do you lend (give) money to family?

formerlyGDaisy09 · August 2014

H's sister has gotten herself into a mess. the breif version of a long story is that SIL married a guy she dated for about 9 months when she was 21, he's in the military, they immediately moved away and very soon after she got pregnant, she has been a SAHM for the past 3 years, they bought a house, but are behind on their mortgage. They are now going through a very messy divorce (he cheated on her, it's not clear if she cheated on him), she now has a retraining order against him, and she says he is not giving her any money to support herself or their child...big mess. SIL lives on the other side of the country, and only calls when she needs something. My last interaction with her was a conversation in which I was berated for not spending enough time with FIL and MIL.

She's called H twice this week and asked us to send money (a few hundred dollars, right now). She says she'll pay it back, however I know that if we give her money we should just kiss it goodbye. I'm curious how many of you have lent money to family before? I'm worried that she'll continue asking for money if we do send her some cash or hold it against us if we don't send money. We have lent her money in the past, it was never repaid. She is not good with money (has multiple smart devices with data plans, gets monthly manicures, spends money highlighting her hair, eats out all the time, buys coffee everyday, etc. etc.). I guess it's not really my business to know why she needs the money, but at the same time, if we're giving her money because she's just not smart about what she has are we really helping her. I'm trying not to sound judgemental when H and I are talking about this, but I'm struggling.

brij2006 · August 2014

You are exactly correct with your thoughts about giving her money. If you're lending her money, then you have a right to know what it's being used for.

If you truly want to lend her the money then do so by paying a bill for her, sending her a gift card to a grocery store, or giving it with strings attached. Saying, I will only give you this money if you promise to put together a budget or take Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. Then I would also not have it be something she pays back. Tell her that this is a gift to help her get back on her feet, and this is the only money she will be receiving. Then stick to that.

Otherwise I would just tell her that you are sorry, but you aren't in a position financially to be able to help her out right now.

Me personally, I would never lend money to a family member. That's just asking for judgement, feuds, and tension at Thanksgiving.

jessica490 · August 2014

There is one easy answer for this and it's NO

Nobody's ever asked us to borrow money, but I would only give my sister a little bit if she really needed it (I'm talking less than $100 bucks)

emily1004 · August 2014

That is a very personal decision. In our family, if someone needs money it is never loaned. It is given. It's usually from parents to kids. Everyone says you should never give/lend money to family or friend. Our family values our different. We take care of our own.

Xstatic3333 · August 2014

I was in a similar situation a few months ago with my SSIL. We decided not to give her any money. I'm not saying I would never help out a family member, but I think it's fine not to. If you want to do something, I'd suggest putting conditions on it like @brij2006‌ recommended. The fact is she's going to need to make some changes. Sadly, a few hundred dollars won't save her house.

Sisugal · August 2014

I have both lent and given money to family members. HOWEVER, the first qualifying point to do so is that they are responsible with money overall.

MommyLiberty5013 · August 2014

We have not given money to family members because it has never come up, but we might if we knew they were responsible and had just fallen on a tough spot.

OP, if I were you, would I give money to your SIL, nope not a chance.

Mom987 · August 2014

Nope

CuriousKiddosMama · August 2014

We have never loaned to a family member because it has never come up, but I wouldn't in the situation you are describing. It's just like giving a drunk a drink- you are enabling her bad $ decisions. If you want to do something, tell her you will enroll her in Dave Ramsey financial peace university, and if she goes to all of them, then you will help her by doing X. (Matching debt payoff, helping pay a necessary monthly bill, etc.) and I would only do that part after you've discussed her budget with her.

smbenevides1989 · August 2014

I agree with others, especially since she has a hard time paying back/misusing money. Personally, in my family, we each help each other out. My parents were in a pickle and asked to borrow a small sum of money. I allowed it and they pay me back. But like I said, it's a personal decision and it should only be made if the reason is there.

FabulousMrs.P · August 2014

We haven't lent any money to anyone in our family. I think it would depend on the circumstances. If I felt that someone was just going through a rough time but doing everything possible to help themselves, then I would be more willing to help. If someone just wants a handout but wants to continue to live spending money on "wants" instead of needs, then they wouldn't get my money.

I think that you are looking at it in the right way though. You have to expect that the money is not coming back to you. From an outside view, it sounds like giving her money is enabling her, but I also understand it is his sister and that can complicate things. If your husband wants to give her money, I would agree upon an amount you feel okay giving (not expecting repayment) and then cut her off. If she calls, she doesn't get any more. Or, if you can get him to agree to it, then choose to give her nothing but your emotional support in this tough time.

jlaOK · August 2014

We no longer loan/give money to family after being burnt by BIL.

If she is really struggling I would send her an occasional gift card to help buy groceries and other essentials for her kid. I would also encourage your DH to help her create a budget and offer to act as an accountability partner.

als1982 · August 2014

In your situation, no, I would most definitely not.

maple2 · August 2014

We have never lent or given substantial sums of money to family, but both DH and I would be willing to do so if someone needed it. All of our family is pretty responsible with money, though, which I am sure affects my response. Also, we are in a position to offer some assistance without sacrificing anything that I wouldn't consider a "want." In your situation, I'm not sure what I would do. You don't want to enable bad or irresponsible habits, but there is also a child involved who has no control over how money is spent but has to live with the consequences. I would probably try to find a way to help that I knew would benefit the child.

formerlyGDaisy09 · August 2014

So H feels really strongly that we should be sending her money. I asked what she needed it for and he got offended but said that she needed money to pay for gas. I told him we could send her a gas card or two, but I doubt she needs to buy hundreds of dollars in gas.

she has been out job searching, but is being picky about jobs....i feel like if you're asking for loans from family and there is a child involved, you take whatever job you can get.

abrewer5 · August 2014

To me it depends on the situation. I would lend my parents money if they needed it and I'd also lend my sister money. For example she saw bed room furniture she wanted on a facebook swap group today, but they're in the process of purchasing a house, so I offered to pay for it and once they settle she can pay me back. I know the banks frown on large purchases, but I also knew she'd pay me back.. and if she didn't I've been looking for a new set

In this situation though I would not lend the money, if she really needed money that bad I think she'd get a job as well. I agree with previous posters that if you send anything send gift cards for food/gas, so you know she can't blow it on unncessary stuff.

Xstatic3333 · August 2014

Gdaisy09 said:
So H feels really strongly that we should be sending her money. I asked what she needed it for and he got offended but said that she needed money to pay for gas. I told him we could send her a gas card or two, but I doubt she needs to buy hundreds of dollars in gas.

she has been out job searching, but is being picky about jobs....i feel like if you're asking for loans from family and there is a child involved, you take whatever job you can get.

Yes, 100%. Take a job now and then keep looking for your perfect job. Gah.

I think gas cards is the best compromise, but I'd let her know it's the last time.

als1982 · August 2014

If your sister feels she has the luxury of being picky about jobs and is still getting manicures and Starbucks, then she is in want of your money, not need.

She is never going to learn to be responsible for her own finances and personal decisions if she keeps being enabled and bailed out by others.

I'd send her a gas card, and *maybe* a care package of items like TP, diapers/wipes, toothpaste, shampoo, body wash, laundry/dish soap, etc.

brij2006 · August 2014

als1982 said:

If your sister feels she has the luxury of being picky about jobs and is still getting manicures and Starbucks, then she is in want of your money, not need. She is never going to learn to be responsible for her own finances and personal decisions if she keeps being enabled and bailed out by others. I'd send her a gas card, and *maybe* a care package of items like TP, diapers/wipes, toothpaste, shampoo, body wash, laundry/dish soap, etc.

Do you think your H would go for that idea?

Sorry he is still wanting to lend her money. Mine would be the same way and it would definitely cause an arguement in our house.

FabulousMrs.P · August 2014

Since he is still insisting on helping her out, get some grocery store/cvs gift cards and gas gift cards. Then you can say you helped, but you also know that the money is at least going towards essentials.

SlurpeeLove · August 2014

I agree that gift cards are the way to go. Or, if she's concerned about paying her bills, I would ask for her online logins or for the name of the company so you can send them a check on her behalf. No cash.

My family is more financially responsible than that. I would lend to my sister in a heartbeat, but I wouldn't expect any money back. Her and I are doing the Dave Ramsey Baby Steps together, though. So it's a bit different.

formerlyGDaisy09 · August 2014

Thanks all, H seemed to accept the gas card idea. I would never ask family for money, so I don't understand it at all. However H's sisters seem to think it's acceptable, and that it's what family does (ie. family helps family, no questions asked)

I have a feeling this won't be the last time we're asked for money (this is not the first bad marriage this sister has had to be "saved" from). I'm hoping that if we don't set the prescedent that we'll send money it may deter her from asking again in the future.

formerlyGDaisy09 · August 2014

this is getting ridiculous, turns out she needs a few hundred because she has a 70 minute commute to this new job. that makes no sense! I have a hard time believing that she couldn't find some way to come-up with that cash (sell the iPad, sell some baby clothes LO doesn't wear anymore, if her soon to be ex-H is adulterer she says he is, sell some of his stuff) or find someone to carpool with.

I suggested we send her $50 in gas cards, thinking she just needs to get to work for a few weeks until she gets her first paycheck and H came back with "we need to send her more, she'll be driving 100 miles a day". how is that our problem?

good thing I have cocktails planned for later.

Xstatic3333 · August 2014

Gdaisy09 said:
this is getting ridiculous, turns out she needs a few hundred because she has a 70 minute commute to this new job. that makes no sense! I have a hard time believing that she couldn't find some way to come-up with that cash (sell the iPad, sell some baby clothes LO doesn't wear anymore, if her soon to be ex-H is adulterer she says he is, sell some of his stuff) or find someone to carpool with.

I suggested we send her $50 in gas cards, thinking she just needs to get to work for a few weeks until she gets her first paycheck and H came back with "we need to send her more, she'll be driving 100 miles a day". how is that our problem?

good thing I have cocktails planned for later.

Yikes! Yes, cocktails are your friend. I'm glad she found a job, but yeah, that's not your responsibility.

jessica490 · August 2014

So not your problem. Make him take that out of his own fun $

JoanE2012 · August 2014

Nope, never loaned money to family or friends. I think if you do, you should expect to NOT receive the money back.

beetee123 · August 2014

I think it just depends on the person/people. If my parents asked for money I would consider lending it to them because I know 100% that they would pay it back (plus some probably) when they got the chance. Although I know my parents would never ask us for money because they are usually pretty responsible financially, so maybe that's why. I definitely would not lend money to my older sister and BIL because they actually stole money from my parents in the past, so I just don't trust them like I may trust someone else. In general, I don't think it's good practice to lend out money to anyone especially if you think you'll ever see it again. My dad still complains about some guy that owes him $2,000 from probably 10-12 years ago.

do you lend (give) money to family?

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