Family Matters
dk1ace
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
GUYS: Big brother advice, baby sister & her boyfriend
I'm in my late 20's and my babysister is 15. I have 2 other sisters I've always been protective with. My little sister's father (my step dad) is always working or just in the house sleeping as he is older than the average dad would be to a teenager. Because of this I've always felt like I needed to be a bit more involved in my sisters upbringing being the big (and only) brother but also playing some kind of father figure (which would be natural considering our age difference). I get along great with all my sisters fyi.
So she's had this one boyfriend for sometime now. He's 16. I met him back in February when they wanted to go out for food and took her to meet up with him. He didn't meet my parents at the time so I was there to check him out and get a feel. They were off from school that week and I told him he needs to meet the parents ASAP if he wants to keep seeing my sister and that he should make it a priority to do it later that week after confirming with me that he was free. He was well spoken and looked nervous which were both good in my eyes. But later on I found out he never made time to meet our parents later that week. In fact it took him a few months before he actually went to my sister's house (who I don't live with) and meet our parents. That bothered me. I saw him a second time at an art performance my sister did for her school where he was there with friends supporting. He saw me and immediately approached me to shake my hand and say hi. He then started a conversation asking me about my profession which he's heard about from my sister. So I give him props for having the right mindset of "let me get to know the big brother" kind of approach.
So now: I told my sister I would take her to a concert for an artist she likes and she can bring 1 FRIEND. I don't get a chance to hang out with her as much as I want to. And I now that she has a boyfriend she really likes (posting social media photos of themselves, etc) I know he's the main male in her life she wants to spend time with. She wants to bring him and I told her NO. Now I have my mother calling me asking me why not and trying to argue. I was originally going to the concert with some friends and invited her afterwards. We are older so I said bring a friend but I didn't mean it to be an opportunity for her to go out with her boyfriend. That would be a DATE in my eyes.
Why I said no:
When I was 16 I dated a girl I liked a lot and she had a SCARY father. He worked hard for his family and was VERY STRICT. Just hearing about him I was scared. But I made sure I was on point: bringing her home earlier than I said I would, being super respectful when in their house, etc. We didn't even tell him we were dating. I was just a "friend" but clearly he wasn't dumb. By the time we were 18 years old I won this man's full respect and honoring as he said he wished we would've gotten married (we broke up). But during those years when he said we can't go to the movies, can't be on the phone, she can't go to your baseball game, whatever it was I stood by and honored it.
I now date a girl who has TWO older brothers (in their early 30's) and when meeting them I was also scared and nervous and made sure I earned their respect. But I'm an adult now so it's a little different. I guess I was raised to always have that "respect your elders" thinking. Don't get too comfortable.
But my mindset is that there should be some fear factor in a teenage boys mind when dating a girl. He HAS to know that there is a male who's watching you. Not to beat you up (unless you hurt the girl) but that he's strict and you just can't EASILY EARN ACCEPTANCE in his world. That you constantly have to be working at earning that.
He was well spoken yes. He shook my hand and started a conversation yes. But I only saw him twice. He didn't keep his word on meeting our parents that week AND (i felt bad about doing this but) I checked out his facebook and his main photo says SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY. That obviously didn't sit well with me.
I'm standing my ground of not letting her bring her boyfriend (Im paying for the tix btw too) because I still feel he hasn't earned my acceptance. Not like that. Not that easy. I grew up a fine man who has never had problems with parents because of the fear factor my ex's father put into my head. It turned into RESPECT. And letting this weed smoking teen come with me and my baby sister to a concert that I saw as me creating more of a bond with her, would rid me of my morals.
Would love to hear back from any other BIG BROTHERS out there or even FATHERS who understand where I'm coming from. Ladies your opinions are welcomed too BUT I feel the guys would feel me on this one even more.
Thanks in advance
So she's had this one boyfriend for sometime now. He's 16. I met him back in February when they wanted to go out for food and took her to meet up with him. He didn't meet my parents at the time so I was there to check him out and get a feel. They were off from school that week and I told him he needs to meet the parents ASAP if he wants to keep seeing my sister and that he should make it a priority to do it later that week after confirming with me that he was free. He was well spoken and looked nervous which were both good in my eyes. But later on I found out he never made time to meet our parents later that week. In fact it took him a few months before he actually went to my sister's house (who I don't live with) and meet our parents. That bothered me. I saw him a second time at an art performance my sister did for her school where he was there with friends supporting. He saw me and immediately approached me to shake my hand and say hi. He then started a conversation asking me about my profession which he's heard about from my sister. So I give him props for having the right mindset of "let me get to know the big brother" kind of approach.
So now: I told my sister I would take her to a concert for an artist she likes and she can bring 1 FRIEND. I don't get a chance to hang out with her as much as I want to. And I now that she has a boyfriend she really likes (posting social media photos of themselves, etc) I know he's the main male in her life she wants to spend time with. She wants to bring him and I told her NO. Now I have my mother calling me asking me why not and trying to argue. I was originally going to the concert with some friends and invited her afterwards. We are older so I said bring a friend but I didn't mean it to be an opportunity for her to go out with her boyfriend. That would be a DATE in my eyes.
Why I said no:
When I was 16 I dated a girl I liked a lot and she had a SCARY father. He worked hard for his family and was VERY STRICT. Just hearing about him I was scared. But I made sure I was on point: bringing her home earlier than I said I would, being super respectful when in their house, etc. We didn't even tell him we were dating. I was just a "friend" but clearly he wasn't dumb. By the time we were 18 years old I won this man's full respect and honoring as he said he wished we would've gotten married (we broke up). But during those years when he said we can't go to the movies, can't be on the phone, she can't go to your baseball game, whatever it was I stood by and honored it.
I now date a girl who has TWO older brothers (in their early 30's) and when meeting them I was also scared and nervous and made sure I earned their respect. But I'm an adult now so it's a little different. I guess I was raised to always have that "respect your elders" thinking. Don't get too comfortable.
But my mindset is that there should be some fear factor in a teenage boys mind when dating a girl. He HAS to know that there is a male who's watching you. Not to beat you up (unless you hurt the girl) but that he's strict and you just can't EASILY EARN ACCEPTANCE in his world. That you constantly have to be working at earning that.
He was well spoken yes. He shook my hand and started a conversation yes. But I only saw him twice. He didn't keep his word on meeting our parents that week AND (i felt bad about doing this but) I checked out his facebook and his main photo says SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY. That obviously didn't sit well with me.
I'm standing my ground of not letting her bring her boyfriend (Im paying for the tix btw too) because I still feel he hasn't earned my acceptance. Not like that. Not that easy. I grew up a fine man who has never had problems with parents because of the fear factor my ex's father put into my head. It turned into RESPECT. And letting this weed smoking teen come with me and my baby sister to a concert that I saw as me creating more of a bond with her, would rid me of my morals.
Would love to hear back from any other BIG BROTHERS out there or even FATHERS who understand where I'm coming from. Ladies your opinions are welcomed too BUT I feel the guys would feel me on this one even more.
Thanks in advance
Re: GUYS: Big brother advice, baby sister & her boyfriend
A parent or parents who have never met even the most casual date of their son or of their daughter?
Bad news.
Any parent with common sense wants to meet this person. And wants to know who the date's parents are, where he lives, what school he attends and so forth.
Its a must that you meet your son or daughter's dates. And meet their friends. No argument no ifts ands or buts.
I side eye any parent who will not do it.
Yeah. Good post, but The Nest is mostly women.
I am a parent of three children, granted they are little, but I already know and my husband agrees, what the basic standards are for dating.
I feel bad for you because it seems like you ARE the parent more so than your sister's actual mom and dad are.
I see how if you buy the tickets, you get to decide who comes to the concert. However, if the guy does come, maybe it would give you a better chance to get to know him and see if he is a creep. Maybe he is just an awkward teen around adults? Maybe he never benefitted from guidance about how to mannerly behaved around parents of girls he is seeing?
You may gain more of an ear with your sister if you do give her some opportunity to be more grown up in as much as she gets to decide who to bring. But, then as the paying adult, you get to set the "rules" like NO PDA!
Just tell her you aren't funding her 'date' and for her to bring another friend. Not a big deal unless you make it one.
As for your 'approval' of her boyfriend - for crap's sake they're 16 and this isn't 1950.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You are not the parent. It is not for you to decide when your sister's boyfriends meet the parents. That is for the parents and the couple in question to decide. No she's not an adult, but she will be soon, and it's time to start letting her use her judgement. She likes him enough to date him, she's not marrying him tomorrow, calm down.
Yes I agree that teenage couples should meet the parents early on. But again, that is for her parents to decide, not you. He met them, and your parents were I assume fine with his timing. It's not your call to make. My dad (who by the way is Hispanic/Italian, so very protective machismo) didn't like most of my high school boyfriends. None of them were criminals or anything, just not good enough in his eyes for me. But he never made them earn his approval. Approval was mine to give. Not his. He expected respect, he made that clear, but he never played mind games to test them. My father respected my autonamy, and I will always be grateful for that. He taught me how to expect to be treated by men (respectfully and as my own person) by treating me that way himself. I'm sure he would have interfered had I been attracted to a dangerous type, but it sounds like this boy isn't, so what is the deal?
My husband never treated his little sister that way either. He let it be known to all prospects that he had his sister's back, but her dating decisions were between herself and her parents when she was young, and herself alone when she was 18.
My mother's half brother was much like you describe yourself to be. He was way too involved in her dating life and had far too many rules for who and how to date his sister. Guess who she stopped talking to once she moved out? Your sister will be an adult very soon. You need to stop babysitting her. It's borderline controlling, and she will never learn to judge for herself if you always decide what's best for her.
I also don't understand this stuff about guys needing to be afraid of someone. If he needs to be threatened into being a decent guy, then he's not a decent guy. Presumably if/when she figures that out, she'll move on.
My dad is a Mexican guy who believes that a man should respect a woman but he was not overbearing in terms of my dating. My husband respected that and they got along because they both saw things that they respected. My dad had no need to approve of the guys I was dating because he knew I was choosing guys that wouldn't hurt me. If he thought there was something wrong, then he approached me about it but let me make my own decisions.My dad was strict but never overbearing because he trusted me. My younger brothers tried to be overbearing but the moment that happened they were shut down by myself AND my dad.