Mom the manipulator (A rant about parents)

Re: Mom the manipulator (A rant about parents)

• TarponMonoxide member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  LadyAnnibal said:

  Ugh! So my mother is driving me insane! I'm dating an amazing guy who takes care of me and treats me like a princess. He's got a son and can be a bit snarky (but who isn't). He's everything my mother has ever asked for in a man.
  
  Just recently she moved to Florida and we decided to move in with her to help her get her life together but by helping her we are putting ourselves in the hole.
  
  This makes no sense.
  
  If she is ready, willing and able, she should have remained on her own.
  
  You never ever should have agreed to move in with her. Very bad choice and positively wrong.
  
  Do not move in with anybody unless there is a specifically good reason (example: you are in horrific financial dire straits and you need to get on your feet moneywise before you can live on your own) -- and even then, there should be a definite set of rules that need to be followed: when you will be out of there, etc.
  
  You made a big mistake. ASAP find other lodging and get out of there.
  
  And it really is pious of you to cry the blues on this: Oh, wow, mom is driving me and my boyfriend apart! She's so huffy and we don't know what to doo.... Oh yes you DO know what to do: Move the hell out immediately!
  
  You know what time it is: find another place to live and that is asap. Enough is enough of your mother and her interference. Move out --- what have you got? clothes and some personal effects?  Get a moving van and DIY and do it when she is not there. Let her figure it out herself.
  
  We can barely afford to gas up our car let alone take care of her.
  
  Why are the 2 of you so foolish --- support her???  You cannot afford her! All the more reason for you and he to get out of there asap.
  
  And doesn't she work? What's going on with that?
  
  She is able bodied: let her find A JOB.
  
  She won't take care of herself or my siblings
  
  Very bad news...and wow, are your siblings --- presumably younger than you! --- in this home, too? Wow, that's a whole lot of cooks in the soup!
  
  And where is your father in the midst of this? if your siblings are not of age, this is a whole other story. And not a good one, either.
  
  and all she does is constantly talk about my boyfriend behind my back but is nice to him to his face. He's not stupid, he knows that she's talking about him and he knows that she's manipulating the situation.
  
  So why come, then, is he willingly being party to her nonsense, instead of moving out of there with you? What the heck is wrong with the both of you? you are allowing her to get the upper edge
  
  Moreover, why haven't you told her to STFU when she started this mess and all out campaign against your boyfrkend?
  
  When this bullshit began, I am surprised he didn't pack it in and take off and leave you behind in the dust. He would have been 100% in the right to say goodbye and find another girlfriend, one who can stand up FOR him.
  
  This isn't a  healthy relationship you have with your mother..
  
  This is a codependency and you are enabling her...all the more reason why you need to get out of there now. This is not a normal mother-daughter relationship.
  
  You also have communication problems with your mother and your boyfriend -- and this is also an immaturity issue on your part. And again, this also shows me you are not ready for a serious commitment: you cannot stand up for him! That's vital in any relationship!
  
  Every time I talk about moving out with my boyfriend she starts sassing me about how she moved here for me
  
  
  For love of Mike: JUST MOVE OUT AND DON"T SAY A WORD! Let HER figure it out for herself.
  
  and how she is gonna be mad if I move in with him, she doesn't think I should get attached to his son, he can't take care of me and blah blah blah. Just a bunch of ignorant stuff.
  
  At this point in my life I'm 22 years old, I'm going to school, I've got a great job, and I've been living on my own for a year. I sacrificed my freedom for HER and here she is acting like I owe her something.
  
  Sacrificed your freedom for your mother?
  
  Nope...sorry, sis, but this is ON YOU. You willingly chose to do this.
  
  You can also undo it. And I suggest you do.
  
  You are a bit too young to be settling for a "serious" relationship. Very few 22 year olds are ready for a committed relationship.
  
  Why can't you find your own place and live in it on your own -- every single person should; it's a world of experience for you! --- and date around and then get serious with a guy perhaps 5 years from now???
  
  I think you are moving way too fast with this guy and that he's got a son is a lot for a 22 year old to handle.
  
  Her ways have finally sunken under my SO skin and now he's snapping on me which is causing us to start arguing amongst each other and tearing us apart which is EXACTLY what she wants! I don't know what to do.
  
  Specifically WHY it is a bad idea to move in with anyone -- and a bad idea to have people move in with you.
  
   I don't want to just leave my mom by herself but I'm also not going to let her ruin my life with her manipulation.
  

  Huh?
  
  What do you mean you don't want to l eave your mom by herself???
  
  Tomorrow, here is what you do -- in addition to moving out of there and getting a place MINUS your mother's bullsiht:
  
  Get a therapist.
  
  You have a ton of guilt surrounding your mother's well being -- if you are 22, I am guessing she may be 50 years old tops. That is not old; that's an age where people are still up and at 'em and having the time of their livfes.
  
  Your mother doesn't need you. She's willing and able.
  
  Don't let her lord the guilt trip over on you.
  
  As you can see, you are putting your mother first --- that is what you are doing -- and sure your SO is going to be pissed....and this is another reason why you're not ready for a serious relationship: you haven't cut the apron strings. YOu're letting her manipulate you and order you and your SO around.
  
  Get out of there asap and get another place to live, preferably on your own minus your boyfriend.
  
  I strongly suggest both of you life apart --- you're moving way too fast and it's a fantastic idea for you to be on your own, just to experience independence as a single girl. Get a female or male platonic roommate if you can't handle expenses alone.
  
  
  And above all:
  
  Get a therapist who will help you cut the apron strings. Do this for your own good. And make sure those strings are cut before you commit to anybody.
  
  IF you got married "in this kind of condition" where you haven't broken away from your  mother,  wow, would this be trouble for you and for him. This would put quite the rift between you and it will destroy your marriage.
  
  Wishing you luck.
  

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• artbyallie member

  

  September 2014

  You need to get out, but to a place of your own. Not only for your own sake but for your boyfriend's child. He does not need someone moving in with his dad unless it's going to be a truly committed deal. Involving marriage, preferably, which you are likely not in any way ready for at 22.

  
  

  How old are this boyfriend and his kid, anyway?

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