Affair Question- what is wrong with me????

repedrick · July 2014

I screwed up big time- I cheated on my husband with an old flame. This old flame and I go way way back and recently ran into each other in public when I was back home visiting family. One thing led to another, several drinks later and we had sex. I love my DH dearly and am mad at myself for letting this happen. The old flame is a bad kisser, the sex wasn't that great, he's not 1/2 the husband & father that my DH is so I don't know why I would even be interested in him- I have it much better at home. But now I can't get him out of my head and he wants to hook up again. In my heart I want to forget it ever happened but he keeps texting me. How would you handle it from here?

BlueBirdMB · July 2014

Are you serious? Here's what you should do: Tell you husband. He deserves to know. Then deal with the fall out. I'd divorce you if I was him. Sex doesn't just "happen".

debbeau · July 2014

Block the old flames number and decide what you need to do to fix this.

TarponMonoxide · July 2014

repedrick said:

I screwed up big time- I cheated on my husband with an old flame. This old flame and I go way way back and recently ran into each other in public when I was back home visiting family. One thing led to another, several drinks later and we had sex. I love my DH dearly and am mad at myself for letting this happen. The old flame is a bad kisser, the sex wasn't that great, he's not 1/2 the husband & father that my DH is so I don't know why I would even be interested in him- I have it much better at home. But now I can't get him out of my head and he wants to hook up again. In my heart I want to forget it ever happened but he keeps texting me. How would you handle it from here?

Poor form. "one thing led to another"? It wouldn't have if you maybe met him in a diner or coffee house, spent some time there and then you went the hell home.

So if he is a bad kisser and the sex was not great....why were you with him???? Something is weird here.

How would I handle it from here?

Fist off, I wouldn't be so free with my ass ---- you have no business seeing other men. You're married.

Second off, ignore his texts. He will get the picture and go away...and sure he wants another one night stand: you were an easy mark!

Third off, you need to figure out whether or not you wish to stay married to your H. Once a cheater always a cheater --- maybe you are better off calling it a day and doing him a favor.

You need to tell your H immediately about your little dalliance with this "old flame." And yes, you need to face the music like a woman -- and if your H wants a divorce, well, that's the way it goes. Too bad.

How would you feel if your H came up to you, with the same kind of confession you gave us? You'd be livid, right? Think about it.

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

How about taking some real responsibility for your actions instead of making poor excuses like "one thing led to another." No you made a very clear and conscious decision to do what you did.

You need to tell your husband. He has every right to protect himself from God knows what kind of diseases you willingly exposed yourself too.

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

repedrick said:

I screwed up big time- I cheated on my husband with an old flame. This old flame and I go way way back and recently ran into each other in public when I was back home visiting family. One thing led to another, several drinks later and we had sex. I love my DH dearly and am mad at myself for letting this happen. The old flame is a bad kisser, the sex wasn't that great, he's not 1/2 the husband & father that my DH is so I don't know why I would even be interested in him- I have it much better at home. But now I can't get him out of my head and he wants to hook up again. In my heart I want to forget it ever happened but he keeps texting me. How would you handle it from here?

GilliC · July 2014

You wouldn't have cheated if your relationship was healthy and fulfilling. People in satisfying relationships don't cheat (at least not in the "one thing led to another" way; only in the mental health compulsion kind of way).

Therapy is a must no matter what else you do. Find out why you cheated. What are you missing?

Personally, I would suggest you leave your husband. Not for this guy, but because you're not in a marriage you find to be enough. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him, and there IS a good chance you will cheat again. That isn't fair to him.
I don't believe that a person who is once a cheater, is always a cheater, but I do believe it's true in a particular relationship. If the relationship doesn't change drastically (and that's very hard), always s cheater in that relationship.

Go find someone you won't cheat on, and let your H find someone who won't cheat on him.

catsareniice1 · July 2014

GilliC said:

You wouldn't have cheated if your relationship was healthy and fulfilling. People in satisfying relationships don't cheat (at least not in the "one thing led to another" way; only in the mental health compulsion kind of way).

Therapy is a must no matter what else you do. Find out why you cheated. What are you missing?

Personally, I would suggest you leave your husband. Not for this guy, but because you're not in a marriage you find to be enough. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him, and there IS a good chance you will cheat again. That isn't fair to him.
I don't believe that a person who is once a cheater, is always a cheater, but I do believe it's true in a particular relationship. If the relationship doesn't change drastically (and that's very hard), always s cheater in that relationship.

Go find someone you won't cheat on, and let your H find someone who won't cheat on him.

FYI: People in happy relationships do cheat, just because they have no integrity and are selfish.

GilliC · July 2014

catsareniice1 said:

GilliC said:
You wouldn't have cheated if your relationship was healthy and fulfilling. People in satisfying relationships don't cheat (at least not in the "one thing led to another" way; only in the mental health compulsion kind of way).

Therapy is a must no matter what else you do. Find out why you cheated. What are you missing?

Personally, I would suggest you leave your husband. Not for this guy, but because you're not in a marriage you find to be enough. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him, and there IS a good chance you will cheat again. That isn't fair to him.

I don't believe that a person who is once a cheater, is always a cheater, but I do believe it's true in a particular relationship. If the relationship doesn't change drastically (and that's very hard), always s cheater in that relationship.

Go find someone you won't cheat on, and let your H find someone who won't cheat on him.
FYI: People in happy relationships do cheat, just because they have no integrity and are selfish.

That's the "compulsion" reason of which I spoke.

I said "healthy" and "satisfying." If the integrity and selfishness issues lead to infidelity, then the relationship is not healthy. Those are issues the person needs to work on in therapy.

catsareniice1 · July 2014

GilliC said:

GilliC said:

You wouldn't have cheated if your relationship was healthy and fulfilling. People in satisfying relationships don't cheat (at least not in the "one thing led to another" way; only in the mental health compulsion kind of way).

Therapy is a must no matter what else you do. Find out why you cheated. What are you missing?

Personally, I would suggest you leave your husband. Not for this guy, but because you're not in a marriage you find to be enough. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him, and there IS a good chance you will cheat again. That isn't fair to him.
I don't believe that a person who is once a cheater, is always a cheater, but I do believe it's true in a particular relationship. If the relationship doesn't change drastically (and that's very hard), always s cheater in that relationship.

Go find someone you won't cheat on, and let your H find someone who won't cheat on him.

FYI: People in happy relationships do cheat, just because they have no integrity and are selfish.
That's the "compulsion" reason of which I spoke.

I said "healthy" and "satisfying." If the integrity and selfishness issues lead to infidelity, then the relationship is not healthy. Those are issues the person needs to work on in therapy.

Oh ok. Got ya!! I agree.

ashamoley · August 2014

Oh so, because he's a bad kisser it better validates your affair?! Please tell me you're joking. You should HANDLE it by telling your husband you cheated. Then you should figure out where the roots of the affair were and seriously deal with them.

rhosocal · August 2014

I can relate on one part... I have ALMOST started 2 emotional affairs while my 8 year boyfriend (now my husband) was at its worst. (I'm talking emotional and physical abuse). Ever since he has committed to The Lord, baptized himself and understands now what and why he had done to me in the past. We are now married. We have many bumps in the road. He has a severe (real) ADD problem that seems to get worse over time and IS behind most of the problems that happen between us. I love him dearly, I refuse to babysit him but I'll stand by him. He loves me and I know it. We are best friends. I'm no Rihanna story, Chris brown has no excuse and no mental excuse. My husband has really bad ADD an very low self confidence to the point he punches and hits himself. No excuse to ever lay a hand on a women and he gets that now. Mental issues affect these issues and I get that and I won't be a witch and just dump him to the curb because it's not what I want. I wanted a good hearted strong Christian man... I got my husband instead. I wouldn't trade him for the world. BUT I would NEVER physically cheat... There is not excuse for abuse or cheating. I pray for you, that he believes in marriage before divorce and you'll get this fixed. But he may cut you off if it cuts him that deep. The more he loves you the harder this will be for him and he most likely will need time to figure out what he wants to do. So instead of asking us what YOU should do, at this point you have 2 options, continue to be a trampled selfish "wife" and ignore telling your husband and watch yourself do it again... OR... TELL your HUSBAND and don't demand or expect him to act fair or calm or chill with it, tell him and let it be about what HE wants to do... Give him time to think about what he wants. Even if he doesn't come home for days. Let him be. Wait for him to make the call. The ball is in his court not yours, back off and let you husband decide how to handle your unfaithfulness and the pain it will cause him. Apologize but be warned, he may not want to hear that apology yet, so say it like a wife not with defense. And keep this between you an him from that point forward, the while world doesn't want to know what you did, your husband doesn't want the humiliation. Good luck to you dear.

BlueBirdMB · August 2014

rhosocal said:

I can relate on one part... I have ALMOST started 2 emotional affairs while my 8 year boyfriend (now my husband) was at its worst. (I'm talking emotional and physical abuse). Ever since he has committed to The Lord, baptized himself and understands now what and why he had done to me in the past. We are now married. We have many bumps in the road. He has a severe (real) ADD problem that seems to get worse over time and IS behind most of the problems that happen between us. I love him dearly, I refuse to babysit him but I'll stand by him. He loves me and I know it. We are best friends. I'm no Rihanna story, Chris brown has no excuse and no mental excuse. My husband has really bad ADD an very low self confidence to the point he punches and hits himself. No excuse to ever lay a hand on a women and he gets that now. Mental issues affect these issues and I get that and I won't be a witch and just dump him to the curb because it's not what I want. I wanted a good hearted strong Christian man... I got my husband instead. I wouldn't trade him for the world. BUT I would NEVER physically cheat... There is not excuse for abuse or cheating. I pray for you, that he believes in marriage before divorce and you'll get this fixed. But he may cut you off if it cuts him that deep. The more he loves you the harder this will be for him and he most likely will need time to figure out what he wants to do. So instead of asking us what YOU should do, at this point you have 2 options, continue to be a trampled selfish "wife" and ignore telling your husband and watch yourself do it again... OR... TELL your HUSBAND and don't demand or expect him to act fair or calm or chill with it, tell him and let it be about what HE wants to do... Give him time to think about what he wants. Even if he doesn't come home for days. Let him be. Wait for him to make the call. The ball is in his court not yours, back off and let you husband decide how to handle your unfaithfulness and the pain it will cause him. Apologize but be warned, he may not want to hear that apology yet, so say it like a wife not with defense. And keep this between you an him from that point forward, the while world doesn't want to know what you did, your husband doesn't want the humiliation. Good luck to you dear.

I specialize in learning solutions for those with learning differences. I just want to make sure that you understand that ADD is NOT a mental problem. When you use the word "mental problem" it makes me think that you have put ADD in the same category as bipolar or the like, which it is not. It does cause extreme frustration which can sometime manifest itself in self-harming, but I have never seen it cause violence unless the ADD was used as an excuse for the behavior. It is never an excuse for anything. It maybe an explanation, but there should always be consequences to his actions regardless. I'm not sure how an adult can flip that switch from having violent behavior to not, but I wish you luck.

NoneForUs · September 2014

Married people should not put themselves in certain situations.

An old high school crush found me on Facebook. This was completely fine until he started talking about meeting me at a hotel bar, while he was in my city for business. I wasn't born yesterday. I know he wanted me to drink, lose my inhibitions and go up to his hotel room with him. I blocked him from FB.

I had a male friend who started sending me sexts about wanting to "do nasty things" to me. Again, I immediately told him never to contact me again and deleted his phone number.

These examples are to illustrate the way married couples should be vigilant against threats to their marriage. If you cared about your marriage and your husband, you would not have been drinking with another man and then allowing "one thing to lead to another". I can't tell you whether or not to confess. I do think that you need to revaluate your marriage and whether or not you want to stay in it. I hope you used condoms because if you did not, you are obligated to tell your husband so that he can get tested.

TheaRae · September 2014

First You need to come clean to your husband... (this will surley take away your I don't know what to do attitude because your marriage is now broken, and you may have bigger issues on your hand)

Secondly, get into theraphy immideately so you can begin to work on your own personal issues to better yourself if your husband is willing to forgive you.

Third, the fact that you don't know what to do about the little fling seems extreamly wrong if you really felt bad you would shut it DOWN!

Affair Question- what is wrong with me????

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