Family Matters
niabiaxxmoi
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In-laws
Disclaimer: I don't know if this double-posted, so I apologize if it did.
I would like to say that I think my in-laws are generally nice people. I live in the downstairs apartment in their home, which is fortunate since most young couples on Long Island cannot afford the rent. My in-laws are Polish immigrants that speak English pretty well. That being said, my MIL occasionally has parties or friends over and expects my husband and I to join. We don't like to go to them often because the following: I end up awkwardly sitting and staring into space because everyone else is speaking Polish; she invites complete strangers; or we already have plans. She tries to subtly manipulate us into staying saying that we should eat the food because their is enough for everyone, or that the guests are "our guests". I find myself getting rather irritated at the latter.
It wouldn't be so bad if my in-laws attended functions when my mother is there. I know my mom tends to talk a lot and can be a Negative Nancy at times, but what do you expect when the woman's husband died two years ago of Alzheimer's and she's currently taking care of a melodramatic 90-year old blind woman? Each and every time we plan a BBQ, my in-laws suddenly have a party of their own or they are conveniently going away for the weekend. I know that there are coincidences, but nearly every time in 4 years? The only times they have met alone with my mother was for Thanksgiving last year and three times for wedding planning. (I recently married this past July. I was engaged since February of 2013.) Perhaps, they feel embarrassed by their English (which is waaay better than my Spanish)? I can't believe that because basically all of the people we invite are people they already know.
Do I have a right to feel upset? I'm at the point where I don't care anymore. I'm going to suggest to my husband that we go out of our way to super avoid their events unless it is a holiday or special family event.
Re: In-laws
You have ever right and reason to tellt hem to can the Polish: it is rude, not needed and makes those who cannot speak Polish be outsiders.
And sit them down and ask them why they seem to have other things to do when you invite them to an affair. You've got every right to be pissed.
Stand together on this. GL.
Don't mix in your mom into this. what goes on w/ her is actually immaterial. This whole situation isn't "tit for tat". They can't force you to socialize with them anymore than you can force them to socialize w/ your mom. Your DH married YOU, his parents didn't marry your mom. There really is no obligation that they must spend time with her.
That being said - you need to talk to your DH about his moms expectations and you need to be willing to say "no". Is your DH on the same page or does he kowtow to his mom and go because he's afraid to say "sorry, we're busy"?
If it's the latter, then yes, this is a DH problem. But it's still a YOU problem too. If he wants to go, let him go. You can stay at home. Yes, you can actually do this! If you all start saying "no" sometimes (but to be gracious, say "yes" sometimes too), she'll stop expecting you EVERY time.
The language thing - while you don't understand them, do ALL of their friends speak English? Part of the reason they may be speaking in Polish is that some of them don't speak English or speak it poorly. To try and demand "you must speak in English" might alienate other people.
HOWEVER, it's very, very reasonable for you/ your DH to say "these events aren't enjoyable for nia because she doesn't understand polish. We understand why you all speak in Polish, but as you do, nia isn't going to stay for long when she does come.".
Don't make demands - just speak the simple truth.
And I live on Long Island too, btw - not sure if I understood you correctly about the living situation - but unless you are living in this apartment rent free, I call bullshit that you can't afford a different apartment. I've been on the island for a good portion of the time I've been in NY and you can find a place for anywhere from 900-1500 a month (or more) but that all depends on how big of a place you are looking for etc....you def can find a small one bedroom for 900-1000$ a month though if you really look. If you can't handle living underneath your IL's and I don't blame you, then the only solution here is to move.