How to deal with a liar

JosieS65 · August 2014

My daughter in law is a liar. She lies about little things and big things. Has always, and my son knows it but deals with it. Currently she has a job she hates, so she has told my son she is going to start going to school full time for a program that is not offered at the school she says she is going to attend. Allegedly she has a guaranteed job for when she is finished, in 10 months. I have both emailed and called the school and have found there is no such course. The reasons I checked, by the way, are 1. her track record, 2. we are going on an extensive vacation for 6 weeks and during that time she is going to be working and going to school a total of 70 hours a week and 3. it's an unusual program and I am curious about it. My son tries to work at home, but he does the child care while she is working, and so will be responsible for the care of their 3 1/2 year old and 16 month old during that time...70 hours a week plus travel time. Anyone with children that age knows what it's like, and these are both high spirited boys. At least when we are here I can help out a couple of days a week and I often take the older one home overnight. My son said--about the class, not our trip--that he can deal with it because "there will be money at the end of it".

Our trip of course was planned long before this all came up, and cannot be cancelled without serious financial penalties.

I hinted to my son that the course may not be offered there, by telling him I looked online (which I did). I did not tell him however that I investigated further, and I don't know if I should. I am too much involved in their lives (I know that's a no-no) because we own the house they live in, and he needs lots of help in other areas, but I do stay out of their personal life and especially out of what she does.

I think perhaps she is going to be taking a course in a much less lucrative area, and at the end get a job in that field. I can't imagine why she thinks she can hide that later, but thinking ahead is hard for her.

My question is: should I tell my son more of what I learned? If we weren't going away, I'd bide my time. But since we are...

Thanks.

TarponMonoxide · August 2014

JosieS65 said:

My daughter in law is a liar. She lies about little things and big things. Has always, and my son knows it but deals with it.

You mean your son DENIES it.

I have a grown sibling who is the same way --- he lies about everything and has done so for years.

It wouldn't hurt for him to see a professional about her lying. This is not good --- who knows what else she could be lying about?

It is not easy to cope with, having a liar in your immediate family.

Currently she has a job she hates, so she has told my son she is going to start going to school full time for a program that is not offered at the school she says she is going to attend. Allegedly she has a guaranteed job for when she is finished, in 10 months.

I find this very hard to believe --- I know of no school that guarantees a completed job. They may offer job placement assistance, but get you a signed sealed and delivered job, no.

What is really behind this claim she is going to be going to school, when in fact there is no school at all?

The only way for him to find out what's going on is to get a PI involved. Where is she going and what is she doing during the time she claims she has class?

I have both emailed and called the school and have found there is no such course. The reasons I checked, by the way, are 1. her track record, 2. we are going on an extensive vacation for 6 weeks and during that time she is going to be working and going to school a total of 70 hours a week and 3. it's an unusual program and I am curious about it.

This is...very odd. Why in heck would she lie about this?

My son tries to work at home, but he does the child care while she is working, and so will be responsible for the care of their 3 1/2 year old and 16 month old during that time...70 hours a week plus travel time. Anyone with children that age knows what it's like, and these are both high spirited boys. At least when we are here I can help out a couple of days a week and I often take the older one home overnight.

My son said--about the class, not our trip--that he can deal with it because "there will be money at the end of it".

Your son is hopelessly in denial.

I don't know about you but I'd be hitting the roof if I found out my spouse flat out lied about a job training program. The program does not exist???

Does he know there is no job training program?

You need to tell him and tell him this right now.

Our trip of course was planned long before this all came up, and cannot be cancelled without serious financial penalties.

I hinted to my son that the course may not be offered there, by telling him I looked online (which I did). I did not tell him however that I investigated further, and I don't know if I should. I am too much involved in their lives (I know that's a no-no) because we own the house they live in, and he needs lots of help in other areas, but I do stay out of their personal life and especially out of what she does.

I think perhaps she is going to be taking a course in a much less lucrative area, and at the end get a job in that field. z

If you actually believe this, you're in some kind of denial also.

I can't imagine why she thinks she can hide that later, but thinking ahead is hard for her.

I wonder just what it is she WILL be doing during "school time." Wow -- is it possible she may be up to no good, or having an affair? I can only guess at what she will be doing during the alleged time "school" is in session.

My question is: should I tell my son more of what I learned? If we weren't going away, I'd bide my time. But since we are...

Something is wrong with this picture.

I don't know what your son's been lied to about but this one would do it for me. This would be a dealbreaker for me, if my spouse cooked up a lie like this one.

What is she planning on doing when "the class is over"? How is she going to explain it away?

It's imperative he know what is going on. This guy needs a wakeup call and he needs to get out of his denial about his wife's lies. GL.

JosieS65 · August 2014

Thanks. He won't leave her because she would get the children, there isn't anything she has done that would prevent that. So that's why he stays and/or is in denial. He doesn't trust her to take care of them on her own.

And he's had his problems and she stuck with him.

Supposedly a dr. offered her the job, not the school. But yes, I agree. How could that be?

There is a school, just not that program. I would think she is going to go to that school in a different program. She did a semester at a local university (finishing her bachelor's although she had told all of us she already had it. another lie. He caught that because of someone she was going to school with, but she was going to school.

Of course you would hit the roof, so would most people. She is quite a piece of work. She's pleasant, attractive, easy to get along with. But very irresponsible and of course, a liar. My son says he will be out of it in 16 1/2 years.

Oh yes, why did he have children with her? The first was relatively early in their relationship---they've been together 5 years. The second? She was on birth control when she got pregnant. Right.

A PI is not a bad idea. Thanks.

Ilumine · August 2014

How does he KNOW that she will get the kids?

TarponMonoxide · August 2014

JosieS65 said:

Thanks. He won't leave her because she would get the children, there isn't anything she has done that would prevent that.

She is a patent, pathological liar and possibly mentally ill! you are not emotionally healthy if you lie constantly.

There is no guarantee she would get complete custody. None at all whatsoever.

So that's why he stays and/or is in denial. He doesn't trust her to take care of them on her own.

No, he is in denial because it is status quo for him -- this is also enabling and a codependency. My opinion is he needs to take the kids and go and file for divorce --- because of the lying: that is a dealbreaker.

And he's had his problems and she stuck with him.

Supposedly a dr. offered her the job, not the school. But yes, I agree. How could that be?

Nobody's offered her anything at all.

The big mystery is what she is going to be doing "During school."

There is a school, just not that program. I would think she is going to go to that school in a different program. She did a semester at a local university (finishing her bachelor's although she had told all of us she already had it. another lie.

And wouldn't hat be cute if her employer called the school and found out she was the recipient of no such degree!

This chick needs help badly --- too bad you and your son cannot scrape up the guts to give her a wake up call. She needs professional help.

He caught that because of someone she was going to school with, but she was going to school.

Of course you would hit the roof, so would most people. She is quite a piece of work. She's pleasant, attractive, easy to get along with. But very irresponsible and of course, a liar. My son says he will be out of it in 16 1/2 years.

Then your son is not only a sorry guy, but a stupid one. What if she lied about their finances? or hid a drug problem? or stole from somebody? Sheesh, she's lied about everything! How can he possibly accept contining a marriage with her?

Oh yes, why did he have children with her? The first was relatively early in their relationship---they've been together 5 years. The second? She was on birth control when she got pregnant. Right.

Here is where it is possible to conceive even if you use a birth control method! No method is failsafe; the pill can be deactivated by antibiotics and other medication, there is also misuse of the product itself.

A PI is not a bad idea. Thanks.

He needs to leave her. Take the kids and go and file.

File on the grounds she is a fraud and lies constantly. You already have proof that she's lied about signing up for a school program.

I fail to see how life with a liar is a good one for a husband and children.

Erikan73 · August 2014

There is nothing you can do if all he is going to do is just go along and put with her lies. As long as those lies don't put him or their kids in danger, I don't think there is anything you can or so do. You said that the job was in a doctors office, maybe she just needs to take a few courses to be qualified to handle medical billing. In the mean time, all you can do is go on your vacation & try to enjoy it and when you get back, continue like you normally do and help watch the kids occasionally.

Leftie22 · August 2014

I understand your frustration about this, but honestly, I think you're too close to the situation to see it for what it is. Your son is a grown man, so you need to give him his share of the responsibility in this. He chose to have sex without using a condom, and they chose to have another kid after that (unless you think she "tricked" him twice?) and there's obviously a reason he's staying. He probably tells you he's staying for the kids because it sounds noble and then you won't question him or butt in. Accept that this is the person your son chose. You don't have to like her, but it's not for you to tear her down. He's caught her lying before, and he's still there. Also, if she really does go to school and get a job, is that so terrible? Yes, it's weird that she's lying about what program, but it's not like you discovered she was selling crack or something. I think you need to butt out, accept that your son will make his own life, and you may not like his choices. Otherwise, you'll bad mouth his partner, he'll stay and his relationship with you will get awkward. Sorry, I know the situation sucks, but you have to put some of the responsibility on your own son.

R.Wilsonny · August 2014

I'm going to play devils advocate here because we usually do not get the MIL's coming onto this board with issues. But really now, OP - what makes you think that anything that goes on in your son's marriage any of your business? You come here blasting your DIL claiming she is a liar and even went so far as to call the school she's supposed to be attending to check up and see if she was telling the truth - are you serious???!!! GTFO of here with that shit. If I were your DIL, and your son, I would be livid that you have the balls to be a meddling pain in the ass. You clearly don't like your DIL, but this is who your son chose and you need to accept that. If it really is true what you say and your DIL is this evil, your son eventually will figure it out - just let things run their course. But ultimately you need to mind your own business.

Ladies of this board - so many times we get the DIL coming here complaining about their meddling IL's and you give the advice that it's usually an H problem, not the IL's and here we have a perfect example.

Again, OP, if it's true what you are saying, there isn't anything you can do because it's not your marriage and regardless, it's not your business either. Butt out.

R.Wilsonny · August 2014

Leftie22 said:
I understand your frustration about this, but honestly, I think you're too close to the situation to see it for what it is. Your son is a grown man, so you need to give him his share of the responsibility in this. He chose to have sex without using a condom, and they chose to have another kid after that (unless you think she "tricked" him twice?) and there's obviously a reason he's staying. He probably tells you he's staying for the kids because it sounds noble and then you won't question him or butt in. Accept that this is the person your son chose. You don't have to like her, but it's not for you to tear her down. He's caught her lying before, and he's still there. Also, if she really does go to school and get a job, is that so terrible? Yes, it's weird that she's lying about what program, but it's not like you discovered she was selling crack or something. I think you need to butt out, accept that your son will make his own life, and you may not like his choices. Otherwise, you'll bad mouth his partner, he'll stay and his relationship with you will get awkward. Sorry, I know the situation sucks, but you have to put some of the responsibility on your own son.

I wonder if OP's DIL lied about what program she is doing at school because MIL wouldn't 'approve' or would say a job in whatever field it is doesn't pay enough money. Or something like this. I still can't get over the fact that MIL called the school to check - that's seriously overstepping boundaries there. Makes me wonder how many other boundaries she's overstepped in her son's marriage. MIL seems to be too involved and honestly, it might just be easier for her to be lied to just to get her to back off.

Ilumine · August 2014

to add on to @R.Wilsonny, who is to say that the OP's SON isn't the one that lied?

maybe you couldn't find the degree because she told her husband that it was information you did not need to know, so he lied to you because, well he wanted to palm off the kids on you again but could not tell you why.

Ilumine · August 2014

And one more point. You need to get over your...I don't know what it is...with your DIL, Son and their management of the kids.

Your derision over your DIL's job forcing your son to work from home just oozes out with a very clear, in your face "this is wrong".

If your Son doesn't like working from home then he and his wife (you know, the parents) can do what every other 2 working parent couple does. They get daycare. They do not have Grandmother come in and take their child for weekly, nightly visits.

And honestly, if the kids are "spirited" enough that they are forcing Grandmother to come over and care for them, then maybe, just maybe there is a parenting issue with the parent who is with them the most.

You rarely see working father's get blamed for their children's poor behavior. WHY, because people understand that, for the most part its the mother's fault BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONE AT HOME WITH THE CHILDREN MOST OF THE TIME.

My husband works normal hours and I am a SAHM. Therefore my child's behavior is a direct reflection of how I parent her during the day time hours. DH can only do so much if he only sees my DD for 2 hours at night vs my 10 hours during the day.

So please stop thinking that this is your DILs fault.

Leftie22 · August 2014

R.Wilsonny said:

I understand your frustration about this, but honestly, I think you're too close to the situation to see it for what it is. Your son is a grown man, so you need to give him his share of the responsibility in this. He chose to have sex without using a condom, and they chose to have another kid after that (unless you think she "tricked" him twice?) and there's obviously a reason he's staying. He probably tells you he's staying for the kids because it sounds noble and then you won't question him or butt in. Accept that this is the person your son chose. You don't have to like her, but it's not for you to tear her down. He's caught her lying before, and he's still there. Also, if she really does go to school and get a job, is that so terrible? Yes, it's weird that she's lying about what program, but it's not like you discovered she was selling crack or something. I think you need to butt out, accept that your son will make his own life, and you may not like his choices. Otherwise, you'll bad mouth his partner, he'll stay and his relationship with you will get awkward. Sorry, I know the situation sucks, but you have to put some of the responsibility on your own son.
I wonder if OP's DIL lied about what program she is doing at school because MIL wouldn't 'approve' or would say a job in whatever field it is doesn't pay enough money. Or something like this. I still can't get over the fact that MIL called the school to check - that's seriously overstepping boundaries there. Makes me wonder how many other boundaries she's overstepped in her son's marriage. MIL seems to be too involved and honestly, it might just be easier for her to be lied to just to get her to back off.

I was thinking that too. The DIL probably just wants some damn privacy and has to lie to get it. I also don't believe that her son is going to stay for another 16.5 years for the kids. And it really drives me crazy when people blame just the woman when an unexpected baby comes along. Don't want a baby? Participate in birth control. If you want to trust another person to be the sole user of birth control, you choose your consequences.

How to deal with a liar

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