Family Matters
Mariana59
member
Dear Community,
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In-laws!!
My in-laws are very nice people who have raised great kids, my husband is wonderful, a perfect father for our future kids. The only problem is that I feel they are too meddling. Example 1: For our wedding, his mother kept pushing for a certain venue, so I did too. Yes, it was a wedding where both parents (his and mine) pitched in and I wanted more of an intimate wedding were it not for how much family he has. Another suggestion was to have it at his grandparent;s house, I immediately said no because I knew what that entailed, her decorating, her doing all the crafty stuff. He insisted that that was not it but instead because she had just retired, it gave her "something to do." In the end, we had it at my parent's. I met with her for lunch to discuss flower order, dinner wear and table decor. On the day of, flower arrangements were what she thought looked best (she forgot what our lunch date was about). Week before wedding day, father texts a price comparison of plastic table ware and table ware that, per his mom and I had discussed over lunch. I told my then husband to-be to call his dad and tell him I didn't want plastic! From the beginning it was clear that his family was going to help, they were going to give him money and we would use it how we needed to. No, that did not happen. I planned our wedding with his parent's and mine -not with him. Example 2: We leave for honeymoon and he has a "surprise" for me; he gave his mom $500 to decorate our home (I moved in to his house). I did not want to argue before honeymoon and what can $500 really do? We get back from honeymoon and his parents pick us up, take us out for lunch and when we get home, his sister and her husband are already waiting for us to get all the details of our honeymoon. We go inside and his mom showcases all the decorating she did to now-my-house, I am truly hurt because she took that special thing from me. I know I didn't buy the house but it's my home now, I get to decorate it and create those memories with my husband. There was an emergency in my family and I told him I have to go see my mother, well we couldn't just yet because it'd be rude to leave so fast. I gave it a bit but I was so hurt by her decorating it and so hurt because my family needed me. Also, she spent $500 more of her money to create a look that "I would like" so as to "make every room look different." and that she "hopes" that didn't cause any problems. She took back the curtains that WE registered for and brought back some dark brown ones... Thanks to that, our first night as newly weds we argued and screamed at each other and almost slept in separate beds. Next day, we get a group text that EVERY weekend we are to rotate family dinner then when he was talking with his dad on the phone, he coincidentally puts him on speaker when his dad says that it's a good idea to do it at our house this weekend "so everyone could see all the hard work she (his mom) did to our house". Example 3: Since being newlyweds, we have seen his family every weekend, minus the one where they went to our honeymoon spot for a week. He says that I should not make him choose between him spending time with his family and him spending time with me. Furthermore, I should want to spend time with his family because I am spending time with him at the same time... Example 4: She keeps dropping off stuff at our house (his parents have a key to our house). When I merely mentioned I needed to buy more matching plates so I can invite my friends over, she dropped some off the next day. She bought a curtain for our guest bathroom and wanted to "surprise me" by hanging it before I came home, this case I was summarily happy when he replied, well ask her, she likes decorating 
She said, yea I "guess" I should. I love that they are a loving family but I feel it is just too much sometimes.
She said, yea I "guess" I should. I love that they are a loving family but I feel it is just too much sometimes.
Re: In-laws!!
You? or your H?
How come you see nothing wrong with them having a key to your place and nothing wrong with him giving it to them, if that is the case???
You and your H need a couple three lessons in sticking up for your rights and being A FAMILY of your own.
That's right: you are one new family unit.
And you need lessons in how to stand together as a team.
From here on in:
YOUR time is your own. You're not the entertainment committee for anybody else but each other.
"Sorry but we can't do every weekend anymore; we are busy and have plans." Tell them that and then stick to your guns.
Take back your lives and your home. Get that lock changed ---- and who gave her a key??? Please don't tell me it was your H; if that is who gave her the key, have a hairy and lambaste him: wow, he had no right to do that.
And if it was you, why did you do it??? Makes no sense!
And he had no right to give his mother $500! This is a TEAM VENTURE and he has no right to do what he wants with money that is yours and his:
Example 2: We leave for honeymoon and he has a "surprise" for me; he gave his mom $500 to decorate our home (I moved in to his house). I did not want to argue before honeymoon and what can $500 really do?
And you don't see the real problem: he's too attached to his parents and he did not decide with you what to do with your money and his.
You've got an H problem here. He's way too mature and too attached to his parents. Is he rather young? That might be part of the issue -- and to me, any guy who hasn't got the mettle to stand up to his parents and yeah, cut an apron string is iffy as husband material.
You don't see the real problem here.
Please nip this in the bud before it gets worse:
He has to cut the apron strings
He has to be a team with you
You have to start standing up for yourself -- don't let anybody push you around.
I can't get over the $500 and how the OP doesn't see that that in itself is very wrong.
The wedding planning things? Who cares --- we've seen it a thousand times elsewhere -- but you can't let your H not be a partner with you.
What he needs to do --- with you right there:
Say to his mother "Ma, do not butt in to our business again. Do not drop over unbidden and do not 'do us favor.' It is to stop right now -- my wife and I are a team and you are upsetting her."
Demand that he say that.
And if he will not do so with no questions asked:
Let his mother and father come and pick HIM up for lunch....
And take him back to their home, where he will stay.
Why do you want such a little family boy to be married to? Are you married to him? or to him, his parents and his sister and his BIL????
This is a whole group endeavor, not a husband and wife endeavor!
We teach people how to treat us. Boundaries need to be set with meddling in-laws early on. It appears that the OP and her husband have a hard time asserting themselves which is a problem.