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Worried Sick
Hello,
Hoping to get some advice on a certain situation I am going through with my boyfriend. We have been together for 4 years and have lived together for most of that, we are really happy together and we are planning on getting married within the next 2 years or less! Although there is a huge problem and that is my boyfriend who I love dearly has severe anxiety and over the past 2+ years he has had full on panic attacks sometimes days in a row. I cant even begin to explain how many times I have seen or heard him throwing up for hours in the night and even the day. He misses work, school and then continues to have even more anxiety as he is missing all of these things. At first, I was extremley worried and shocked that this was even happening. I still am worried but its been going on for so long now that it doesnt really phase me as much as it used to. He is trying to get this under control but it is terrible seeing this happen constantly, and I feel helpless and dont know what to do. He is 26 years old and I dont understand why this keeps happening.
It makes me very sad to see him like this and also makes me think of the future as I worry this will just continue into our future. I can't stop thinking about the fact that if he has this much anxiety what will it be like on our wedding day, or when we have kids? Will he just be uncontrollaby vomiting all the time? He is the man that I want to be with and I am trying to hard to be there for him and help him anyway I can I just worry about his health and our future if he can't figure out a way to fix this. It has gone on for too long and I am guessing he had this when we started dating but it was more under control then.
I want a future with him, but a part of me also is telling me that I am so young, can I handle this for the rest of my life? I am 24 years old, have a corporate career that I am excelling in and have alot going for me. It just makes me really sad and frustrated that this is still going on.
Not sure if anyone has gone through a similar situation?
Thanks
Re: Worried Sick
He really needs to talk to a doctor about anti-anxiety medications. I think in the past, there has been a bit of a stigma against going on medication, but if there is a chemical imbalance in his brain that is disabling him from properly handling stress hormones, he needs help correcting it.
He also needs to try some sort of therapy (or maybe several types). It can help identify whether or not there is a specific trigger that sets off his anxiety. He may also learn ways to cope with it.
It is possible to treat anxiety with just medication, or just therapy, but I think it works best when they both work together. Even with treatment, he will likely always have to deal with it, but it will at least be something that he can manage while remaining functional.
If he refuses to seek treatment, then I think you're asking yourself the right question: Can you handle this for the rest of your life?
Only you can decide whether or not you can deal with it. You need someone who will be there for you to handle life's stress as a team. If he's actually adding to your stress by his inability to handle it himself, it could make it even more difficult to handle big moments: Wedding, house purchase, kids, or any sort of set back or disaster that has the potential to strike at any moment.
I wouldn't say pack up and leave. It's not his fault that he has an anxiety disorder, and it is something that can be managed. However, he needs to be willing to treat it in order for that to happen.
Thank you so much for the reply. I know its not his fault he has this disorder I just feel like he isnt doing anything to help it or get it under control. I just want to see him feeling better. You are right that he should be getting medical help and also going to therapy to see if that helps him cope with it or at least get it more under control. He went to see a doctor about it but he was hesitant to go on medication for it. I think you explained exactly my worry- that he is adding to my stress by his inability to handle it himself which makes me worry about how he might be able to handle the big moments that we are looking forward to.
Hopefully we will seek treatment, and if he doesnt then I think that is when I need to ask myself can I live with this the rest of my life? He is a wonderful man and I really just want to see him better.
Thanks again!
I did actually try to dump him before, but he started to have a full-on anxiety attack (the first one that I saw him have), and it freaked me out. I was afraid he was going to have a heart attack or something so I tabled the break up discussion for later. I think the thought of losing me made him a little more serious, so he became "Mr. Wonderful" for a good while. After it faded, however, we still had all of the same problems as before. By the time we really did break up, he was on medication, so he accepted it much better.
So learn from my mistake. If you do feel like breaking up is necessary (whether due to his anxiety, or for other reasons), don't delay it just because you're worried that he won't be able to handle it. In the long run, you're not doing either of you any favors.
Oh wow, thank you for your insight! We did have a very serious talk about 6 months ago about a few things in our relationship that we really needed to work on. (not just him I had to work on things too) Everything else has gotten better and his anxiety did too for a good few months but now that he works full time and goes to school and placement it is all just too much for him to handle. I think he also might be really hard on himself too, would that bring it on?
Looking back to when we did have our serious talk about either fixing things or breaking up he thankfully didnt go into a full on anxiety attack but it made me realize how much I wanted to make things work.
Thanks again for sharing your story with me!
And yes, his school & work stress could be the cause of his panic attacks, especially if he is a perfectionist, or is putting unrealistic pressure on himself to succeed. Correcting any chemical imbalanced with medicine will help (and there are several types on the market, so if one doesn't work with his body chemistry, another one might), but learning how to cope with pressure, and letting go of the fear of failure is something that therapy can help with.
Whatever happens in your relationship, I really hope he's able to get the help his needs!
Tell him what you told us.
If he won't see a doctor, you are going to have to decide what direction you wish to take your future into. If this means discontinuing the relationship, so be it: you also have to think of yourself and your future -- and the possibility of what the future would be like with a husband who, wow, can't take care of his health.
Think about it: if he had physical pain in -- let's use an example -- his feet, wouldn't he get to a podiatrist to see what the root of the problem is? You go to a dentist yearly, you get checkups for various things each year --- it's only common sense for him to get to a doctor to see why he is having these panic attacks.
As I said, he could have a medical condition that is causing it.
And if not that, there are meds he can take to control his attacks.
Thank you everyone for your help with this. You have all helped with providing lots of information on what the next steps are to take. Thankfully he is feeling much better now but as you all mentioned he really needs to look at ways to help when he is feeling extremley anxious. I am glad that you agree I have valid concerns for our future and of course I am most concerned about what this is doing for his body. This may not be an easy talk bringing all of this up as I dont want to make him feel bad in anyway... just really concerned about his health and want him to know I am there for him and that there are things that can help him. I have tried to talk to him about this in the past and he says that he doesnt need any help and he will be "fine" and not to worry. But it has been a few years now and its scary because its still going on every few months. (Its alot less frequent then it was before) I feel like he also needs to be the one to truly realize he needs to get some help with this either it be medication, therapy, etc.
As for Daring Miss, thank you for your comment of "If someone isn't willing to help themselves, they aren't a good long term bet" . That was hard to hear as I really do want to be with him, I have just been waiting a while for him to start helping himself as well as look after himself. Good idea on cutting down on a class or hours, that would certainly help. I know that he is looking at getting into University next year to actually get a degree (which is a whole other can of worms as I imagine it will be even more stressful and add to his stress). I just hope that he realizes soon that he needs to be proactive about his anixety before he has the panic attacks.
I was once on medication as well but similair to your boyfriend wanted to get off it. I never had it as severe as him however- just know that by working with a therapist medication isn't the only cure- it can be part of a much bigger plan.