I think I've messed up...

Re: I think I've messed up...

• BlueBirdMB member

  

  September 2014

  Pinksapphire08 said:

  So, my husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. I have always been really close to my mom now and while growing up. My MIL and I did things together and were always really close while I was dating my husband. Now for a little background... At our rehearsal dinner apparently my MIL got snappy with my mom and did some things over my honeymoon that really hurt my mom. We probably need some specifics here.  What things?

  Since then my mom claims every time she is around my MIL that she is rude to her but I don't see it. Why do they hang out so much?  What are they doing together all the time?  Our parents haven't seen each other since our wedding a year and a half ago and I don't anticipate them seeing each until maybe we have a baby. I can't decide if my mom is making more of it or if my MIL isn't doing it when I'm around. My mom has never given her a reason to be upset with her that I know of. Also I must say my mom is the type that if someone doesn't go out of their way to be nice, then they aren't being friendly.. Just how she is. 

  
  

  Now for 2 years later, we had to move in with my In laws due to certain circumstances and I don't get along with my MIL as much anymore. Some things happened where I was really hurt by her and I turned to my mom for support. I've realized now that I should have never talked to my mom about any if it because when I talk to her now she always asks "Are his parents driving you crazy?" Instead if "How are they?" You know that saying about not talking bad about someone to your parents because you may forgive them but they never will? Well unfortunately I think my mom was already upset about the situation and now won't forgive and forget. Even though my MIL hurt me, I've let it go and am trying to move forward but my mom won't.  I'm not sure I get the problem... You told her your MIL was driving you crazy so now she asks if your MIL is driving you crazy.  Is she saying it in a malicious way?  My mom and I are super close and we'd talk like to each other just about some random friend who had been driving me or her crazy.  It doesn't seem like something weird.

  
  

   Growing up my dad's mom and my mom never got along so you would think my mom wants the opposite for me. I honestly think my mom likes that I don't get along with her bc she was jealous of how close we were. That hurts me.  This is a separate issue.  If you keep blurring boundaries, then this will continue to happen.  If you want to have a relationship with your MIL, then you need to make it clear that you are going to have X type of relationship with your MIL and you mom will just get used to it.  Also, my MIL can't say she's sorry when she's in the wrong and own up to it.  Again it's another issue.  Some people are just like that and it's annoying, but you need to have expectations of her behavior and conduct yourself accordingly.  This comment makes me think that your mom may have a point.  It's fine to forgive, but maybe you shouldn't forget.  You might be continuing to get burned. Ugh it's my fault. I should just keep stuff to myself. Any advice on how to fix it? 

  Moving forward, you really need to think about what type of relationship you want to have with both women.  Take their behaviors into account.  The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior.  I hope this was helpful, but I'm not sure I made a ton of sense.  It's like I know what I want to say, but I can't articulate it well.

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• Pinksapphire08 member

  

  September 2014

  Our parents were both very involved in the wedding process and payed for it together to give us a really nice wedding. My MIL used a very rude tone with my mom at the rehearsal dinner over decorations. While on our honeymoon, they were both worried about us with it being our first time out of the country. We could only communicate via iPad and since his mom didn't have one, my mom went out of her way to go by my in laws house so they could speak to their son. My sister was there and confirmed that my MIL was being rude but my mom was hurt because my MIL didn't share wedding photos with her (a family member took the photos). It upset my mom that my MIL didn't show her and kept them to herself.
  
  We live in a small town and since we currently live with my inlaws, they come over to see us or to pick up my sister when I keep her. No offense but I find it really strange that you don't have that close family tie with both sides. Everyone is different I guess..
  
  I would confide in my mom but after I had time to get over it, I let go of the situation and moved on. I don't want to hold onto things or let them build so a blow up can happen. I get frustrated because mom knows I'm past it but brings it up and assumes something is always going on... Like thinks the worst I guess. It's not an all the time thing I must add.
  
  I really want to have a close relationship with both women as in spend time together and all. I want the line drawn at personal info like bills, etc. I don't talk about that with either of them but that's my line. The main thing with my MIL is that like I said she won't own up to her actions or apologize, so on I identify with my mom in that fact. Flip side, I want my mom to be willing to get together for holidays and not dread being around her. Like I said though, I've never seen my MIL do anything to my mom first hand (I just know the things between myself and her).
  
  I'm not talking to my mom anymore about stuff in order to hopefully make her thoughts toward my MIL a little better. How should I approach it if my mom keeps bringing up situations? What should I do if my Mom says my MIL keeps doing things behind my back?
  
  I understand the articulation struggle. I'm sure my posts are confusing too. It's hard to explain to people who don't know their personalities or the situation unfortunately

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• BlueBirdMB member

  

  September 2014

  Pinksapphire08 said:

  Our parents were both very involved in the wedding process and payed for it together to give us a really nice wedding. My MIL used a very rude tone with my mom at the rehearsal dinner over decorations. While on our honeymoon, they were both worried about us with it being our first time out of the country.  That's kind of weird.  You are both adults.  They're treating you like children. We could only communicate via iPad and since his mom didn't have one, my mom went out of her way to go by my in laws house so they could speak to their son.  I'm not sure why it was necessary to speak to them at all.  We didn't speak to our families when we were on our honeymoon.  You're on your honeymoon.  Ok, you want to say hi, but it seems like your MIL went out of her way to talk to you, which probably wasn't necessary.  My sister was there and confirmed that my MIL was being rude but my mom was hurt because my MIL didn't share wedding photos with her (a family member took the photos). It upset my mom that my MIL didn't show her and kept them to herself.  This seems childish on both ends of the argument.

  
  

  We live in a small town and since we currently live with my inlaws, they come over to see us or to pick up my sister when I keep her.  Get out of there asap.  This problem will most likely sort itself out once you aren't living with parents. No offense but I find it really strange that you don't have that close family tie with both sides.  When did I say that I didn't have close family ties with both sides???  All I said was that I had a close relationship with my mom and we talk like this to each other. Everyone is different I guess.. 

  
  

  I would confide in my mom but after I had time to get over it, I let go of the situation and moved on. I don't want to hold onto things or let them build so a blow up can happen. I get frustrated because mom knows I'm past it but brings it up and assumes something is always going on... Like thinks the worst I guess. It's not an all the time thing I must add. Your mom will probably not change.  If I were her, I'd probably do the same things- make sure that you remember whatever trouble your MIL caused you so that you are cautious.  If you don't want her to do this, then you'll have to keep your mouth shut.

  
  

  I really want to have a close relationship with both women as in spend time together and all. I want the line drawn at personal info like bills, etc. I don't talk about that with either of them but that's my line. The main thing with my MIL is that like I said she won't own up to her actions or apologize, so on I identify with my mom in that fact.  MIL also isn't going to change, so you need to change how you interact with her, which is what your mom is probably trying to say. Flip side, I want my mom to be willing to get together for holidays and not dread being around her.  Most people do not spend holidays with both sets of parents at one time.  If this isn't going to work for your family (I can't think of many families where this works well), then you should spend them with your families separately.  Separate but equal lol. Like I said though, I've never seen my MIL do anything to my mom first hand (I just know the things between myself and her). I'm not talking to my mom anymore about stuff in order to hopefully make her thoughts toward my MIL a little better. How should I approach it if my mom keeps bringing up situations? "Mom, I hear what you're saying, but I'm trying to stay positive and move forward with my relationship with MIL.  I am fully aware of her past actions, so I will be moving forward accordingly, but I don't want to think negatively."  What should I do if my Mom says my MIL keeps doing things behind my back?  Wait.  This is new information.  What is your MIL doing behind your back to you?  I understand the articulation struggle. I'm sure my posts are confusing too. It's hard to explain to people who don't know their personalities or the situation unfortunately

  
  

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• BlueBirdMB member

  

  September 2014

  Your mom and MIL seem pretty childish and I think you need to rethink boundaries with both of them.  And yes, you should have boundaries with your parents even in the best of circumstances.  You are married and you and your husband should be acting like a unit with your parents having a less active role in your lives than what you are describing here.

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• Disneygeek77 member

  

  September 2014

  I would tell your mom that you really don't want to hear it anymore.   Just because you got married, that doesn't mean your moms have to like or be friends with each other.  As long as they are civil and polite, that is all that matters.  

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• englishtrish1 member

  

  September 2014

  The first thing would be to stop oversharing with your mom and if she tried to initiate bitch sessions about your MIL, refuse to join in.
  The second thing would be to develop some distance between both sets of parents, just because y'all are married it doesn't mean that mom and mil need to be chums.
  When you moved in with the in-laws, were ground rules set out about visitors etc because if you were living in my house I wouldn't want your family members popping in and out or you watching your siblings at my house. I'm making the assumption that you pay a fair rent but it is still her house.
  Finally I have to give a BAER to the fact that two adults are so enmeshed with their parents they could not even go on their honeymoon without checking in.

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• Pinksapphire08 member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  We are both very close to our families. We are from a small town where most people we know haven't traveled that distance so it was a big deal to us and our families. We got married young compared to some people, both the oldest in our family and still lived at home before we got married, so is it really that hard to believe that our parents wanted to make sure we were ok when we got there?? That we both just might want today that we are fine, see you when we get back? Its not like they called us the whole time we were gone. Actually most of our friends and their families do the same so it's not weird to us. Also, both of our families do spend time with both sets... To me its odd you dont because it is what im accustomed to. I didnt mean you weren't close, I just thought it odd that both sides of your family wont see each other again until you have kids. That would be so different to me. Like I said before, everyone is different. Regarding being in their house, they are fine with visitors, rent, etc. We are on one side of the house and they are on the other so when we have people over, they aren't in their space. My inlaws are also at work when I keep my sister so they never really see each other when that happens. We are looking at houses now so maybe that will help too. I'm looking forward to it lol Sorry I think my comment was confusing, my MIL does stuff to my mom behind my back. Like my mom will say she makes rude comments but I never hear it. I'm sure this too contributes to my mom not wanting to be around her but I mean, I don't know how to handle it. I can't just come out and ask my MIL what her problem is lol. If I was to ever hear something I would definitely say something to her to fix the problem. I agree that it is childish which is also why I'm frustrated with the situation. Should I tell my mom to call her out and say something the next time? Maybe that's what needs to happen if this is going on? I don't want to hurt either of them, I just want us all to get along. These are all great ways to approach it. Oh yes, I know now I shouldn't have said anything and it wasn't out of ill spirit, just confiding. I hate it turned out like this and it wasn't intentional. I guess just a lesson learned. Thanks for all of the advice so far. It's nice to hear how other people handle these things sometimes haha!

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• Pinksapphire08 member

  

  September 2014

  I meant to add I too think some distance will happen as soon as we move out. It will be easier when we can go see them when we want to and not have to see them everyday.

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• englishtrish1 member

  

  September 2014

  Your mom needs to call her on it and also set some boundaries with MIL. I wouldn't keep subjectingyself to having to spend time with someone who was rude to me.

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• Ilumine mod

  

  September 2014

  So I have read through the entire post.  Honestly, the reason for all of this is that you and your DH are both being infantized by both sets of parents.  

  
  

  Case in point, the face-to-face communication that you arrived at your honeymoon site.  WHY did you need to FaceTime/skype that?  If no phone, then an email is sufficient.  Adults on their honeymoon, who left less than 24 hour prior, do not need to make a full production to let other adults know that they arrived safely.  It basically means that your parents don't trust your quick communique...that they need to SEE THAT YOU ARE SAFE.  Something you do with your children.

  
  

  Yes, I GET that this is how your small town does it.  And conceptually Stars Hallow would be a great place to live in.  But not at the expense of the interpersonal relationships.  I mean, this kind of closeness got someone in trouble in Mayberry, Pawnee, Dillon or Cicily at least once a season.  

  
  

  Let's be honest, it was YOUR wedding.  Your MIL was not obligated to provide wedding pictures to your mother before YOU and YOUR DH got to see them first.  Whether that was the reason for HER decision to not give them to your Mom is a moot point.  The fact that your Mother felt entitled to have them before you and get pissy about it when she didnt get them shows that she does not respect you OR YOUR HUSBAND as adults. 

  
  

  I love my mother.  I am extremely close to my mother.  But had my mother demanded to see my wedding pictures before I got to...just because my MIL saw them first (btw, I am 99.9% sure that there were pictures from your side of the family that got seen by that side before your inlaws) I would have had some choice words with her.  

  
  

  Because DH and I control our lives not the other way around.  

  
  

  And the same thing can be said about your MIL.  I see a ton of controlling behaviors that point to these women not treating you as full adults.  Now, many of those behaviors can be nipped if you move out.  

  
  

  But honestly, YOU are not making it easy on them either.  Why are you watching your sister in their house?  I don't care if they said it was ok...you are imposing your mother's needs (i.e. need for daycare) on someone else's life.  

  
  

  If you want to fix this, you need to move out.  You need to make a life that works for your new family - and yes you and your husband are the core family.  The bible is very clear on both honoring your mother and father (that is clearly for young children, not married) and the whole Leave and Cleave. 

  
  

  Once you are on your own and not forcing these two families to compete with each other on a daily/weekly basis (i.e. your mother having to go to your mother in laws house to pick up your sister) the tension is going to ease up.  

  
  

  But YOU have to want this.  YOU and your DH have to want to self-sufficient grown ups. 

  
  

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• englishtrish1 member

  

  September 2014

  It all goes back to lack of boundaries on all sides. I'm guessing you got married straight out of high school, I can see no other reason for the continuing over involvement of both sets if parents.

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• BlueBirdMB member

  

  September 2014

  Ilumine said:

  So I have read through the entire post.  Honestly, the reason for all of this is that you and your DH are both being infantized by both sets of parents.  

  
  

  Case in point, the face-to-face communication that you arrived at your honeymoon site.  WHY did you need to FaceTime/skype that?  If no phone, then an email is sufficient.  Adults on their honeymoon, who left less than 24 hour prior, do not need to make a full production to let other adults know that they arrived safely.  It basically means that your parents don't trust your quick communique...that they need to SEE THAT YOU ARE SAFE.  Something you do with your children.

  
  

  Yes, I GET that this is how your small town does it.  And conceptually Stars Hallow would be a great place to live in.  But not at the expense of the interpersonal relationships.  I mean, this kind of closeness got someone in trouble in Mayberry, Pawnee, Dillon or Cicily at least once a season.  

  
  

  Let's be honest, it was YOUR wedding.  Your MIL was not obligated to provide wedding pictures to your mother before YOU and YOUR DH got to see them first.  Whether that was the reason for HER decision to not give them to your Mom is a moot point.  The fact that your Mother felt entitled to have them before you and get pissy about it when she didnt get them shows that she does not respect you OR YOUR HUSBAND as adults. 

  
  

  I love my mother.  I am extremely close to my mother.  But had my mother demanded to see my wedding pictures before I got to...just because my MIL saw them first (btw, I am 99.9% sure that there were pictures from your side of the family that got seen by that side before your inlaws) I would have had some choice words with her.  

  
  

  Because DH and I control our lives not the other way around.  

  
  

  And the same thing can be said about your MIL.  I see a ton of controlling behaviors that point to these women not treating you as full adults.  Now, many of those behaviors can be nipped if you move out.  

  
  

  But honestly, YOU are not making it easy on them either.  Why are you watching your sister in their house?  I don't care if they said it was ok...you are imposing your mother's needs (i.e. need for daycare) on someone else's life.  

  
  

  If you want to fix this, you need to move out.  You need to make a life that works for your new family - and yes you and your husband are the core family.  The bible is very clear on both honoring your mother and father (that is clearly for young children, not married) and the whole Leave and Cleave. 

  
  

  Once you are on your own and not forcing these two families to compete with each other on a daily/weekly basis (i.e. your mother having to go to your mother in laws house to pick up your sister) the tension is going to ease up.  

  
  

  But YOU have to want this.  YOU and your DH have to want to self-sufficient grown ups. 

  
  

  Every single word of this.  Like I said, this immediate issue will work itself out if you move out.  I don't personally think people should get married if they aren't financially capable of supporting themselves- that means living on your own away from your parents.  If you wish to have a  successful marriage, then you need to "cut those cords".  

  
  

  Lol and Stars Hallow... I love that show.

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• Ilumine mod

  

  September 2014

  BlueBirdMB said:

  Ilumine said:

  So I have read through the entire post.  Honestly, the reason for all of this is that you and your DH are both being infantized by both sets of parents.  

  
  

  Case in point, the face-to-face communication that you arrived at your honeymoon site.  WHY did you need to FaceTime/skype that?  If no phone, then an email is sufficient.  Adults on their honeymoon, who left less than 24 hour prior, do not need to make a full production to let other adults know that they arrived safely.  It basically means that your parents don't trust your quick communique...that they need to SEE THAT YOU ARE SAFE.  Something you do with your children.

  
  

  Yes, I GET that this is how your small town does it.  And conceptually Stars Hallow would be a great place to live in.  But not at the expense of the interpersonal relationships.  I mean, this kind of closeness got someone in trouble in Mayberry, Pawnee, Dillon or Cicily at least once a season.  

  
  

  Let's be honest, it was YOUR wedding.  Your MIL was not obligated to provide wedding pictures to your mother before YOU and YOUR DH got to see them first.  Whether that was the reason for HER decision to not give them to your Mom is a moot point.  The fact that your Mother felt entitled to have them before you and get pissy about it when she didnt get them shows that she does not respect you OR YOUR HUSBAND as adults. 

  
  

  I love my mother.  I am extremely close to my mother.  But had my mother demanded to see my wedding pictures before I got to...just because my MIL saw them first (btw, I am 99.9% sure that there were pictures from your side of the family that got seen by that side before your inlaws) I would have had some choice words with her.  

  
  

  Because DH and I control our lives not the other way around.  

  
  

  And the same thing can be said about your MIL.  I see a ton of controlling behaviors that point to these women not treating you as full adults.  Now, many of those behaviors can be nipped if you move out.  

  
  

  But honestly, YOU are not making it easy on them either.  Why are you watching your sister in their house?  I don't care if they said it was ok...you are imposing your mother's needs (i.e. need for daycare) on someone else's life.  

  
  

  If you want to fix this, you need to move out.  You need to make a life that works for your new family - and yes you and your husband are the core family.  The bible is very clear on both honoring your mother and father (that is clearly for young children, not married) and the whole Leave and Cleave. 

  
  

  Once you are on your own and not forcing these two families to compete with each other on a daily/weekly basis (i.e. your mother having to go to your mother in laws house to pick up your sister) the tension is going to ease up.  

  
  

  But YOU have to want this.  YOU and your DH have to want to self-sufficient grown ups. 

  
  

  Every single word of this.  Like I said, this immediate issue will work itself out if you move out.  I don't personally think people should get married if they aren't financially capable of supporting themselves- that means living on your own away from your parents.  If you wish to have a  successful marriage, then you need to "cut those cords".  

  
  

  Lol and Stars Hallow... I love that show.

  I know...that was the first thing I thought of when I read the bit about her home town.  

  Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml

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• Pinksapphire08 member

  

  September 2014

  Thanks for all of the replies and opinions! I don't feel the need to further explain or continue to discuss. I think I have what I need to take the next steps. Thanks again!

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