Pittsburgh Nesties
Luckystar2
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Parenting help
I post one of these every few months. I'm still frustrated with dd's behavior. She is very up and down. Sometimes super polite and other times so rude. That is ok although the attitude can be annoying. But I am so at a loss with how to deal with her when she has attitude or won't do what we ask.
For example. Last night she was rude. I asked her if there was a nicer way to ask me. She got more attitude and shouted No. I told her that wasn't nice and she screamed at me to stop. I told her she could apologize or go to her room. NO. I tell her to go to her room. And this becomes our major issue. Whatever the offense and even with warnings...she will never go up to TO.
I don't expect her to joyfully go to TO but I have to carry her up there all the time. I am SO done with this. We follow through. If we say TO she goes no matter what even if we have to carry her. She will come out and we will continually put her back in her room. If she doesn't go to her room herself, she loses toys. But it never seems to get better. Again, I don't expect her to be happy about it but I can't allow her to keep screaming at me no and I am so sick of having to carry a kicking 6 year old that is almost my size anymore!!!
So I'm back for advice. When it's specific behaviors that are problems we try reward charts. But I'm kind of sick of those. I feel like she shouldn't have to be rewarded for everything.
I feel like we are just constantly failing. Dh keeps saying it will eventually click but dd is so stubborn that she just doesn't ever seem to care about consequences. I believe she knows we will follow through. But she just won't stop and would rather continue the bad behavior and get in serious trouble.
For example. Last night she was rude. I asked her if there was a nicer way to ask me. She got more attitude and shouted No. I told her that wasn't nice and she screamed at me to stop. I told her she could apologize or go to her room. NO. I tell her to go to her room. And this becomes our major issue. Whatever the offense and even with warnings...she will never go up to TO.
I don't expect her to joyfully go to TO but I have to carry her up there all the time. I am SO done with this. We follow through. If we say TO she goes no matter what even if we have to carry her. She will come out and we will continually put her back in her room. If she doesn't go to her room herself, she loses toys. But it never seems to get better. Again, I don't expect her to be happy about it but I can't allow her to keep screaming at me no and I am so sick of having to carry a kicking 6 year old that is almost my size anymore!!!
So I'm back for advice. When it's specific behaviors that are problems we try reward charts. But I'm kind of sick of those. I feel like she shouldn't have to be rewarded for everything.
I feel like we are just constantly failing. Dh keeps saying it will eventually click but dd is so stubborn that she just doesn't ever seem to care about consequences. I believe she knows we will follow through. But she just won't stop and would rather continue the bad behavior and get in serious trouble.
Re: Parenting help
I feel that no attention sometimes works better than any attention, even if that attention is sending her to timeout.
1. What do you do for bad behavior? Time outs or something else? What about being rude? Should I just completely ignore her. Depending on the level of rudeness I will ignore. I generally remind her of ways to ask nicely. But like last night she just got Ruder and ruder.
2. What do you do if your kid won't do their punishment? I think TOs seem to help at least in the short term in that she usually apologizes afterwards. But how can I get her in TO when she fights it so much? Alternatives like losing toys or privileges seem harder for her to grasp and don't seem to work.
We've started a system recently where he has to earn privileges (TV, leap pad, wii, etc) and the day is split in 2: so if he has a good morning with no back talk or rudeness to anyone, he earns those privileges for the evening. If he has a good evening, he earns them for the morning. but if he decides to talk back or be rude to someone, not listen, etc....then he doesn't earn them for the next time period.
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
You say that you don't expect her to go joyfully into time out, but what do you expect from her in that situation? I think understanding consequence is still something that is really evolving at this age. They may be old enough to grasp the concept of consequence, but are still learning how to react or behave in a different way. With Mason in these situations, he knows that there will be a consequence, but sometimes he's reached a point in his reaction where he doesn't really know how to turn off the tantrum/defiance or change his reaction. I try not to view it as him choosing to be defiant, but rather he doesn't always know how to control his emotions/response. Sometimes we're able to turn a situation around, and sometimes we don't and everyone is upset/frustrated. Disciplining our kids is never a pleasant experience. Parenthood is a constant roller coaster of feeling like we are effective and doing a good job, and feeling like we are screwing everything up!
From what you've described, it doesn't appear that the behavior is concerning, but more somethign we can all commiserate with! Have you talked to your pediatrician for advice? Maybe they could refer you to some behavioral resources that might better explain her reaction to things and provide you with some guidance or alternatives on how to handle them.
I did want to talk to her pedi but there was scheduling difficulties and ended up seeing the NP who I was not thrilled with. I'm kind of annoyed with how hard it is to get an appt. now. It's easy to be seen when sick but you apparently have to schedule far out to see your regular dr for normal appt.
They will listen (usually) when R tells them to go to their room, but rarely listen when I tell them to. I try to find other consequences since dragging them upstairs sucks…though I still use time out for hitting, kicking or other out of control behavior.
For rudeness or whiny behavior, they don’t get what they want. I don’t ignore the behavior, but I make it clear that speaking the way they are speaking will not get them what they want. For yelling at me or treating me badly, I ignore them and/or leave the room. When they treat each other poorly, they get separated or the thing they are fighting over is taken away.
For refusing to do what is asked, I make my request clear and leave them for a few minutes and then come back again to remind them of what I expect. If they “engage” in stubbornness, I generally threaten to throw away treats from their bags. I always follow through on this and I always throw away the crappy treats first (e.g. shrink wrapped cookies, candy that is only corn syrup).
Sometimes I just let them be mad – yell, scream, stomp, etc – as long as they are not hurting anyone. And I agree that once there is crying, I know the battle is nearly over. Sad but true, especially at bedtime.
I wish day to day parenting were easier, truly. But some days it just feels like we're raising little savages. Thankfully when they go out in the world their behavior is fine. We just get to see the worst of it at home!
http://lifesprinkledwithglitter.blogspot.com/2012/03/coin-chart-behavioral-finance-chart-for.html