Do you keep your finances between you and your husband only?

Audz311 · September 2014

My husband and I just got married about 5 months ago. Thankfully we are both pretty good with money. We are not big spenders and not in debt. We're comfortable DINKs! (Dual income no kids). But, I have very strong opinions about our personal finances. My dad taught me that your finances should be between you and your spouse and no one else. And I've lived by that rule. I never discuss my salary with friends or family. I don't tell people how much I paid for a vacation. I don't tell people what I paid for my car. And I certainly won't talk about what my husband and I paid for our new house. To me, it's all personal and it is no ones business but ours. Though, my husband has no issue telling people what we bought our house for. He told his parents what my salary is. I won't even tell my own parents what I earn, much less his! (Yes, I was furious when I found this out). If I'm ever asked a question around money like this, I usually try to shake it off with some kind of funny laugh-off and say, "[Marie!] That's personal. You don't ask people that." Am I being ridiculous? Is sharing this level of detail the norm these days? At what point do you draw a line and say, "That is something I won't talk about with anyone but my husband"?

Thanks for your help in advance!

~Wife of a Englishman~

brij2006 · September 2014

We discuss our finances very openly with people, but we're also avid Dave Ramsey followers and believe his plan has changed our marriage and our family life. So we share our financial plan and picture openly. However, we never talk actual numbers. Nobody knows how much we make or what we pay for things. Although I do know that my parents know what we paid for our house. That is actually public knowledge and on public records. So all they had to do was look it up.

hoffse · September 2014

Audz311 said:

My husband and I just got married about 5 months ago. Thankfully we are both pretty good with money. We are not big spenders and not in debt. We're comfortable DINKs! (Dual income no kids). But, I have very strong opinions about our personal finances. My dad taught me that your finances should be between you and your spouse and no one else. And I've lived by that rule. I never discuss my salary with friends or family. I don't tell people how much I paid for a vacation. I don't tell people what I paid for my car. And I certainly won't talk about what my husband and I paid for our new house. To me, it's all personal and it is no ones business but ours. Though, my husband has no issue telling people what we bought our house for. He told his parents what my salary is. I won't even tell my own parents what I earn, much less his! (Yes, I was furious when I found this out). If I'm ever asked a question around money like this, I usually try to shake it off with some kind of funny laugh-off and say, "[Marie!] That's personal. You don't ask people that." Am I being ridiculous? Is sharing this level of detail the norm these days? At what point do you draw a line and say, "That is something I won't talk about with anyone but my husband"?

Thanks for your help in advance!

~Wife of a Englishman~

People have differing views on this, and I think it depends largely on how you were raised. My H's family doesn't talk about money ever - perhaps to a fault. H literally thought credit cards were things you used to "buy stuff you can't afford" until I corrected that misunderstanding in his early 20's. His parents never talked to him about that stuff at all, and he's had to figure it all out. I can almost say for certain that I'm the only reason he has a retirement account. He didn't know what they were until I told him.

I, on the other hand, probably overshare. I haven't told H's parents what I make, but my parents do know. Most of my colleagues know because it's set by the firm. I occasionally share when I got a good deal on something, etc.

I have a friend at work that I share a lot with. He's a year ahead of me in practice, and he knows what I paid for our house. He knows what I paid for our new hardwoods. He knows that I contribute to retirement. Likewise, I know what he is paying for daycare, and I know what his student loan payments are. I also know that he prefers Roth accounts over regular retirement accounts - we've discussed the tax advantages of them before. We tell each other these things because we're friends, and we are in a similar place in life - and frankly, we want to know that we are doing our due diligence with financial things. Both of us have similar views of money, and we are the ones that keep the books of our respective families. Obviously I will ALWAYS put my husband's opinion/advice over my friend's, but I mean... my friend and his wife bought a house before we did. It was helpful to know that our insurance premiums were in the same range as theirs. My H knows that I talk about this stuff with my friend, and he actually encourages it.

So I do share with some select people. I personally don't have a problem with it, and I think that if more people talked openly about money then perhaps we wouldn't have so many Americans with credit card debt or young people who are drowning in student loans. Even if we aren't sharing exact figures, I think money and personal finance is actually a very important thing to talk about. It bothers me that it's so taboo in some circles.

But not all agree. And I wouldn't share so much if my H was uncomfortable with it. If you have told your H that you don't want to share these details with anyone else, then he ought to respect that.

formerlyGDaisy09 · September 2014

We keep the details of our finances to ourselves. however, when speaking with close friends, broader details often are shared.

Just last night I was talking with a friend, my H works a lot, and we're fairly good with money. she and her H have been struggling to put a DP together for a home and her H's work situation isn't ideal. It was one of those "where does all the money go conversations" so I shared how we balance our SLs, Car payment, savings ETC. no real numbers were shared.

As far as how much you paid for your home, that's generally public record...if anyone really wants to know, they could find it. (zillow, town records, etc.). I agree that fine details of your finances, like your salary, loan debt, etc. are often better left unshared. But I have shared those things when friends have sought advise about ther own financial situation...the one I most frequently share is that we paid off $24K in H's CC-debt in 2 years.

At this point my family and H's family do not know what my salary is, I think H may have shared his hourly rates at both his jobs with his parents as he was explaining that we couldn't afford for him to loose either one at this point. My family ofent knows when I'm up-for or receive a promotion or raise, but they don't usually learn more than that.

hoffse · September 2014

One other thing - one reason my parents know so much about our financial situation is they helped us refinance some law loans (both mine and H's). Frankly, it was so much money that I felt they had a right to know that we could comfortably afford to pay them back, along with our other expenses. Anytime you borrow or take money from family I think that gives the family member a right to know what sort of financial situation you are in ("you" being universal, not the OP).

My parents' reaction to my budget was basically, "Looks good. We can refinance your loans for you. Keep doing what you're doing." And that was it. They weren't surprised by what we make. In fact, the starting salaries for our jobs are published on our employer's websites. Even if they hadn't been, it's not hard to google average salaries for X job and get some estimates.

My credit card bills also went to my parents house for years before I finally got a job and set out on my own. So again... it's not like they were surprised by what it costs to feed, dress, insure, transport, and entertain me (us). The folks on this board have shared budgets before, and many of us are pretty close to one another in a lot of categories. Average expenses are not a particularly well-kept secret.

juliebeannn · September 2014

We're pretty open about our finances. We don't openly share the specifics but if we're having a conversation about finances with some close friends, we haven't hesitated in sharing details. Many close friends and I have had conversations regarding our budgets and have shared our own personal spreadsheet templates with one another.

strickland8052 · September 2014

We are both pretty open about money talk between ourselves and other people. H is kinda quiet about money with his parents, but he is kinda quiet about all things with them. My thought process is that it is rude to ask others about their money, but it is OK to talk about your own money (as long as it doesn't turn into bragging or complaining). I also try to avoid naming numbers, unless someone just blatantly asks.

I wouldn't be too upset about H telling his parents how much you make. He probably just didn't realize that it was such a sensitive topic for you, since he himself is so open with it.

I also side with you in thinking it is perfectly fine to avoid talking about money with people other than your husband. Then again, if you have kids... you should probably have an open line of communication with them about the topic, so that they can learn about it.

Also, you may find situations when you HAVE to talk about money with your in-laws. My parents always put pressure on us to spend money on improvements to the house, and H's parents have pressured us to buy a new car (so they can buy H's old car). In those situations, it has helped to explain to them that we have a very strict financial goal (which does not include a car or home improvements). We told them that we are trying to save X amount so that one day we will be able to afford a baby. After we explained that plan, they have all cooled it with the "you need a new patio/car" talk, because they all want grandchildren more! haha

RosieC18 · September 2014

If you feel it's private, then that's fine and your right. Your husband should respect that and you two should come to an agreement about what level of sharing you're comfortable with and with whom.

However! I'm a big proponent of at least being open about salaries. The idea that talking about your salary us taboo pretty much only benefits your boss, and allows the wage gap to flourish. The more open we are about these things, the harder it is to discriminate, even on a subconscious level. I wouldn't want to have long discussions about it with my co-workers, but I think we should all know more or less where we stand.

Besides, all that lovely free market stuff everyone is so passionate about these days? Only works when everyone is using the same information. I can only know what's a fair wage (or house price or whatever) if I know what number other people are getting.

SlurpeeLove · September 2014

My sister and I share actual numbers because we're helping each other out of debt right now. But I don't think it's that big of a deal to share numbers. It doesn't take away from my ability to make my money or spend it how I see fit. If anything, it helps to compare that she's doing this and I'm doing that. I spend xxx in groceries each month and she spends xxx less than me.

No harm.

blondie42107 · September 2014

We are private. My MIL has asked my H about our salaries at various times. My H never tells. I'm pretty sure she gets it now.

My SIL however shares info with MIL and have borrowed money various times.

We've never asked for money so maybe she gets the point that way too.

Sisugal · September 2014

What you paid for your house is public record.
Many people's salaries are also is public record as are ours.
I talk about money with others if asked. I love a good bargain, and am willing to share my experiences of how to get the best deal, what we paid for the car, new bathroom reno etc if they ask.

I recommend reading Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach -- the first few chapters are all about your values, goals and emotional relationship with money. After answering the questions - you share answers which facilitates conversations. You will each gain a better understanding of each other where money is concerned. That will help you on many levels and come to agreements.

Who would not want to know where the best savings % rate could be found? Best loan rates? How to approach debt pay off? How to afford a luxury vacation for a lower cost? This all requires talking about money in a mature manner - not being intrusive, not bragging, nor offended if someone asks something you do not wish to divulge (there are nice ways to give a non-answer).

You can have 5 couples that make the same amount of money and you will still have 5 very different financial pictures in those households. Many things contribute to the differences. Some may feel stressed over their situation and others will feel flush with $. So a $ amount is not important to me, but how much you save is.
How you handle the money you have is more important that how much you make.

You need to get on the same page and then do what works best for the BOTH of you.

hoffse · September 2014

You are also asking a money board whether we talk about money outside of our marriages. While this isn't "real life," it seems to me that you will get more "yes" answers to that question on this board than you would receive on some other board that's unrelated to money. That's why we are all here - to talk about it. I know that some of the "conversations" I have on here spill over into my real life.

Wulfgar · September 2014

MW and I usually don't talk specific amounts with friends and family but we know relatively what income range my parents and her parents are in. More so with her parents.

I have no problems talking generally with my parents. Her parents are a lot more close lipped but we can tell that they are struggling.

blondie42107 · September 2014

I think there's a pretty big difference between sharing salary details, etc and talking general finances.

I have no problem saying that H and I save for retirement, we live within our means, that we are saving for a vacation, TV, etc. My coworker and I compared auto loan interest rates but neither of us disclosed how much our loans are.

I however feel that our salaries, amount in our savings, retirement, how much we pay for vacations, etc are very private.

als1982 · September 2014

We keep big numbers to ourselves, including salaries and savings/investment/retirement contributions and holdings, as well as vacations and even big ticket home purchases. Personally, I also find it uncomfortable when others share with me that type of information, especially because it's usually unsolicited. We'll tell our parents when we receive promotions, but don't talk numbers or even percentages. With friends, we typically don't even talk about promotions unless they notice those themselves.

lifeonthehill · September 2014

Nothing is private for us. We are naturally open books I suppose and people politely ask. We have helped a few friends get onto a better financial path by sharing our story and our numbers. We are in our younger 20's and I think we seem t have a more open view on things like this. We aren't looking to brag or gain pity with our discussions but talking about it has helped us stay on track and help others.

That's all that matters to me.

jtmh2012 · September 2014

We're faily open about everything. Not that we broadcast things, but if the topic comes up I don't have an issue sharing numbers. Especially if they're relevant and helpful.

Xstatic3333 · September 2014

I'm somewhere in between. I don't talk salary with friends, but would with my parents if they asked. Many in my friend group are pretty open about SL debt totals; I'll share mine if asked, but don't volunteer the total or ask others. I'll tell people what our house cost, no problem-usually in an attempt to get people to defect from Boston to our LCOL for the area but still fun city

What I don't like to share is what I have saved. I received a small inheritance from my GM and have made some choices with it (namely debt payoff and defraying my COL during school to avoid more loans) my parents wouldn't approve of. When they asked how much we put down on our house, my answer gave away that a lot of that money was gone, and it was super awkward. Also, I know many of my friends have little to nothing in the way of retirement or e-funds, and so while I mention in conversation that I save and it's made me feel great about the future, I don't share those numbers.

Overall, I do talk about budgeting and saving in general terms because they've made such a huge impact on my life. So many people are afraid to start, but it's not so hard and is so freeing to know you have a plan. I don't try to be obnoxious about it or anything, but I do like to chat about it.

That said, if your personal value is to keep all that private, your H should respect that. I think @Sisugal‌ has a great idea to read David Bach's book together. Good luck!

ETA I'm now remembering I did share my salary once with a friend in my field who was trying to evaluate a job offer. I also know what everyone at my job makes since we work off grants with the numbers published. It's a little awkward but you get used to it.

jessica490 · September 2014

H and I are open about sharing our finances with my parents and some close relatives. We are always looking for advice or better ways of doing things, and since they are all well-off, I want their opinions on things. I think H overshares info with his parents which makes me feel bad because they are pretty broke and I just don't want to make them mad or jealous.

As for friends, we don't share anything except for 1 couple in specific.

KatieCutie05 · September 2014

We are both pretty open... but at the same time we don't tell strangers our income. Close friends get some detail- family gets more.

My mom knows how much i make. And i think she knows how much DH makes too... they know how much we paid for our house, what we're paying for daycare, etc. I have no problem with it. My dad however doesn't get to know because he just thinks we're all rich just because of one number...

I do however get really embarrased when DH tells his family or friends how much student loans i have tho...I feel like they just look at me like "wow your really stupid - that must suck" and then at DH like "wow i feel bad for you"....Afterall its not like anyone is saying "you can do it" its more like a "well your screwed" statement that just makes me feel like crap. You have no idea the amount of shame that comes with this level of debt.

I'll give people details when its paid off - and not until then.

lifeonthehill · September 2014

KatieCutie05 said:

I do however get really embarrased when DH tells his family or friends how much student loans i have tho...I feel like they just look at me like "wow your really stupid - that must suck" and then at DH like "wow i feel bad for you"....Afterall its not like anyone is saying "you can do it" its more like a "well your screwed" statement that just makes me feel like crap. You have no idea the amount of shame that comes with this level of debt.
I'll give people details when its paid off - and not until then.

I can imagine that being really hard. My family felt bad for me for marrying into $33k of SL debt and I felt terrible for him. I don't know how much debt you have but I am sorry you have to deal with that.

formerlyGDaisy09 · September 2014

alyssa32713 said:

KatieCutie05 said:

I do however get really embarrased when DH tells his family or friends how much student loans i have tho...I feel like they just look at me like "wow your really stupid - that must suck" and then at DH like "wow i feel bad for you"....Afterall its not like anyone is saying "you can do it" its more like a "well your screwed" statement that just makes me feel like crap. You have no idea the amount of shame that comes with this level of debt.
I'll give people details when its paid off - and not until then.

I can imagine that being really hard. My family felt bad for me for marrying into $33k of SL debt and I felt terrible for him. I don't know how much debt you have but I am sorry you have to deal with that.

That's such a terrible thing for people to say. SL debt sucks, but for those who have it (raises hand) we deal with it best we can and hope that some day we're better off for it. It's all relative, my good friend who just finished medical school has $200K++ in SL debt, she thinks of it like a mortgage that will someday get paid off, but she is doing something that is important to her and makes her happy. it makes the $50K H and I are looking at look a lot smaller.

vlagrl29 · September 2014

Gdaisy09 said:

alyssa32713 said:

KatieCutie05 said:

I do however get really embarrased when DH tells his family or friends how much student loans i have tho...I feel like they just look at me like "wow your really stupid - that must suck" and then at DH like "wow i feel bad for you"....Afterall its not like anyone is saying "you can do it" its more like a "well your screwed" statement that just makes me feel like crap. You have no idea the amount of shame that comes with this level of debt.
I'll give people details when its paid off - and not until then.

I can imagine that being really hard. My family felt bad for me for marrying into $33k of SL debt and I felt terrible for him. I don't know how much debt you have but I am sorry you have to deal with that.

That's such a terrible thing for people to say. SL debt sucks, but for those who have it (raises hand) we deal with it best we can and hope that some day we're better off for it. It's all relative, my good friend who just finished medical school has $200K++ in SL debt, she thinks of it like a mortgage that will someday get paid off, but she is doing something that is important to her and makes her happy. it makes the $50K H and I are looking at look a lot smaller.

This is how I think of it especially since we don't have a mortgage.

VOR · September 2014

Im a "in the middle" person. I don't share my salary (although it is public as I'm a state employee), but if by talking about generalities, you can help other people save $ or make better informed decisions, why not? Being overly tight lipped I feel can be detrimental too. And to what a PP said, yeah, what you bought your house for is actually public record. In MD, there is a website that I can look up anyone's house and how much they bought it for.

Audz311 · October 2014

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I totally agree with some of you that talking general finances is different than talking specifics. My husband and I are both 30, and the only debt we have is our current mortgage. Credit cards...ect are all paid in full every month, and we regularly contribute to our various savings/retirement accounts. When you're younger and starting first jobs out of college--yes I suppose you share your salary with close friends because you're all excited about entering that stage in your life together. But 10 years after college I'm hesitant to share my (specific) salary (numbers) with friends as I don't want to make it sound like I'm bragging or make it sound like I'm fishing to know theirs to compare it to. And I would never out-right ask someone what they make unless there is a need to know. For example, I just got a new job and when my colleagues (at old job) asked if it paid more I replied with a smile and said, "yes, roughly 10%". They can assume what they want from that, and they get the hint that that's the most I will share. As for the parents.... mine knew what my salary was for my first job. I lived at home and they were helping me save. But 10 years on I don't share that info unless they need to know (i.e. if I need to ask them for financial help in some way). Before we were engaged my husband shared my salary (at that time) with his dad, and I found his dad knew because he kind of joked about it is a restaurant: "Hey, you can buy me my dinner tonight because you earn XX per year!". He was a few glasses of wine in at the table and I didn't appreciate that being announced in the restaurant like that. I guess the risk of loose lips is why I want to keep salaries between my husband and I only and share with parents/friends if needed, like for the reasons some of you gave above. Talking general...yep, no problem! "Put at least 10% of your pay check in savings; always pay your credit cards in full; our bank gives a good interest rate of X%...ect. But that is as far as I will go. After a long talk with my husband he finally saw my point. We've agreed that he can share his salary, but talking about mine is off limits.

takmjs · October 2014

Sorry for the long paragraph. I hate that with mobile, paragraphs don't work. My dad is a CPA and has always done his kids' taxes. Now that all 4 of us are 30 or older, he still does them, so he obviously knows how much me and my H make. My job salary is public knowledge. I saw my sister's tax return at my parents' house earlier this year, and was shocked at how much her H makes. She's a stay at home mom, and he's an accountant, but whoa, he makes about 3 times what we make. I knew he does very well for his family, but I was still surprised at the large number. And yet, my sister asked me how much you're supposed to have in savings (like an emergency fund). When I told her 6-9-12 months, depending on how much you could cut back in an emergency, she was like, "how does anyone save that much?" I thought that was funny, because we have at least 12 months worth of expenses we could get our hands on without touching our retirement, and we make 3 times less than they do. I wanted to be a little blunt with her about how much she buys, but I held back and just smiled. Part of me was jealous that she gets to stay home with her kids and we can't afford that, but if I could, I would be even more inclined to watch my spending habits.

Do you keep your finances between you and your husband only?

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