is it worth keeping a friendship with a family member?

Oakley716 · September 2014

To the point, I have a family member whom I was extremely close to growing up, but had a falling out with shortly after we graduated HS. It's been several years and we are now both in our early 20's. I've often gone back-and-forth, wondering whether or not I should be trying harder to reconnect and rekindle our friendship. We had a pretty bad falling out, where he said some really hurtful things about me and generally flew off the handle. We had some sporadic contact after that, but not much else. The thing is, it's been a few years, and I miss not only his friendship, but also having the stress-free family interaction. It's not that easy to navigate friend issues and blowouts when you happen to share the same family! :○) He and I now live several states apart, so while I don't have to interact with him on a daily basis, I still have the usual "holidays/barbecues/funerals" scenario to deal with, not to mention pressure from my family to make things right, so to speak. My question is, is it really worth trying to preserve a relationship just because someone's family?

Wulfgar · September 2014

My thought would be to extend an olive branch and try to patch it up so that the two of you can be at family events without incident.

I am not that close with my siblings. I am slowly rebuilding my relationship with my brother. My sister has always lived States away so we don't talk or see each other that much. There is many reasons for this.

Then again, part of it is how my parents brought us up where my parents in my eyes have always put themselves first and pushed us children to be independent of them. It worked too well. Then again, there are months that my parents are so busy that we can't get activities so that they can see their grand son.

hoffse · September 2014

I think it's one thing when you don't naturally have a close connection to somebody. My H, for example, pretty obviously (to me) prefers one brother over the other. He would never admit it, and he tries not to show it but H and his little brother would have been friends outside of the family. H and his older brother would not have been friends - they simply don't have enough in common.

On the other hand, I also think it's a bit ridiculous to let one fight determine the course of the rest of your relationship together, especially when it's someone you naturally connect with. Family can say some very hurtful things. Teenagers in particular can say some very hurtful things. It sounds to me like you are allowing a single fight from high school - albeit a bad one - to dictate the course of your relationship into your 20's. I don't know about you, but I'm a vastly different person now than I was in high school. H is as well - we met in high school, and no way would I have married him back then. He was kind of a jackass when he was 18 if I'm being 100% honest. And I was so competitive that I would have taken just about any advantage to be first in everything back then. We've both mellowed out a lot in our 20's, and 10 years later we're completely different people.

Don't hang onto high school drama. It gets you nowhere. There are ladies in my hometown who are in their 40's and 50's (moms of girls I grew up with) who were so concerned about what happened to them 30 years earlier that they used it to dictate who their kids could and couldn't play with... because the mom of Johnny said something rude back in 10th grade. It's absurd.

You must allow for the fact that in the years following high school, most people will probably change to some degree. Some will change in significant ways. Plenty of people realize later on that they were little snots when they were teenagers. I actually had an ex-boyfriend apologize to me for some major high school drama he caused when we randomly ran into each other after graduating from college.

So no - just being family doesn't mean you have to be close. But it sounds like you guys would have been close if it hadn't been for this fight. I think you need to let it go.

Oakley716 · September 2014

I appreciate all your responses so far. I think there was a bit of a misunderstanding though. It's not ME who is holding on to the fight, it's my family member. Earlier this year I did extend the metaphorical olive branch, but he is apparently insisting on waiting for me to verbally flog myself before he can condescend to renew our relationship. I throughly apologized for my part in the situation, and gave him the old "hey, I still love you and care about you and would like to make up and be friends". I'm the kind of person that loathes conflict among family, and will go to great lengths to assure things stay peaceable. My problem isn't me, per say, but my butt-headed relative. I'm at the point where it's very uncomfortable for me to think about attending family get togethers. I don't enjoy having to "hideout" from my family because of someone who can't get off their high horse and make peace. I'd do just about anything to have this all blow over, but he isn't the most mature person and doesn't always handle things like the grown man he is. He'd rather have me debase myself at his feet, and then continue to play mind-games, of which I am so sick and tired of. I guess I'm just frustrated and don't really know where to go from here. Simply put, I'm a "past stays in the past" kind of gal, and he's the the sort that seems to throughly enjoy holding grudges over the most trivial things.

SlurpeeLove · September 2014

Well then, according to your update, there isn't really anything you can do. Don't avoid your family events and just kill him with kindness. Either he'll get mad that he can't get to you anymore or he'll give up and start being nice back. Just don't play into it.

short+sassy · September 2014

Thanks for the clarification, OP. You've already tried to mend things and he unfortunately was not receptive. You can't change him, but you can change how you react to him. Don't let him ruin family events for you. I know it is easier said than done, but try to pretend it is all water under the bridge...even if it isn't for him. Don't necessarily avoid him but, at the same time, keep your interactions short and superficial. Be pleasant and polite, but not necessarily warm.

I suspect someday he will stop holding a grudge and you all can resume a closer relationship...but he is not there yet.

l9i · September 2014

IMO sometimes it's not worth it, particularly if it's a one-sided interaction (sounds like you want the friendship more than they do). I've ran into this issue with my sibling. There was a time when they had poor influence in their life and for whatever reason I was some bad person and they still hold onto these stories. I've tried to make amends simply for the fact of family gatherings but everytime I've been shut down. So at some point you have to cut your losses and say it's not worth the effort. You can't force it upon the other person. Now at family gatherings I say hi, but we pretty much do our own thing. It is what it is.

VOR · September 2014

short+sassy said:

You can't change him, but you can change how you react to him. Don't let him ruin family events for you. I know it is easier said than done, but try to pretend it is all water under the bridge...even if it isn't for him. Don't necessarily avoid him but, at the same time, keep your interactions short and superficial. Be pleasant and polite, but not necessarily warm.

I agree with this 100%. Don't give him the power here to "ruin" family get togethers. Be pleasant but otherwise, basically ignore him. Focus on the people who you do like and get along with.

As for the people who pressure you to make things right - first, stop talking about this with them. Second, when THEY bring it up, keep it simple "I've tried, he's not ready". Period. They push/ask questions - just say "I'd rather not discuss it. So, how was your weekend?".

And if he's an ass to you at events, walk away. Just walk away from him.

You - and EVERYONE - has to realize that you can't force a relationship, especially when the one party is pretty clearly not interested in doing so.

is it worth keeping a friendship with a family member?

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