October 2012 Weddings
LDubHawksFan
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Heartbroken. Apparently it wasn't meant to be
Well I needed some time to process this and have honestly been a mess for the last 3 days.
We had our first appointment at 9 weeks on Friday afternoon. I was nervous but so excited. I had already thought about how we were going to tell our families the next day. When I got into the U/S room, the tech was explaining how at 9 weeks we should see a little teddy graham, but when she started the U/S, she was quiet. I didn't see any flickers and just a sac. I knew it was wrong and bad and turned to my husband and started crying during the exam. She said she would have the dr come talk to us, and I knew it was to break it to us. My dr was horrible and basically just said, "well it didn't work out. There are three options for you." (One clear thing I know is I'm dumping this bitch of a dr asap). I was so numb and crying that it was so hard to even gather questions. I had all my questions about pregnancy, but I didn't have any prepared for if it went the other way. She eventually told us that the all they could see was a gestational sac that measured 7w6d, but no fetal pole. It wasn't until I got home, that I confirmed with google that I had a blighted ovum. No chance from early on. At first this was reassuring to me, because I would have questioned my ovulation date, even though I was 99% sure of it, with it being a week off, and having false hope. But then as my grieving has progressed, it makes me feel so much worse. Why didn't my body realize that there wasn't an actual baby?! All this time I was envisioning a little raspberry sized fetus inside of me, but there was nothing. My body made me feel pregnant but I wasn't. I feel like the last 5 weeks have been such a farce. I came home and just cried in the empty room that would have been the nursery.
Ultimately I chose to do the medicine intervention (misoprostol) because I didn't want to feel in limbo for the whole weekend before a D&C, and I've had complications with anesthesia, so that worried me too. I started it before bed on Friday night, though I didn't actually sleep. The cramps were terrible but I just kept crying thinking of how different the conversations with family would be the next day. Instead of telling them about our favorite souvenir from our trip, we were now telling them about how we had nothing.
Overall, it has been horrible. My husband has been great and is mourning too, though much faster than I. I don't know when I'm going to feel ok again. After a year of trying, I thought we got our miracle, and now I just feel empty. I feel cheated and piled on; why would we have both trouble conceiving and now miscarriage. What did I do to deserve that?! And I feel so much further back than before. Now we have to wait for my body to become normal again and wait 2 months. But I can't help but think that it's going to take us another year to even get pregnant again. And I know the fear will creep in then too. It's hard to see any light.
We had our first appointment at 9 weeks on Friday afternoon. I was nervous but so excited. I had already thought about how we were going to tell our families the next day. When I got into the U/S room, the tech was explaining how at 9 weeks we should see a little teddy graham, but when she started the U/S, she was quiet. I didn't see any flickers and just a sac. I knew it was wrong and bad and turned to my husband and started crying during the exam. She said she would have the dr come talk to us, and I knew it was to break it to us. My dr was horrible and basically just said, "well it didn't work out. There are three options for you." (One clear thing I know is I'm dumping this bitch of a dr asap). I was so numb and crying that it was so hard to even gather questions. I had all my questions about pregnancy, but I didn't have any prepared for if it went the other way. She eventually told us that the all they could see was a gestational sac that measured 7w6d, but no fetal pole. It wasn't until I got home, that I confirmed with google that I had a blighted ovum. No chance from early on. At first this was reassuring to me, because I would have questioned my ovulation date, even though I was 99% sure of it, with it being a week off, and having false hope. But then as my grieving has progressed, it makes me feel so much worse. Why didn't my body realize that there wasn't an actual baby?! All this time I was envisioning a little raspberry sized fetus inside of me, but there was nothing. My body made me feel pregnant but I wasn't. I feel like the last 5 weeks have been such a farce. I came home and just cried in the empty room that would have been the nursery.
Ultimately I chose to do the medicine intervention (misoprostol) because I didn't want to feel in limbo for the whole weekend before a D&C, and I've had complications with anesthesia, so that worried me too. I started it before bed on Friday night, though I didn't actually sleep. The cramps were terrible but I just kept crying thinking of how different the conversations with family would be the next day. Instead of telling them about our favorite souvenir from our trip, we were now telling them about how we had nothing.
Overall, it has been horrible. My husband has been great and is mourning too, though much faster than I. I don't know when I'm going to feel ok again. After a year of trying, I thought we got our miracle, and now I just feel empty. I feel cheated and piled on; why would we have both trouble conceiving and now miscarriage. What did I do to deserve that?! And I feel so much further back than before. Now we have to wait for my body to become normal again and wait 2 months. But I can't help but think that it's going to take us another year to even get pregnant again. And I know the fear will creep in then too. It's hard to see any light.
Re: Heartbroken. Apparently it wasn't meant to be
My doctor also advised me to wait 2 cycles and honestly, I wasn't even ready to try in the first cycle, even if we were allowed. On the plus side, I got my first period 28 days after my procedure.
I hope you physically heal quickly and know that we are all here to listen to you and support you. Feel free to PM me if you want, since I went through what you are going through.
It doesn't get easier. I still get a lump in my throat when I tell people about my miscarriage.
I'm irrationally mad because if we hadn't gotten pregnant that cycle, we would have been into testing now and hopefully that would have helped with a successful pregnancy soon, but now we are months away from even starting over. And I don't know when we think about getting help. Yes, I got pregnant in my own, but I feel like it was just barely.
@pockysquirrel, thanks. I hate that IF and loss aren't talked about either. I didn't pour my heart out for awareness, but it was therapeutic in a sense for me. I don't have any if my close girlfriends or family out where I live, so I feel kind if alone. Being able to at least type out my feelings has helped me process them. But I promise I won't keep boring you ladies!
Thank you all again and I appreciate the thoughts and prayers.