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Frekl · June 2014

Out of respect, this post has been edited.

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

Frekl said:

Recently my mum separated from her second husband of 20 years. She found out that he was cheating on her to the point of him allegedly sleeping with another woman. Her first husband, my father, did the same and they separated when I was 8.

She should have gotten counseling after her first marriage broke up: so she would not fall into a pattern and attract the same kind of rat...and as you can see, she sure did attract the same kind of rat. Too bad.

My mum has now immigrated from SA to work as a consultant in the UK for a few years and then plans on retiring however, when I approached her about a plan, essentially there is no plan - she literally arrived on my doorstep and I took her in.

There was no need for you to do this.

If your mother was in bad financial straits or she was in some sort of danger (let's say her soon to be H was stalking her or acting crazy) then yeah, have her move in...but only very temporarily until she is able to get back into the swing on her own 2 feet and find a place of her own.

You should have said no to her the second she had intentions of moving in.

And if she got pissy or mad or had a shit fit, so be it. YOUR place YOUR rules and if you say no it is NO. Period,

Before she left SA however, I did query as to what would happen if she fell ill or work dried up but I was assured that this would not happen and that she would not be a burden to me (she is able to stay in the country on an ancestral visa however, she is not able to claim benefits, which is fair enough).

Work won't dry up?

Bahaha. And I say that sarcastically. There IS no guarantee.

And even if she had an ironclad contract that guarnateed her money up the wazoo, no is still NO for staying with you.

On arrival, she stayed with me for just over a month, wearing out a path between my sofa, the kitchen and the bathroom. She is almost 70 and has Type 1 diabetes and is overweight living on a diet of mostly carbohydrates.

This is where you cannot help her.

You can keep your fridge and house free of junk food and things that are not good for you but your mother would only hit a convenience store and buy something that isn't good for her to eat.

I have to admit, I am embarrassed by her appearance although I do try not to be and don't show it in front of her and do love her very much. After a month, she worked for two months away in the South West and then returned again and it's been over a month again that she is back on my sofa.

This is a YOU problem.

Because you cannot say no to your mother. "Sorry, Mom, but I simply cannot accommodate you at this moment. Good luck finding an apartment" is what you needed to say and then stick to your guns.

And too bad for Mom. She would have no choice but to find a place of her own, rather than freeload off you.

To put things into context, I am almost mid 40s, male, live in a one bedroom flat and now have my late 60s mum living on my sofa - how healthy is that for man? I'm scarred for life anyway with the way both my parents carried on.

Tomorrow, without fail:

Give her the "Apartments for Rent" section of the newspaper and tell her she has 4 weeks to find a place of her own.

If she isn't gone by the time her 4 weeks are up, lock her stuff out in the hall and lock her out, too. I'm serious...do it.

Because if you don't you will have her there forever.

My biggest fears have come true. Now, my mum has been diagnosed with melanoma. The shock has spun her out and she has literally crashed out on my sofa for 4 days, just sleeping along with complaints about ribs hurting and all kinds of other ailments including osteo in one knee.

Has she saught a second opinion? (Besides the first opinion: she's a living human martyr, that is)

She needs to do that immediately. Without fail. Doctors are not God.

We have an appointment in 2 weeks for further investigation for the melanoma and also she has a new 2 week consultancy job at the end of the month but nothing lined up for thereafter.

She can STILL live in her own apartment.

Frankly, I am at my wits end as I really can't live with someone in close quarters, let alone my ageing mum. Some might call me selfish but what 68 year old person separates from their husband to move to a country on the other side of the globe to live on their adult son's sofa for the rest of their days.

God helps those who helps themselves.

You needed to say no to her the first time she showed up at your place.

Or better still: She needed NEVER to bother you and inconvenience YOU.

Guy: Get yourself to a therapist to learn how to say no to your mother. You badly need it; she will be your burden for good and you will be her doormat indefinitely if you don't learn how to say no to her without guilt.

Get to a therapist tomorrow without fail.

I too have a life and I feel that it is selfish and unhealthy of the parent crashing my pad. That is the essence of it apart from the eating noises, toilet noises, snoring, burping etc etc, and that's not even me.

This is why you needed to say NO TO HER.

She now just sits on the sofa staring out the window as if waiting for something to happen - it drives me insane. We can't walk anywhere as she cannot go 50 yards and then out of breath, she cannot contribute to discussion as she is not very knowledgeable about anything or has not alluded to any interests - I've tried, believe me.

In the last 10 years all she ever did was ask for financial support as her husband could not afford to finance her spending so she is not in a position to go or do anything on her own.

You do not have a mother son healthy relationship.

You have a codependency.

This is another good reason to get yourself to a therapist. End the enablement and end the codependency.

A new thing is a passive complaint in breathing oddly, exertion noises swallowing loudly as if something is stuck in her throat - all this tells me that she is craving attention. Am I wrong?

No. This means she is a pig and has no manners!!!

And she only gets attention if you give it to her, dude. Give her none at all.

I remarked, and probably not a great way to go about things, that when she was diagnosed with melanoma (she didn't even know the extent of it yet but only a diagnosis of a sample taken), she was immediately on the blower to everyone telling them about it.

SECOND OPINION is what she needs and stat. She may not even have skin cancer at all!

A friend of hers was diagnosed with cancer recently and has had successful chemo but I commented that she almost wears it as a badge when she doesn't even know how the extent of it yet. Yes, I know, bad son. But you do say some strange things in anger. We're ok now but she doesn't say much, just sits on my sofa.

Do I need to speak to a doctor and get us both into counselling, who do you turn to for advice in this situation? I've tried to get her to join online forums for her marriage but she won't - I really do care and want to help and am really trying not to be an idiot about this.

YOu are an idiot about this because you permitted her to use you.

Counseling for you; who cares what SHE does at this point.

She can only help herself as far as her diabetes and marriage and alleged cancer goes. You cannot make her get help for herself.

Your first quest:

Getting her ass out of your apartment.

Speak to your superintendent and building owner on your own and tell her or him you do not wish to have your mother sharing quarters with her. Perhaps the owner can even tell her to hit the road; very much doubt if she will say no to a building owner.

Get her out of there and get yourself to a counselor.

And it is entirely possible you may need to cut ties with her for good. I am not calling her a liar, but who knows about the cancer? She's acting rather peculiarly; she should be beside herself with terror and anger about her cancer!

She also needs to be getting a second opinion from an oncologist along with an opinion from at least 2 plastic surgeons.

Get her out of there before you wind up in the bug house. SAY NO TO DOPE, as they say.

That your mother has the audacity to take advantage of you as a guest in YOUR home is plain ole bad manners, rude, tacky, bad news --- you name it: it's just not right and not fair to you. Take back your apartment and take back your sanity: tell her today that it's adios.

Not to mention that I am sure this is just plain bad and uncomfortable when you have friends over or company. Explain this to the person you're dating. Man.:(

For you this is like what, college? Yeah, you have to request that she leave the "room" when your company happens over.

For your sanity and privacy and because she's overstayed her welcome, tell her to leave. Maybe she will do you a favor if she tosses a fit and cuts you off!

I can identify; I have a sibling who I wound up suing. Very long story; let's just say I finally came to my senses as far as his financial antics went. Sure, he is mad...but who gives a rat's ass. It's every man for him or herself. And all is fair in love and war.

And if she can't walk very far without being out of breath, she needs to see a cardiologist or a pulmonary physician --- she might have some kind of pulmonary or cardiac issue or then again, she may be overweight to such an extent that she simply cannot walk far at all without lots of exertion.

GL Let us know how you make out.

MommyLiberty5013 · June 2014

Your mom's poor choices in her past and your decision to let her move in (also a past, however recent decision) are now moot points. There is no point in hashing them out.

I think for everyone's health involved you should look into and consider transferring her to a semi-private assisted living community. I take it you are in the UK and I don't know how things operate there. But at least her in the States, older people who need help with medications and need meals prepared in a community dining room, and who also need occasional looking in on, move into assisted living. It's not a nursing home with tiny rooms for 2 people sharing. Assisted living here in the States is small apartments inside a building and the building is full of common areas and a dining room. A medical staff is also available if needed.

Selling your mom on this idea will be the tough part, but she cannot live in your home for all the reasons you already mentioned.

Tofumonkey · June 2014

How long has she been here on an ancestral visa and is she up for ILR any time soon?

Mommyliberty - she is on a temporary visa so right now has absolutely no access to benefits such as assisted living or care. She has access to the national health service (which would include mental health) but not to the point of them subsidizing her in any way.

Could you suggest that she get her own place? Could she flat-share with another group of roomies of a similar age bracket (does gumtree even HAVE a search option for that?)

I'm surprised that she is still getting contracts at her age here, and that she was able to show the maintenance necessary to come over here in the first place - let alone if she can actually afford the ILR when it is due. What are her options if she were to return to South Africa? What about a third country option for retirement?

I get that you are frustrated, and rightly so. She's your mom and you can hardly toss her out on the street. You do need to work something out though, as this arrangement can't last.

TarponMonoxide · June 2014

If he said no in the first place all of this could have been avoided.

OP: I hope you find an amicable solution to all of this. Families, especially parents, can sure be odd, particularly if the parent is a pious type to begin with. GL.

Frekl · July 2014

Thank you for your replies. This thread is closed - she passed away recently and I naturally had no idea what the circumstances were until very late. Wishing you all the best, love and light.

Ilumine · July 2014

I ma very sorry for your loss.

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