Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Unhealthy relationship?
Really long! So sorry! There's just a lot going on. Hopefully the dramatic nature keeps it from being too boring. TL;DR at bottom
Here's the basic problem: My brother is 18, I'm 21. He's been dating a girl one year his junior for almost a year now. He confides in me a lot and is giving me information that suggests they are in an excessively codependent and perhaps unhealthy relationship, considering their age. My opinion is that while this level of dependence might be more okay in a 30 year old married couple, 18 year olds should be learning to take care of themselves as individuals first. I don't know if I trust my judgement though because myself, my boyfriend and my parents (the only other people I've talked to about this) are much more low maintenance than average when it comes to relationships so we're very quick to say "Woah, that's too much". I wanted to see what a wider range of people thought. So here goes!
They started dating in high school and always spent a lot of time together. He would bring her to and from school with him sometimes, even taking her to her therapy appointments as necessary. They'd spend the whole weekend together. It seemed like a lot, but he had plenty of friends who were spending even more time with their girlfriends. As it turns out, she struggles with some mental health issues and often needs him to come over immediately and comfort her. He is more than happy to be the shining knight in these instances. They had sex (first time ever for both) 3 weeks into the relationship - he called me the next morning to share - which I don't think is damnable, but suggests that they were moving kinda fast. I came home from college for Christmas and on Christmas Eve (they'd been dating 2 months) and he told me that if I heard any strange noises in the night, I shouldn't investigate. I of course knew what he was planning so I grabbed the Fire Escape Ladder and stashed it in my room. My mom saw me rolling it up and pretty quickly figured out why I had it. My brother became apoplectic and we spent an hour arguing about how he doesn't have enough freedom and "it's not fair". Everyone was either crying or pissed and he kept pushing to be allowed to bring his girlfriend over for sex in the house. His willingness to risk starting such a catastrophic fight on Christmas Eve so he could visit his girlfriend in the dead of night was the first sign that he didn't quite have his priorities straight.
Over the summer, she went to be a counselor at a camp in a different state for 4 weeks. He decided he had to visit her 2 weeks in, bringing my parents with him. Shortly before going to see her, she told him that she wasn't sure if she wanted to see him after all and was considering staying an extra 2 weeks as well. He was pretty saddened (I mean, who wouldn't be?) - though she changed her mind eventually - and they broke up and got back together a few times during that month. Though everything seemed fine eventually, we could all tell that their difficulties with being apart for 2 weeks might not bode well for college
Then it was time for him to go to college. The one great school in our home city did not accept him, so he considered going to the local community college and transferring until we convinced him to go to a very good school an hour and a half away. He was told that he shouldn't be expecting to come home more than once every 3 weeks and he agreed to that. Up till now, he's been "formally" coming home almost every week because tests haven't started, but he just told me that he has been secretly coming back in between those visits as well (spending a considerable amount of time and gas money in the process). Most recently, he came on Tuesday to celebrate their "11 monthversary" even though he's also visiting on Friday because "the last time I wasn't here for our monthversary, she broke up with me". My parents and I are all worried that he's going to totally miss out on a lot of important college stuff and inevitably hurt his grades (and they don't even know about the secret visits!) if they continue to be so miserable when separated for a week. It really feels like his girlfriend is his absolute #1 priority at all times and everyone else and all of his responsibilities just fill in the gaps between their time together.
Other random tidbits:
-he spends a lot of time and money making her presents and buying her things even when there is no occassion. Then he gets worried that "I'm the only one doing anything for the relationship"
-she competes for a team at their high school and was going to be gone for a tournament during a weekend that includes her birthday, their anniversary and a concert they wanted to see together. He asked me if it was okay to ask her not to go to the tournament because he felt like the events were important and she never sacrifices things to spend time with him.
-normally i'd just say "not my business" but he asks for so much advice and input from me that I just can't keep my opinions to myself when I see him get way too committed way too young.
-they've been overheard being a bit emotionally manipulative with each other. Her to my brother about him going to a graduation celebration: "I know you have to go... but I wish you wouldn't... but I know you have to... but I really wish you didn't have to..."
(TL;DR: brother lies to parents and comes home from college to visit girlfriend multiple times a week. He has a history of picking big fights with our parents while living at home about his freedom with her and the two of them have a history of instability when they can't see each other every few days. All in all, just a lot of problems with needing each other and not knowing how to get through a bad day on their own. I don't even recognize him anymore because it appears that he's lost all resilience)
So here's the question: Do I let my parents know about the extra weekly trips he's been making to see her and let them decide if they want to have a serious talk with him? If it matters, they are funding his education and giving him enough of an allowance to cover 1 trip per month. He told me not to tell them, but I also told him after the Christmas fiasco that I didn't want to be put in the middle anymore and I was possibly going to pass anything else he said on to them. I've talked to him about it a bit myself but I think the more people telling him "Hey man, that's a red flag", the more he'll listen.
What do you all think? Is it within the normal range of 18 year old behavior or does it go too far? To be fair, I obviously just picked out the bad stuff to keep this from being monstrously long. They've done a lot of good for each other as well. On balance, he's a good kid - everyone has bad days. If it seems "bad but not too bad" I'll probably just keep it between him and me. But if the consensus is that it's unhealthy, I'll consider escalating a bit.
Here's the basic problem: My brother is 18, I'm 21. He's been dating a girl one year his junior for almost a year now. He confides in me a lot and is giving me information that suggests they are in an excessively codependent and perhaps unhealthy relationship, considering their age. My opinion is that while this level of dependence might be more okay in a 30 year old married couple, 18 year olds should be learning to take care of themselves as individuals first. I don't know if I trust my judgement though because myself, my boyfriend and my parents (the only other people I've talked to about this) are much more low maintenance than average when it comes to relationships so we're very quick to say "Woah, that's too much". I wanted to see what a wider range of people thought. So here goes!
They started dating in high school and always spent a lot of time together. He would bring her to and from school with him sometimes, even taking her to her therapy appointments as necessary. They'd spend the whole weekend together. It seemed like a lot, but he had plenty of friends who were spending even more time with their girlfriends. As it turns out, she struggles with some mental health issues and often needs him to come over immediately and comfort her. He is more than happy to be the shining knight in these instances. They had sex (first time ever for both) 3 weeks into the relationship - he called me the next morning to share - which I don't think is damnable, but suggests that they were moving kinda fast. I came home from college for Christmas and on Christmas Eve (they'd been dating 2 months) and he told me that if I heard any strange noises in the night, I shouldn't investigate. I of course knew what he was planning so I grabbed the Fire Escape Ladder and stashed it in my room. My mom saw me rolling it up and pretty quickly figured out why I had it. My brother became apoplectic and we spent an hour arguing about how he doesn't have enough freedom and "it's not fair". Everyone was either crying or pissed and he kept pushing to be allowed to bring his girlfriend over for sex in the house. His willingness to risk starting such a catastrophic fight on Christmas Eve so he could visit his girlfriend in the dead of night was the first sign that he didn't quite have his priorities straight.
Over the summer, she went to be a counselor at a camp in a different state for 4 weeks. He decided he had to visit her 2 weeks in, bringing my parents with him. Shortly before going to see her, she told him that she wasn't sure if she wanted to see him after all and was considering staying an extra 2 weeks as well. He was pretty saddened (I mean, who wouldn't be?) - though she changed her mind eventually - and they broke up and got back together a few times during that month. Though everything seemed fine eventually, we could all tell that their difficulties with being apart for 2 weeks might not bode well for college
Then it was time for him to go to college. The one great school in our home city did not accept him, so he considered going to the local community college and transferring until we convinced him to go to a very good school an hour and a half away. He was told that he shouldn't be expecting to come home more than once every 3 weeks and he agreed to that. Up till now, he's been "formally" coming home almost every week because tests haven't started, but he just told me that he has been secretly coming back in between those visits as well (spending a considerable amount of time and gas money in the process). Most recently, he came on Tuesday to celebrate their "11 monthversary" even though he's also visiting on Friday because "the last time I wasn't here for our monthversary, she broke up with me". My parents and I are all worried that he's going to totally miss out on a lot of important college stuff and inevitably hurt his grades (and they don't even know about the secret visits!) if they continue to be so miserable when separated for a week. It really feels like his girlfriend is his absolute #1 priority at all times and everyone else and all of his responsibilities just fill in the gaps between their time together.
Other random tidbits:
-he spends a lot of time and money making her presents and buying her things even when there is no occassion. Then he gets worried that "I'm the only one doing anything for the relationship"
-she competes for a team at their high school and was going to be gone for a tournament during a weekend that includes her birthday, their anniversary and a concert they wanted to see together. He asked me if it was okay to ask her not to go to the tournament because he felt like the events were important and she never sacrifices things to spend time with him.
-normally i'd just say "not my business" but he asks for so much advice and input from me that I just can't keep my opinions to myself when I see him get way too committed way too young.
-they've been overheard being a bit emotionally manipulative with each other. Her to my brother about him going to a graduation celebration: "I know you have to go... but I wish you wouldn't... but I know you have to... but I really wish you didn't have to..."
(TL;DR: brother lies to parents and comes home from college to visit girlfriend multiple times a week. He has a history of picking big fights with our parents while living at home about his freedom with her and the two of them have a history of instability when they can't see each other every few days. All in all, just a lot of problems with needing each other and not knowing how to get through a bad day on their own. I don't even recognize him anymore because it appears that he's lost all resilience)
So here's the question: Do I let my parents know about the extra weekly trips he's been making to see her and let them decide if they want to have a serious talk with him? If it matters, they are funding his education and giving him enough of an allowance to cover 1 trip per month. He told me not to tell them, but I also told him after the Christmas fiasco that I didn't want to be put in the middle anymore and I was possibly going to pass anything else he said on to them. I've talked to him about it a bit myself but I think the more people telling him "Hey man, that's a red flag", the more he'll listen.
What do you all think? Is it within the normal range of 18 year old behavior or does it go too far? To be fair, I obviously just picked out the bad stuff to keep this from being monstrously long. They've done a lot of good for each other as well. On balance, he's a good kid - everyone has bad days. If it seems "bad but not too bad" I'll probably just keep it between him and me. But if the consensus is that it's unhealthy, I'll consider escalating a bit.
Re: Unhealthy relationship?
This young lady has way too much baggage already --- this is biting off more than he can chew.
He should say goodbye to the girl and sow his wild oats, like the rest of the guys his age --- he needs to enjoy the college years and do things with his male buddies and get involved with groups and clubs on campus.
He needs therapy himself; this relationship isn't healthy and even if he breaks up for good with this young lady, the trend and pattern will continue: the girls he dates will be one and the same like his present girlfriend.