Family Matters
fancyface22
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL Trouble
So I've got a problem and am not sure how to handle it. My DH and I recently moved to a different state, quite far away from our families. My parents are thrilled for us, MIL can't stop crying. Not only can she not stop crying, she's developed a pretty strong hatred of me. I "stole" her son away from her. My problem is this: I've helped her with setting up her Facebook, so I have all of her information stored in my computer. She's been acting pretty wretched to me lately, so I snooped. I know it was wrong, so please no lectures. And now I really wish I hadn't. I have no plans on calling her out for what I read, because it's my own fault I went looking for it. That being said-WOW. She hates me! She's telling family members that I'm forcing DH into fatherhood. I'm not, we've discussed it and want to start trying next year. She's telling them that I forced him into moving and he's miserable here. He's also not miserable; his job is pretty bad, but that's the only complaint he has. But that's not the worst. She is telling all of her family members that I'm a bitch, and she hopes he leaves me and comes home. And then after he comes back home to her she'll kick my ass. Um...what? I've done nothing wrong. All I've done is love her son with all of me. I guess my problem is that I don't know how to proceed from here. Obviously I went looking for validation that she has an issue with me, and boy did I find it. But how do I proceed from here knowing she feels that way? DH says she's just going through a hard time because she misses him. But to wish he'd leave me? That's a little much. Not to mention we're very happy together. It's not like he's miserable; so she's basically wishing unhappiness on her son just to satisfy her needs. I'm totally at a loss on how to proceed with her. Suggestions?
Re: MIL Trouble
Your H needs to stand up for you.
And tell his mother to cut out the nastiness and divisiveness toward you and him. That's right: if she is nasty and rotten to you, she is nasty and rotten to the both of you.
I see no evidence here that he is being a man and sticking up for you -- does he know his mother is doing this?
If he does not, I strongly suggest you tell him --- and that is where he needs to go to bat for you.
If he tells her to cut it out and she keeps this up and it gets sticky because now it is turning into something that can be defamatory, you may have to obtain an attorney to tell her to back down.
Life isn't meant to be lived this way.
It's essential that he tell her where to go -- and if he won't do that, this is an H problem, not a MIL problem.
As I said, she may be a little nuts ---- that is very possible. He needs to tell her to cut it out -- and preferably in the presence of you. GL.
Is he the only son?
I'll also bet he is the only child, too, and she's probably a widow or divorced and hasn't got a male companion. Very likely she used your H as more or less a husband substitute for all these years.
And this is what I hate about FB and the internet --- now she's going to turn this into an on-line hate fest and pissing match. All the more reason to block her and delete whatever info you have that is "hers." As I said, don't play this kind of mind game with yourself.
Um... yeah, partially a DH problem here. She's badmouthing you to family. That's not ok. She's painting you to be the bad guy. That's not o.k.
he needs to be backing you up and finding a way to deal with his mom. He needs to do/say something to her to make her "get it" that he's a grown man who actually does have a brain of his own and he works WITH you to make decisions TOGETHER about what the BOTH of you want for your futures. He isn't a brainless lump who has to be told what he's going to do with his life.
BUT the fact that she's bad mouthing you to family? That's NOT cool. And what he doesn't get - even if (IF) she chills out, the rest of his family isn't going to like you. Because of her and the lies she's told them. It's going to make for uncomfortable get togethers!
And FB? Put her on a restricted list and let her only see the bare minimum. No reason you need to sensor yourself.
It will also drive a wedge between you and your H. Nobody at all is supposed to be coming between you and he and he is also not to "forsake all others." By virtue of the fact he makes excuses for her, he's forsaking you.
Don't stand for this. Demand that he tell her to cool it.
ALso demand that you and he see a marriage counselor; he's got to cut the apron strings.
If he refuses to cut her down and if he refuses to get counseling, very bad news.
I can't imagine how terrible she'll be when we start having kids!
So you plan to be with him still in a few years???
I wouldn't think of TTC with somebody who cannot be a full partner with me. His place is with you now; YOU are his family and vice versa.
I suggest a counselor for you, stat: yu need to know what is healthy and what is not; none of this bodes well for you and your marriage.
I want to delete her from my FB, but he said that would only cause more problems. So now I'm forced to sensor myself just to keep her happy.
No. What you are doing is going along with what he says.
None of this is healthy and none of this is good. The bottom line is he is to take your side and that is no ifts ands or buts. His place is with you, not his mother.
The only other alternative:
Cut her off completely and profoundly: you don't answer her phone calls, emails or snail mails and you do not answer the door when she knocks on it.
Cutting her off is one thing but the big problem is you don't have a husband who is mature enough to stand up for what is right and he cannot stand up for you. You could move to TImbuktu at this point and never see her again but his problem will still exist.
Knowing that she was this problematic before you married him should have made you question whether or not it was even worth it to marry this guy: she was already nasty to you and he was not standing up for you then.
So as you can see: marriage doesn't cure a guy like that.
And you also need to realize that YOU have a voice too. She bad mouths you to the family? Well- then screw it. Unfriend her. It will piss her off? So what? Who's she going to bitch to? Oh yea, the people who she's already said nasty things about you too. Either they'll just continue to think you're a bitch. OR they are going to realize MIL is nuts.
But.... either way, does it matter?
Stand up for yourself. Show your DH that you're done w/ her and how she treats you. Stop walking on eggshells aroudn BOTH of them.
And seriously- DO NOT wait until you have kids to do something about this.
Poor form on the MIL's part and poorer form than that on the part of the OP's H. He's got to stand up for his wife.
Family can get under your skin and I am willing to bet this was the kind of household where he grew to understand that the unhealthy atmosphere in it was the norm --- all the more reason for the OP's H to get counseling and in a hurry.