Momma Drama (Vent)

Re: Momma Drama (Vent)

• TarponMonoxide member

  

  August 2014

  SlurpeeLove said:

  So I moved at the end of December from Fort Lauderdale, Florida to Chicago, Illinois.  I had this great job opportunity and decided to take it.  Since leaving, I have flown back to visit for Mother's Day and Memorial Day.  DH and I will be flying home at the end of this week for my dad's 50th birthday and go on a cruise.  Before going on the cruise, we have 5 days where we'll be in town visiting with family and friends.

  
  

  DH's family is much more religious than mine, so when we sat down to discuss how we would split up the time, we decided Saturday with his family and Sunday with mine since his will be in church all day.  So this morning I text my mother and tell her not to make plans for Sunday because we'll be spending more than half the day with her. 
  
  
  You and he are not obligated to spend allll of that time with your "families." Do a dinner with them and have them meet you in a restaurant.
  
  You and he are your own family unit. Not you and your parents and not him and his parents.
  
  I am reading your post as I go along and you already have quite a formula for aggravation, dissent and parental buttinskiism.
  
  
  She said "Oh, well I was planning something on Saturday, but I guess you don't like spending time with me."  OMG.  This stuff drives me crazy!  I tried explaining to her that we do need to spend time with DH's family on Saturday since they'll all be busy on Sunday, but it fell on deaf ears.
  
  Your problem is that you react to that kind of guilt ridden comment. Don't play that game; ignore it. It's all histronics and designed to make you feel guilty.
  

  
  

  She has been like this for years and as she ages, it only gets worse.  I get that she misses me and I'm not saying I haven't missed her too, but she needs to understand that I have other obligations.  Then my sister starts sending me texts that my mother is very upset because I don't "prioritize" her when I go down.  When I went down for Mother's Day, I spent the entire day Saturday and most of Sunday at her house with her.  The next trip down for Memorial Day, my father paid for the flight (my parents are divorced) and I made sure to spend about half a day with her, but was feverishly trying to get things done for the wedding.  And I was gone two days later.
  

  
  

  I swear, it's impossible to please my family.  I can't just ignore DH's family, especially since we JUST got married.  And I understand that it's difficult since both DH's parents and my own are divorced, so it's double-visitation duty, but I'm going to lose my mind.  Is it bad that we moved to Chicago and on all these holidays that have passed (with the exception of my birthday), I was actually happy to not be at home driving to 4 different houses?

  
  

  (If you have made it this far through my rant, I apologize.  Please have a congratulatory coffee. ~O)

  Don't play this kind of game anymore. I'd limit the visits to them, simply because there is this guilt trip laid on you and you are falling for it hook line and sinker.
  
  Christmas is coming as is Thanksgiving. You and your H plan to be together on that day --- have Christmas at your house. IF the invitees can make it, great -- if not, too bad. Get this settled and done now or you'll have a big mess on your hands.
  

  Report0 Reply
• Disneygeek77 member

  

  August 2014 edited August 2014

  I would say " Mom knock it off, guilt trips don't work on me.  If anything it makes me want to spend less time with you guys." 

  
  

  Let her know that if Sunday won't work for her, than  you will just have to see them another time but you are not changing your plans with the ILs.  

  
  

  FWIW, my ILs were like this when we go out and visit them.  THey thought they can dictate what we do and where we go.  My husband put his foot down and let them know this is our vacation too and we will do as we please.  His family was upset at first ( as in crying, sobbing and guilt trips) but they got over it.   Our visits now are more pleasant and they are much more respectful of our plans.  

  
  

  Again, once they know that guilt trips don't work on you, the might just stop.

  Report1 Reply
• SlurpeeLove member

  

  August 2014

  I did tell her to stop with the guilt trips because I don't like them.  So, we'll see in a week's time what happens.

  

  my read shelf:

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Finance Runner Blog

  Report0 Reply
• Disneygeek77 member

  

  August 2014

  Good for you.  Maybe next time try to emphasize that they won't work more than you don't like them.  

  
  

  Prepare yourself that she will still try to pull a guilt trip on you by calling on Sat and asking when you are coming over or giving you a hard time on Sunday when you do see them.  

  
  

  Again, send the clear message that guilt trips won't work.  If she is being too pouty about it I would even say " I can see you are upset right now.  We are going to leave so call us when you are feeling better."

  
  

  Trust me, I speak from experience.  When they learn guilt trips don't work and might even backfire, then usually stop.  

  Report0 Reply
• VOR member

  

  August 2014

  One other thing I'd do- I'd ask her "How would you feel if his mom gave us the same guilt trip and in turn, we spent ALL our time w/ them and none with you?".  Of course she'd be REALLY upset.  Tell her that this is basically what she's asking you to do to HIS family.  Ignore them, spend no time with them.

  Is THAT fair?

  I would ask this ONCE and then from here on out, I'd stop explaining/defending or whatever.  I'd just respond with "I'm sorry to hear that.  So, when will we see you on Sunday?".  Just stop feeding into the drama. 

  Report0 Reply
• Leftie22 member

  

  August 2014

  I like PPs advice, and just wanted to say sorry you're in this situation. We live away and get the guilt trips too, from my ILs. Just stick to your plan, and try not to let your mom get to you. And yes, celebrate the fact that you don't have to go through this for every holiday!!

  Report0 Reply