Living on a Budget and Friends Who...Don't

Xstatic3333 · August 2014

Since it's been slow around here lately, I hope you'll all indulge me in a vent, commiseration, cheese and whine party...

We've been living on a written budget for almost a year now. Each paycheck we each get $100 for "fun" money. This covers and combines the categories a lot of your refer to as "entertainment," "mad money," "alcohol," "eating out,"or "blow money," and from what I've seen of the rest of your budgets I think we give each other more than most than most others on the board. Each of us is free to use it however we want, but often we spend it on doing stuff together. We don't have that many totally separate interests and hobbies. If we have a big social event coming up like a wedding or girls/guys weekend we budget to cash flow that separately, and the same goes for SCUBA, hiking, or other occasional hobby expenses.

Since we moved a lot of friends have wanted to make plans to come see our place. We're both onlies so our friends are super important to us, and we're grateful to have them. However, this is getting expensive. We've had a couple of times where people drop in unannounced and we've already spent our fun budget for that paycheck, or we're planning to eat in but people really want to go out (we're in a decently fun city), etc. Is there any socially acceptable, polite way, to say "we can't do that because we didn't budget for it"? It feels pretty disingenuous and insensitive to say "we can't afford it" when we're actually doing okay, but we really do want to stick to our budget to meet our greater goals. How do you all deal with this? My go-to technique is pre-eating before meeting people at restaurants and just getting desert, but when the hanging out is planned last minute sometimes event that is a budget buster.

I'm pretty excited about living on a budget and improving our finances, but a lot of my friends aren't, complain a lot about money, etc. and I just don't know how to stick our budget without being rude. Can any of you identify? It's too bad we can't talk openly about money IRL like we do on this board!

brij2006 · August 2014

We have a hard time with this too, but so far I've found the best way to handle it is to be open with them about it. We flat out tell our friends that we are on a strict budget to take care of our debt, and it isn't in the cards to go out. However, we can pick up some groceries from the store and go out for a drink afterward at this great martini bar or for ice cream somewhere. It still allows us to do things with them that are "out on the town" but we will order just 1 martini and split it or one of us will offer to be the DD and that way there's no worry about 1 of us buying drinks.

We're big weekend travelers, and most of our friends live 1.5 to 8 hours away. So it's been very hard telling them no to visiting them. This weekend we're driving the 8 hours to see 1 set of friends, but we're carpooling with another couple. So we budgeted $200 for gas, tolls, and any food. We also told them that the only way we could afford to come out and visit was if we didn't go out for food. They were just fine with it, and we're pitching in for groceries for the weekend. We will also pack a meal to eat in the car for the ride out there and the ride back to save money on not grabbing fast food.

Our best way so far has been to be open with it. We've also found that many friends we tell about why we're saying no, they are understanding and say that they should be doing the same but just don't have the courage to talk about it.

vlagrl29 · August 2014

We are both only kids too and friends have always been important to us. My BFF has been in NY for a few years now so I only see her every 4-5 months, so when I go out with her I don't really feel bad about it. On occasion we will try and do a double date with some mutual married friends of ours, but really since having a kid we don't spend as much time out so that may be part of why we don't have this issue.

We are having a bbq patio party in a few weeks and are inviting friends and family to it. You can do things like that without it getting expensive.

I do remember on one occasion a friend of ours decided to eat out with his wife at an expensive restaurant and we didn't realize that until he told us, so we decided to meet them there for a dessert afterwards. We had a newborn and really couldn't afford the extra money at the time.

Sisugal · August 2014

"Our budget is really tight right now, AND we L O V E to spend time with you. How about we do _______ instead?" Fill in the blank with your low/no cost alternative.

You do not need to feel embarrassed,nor explain your finances. Often being more open and honest is not only informative, but is "freeing" to the other couple who think they need to "keep up with the Jones'". For most people it is all about sharing time together and not the specific activity that is of primary importance.

jlaOK · August 2014

Our friends know how we've strict we've been the last few years. They used to tease us (in good fun) about it but I think now that they see us reaching our goals they know it's been worth it....it could also be because it's "old news" by now.

We always go with them but maybe split a meal/appetizer and/or don't order drinks.

Our group is also really open with finances. We don't talk specific number of salary, debt, etc. but we do talk about planning to pay off student loans, or saving for a big vacation, etc.

formerlyGDaisy09 · August 2014

We have a couple in our group who are not so budget consious....their finances are tighter than ours, but they often will use that against us when we decline to do things because they don't fit in our budget. for example they arranged a huge white water rafting trip this weekend (last minute, otherwise we would have been able to budget for it), but because they're feeling the budget strain of paying for a family of 4 to go on this trip they keep saying "we get it, but you should still come it's going to be totally worth it"

I made up some lame excuses about needing to work on things at home (which is true, but if I'd had time to budget we would have been all for this trip), even though we're feeling a little sad for missing out, it'll feel better not having blown $200 on rafting, $100 on gas, and who knows what on food and alcohol. (granted it's labor day weekend I may end-up sepending money on paint since our bedroom needs painting and paint is usually a good deal this weekend).

uncreatedsnow · August 2014

I'm just really open about my budgeting and debt-related goals, so if a friend wants to do something and I say, "sorry, that's not in the budget" they mostly understand. I do usually offer up a suggestion I'm comfortable with or ask if we can do that "next pay" and then budget for it and it's almost never a problem.

Though I will say, most of my friends have said that they are envious of my budget skills and wish they could do that too, so many are in the same boat or understand that I have priorities and I'm not just blowing them off so it works.

Xstatic3333 · August 2014

Wow, it's awesome how many of you are just open about budgeting! Maybe we should try that. I feel guilty using that reasoning because we're not strict TMM people, and sometimes the budget involves saving for something fun, but now that I think of it a lot of my friends will mention saving for vacations as a reason for tightening their budgets and I never judge them for it. We do budget to see our friends a lot and say yes to many invitations. It's really the last minute stuff that's the challenge.

True Confessions Time: When I was 22 and just out of college, I was pretty irresponsible. I was spending without abandon and often ran out of money. Most of my girlfriends at the time made a bit more than me, so I often had to decline their invitations due to money and made a lot of obnoxious "I'm so poor" jokes. We ended up having a falling out for a number of reasons, and they mentioned hearing that I was always out of money while seeing me spend on other stuff as one reason for breaking off our friendship. I was crushed by the whole thing, and I think it's a big reason that I hate talking money with friends now.

lifeonthehill · August 2014

H hates sharing numbers but has come to terms with the fact that if we say we can't because our money is tied up elsewhere people are going to want to know where.

We live at a boarding school and are in our earlier 20's. We hang out with friends at least 3 nights a week. We try to stay on campus but there are some nights everyone wants to drive the 20+ minutes it takes to go to the bar and we try to scrape some money together to go but a lot of times we turn them down.

At this point our close friends know we are very MM. We have a money countdown on or fridge of how much we have left to save to meet our next goal and they congratulate us when they see a new goal on the board.

They do get upset when we turn them down multiple times in a row to go out but we just offer to cook a big spaghetti dinner the next night to change up the routine and it makes everyone happy.

hoffse · August 2014

H and I have a pretty terrible time with this. Most of our friends assume we can afford just about anything they propose, which just isn't true. We make good money, but we also have significant monthly obligations. Besides, I would rather save for a house project or a vacation than spend $100 on a night out.

We also get it from co-workers. H hasn't even started his new job yet, and the partners he will be working for are already encouraging him to spend money lavishly. I think their words were something like this, "Your wife works, and you don't have kids! The world is your oyster!" Ha - no. H gets it, thankfully, but it's hard to explain to people that our financial situation doesn't necessarily meet their expectations.

I have found that using vacation savings is a great excuse. We do like to travel, and nobody can really argue with us when we point out that international travel > drinks... again. Recently I've also been able to use the house as an excuse. There are a lot of expenses involved with getting a house set up, and nobody can really begrudge you the fact that you will want to spend some money to make it your own.

I think as long as you accept with enough notice, people understand when you tell them you can't really go out at the last minute because you're saving for trip X or you are paying for project Y on the house.

Xstatic3333 · August 2014

Work situations are definitely super tricky. I was at a local conference yesterday and downed a PBJ quickly before accompanying everyone else to lunch and just sitting there. It's frustrating to have social work obligations that aren't covered.

MommyLiberty5013 · August 2014

I think it's all in how you communicate it and the words you use. You don't have to say things like "we're living on a budget" or "we're poor" or "we're digging out of debt." These all sounds so negative.

You can say things like "we have a goal to save for XYZ and we have great momentum," "our financial planner has advised us to stick to this savings plan (even if your "planner" is Dave Ramsey, Suze Orman, David Bach, etc.).

Always be ready with fun alternative ideas for outings and for eating options. Like, "We want to spend time with you, however, this restaurant/bar isn't in our list of choices now, but I heard about ABC place getting rave reviews."

Quite honestly, if your friends aren't at most enthusiastic about your goals or in the least accepting of them, well then, honestly, they aren't good friends. Good friends share and understand one another's burdens, dreams, and goals.

brij2006 · August 2014

The work situations are worse than the friend ones. I feel like I can tell my friends what we're doing and why, and if they judge or side-eye us for it then they aren't true friends.

With work I will just tell them that I already had my lunch packed or that I brought something that won't keep if I don't eat it. It really helps that I'm gluten free and finding food at restaurants isn't easy to do. So I'm always packing my own meals.

For conferences or training outside the office, I'm that girl who has her lunch packed in her car and finds a park to eat at. My 1 co-worker actually loves this, and now asks if she can go with. Occasionally the entire team will grab what they want from a restaurant and then join us at the park and we eat together.
When it's completely unavoidable, then it just comes out of our eating out budget and I keep it under $10 for the entire meal. Which is usually ordering an appetizer or a cup of soup as a meal.

JoanE2012 · August 2014

In addition to the PP's ideas, can you funnel a small amount of your "fun" money to a "unexpected last minute fun" envelope? This way, when things come up out of the blue and you want to partake, you can pull the money from there and not ruin the budget.

Xstatic3333 · August 2014

JoanE2012 said:
In addition to the PP's ideas, can you funnel a small amount of your "fun" money to a "unexpected last minute fun" envelope? This way, when things come up out of the blue and you want to partake, you can pull the money from there and not ruin the budget.

I like this idea! We don't use physical envelopes in general, but I think for this it might be a good idea. I'm envisioning $10 a paycheck going into a cookie jar in the kitchen or something like that.

strickland8052 · August 2014

We used to have this problem too, but I feel like it has gotten much better. By now, my friends just basically understand that we are cheapos.

I don't think I ever really sat down and had a conversation with them about it or even said "no thanks. we can't go to dinner tonight because it isn't in the budget". I think I just started talking (in general, casual conversation) about how we wanted to be more frugal and have set a goal of only eating out once a week.

I also started inviting them to do more free/cheap things. Now we go on walks or have dinner at our houses. Since we see each other through these activities, I don't feel so bad about declining their invitations to do non MM things.

Living on a Budget and Friends Who...Don't

Re: Living on a Budget and Friends Who...Don't

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Living on a Budget and Friends Who...Don't

Re: Living on a Budget and Friends Who...Don&#039;t

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: Living on a Budget and Friends Who...Don't