Married To An Identical Twin

Taryn1234 · July 2014

I am married to a twin. We have been together for many years but just recently go married a few months ago. My husband is an identical twin and he and his brother share a very special bond. Since our marriage I have found myself feeling a little left out and almost like a third wheel at times. My husband is in the process of potentially making a career change and it has been brought to my attention on a couple of occasions that my husband shared some news and or feelings with his twin that he did not share with me. There have also been numerous times when my husband and his brother start laughing or talking about something that happened to my husband, when I ask what they're are talking about my husband replies, "I have told you about this." When in reality he never did.

My husband and his twin brother talk at least once a day which is 100% fine with me. My brother-in-law is married as well and lives not too far from us. I don't feel they see each too much or that his twin brother takes away from time we should share together. I just feel that I am not getting 100% of my husband. He is my confidante. I tell him everything and I feel like his twin gets that part of my husband instead of me. I don't feel that neither his twin nor myself should come "first" in my husband's life but, am I wrong for wanting my husband to come to me for support and advice before going to his brother?

I realize that twins have a very, very special bond. One that I will never understand. I have siblings of my own that I am extremely close with but nothing to the degree of a twinship. I do not want to break or hurt their bond in anyway I just want to find a happy medium for my relationship with my husband.

After all of this babbling

I am curious if anyone else is married to an identical twin and what difficulties they have faced and how they dealt with and or managed them?

Thanks for listening!!

TarponMonoxide · July 2014

Why can't he have these conversations away from you? I don't blame you for feeling left out.

Tell him what you told us.See what happens.

GilliC · July 2014

I have a close friend who is an identical twin and by coincidence I'm also close friends with his twin's SO. They are nothing like this. While some twins might have a tight bond, it's not a given. So your issues relate more to someone with any extremely close sibling or friend. Not just a twin.

spikeinc · July 2014

I agree with Gillic. I am married to an identical twin. My h does not have a close relationship with his brother at all. I would suggest counseling for yourself first and then joint to work out your issue.

Taryn1234 · July 2014

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it!

ClaryPax · July 2014

Talking every day is a bit much. I would encourage him taking that down to a couple of times a week and sharing news with you first. Other than that I wouldn't worry too much. Its good for you both to have outside relationships. He just needs to adjust his a little so he tells you more than the twin.

pinkitty · July 2014

Taryn1234 said:

I am married to a twin. We have been together for many years but just recently go married a few months ago. My husband is an identical twin and he and his brother share a very special bond. Since our marriage I have found myself feeling a little left out and almost like a third wheel at times. My husband is in the process of potentially making a career change and it has been brought to my attention on a couple of occasions that my husband shared some news and or feelings with his twin that he did not share with me. There have also been numerous times when my husband and his brother start laughing or talking about something that happened to my husband, when I ask what they're are talking about my husband replies, "I have told you about this." When in reality he never did.

My husband and his twin brother talk at least once a day which is 100% fine with me. My brother-in-law is married as well and lives not too far from us. I don't feel they see each too much or that his twin brother takes away from time we should share together. I just feel that I am not getting 100% of my husband. He is my confidante. I tell him everything and I feel like his twin gets that part of my husband instead of me. I don't feel that neither his twin nor myself should come "first" in my husband's life but, am I wrong for wanting my husband to come to me for support and advice before going to his brother?

I realize that twins have a very, very special bond. One that I will never understand. I have siblings of my own that I am extremely close with but nothing to the degree of a twinship. I do not want to break or hurt their bond in anyway I just want to find a happy medium for my relationship with my husband.

After all of this babbling I am curious if anyone else is married to an identical twin and what difficulties they have faced and how they dealt with and or managed them?

Thanks for listening!!

Yes, as his wife, you should always come first.

Tofumonkey · July 2014

I think that limiting his contact with his twin is a bit controlling. Have you spoken to the other twin's wife? Is she experiencing similar feelings?

When you talk to you husband about how it makes you feel (remember to stick to 'I' statements) what is his reaction?

Erikan73 · July 2014

I like the idea of talking to SIL to see if she is experiencing similar issues at her end & how she deals with it.

catsareniice1 · August 2014

ClaryPax said:

Talking every day is a bit much. I would encourage him taking that down to a couple of times a week and sharing news with you first. Other than that I wouldn't worry too much. Its good for you both to have outside relationships. He just needs to adjust his a little so he tells you more than the twin.

I don't see a problem with him sharing everything with his brother provided his wife is not left in the dark. Talking to a sibling or close friend everyday is not too much if both parties are ok with being that close. Telling him to not contact his brother daily is very, very controlling. omg

Ilumine · August 2014

ClaryPax said:

Talking every day is a bit much. I would encourage him taking that down to a couple of times a week

Wong answer. The OP was very clear that other than the CONTENT of the talks, her DH and Twin do not take away from their marriage. So all this advice would do is put a focus on something that is wrong and potentially add to make her husband resent her.

Were DH to tell me that I am only ALLOWED to talk to the 2-3 women I chat with at least once a day, DH would be sleeping on the couch for being a controlling ass. My conversations with them do not interfere with our marriage or family time and therefore he has NO SAY over who I talk to or how much I talk to that person.

and sharing news with you first.

This I agree with.

Other than that I wouldn't worry too much. Its good for you both to have outside relationships. He just needs to adjust his a little so he tells you more than the twin.

ClaryPax · August 2014

Ilumine said:

ClaryPax said:

Talking every day is a bit much. I would encourage him taking that down to a couple of times a week

Wong answer. The OP was very clear that other than the CONTENT of the talks, her DH and Twin do not take away from their marriage. So all this advice would do is put a focus on something that is wrong and potentially add to make her husband resent her.

Were DH to tell me that I am only ALLOWED to talk to the 2-3 women I chat with at least once a day, DH would be sleeping on the couch for being a controlling ass. My conversations with them do not interfere with our marriage or family time and therefore he has NO SAY over who I talk to or how much I talk to that person.

and sharing news with you first.

This I agree with.

Other than that I wouldn't worry too much. Its good for you both to have outside relationships. He just needs to adjust his a little so he tells you more than the twin.

Good god. Its just asking him to talk to her more rather than the twin. Just opening up the conversation about it, not saying he can't talk to his twin. Encouraging is not the same as demanding and being controlling. There is also a difference between being on the phone for hours interfering with a relationship (telling them things you should be telling your wife) and chatting for a little bit with your friends IMO.

OP sounded like she was OK with it, but it came across kind of passive aggressively that she really wasn't OK with it. I'm just saying she needs to own up to her true feelings here. That she is OK with him talking to the twin everyday, but it's not really OK because he tells the twin stuff he really shouldn't. The time frame is probably more a symptom then the problem, but it was one way of sort of saying well he should be talking to his wife and not his twin.

Ilumine · August 2014

ClaryPax said:

Ilumine said:

ClaryPax said:

Talking every day is a bit much. I would encourage him taking that down to a couple of times a week

Wong answer. The OP was very clear that other than the CONTENT of the talks, her DH and Twin do not take away from their marriage. So all this advice would do is put a focus on something that is wrong and potentially add to make her husband resent her.

Were DH to tell me that I am only ALLOWED to talk to the 2-3 women I chat with at least once a day, DH would be sleeping on the couch for being a controlling ass. My conversations with them do not interfere with our marriage or family time and therefore he has NO SAY over who I talk to or how much I talk to that person.

and sharing news with you first.

This I agree with.

Other than that I wouldn't worry too much. Its good for you both to have outside relationships. He just needs to adjust his a little so he tells you more than the twin.

Good god. Its just asking him to talk to her more rather than the twin. Just opening up the conversation about it, not saying he can't talk to his twin. Encouraging is not the same as demanding and being controlling. There is also a difference between being on the phone for hours interfering with a relationship (telling them things you should be telling your wife) and chatting for a little bit with your friends IMO.

OP sounded like she was OK with it, but it came across kind of passive aggressively that she really wasn't OK with it. I'm just saying she needs to own up to her true feelings here. That she is OK with him talking to the twin everyday, but it's not really OK because he tells the twin stuff he really shouldn't. The time frame is probably more a symptom then the problem, but it was one way of sort of saying well he should be talking to his wife and not his twin.

No you said - and i quote "Talking every day is too much. I would encourage him taking that down to a couple times a week"

The amount of time the OP's husband is taking to his brother is not the problem. The CONTENT and TIMING are. I can talk to my GF three or four times a day and not divulge marital sensitive information.

And by putting the focus on the amount or timing vs the real issue - who gets told what first - won't fix the problem and could put resentment where it doesn't need to be.

BTW - the OP was very clear in the beginning, that other than the content, her DH's conversations were not taking away from their marriage. And nowhere did the OP say that they were on the phone for hours on end.

themuffinman16 · September 2014

I have a twin sister and we are extremely close. I talk to her several times a day, but at least once a day. Her fiance has a great relationship with her because he made friends with me. My H and I have kind of a strained relationship... only when it applies to sis. Resentment of not having what your husband has with his twin, will cause a competition and defensiveness.

Instead, I encourage you to embrace your husband's twin brother. You might feel like you are. But close twins always know when someone is frustrated with the dynamic of their relationship, as it is very common. My H is getting better about it, which in turn relaxes me. There are certain things I share with my twin (my dysfunctional family vents, etc) that I only give the highlights to H. But plans to have a baby, job searching, or anything to do with our household and life together, H comes first. There will come times when you come first, and there will come times where he just needs his brother. If you start recognizing all that he does come to tell you, first, you will realize he talks to you more than you think he does, and talks to his twin, a little less.

To me, I see having a twin as an asset. It gives you a much better insight into your partner, because someone else knows them better than you do (in turn you will get to know more about him). Twins have the past, but the SO gets the future. As long as you develop a bond with the twin, you will never feel left out. A tricycle has three wheels and moves very well. Just a twin's perspective.

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