Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Please help! I feel like I'm losing a member of my family
I'm hoping to get others advice/opinions on this situation.
Here's some background:
Last year I had a miscarriage and 4 months later, I was blessed with another pregnancy. I had a very difficult pregnancy and had to see a high risk dr for the duration of my pregnancy. It was literally one complication after another and I was constantly either calling my dr or going in to the office to make sure that my baby was ok. I was put on bed rest for the last trimester. It was an extremely scary time in my life. I thought i was going to lose my baby on a regular basis and therefore, I could not enjoy my pregnancy. Thankfully, everything turned out ok and I delivered a perfect, healthy baby a few months ago.
Here's the situation:
My cousin was aware of all that I was going through and seemed understanding. She never married and has no children so she doesn't know first hand what its like to be pregnant or have a child. My sister has been helping me the whole time. I told my sister prior to giving birth that I did not want any visitors to the hospital because I was nervous with all the germs and given all that I had gone through during my pregnancy, I was scared of something bad happening to my baby. I am a first time mom and whether anyone agrees with me or not, its my decision. Anyway, while i was still in the hospital, my sister completely disregards my wishes and calls my cousin and invites her to visit me and the baby in the hospital. As soon as she told me, I immediately told her to call back my cousin and tell her that I am not feeling well (which was true) and to tell her that I was not up to having visitors. My sister did call her back and took full responsibility and apologized to my cousin. My cousin was already on her way and my sister said that she sounded hurt but understanding.
A few weeks later, I called my cousin and everything seemed ok. I would've invited her over to see the baby then, but the baby had a virus and fever and so obviously I didn't want visitors then-my cousin seemed understanding. Around that time, I had also emailed my cousin some baby pictures and a short email. She never responded to my email. I hadn't been feeling well since the birth so it took me a few weeks more to call my cousin again. (For some reason, I am always the one making the phone calls). So I call my cousin and leave her a vm. A few days go by with no response so I call her again and leave another vm saying that I would love for her to come visit and meet the baby. Again no response. After another week goes by, I call her yet again and leave another vm and she finally texts me that she will call me the next day. She ends up calling my sister then next day and my sister asks her whats going on. She proceeds to tell her that she's been really hurt about not being able to visit me in the hospital and that its really weird that I didn't want anyone visitors. My sister apologized again and tells her that she should've listened to me in the first place and respected my wishes and that its nothing personal and that I am just being overcautious given all that i have been through. According to my sister, my cousin seemed somewhat understanding but still kinda hurt and my sister again invited her to come visit the baby. When they hung up, it was left kind of vague and no date was set for her to come visit the baby.
I had been considering emailing my cousin again to apologize saying that i never meant for her to feel bad, etc, but the more I think about it, the more i realize that i did nothing wrong and I am not going to apologize to her. I have been made to look like the bad guy and its not fair. I believe that she owes me an apology for never responding to my email or asking how me or my baby are doing. I have been so distraught over this and crying every day at a time when i should be happy. I love my baby so much and want everyone in my life to feel the same way-especially my family.
At this point, I have no idea what to do because I feel that I've done everything I can. I feel like she has blown this way out of proportion and is being a drama queen. Honestly, in my opinion, i think she needs to get over herself and get over it already. This is not about her, this is about me and my child. It should have never have gone on this long. I really don't think that I can look at her in the same way ever again. Ultimately, I'm extremely disappointed and hurt.
Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? Is there anything else I should do? Thank you in advance.
Here's some background:
Last year I had a miscarriage and 4 months later, I was blessed with another pregnancy. I had a very difficult pregnancy and had to see a high risk dr for the duration of my pregnancy. It was literally one complication after another and I was constantly either calling my dr or going in to the office to make sure that my baby was ok. I was put on bed rest for the last trimester. It was an extremely scary time in my life. I thought i was going to lose my baby on a regular basis and therefore, I could not enjoy my pregnancy. Thankfully, everything turned out ok and I delivered a perfect, healthy baby a few months ago.
Here's the situation:
My cousin was aware of all that I was going through and seemed understanding. She never married and has no children so she doesn't know first hand what its like to be pregnant or have a child. My sister has been helping me the whole time. I told my sister prior to giving birth that I did not want any visitors to the hospital because I was nervous with all the germs and given all that I had gone through during my pregnancy, I was scared of something bad happening to my baby. I am a first time mom and whether anyone agrees with me or not, its my decision. Anyway, while i was still in the hospital, my sister completely disregards my wishes and calls my cousin and invites her to visit me and the baby in the hospital. As soon as she told me, I immediately told her to call back my cousin and tell her that I am not feeling well (which was true) and to tell her that I was not up to having visitors. My sister did call her back and took full responsibility and apologized to my cousin. My cousin was already on her way and my sister said that she sounded hurt but understanding.
A few weeks later, I called my cousin and everything seemed ok. I would've invited her over to see the baby then, but the baby had a virus and fever and so obviously I didn't want visitors then-my cousin seemed understanding. Around that time, I had also emailed my cousin some baby pictures and a short email. She never responded to my email. I hadn't been feeling well since the birth so it took me a few weeks more to call my cousin again. (For some reason, I am always the one making the phone calls). So I call my cousin and leave her a vm. A few days go by with no response so I call her again and leave another vm saying that I would love for her to come visit and meet the baby. Again no response. After another week goes by, I call her yet again and leave another vm and she finally texts me that she will call me the next day. She ends up calling my sister then next day and my sister asks her whats going on. She proceeds to tell her that she's been really hurt about not being able to visit me in the hospital and that its really weird that I didn't want anyone visitors. My sister apologized again and tells her that she should've listened to me in the first place and respected my wishes and that its nothing personal and that I am just being overcautious given all that i have been through. According to my sister, my cousin seemed somewhat understanding but still kinda hurt and my sister again invited her to come visit the baby. When they hung up, it was left kind of vague and no date was set for her to come visit the baby.
I had been considering emailing my cousin again to apologize saying that i never meant for her to feel bad, etc, but the more I think about it, the more i realize that i did nothing wrong and I am not going to apologize to her. I have been made to look like the bad guy and its not fair. I believe that she owes me an apology for never responding to my email or asking how me or my baby are doing. I have been so distraught over this and crying every day at a time when i should be happy. I love my baby so much and want everyone in my life to feel the same way-especially my family.
At this point, I have no idea what to do because I feel that I've done everything I can. I feel like she has blown this way out of proportion and is being a drama queen. Honestly, in my opinion, i think she needs to get over herself and get over it already. This is not about her, this is about me and my child. It should have never have gone on this long. I really don't think that I can look at her in the same way ever again. Ultimately, I'm extremely disappointed and hurt.
Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? Is there anything else I should do? Thank you in advance.
Re: Please help! I feel like I'm losing a member of my family
Have you, yourself, actually told her that you didn't want ANY visitors? If not, then I would. Let her hear it from you the same things your sister said. She might feel like she's being lied to. So... tell her what your sister told her. You yourself - take the "blame", so to speak - on that front.
And I have to ask- WHO has come to visit? Who have you seen? I ask because while your cousin is being told "no visitors!" and this list of reasons why, but then she's hearing how Aunt Ethel came to see you two days later.
Now, granted, 2 days later you may have been feeling fine and it was a different situation. But to your cousin's point of view - she may feel like you're mad at her and you've purposely been avoiding her.
This is why I say "be careful" about the attitude of "she owes ME an apology!!!!".
Explain the situation and ASK her if there is something else she's upset about and try to get her to tell you what her perspective is.
If you've tried this, though, and/or she doesn't respond to this - then maybe it is time to back off and let time handle this and see what happens down the road.
When you are feeling better, ask her to lunch and then encroach the topic. Only she can tell you for sure what's going on. GL.
Also, do you know this cousin to be a drama llama? If not, more reason to work with her, not against her.
I guess that the only thing i can do now is back off. I mean, 4 apologies is enough and any more than that and I'm groveling which I refuse to do (although I kind of feel like I've done that already). At this point, I'm really hurt because she still hasn't seen my baby or even asked to see more pictures. She hasn't asked how the baby or I am doing. She has still not reached out to me or my family, we've been the ones reaching out to her because we do care. She never even commented on the pictures that I did send her. Nothing. Its hard not to keep thinking about it and every time I do, I start crying because I'm starting to really believe that she doesn't care about me at all. Are her hurt feelings really worth losing a family member over? I just don't understand her but maybe thats because I'm not the type to hold a grudge.
PS. My baby is 5 months old now.
:-*