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RamaLamaDD
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
DHs Anxiety (sorry it's a little long)
So, I posted about this on the bump but thought maybe this would be a better venue.
DH has been having some anxiety problems - some being an understatement. Whenever I asked what was bothering him he would say outside things, i.e. "I just get too mad about stuff, like our ***" etc.
We then had a big blowup, because I told him that I can't take care of him (he was being excessively needy and expected me to ignore our child in his favor) and our daughter and myself and have a job etc. etc. and I thought it would be best if he went to the doctor and maybe a counselor for input because I don't know how to help solve this problem. He started listing off stuff about me that was making him angry, all of which I had a response for that made them a moot point. (i.e. DH: you didn't want to take R to a baby sitter so we could go out alone ME: I did offer to call the sitter and you said you didn't want to DH: oh I guess I did say that didn't I, or my fave, DH: why are you so mad about me saying I want to wait to have a baby? ME: because you basically forced me to have my iud removed DH: I didn't force you ME: you said if we don't have another one before LO is 4 we won't be having another one DH: i guess I did say that didn't I)
He's gotten a lot better but he is still really touchy. I've indirectly been told by him that I'm not allowed to be mad at him, or frustrated with him, or upset with him, because it makes him feel guilty which makes his anxiety worse. (This past Sunday was my birthday, he did not get me a gift and bought my card at the grocery store when we went to pick up some potatoes for supper. So I was giving him a hard time about it, only half joking, because I was actually really hurt by his lack of forethought. - on his birthday he got presents and cards from me, our daughter (who is 2, so also from me), and our dogs - don't ask, it's just how we are)
ANYWAY, does anyone have any experience with this type of behavior / anxiety with DH? I just don't know what to do. He did make an appointment with the doctor for later this week and has an appointment set up with a counselor next month (which he asked me to go with him to but after our fight I said he should probably go alone because it seems like I am maybe one of the things he needs to hash out - I did take the afternoon off work so that I can go with him and wait outside or in the waiting room for him).
DH has been having some anxiety problems - some being an understatement. Whenever I asked what was bothering him he would say outside things, i.e. "I just get too mad about stuff, like our ***" etc.
We then had a big blowup, because I told him that I can't take care of him (he was being excessively needy and expected me to ignore our child in his favor) and our daughter and myself and have a job etc. etc. and I thought it would be best if he went to the doctor and maybe a counselor for input because I don't know how to help solve this problem. He started listing off stuff about me that was making him angry, all of which I had a response for that made them a moot point. (i.e. DH: you didn't want to take R to a baby sitter so we could go out alone ME: I did offer to call the sitter and you said you didn't want to DH: oh I guess I did say that didn't I, or my fave, DH: why are you so mad about me saying I want to wait to have a baby? ME: because you basically forced me to have my iud removed DH: I didn't force you ME: you said if we don't have another one before LO is 4 we won't be having another one DH: i guess I did say that didn't I)
He's gotten a lot better but he is still really touchy. I've indirectly been told by him that I'm not allowed to be mad at him, or frustrated with him, or upset with him, because it makes him feel guilty which makes his anxiety worse. (This past Sunday was my birthday, he did not get me a gift and bought my card at the grocery store when we went to pick up some potatoes for supper. So I was giving him a hard time about it, only half joking, because I was actually really hurt by his lack of forethought. - on his birthday he got presents and cards from me, our daughter (who is 2, so also from me), and our dogs - don't ask, it's just how we are)
ANYWAY, does anyone have any experience with this type of behavior / anxiety with DH? I just don't know what to do. He did make an appointment with the doctor for later this week and has an appointment set up with a counselor next month (which he asked me to go with him to but after our fight I said he should probably go alone because it seems like I am maybe one of the things he needs to hash out - I did take the afternoon off work so that I can go with him and wait outside or in the waiting room for him).
Re: DHs Anxiety (sorry it's a little long)
You and he have communication problems and a few other issues.
Your H needs a medical evaluation. Anxiety attacks/anxiety problems can be evidence that a physical problem is manifesting --- you'll see that a lot on thyroid conditions.
He needs a medical evaluation --- it may be likely he needs to be taking a med or meds and a counselor is not an MD.
Have no more kids with this guy until all of your problems are worked on and eliminated. This is no time to bring a baby into the picture; get another type of BC and you make sure you take it. Try a diaphragm or the sponge or something --- and let this guy know right ow there will be no more children until the problems you and he have are fixed.
GL. You are not his mother or his commendant or his drill captain.
Why are you resuscitating very old posts on these boards? Can't you see the post is inactive and the post is dead?
Don't dredge up old posts. The OP is gone and will not be back; the discussion has long died out.
As I said he is going to see both our doctor and a counselor. I think he was going to skip the doctor (I had suggested he do both) and just go to the counselor but the counselor couldn't get him in until October so he is doing both.
I am aware that we have communication problems but that is something we are working on. Our main problem is that he likes to talk things out immediately whereas I need time to digest so that my emotions don't get the better of me and make me a scary crying mess who says mean things just because she's upset.
I'm sorry if posting on "old" posts is causing some sort of issue. I didn't think I was commenting on anything older than last month, which I don't really consider that old.
Not very adult to insult somebody and go for the jugular because you're pissed off at them. Grow up; nobody likes a 7th grade bully and that's what you are, by the looks of it.
I'm super confused right now.
Our main problem is that he likes to talk things out immediately whereas I need time to digest so that my emotions don't get the better of me and make me a scary crying mess who says mean things just because she's upset.
Nothing sensible was ever accomplished by hitting below the belt. You guys need to learn how to communicate.
I don't think I'm the only person in the world who uses the "lets leave this discussion for a bit until I / we both calm down" as a way of mitigating arguments. It's the old count to 10 before you respond theory except I need more than 10 seconds.
What I suggest you do:
Get a sitter for the kids where the kids will be with the sitter, away from your home -- so there will be no interruptions -- and sit down and talk to your H this weekend, without fail.
Something isn't hitting home here with him. His first and foremost duty is to make sure you are happy and that you and the kids are happy.