Nuts or Not? MIL issues.

cftaylor2013 · July 2014

Recently on a week-long vacation, my DH expressed a desire to ask his mother to come to our house and "open it up" believing it would make it more comfortable to come home to. I can literally feel the judgment from this woman every time I am around here - or maybe I'm super sensitive. . . I expressed the opinion that I did not want her traipsing through our house. Also, I expressed my opinion that "opening up the house" would make very little difference. He still asked her to do it! She called him while she was walking around our house b/c she forgot the door code. I heard him respond to her observation that our living rug had left a fade mark on the hardwood floor. WTF!

I was livid that he completely disregarded my wishes, but I haven't talked to him about it yet. I know, I know. . .

Then during the same trip, the fridge in our camper stopped working. DH asked me if the temp in the cooler was safe to drink the milk. I responded that I thought it best that we just replace the milk. Then I overheard him on the phone asking his mother if it was okay to consume, um, after I already said it wasn't!

Nuts or not? And any ideas how to address this issue without coming across like a lunatic who despises his mother - which is actually kind of true.

Other than the obvious, which is, "honey, it really ticked me off that you asked your mother to traipse through our home after I said I was uncomfortable with it. And it also ticked me off that you asked her about the milk even after I expressed my opinion. Please cut the apron strings."

This has been a prevalent issue. Their immediate family has traditionally been extremely close. She has always been the only woman in the family, so she is accustomed to being the matriarch without question. The woman has been known to refer to herself as the "queen." I am also a very strong personality, and I insist on being the matriarch of our unit. Anyone else dealt or dealing with this kind of mother-in-law. Is there any other kind of solution other than constantly stating my feelings and being more insistent that my wishes are heeded?

TarponMonoxide · July 2014

cftaylor2013 said:

Recently on a week-long vacation, my DH expressed a desire to ask his mother to come to our house and "open it up" believing it would make it more comfortable to come home to. I can literally feel the judgment from this woman every time I am around here - or maybe I'm super sensitive. . . I expressed the opinion that I did not want her traipsing through our house. Also, I expressed my opinion that "opening up the house" would make very little difference. He still asked her to do it! She called him while she was walking around our house b/c she forgot the door code. I heard him respond to her observation that our living rug had left a fade mark on the hardwood floor. WTF!

I was livid that he completely disregarded my wishes, but I haven't talked to him about it yet. I know, I know. . .

Then during the same trip, the fridge in our camper stopped working. DH asked me if the temp in the cooler was safe to drink the milk. I responded that I thought it best that we just replace the milk. Then I overheard him on the phone asking his mother if it was okay to consume, um, after I already said it wasn't!

Nuts or not? And any ideas how to address this issue without coming across like a lunatic who despises his mother - which is actually kind of true.

Other than the obvious, which is, "honey, it really ticked me off that you asked your mother to traipse through our home after I said I was uncomfortable with it. And it also ticked me off that you asked her about the milk even after I expressed my opinion. Please cut the apron strings."

This has been a prevalent issue. Their immediate family has traditionally been extremely close. She has always been the only woman in the family, so she is accustomed to being the matriarch without question. The woman has been known to refer to herself as the "queen." I am also a very strong personality, and I insist on being the matriarch of our unit. Anyone else dealt or dealing with this kind of mother-in-law. Is there any other kind of solution other than constantly stating my feelings and being more insistent that my wishes are heeded?

This is bullshit.

He is to put you first. Period.

Youve said this is an ongoing issue. Well, as of now, it is no longer an ongoing issue --- you tell him point blank that he is to make all decisions with you and be a team WITH you.

He decided about opening up the home? Nuh huh: you and he were BOTH to decide about that and both of you needed to come to a joint decision satisfactory to you both.

You need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel and that he is to put you first.

I also strongly suggest counseling for you both and counseling for him alone. Tell him it is a must.

The both of you need it because your communication is horrid, also.

If he won't do the counseling and he will not be a team with you, bad news. Start rethinking him --- or you will come in last forever.

Maybride2 · July 2014

Nuts. But you're the idiot who married a momma's boy. Surely you knew this guy and his mom for at least a little while before you married him.......right? I don't know how you go about changing a guy that you're married to, that's kind of the point behind dating - find someone that you like and don't have to change. But yeah, I'd tell him that he's a loser and a child for refusing to cut the apron strings, and let him know that the next time he invites his mother into your home after you've told him not to that he can pack a suitcase and go right on home with her.

Tofumonkey · July 2014

Meh. Drop the milk issue. Focus on the real issue - the house.

artbyallie · July 2014

Why the fuck are you complaining about her??? He's the one clinging to her damn apron strings.

daisy662 · July 2014

You have a husband issue. Not a MIL issue.

ClaryPax · July 2014

Your MIL is not nuts but your DH is. I don't know why he is going against what you are saying. I guess you need to have a heart to heart with him. If he didn't ask your MIL these things then she would not be involved, so I think it is his fault and not your MIL.

DaringMiss · July 2014

Here is something to think about:

In your post, you referred to yourself as having a "very strong personality" and wanting to be the "matriarch of (y)our unit". Have you considered that you and your mother-in-law are two of a kind? Have you considered that your husband was looking for a strong-willed wife (in the mold of his mother) when he married you?

Why do I bring this up? Because you can use this information to your advantage. Once you have acknowledged that you and his mom are similar, you can figure her out. What motivates her? What does she want from the situation? Is there a way to give her what she wants but still get what you want? Otherwise, you both will be fighting over your prize (your husband, her son) and neither of you will win. You will resent him for being weak and not standing up for you, she will heap guilt upon him and denigrate you to your future grandchildren.

SlurpeeLove · August 2014

daisy662 said:

You have a husband issue. Not a MIL issue.

^That. Talk to your husband.

JosieS65 · August 2014

If you have only been married for a short time, he is just used to going to his mom for advice. Granted you and he need to make the decisions that affect you. But that will come. My daughter once told her grandmother (my mom) that she would have to ask me about something Grandma had said--she felt I would know more than Grandma. My mom thought it was great. But it's not so great when it's your husband, but I would guess it's just a long-born habit. Often moms have lots of experience and know a lot about home related things.

That said, do as others have said, tell him you are hurt he double checked with her, tell him you and he are a team and need to make decisions, and then show him you are competent and knowledgeable. He'll lose that habit of checking with mom.

Nuts or Not? MIL issues.

Re: Nuts or Not? MIL issues.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards