind. I told her I didn't think that at 64, and having had several strokes, that taking care of another person (he's 66) with a disability was such a good idea. Not to mention, he's a stranger. A month or so goes by and my mother tells me she is, in fact, going to move in with this man. First she says just to 'help him' and then she says she is lonely and wants companionship. I look up public court records and find that this man has a battery charge from the 1990's filed by his ex(?) wife. I inform my mother who defends this man (everyone makes mistakes, he's changed, blah blah blah) and tell her she needs to share her idea with another sibling. I didn't think it was fair to just tell me her plans. She chose my sister. All three of us discussed her moving in with this man and my mother decided that it was not a good idea. Three days later, my brother calls me to say that there is a moving truck, strange men coming in and out of my parents house and another car behind the moving truck with a man in it. My mother was moving out!! I was at work and could not leave. I tried calling my mother but she didn't answer. Later, she calls me and says that she is "Free". She has not felt this good in years. I discover she is moving 7 hours away. The cell phone that she uses and I pay for, does not get reception in this new location. She tells me that the man is very well off, he bought her a diamond ring, he has furniture from Paris, lets her drive a jag and she is in 'heaven'. I ask her what about her grandchildren (she has 13 all together) and she brushes it off and said 'they will be fine'. She actually expected me to bring my family down to this man's house. I asked her if she planned on spending holidays with us and her response was "He (stranger) doesn't really do holidays and she doesn't either"! But if we want to do something we could visit her. The most disturbing part is, she was close with my family. We saw her at least once or twice a week. We all just spent Father's Day together and she recently went to visit my sister with my dad. It's not like she was estranged. And, how do I explain to my kids that grandma is shacking up with a stranger? She has cut us all off, rarely calls but again, she's in 'heaven'. I need to let go but it's so hard.
Re: Mom ran away
Hmmm... yes, I'd be worried too. however, your mom is an adult and she's free to make these choices. A part of me wants to say maybe you need to give this guy a chance. You keep saying "stranger", which he will remain if you never make an effort and just write your mom off as having "run away".
Of course, I wouldn't be making the effort to drive 7 hours to meet this guy! So... there's that.
Is there reason to be concerned about her mental state? Depression, or.. something else.. which may be playing a role in this?
As far as your kids go- they don't know what you don't tell them. Just tell them that she's moved to go help a friend. Leave it at that. Don't confuse them, don't draw them into this.
Oh boy. I was holding out a TINY BIT of hope but it sounds like he's controlling too. But he's giving her attention that she probably really wants.
I hope he really IS rich, though, and isn't in this for HER money. But still.
Look, YOU were happy with how her life was going, but she was clearly not. Why should she live her life the way that you want her to? For what? The benefit of you, her adult children and her grandchildren? She's 64 years old - let her go live however the heck she wants to.
How do you explain it to your kids? Why is that her problem? And why would it have to be dramatic? Grandma moved in with her new boyfriend, it happens. She's really happy! Let's all be happy for Grandma.
Stop paying for her phone, why is that even a big deal? Like she can't move out of state - you're paying for her phone! It sucks, but it's a weird thing to be hung up about I think.
If your siblings are as judgmental and controlling as you are coming across to be (and I don't think it is intentional at all, I really do think that your heart is aiming to be in the right place) I can absolutely see why A: the moved so far away and B: a moving truck showed up and surprised everybody.
She doesn't need your permission, maybe she just needs you to be happy for her.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
And how do you know it's not your mother asking him to interrupt you to give her an 'out'?
It also sucks that you won't go see her because of the gross inconvenience to you to drive in a car for 7 hours with children. Just because YOU don't want to travel that doesn't mean it's not okay for other people to move.
I really think that you are just hurt over this and you are pulling at weird things to be upset about. Expecting you to drive to see her. Something about a phone bill. Him interrupting her over the phone, her asking your 17 year old (17 year old) to text something.
Your mom is having the time of her life. She's 'free' and 'in heaven'. Why can't you just be happy for her? How does this actually affect you?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
She casually mentions he offered her 'employment' by taking care of him since he is blind
Unless he has multiple problems, he needs to get a legitimate caretaker. And there are plenty of blind people who life a full life.
This guy is a con artist, if you ask me. So far that is my take on it.
You should have stopped the enablement years ago -- why did you pay for her cell phone????
Doesn't she work? ANd even so, she can get a cheap burner phone where it's pay as you go.
My big burning question:
Why would such a wealthy man who has such fantastic digs and a fancy car want your little ole mother?
Something is very fishy here. Who knows what this man is into?
If you are that concerned, you could get a PI and have him followed and investigated.
The bigger announcement here:
You won't be able to "get your mother back."
You sound a bit needy yourself; what do you mean "Mom Ran Away"??? Nobody "runs away"! What did you have her, captive in a cell or something?
She's there under her own will her own speed and own recognicanze. Nothing you can do.
If he is so rich, why hasn't he got a couple of servants to aid him because of his disability? Why hasn't he got hot and cold running ladyfriends, if he is so well off...your mother is the lucky lady?
FIshy as hell. This is a con artist and con man and who knows what he is into? Could be drugs or anything else -- how did he amass this fantastic amount of wealth? He should also have no lack of lady companions....yet somehow your mother won the grand prize in this one!
I would be very careful if I were you; if she somehow has access to your finances, change that in a hurry. None of this sounds good. I'd spring for the PI and have him investigated. GL.
The bottom line is, that I am hurt. I get that she didn't want to be in the marriage any longer and I'm fine with that. I've driven all over the country with my kids so yeah, I am not just ready to jump into this new adventure with her at the time. I can easily 'get over it' and she should be happy. Everyone has that right. I don't think she is telling him to get her off of the phone because she is disappointed when I have to get off. She wants us to get to know this man and insist he and my husband will get along. The story is a lot deeper. My mother puts herself into crazy situations; when she lived with my sister she got mad about something and went to stay in a homeless shelter although there were plenty of places to go. Yes it scares me that she is 7 hours away and in a remote location with a man that no one has met. His own children asked my mother why would she up and leave her family for 'employment' at her age. I asked her what would she do if something happens to him, she thinks he'll leave her everything. You know what, maybe he will or maybe he won't. I understand her desire to be happy and even my father wishes that for her. I guess at some point, I will feel okay and truly believe that she is safe and happy.
Its not like you all would of held her down and committed her to a ward!!! Come on, you were against it alright but that doesn't mean she needed to leave like she did. BUT SHE did leave that way and what are you going to do about it – disown her?! Doubt it…you tell her you not happy about how she left and keep it moving. But AGAIN, you all didn’t abuse or control her – you all, as good family should, told her how you felt about the move. I mean if she was honest with you and told you how they REALLY met MAYBE u could of understood better. But she told you they met over the phone re a wrong number!!! Anyone who loves her would worry that she isn’t making a good choice…. I mean, she could of pulled a mayflower and left each of her kids a nice letter explaining what / why she was doing with a address of where she going. Even though she is 64 she is still responsible for her actions. Not that she needs to live FOR you guys, but she shouldn’t live AGAINST you either….. you all love her and want the best for her. If she is a grown woman who can do what she wants, she is grown enough to of written you all a nice letter and maybe even the kids a nice letter….why is it YOUR responsibility to explain what grandma did and why she moved…. For the little kids, they don’t need to know…but the three older kids, they could of used a little letter to or even a GROUP family letter ‘ HEY guys, im sorry I am leaving this way and I hope you can forgive me. This is something I want and long to do and I don’t want you to talk me out of it…I love you ALL so much and don’t worry, even though im physically farther away, we will nor ever could lose our bonds. I will kit often and I look fwd to talking with you all soon, love you, Mom”. So I'm sorry_, there IS A way to respectuly and as a grown woman the MATRIARC (SPELLING!!??) OF your large family, she should NEVER of left the way she did.
A phone call out of nowhere lead to this. Fishy.
You don't even know for certain whether this guy is fantastically rich...or if she is the one supporting him.
You don't have an address or the guy's name? Yeah...if that's his real name, that is, you might make some headway. She needs to be calling you from a landline in his home, not her cell phone. And you need to have her address. This is as a matter of course. Suppose you needed her in a true emergency? I would not count on her cell phone to reach her. She could be anywhere!
What a mess. I would be worried about her well being. What she says is happening and what is actually transpiring are 2 different things.
The real key to this: if you have his address.
I'd go as far as going down there, just to inspect what the house looks like --- you can even find it on Streetview in Google.
And maybe it's just me....but I can't figure out why a vision impaired individual would own a Jaguar. Unless he's got a chauffeur or some other household help who would do the driving duties...but if this is him and only him....I smell a rat, based on the car claim.