Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
A little worried about what kind of father DH will be...
So I have some thoughts running through my head that I would like to share on here in case someone can relate and can offer advice. DH and I have been married for almost 4 years, together almost 8. I am 26 and he is 36. He wants to have kids already because he feels ready and doesn't want to be an "old dad." Although I still want to enjoy the freedom of not having kids a little longer, I told him I was willing to start trying next year. I do want kids and I always said 27 was a perfect age for me to start so I am running out of excuses.
I have no doubts I want him to be the father of my child, but I am just afraid of how much work I will have to do as a mother and how much help he will be willing to offer, including during my pregnancy. As it stands, he is typically very lazy in the sense that he gets home from work and just plays video games, watches TV and plays with his computer all night in his "man cave". I am talking from around 5pm until 1AM, sometimes later. He only takes time off of doing that to work out with me and occasionally eat dinner/watch a show together.
I do NOT blame him for this because I am currently very busy at night studying, but once I free up very soon I will want to spend more time with him at nights. God forbid we get out of our house and go watch a movie on a random Tuesday night or have some dinner on a Wednesday night! Sometimes I force him to come with me to visit my family during week nights because it's hard for me to see them often due to their schedules. This is another issue all together, and most times I just go on my own because I do not feel like battling with him. I get it's my family and he has no desire to spend time with them as much as I do, but I think marriage is compromise and sacrifice. If I make the effort to have really early saturday or sunday brunches with this family (I am NOT a morning person) he should equally make the effort every now and then to get out of his comfort cave and accompany me to visit my family at a time that is not ideal for him.
Don't get me wrong, I love lounging in my house at night, and I will love the free time doing absolutely nothing even more once I am done studying, but what gets me is how much he hates getting his routine interrupted. He is like an old man set in his ways! He gets upset if I ask him to do something with me during week nights and, during the weekend, when he has no plans other than do the same thing he does every night in his man cave, it takes a lot of effort to get him to do anything. For example, today his sister asked him if he could babysit her kids and he told her no. He came to me complaining saying he did not feel like it and was just not gonna do it. I tried to convince him reminding him he had not other plans today, that he should do it. Well, he ended up telling his sister he had a headache and did not want to. We barely babysit because I am so busy with work and studying, but the times that we do is because I force him to help out his sister out. To me ,it is very important! Not only because she is family but because we are going to see the value when we have kids and will want the same from her!
Last time she asked him to babysit was about a month ago and I practically forced him to say yes because he did not feel like it. He never does! I tell him: so let me get this straight, you want to have kids yet you throw a tantrum every time you are asked to baby sit?? He tells me it's not the same because they are not his kids, and seeing as he is the "fun uncle" he is expected to horse around with the kids which gets really tiring. I get that they are not his kids, and it will never be the same as taking care of your own, but his answer still doesn't convince me.
Is he going to say no anytime I need to leave him alone with our kids? Will he go out during week nights to get me food when I crave it during my pregnancy? Or is he just going to disappear into his man cave while I suffer through pregnancy and take care of the kids alone?
Granted, I may be totally exaggerating here and being quite paranoid, but I am still worried on what the future holds. What do you guys think? Do you have any stories of a lazy husband who totally came through when his wife got pregnant? I would love to read about them!
Re: A little worried about what kind of father DH will be...
BR
As for the babysitting thing, my DH is not into watching other peoples kids. At all. He loves our daughter and loves spending time with her, but he would not enjoy watching other peoples kids. So I believe your husband when he says that.
He actually did change after we had her, not drastically, but he is more interested in going out and doing things and is a lot more relaxed/less serious. He also helps around the house more, even with me being a SAHM (I worked full-time before having her). He wasn't as big of a gamer as your H, but he did play video games regularly and for hours at a time. That has mostly stopped. He does still play on occasion, but nothing like before. So yeah, I thing our daughter has changed him for the better. I think part of that is because I've changed too. I don't "nag" him as much anymore. The way I approach conflict is much different. So at least in our case, kids have helped our relationship. There are obviously still challenges, but I feel like we are more of a team now and will work through them.
Maybe express your concerns to your H? I wouldn't approach him and say "you've been really lazy lately" but maybe say "the thought of children in the near future has been on my mind, but I've been concerned about what will happen to our relationship. I want to make sure we are on the same page, I am afraid of (insert concerns here)" and just see where the conversation goes.
For me (us?) PG and being parents has been x100 harder than I thought it would be.
I had a high-risk PG, followed by a breach baby/c-section, followed by 4 months (yes) straight of a crying. And DS slept (maybe) 2 hours at a time. DS is 14 months old now and still does not sleep through the night.
DS is great (really!) and DH and I adore him more than anything, but it is TOUGH! We have to take turns doing things almost all the time. I'll clean up dinner while he bathes DS. I'll put DS to bed at night while he packs DS's lunch for daycare, etc.
You aren't going to want to do it alone. And what if you are busting your butt while he watches TV? How quickly is the resentment going to build? How long will the marriage last?
You never know what life is going to throw at you.
I hope this doesn't happen to you, but what if you had a special needs child?
What if you ended up with multiples?
A tough delivery that required him to help you care for baby for weeks?
There are lots of variables.
I wouldn't want to go into something so huge as making a family/having a baby with someone if I had any doubts. You cannot undo it if you realize it wasn't the right thing to do at the time.
JMO.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Sometimes it helps to have a neutral party who I skilled help you communicate so you both feel heard.
If/when you do decide to TTC/have kids, you want to go into it excited for the future, not scared you are going to be stuck with all the work :-)
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
2) as for everything else, I don't know. DH used to play WoW a lot before DS was born. Not as much as your DH plays video games, but he did have some of those similar moments long before DS was born. He quickly learned once DS was born that his gaming days were over. The time wasn't there. And what time was there he had other things to do and wanted to spend that time with DS. He let his subscription run out. He did try to play a few times but decided it wasn't worth it for him. I'm always amazed at those that keep up their gaming hobbies with children. I don't know how they find the time. Or if they are just letting their wives do more of the work. That's something I hear of somewhat often (more than Id expect). The dh's don't change diapers, feed the baby, hold or hang out with the baby, etc. newborns have sporadic sleeping schedules so catching time to play games was lost on me, especially since DS wanted to be held for months. Bed time is late when they are little and their sleep stretches somewhat short. Once DS started going to bed at a consistent 7:30pm DH no longer had the interest in gaming and instead wanted to relax with me and get to bed, especially since DS woke MOTN until we sleep trained at 9 months. ANYWAYS, there's a chance your DH would stop doing so little and be involved with LO. However, that's nothingwe can tell you whether or not it will happen. Those are conversations to have with your DH and discuss what he has to say. I think it's normal for there to be a shift in priorities once a baby comes along. It's a huge game changer and life changer. Some insist on keeping their lives the same, but that means putting more work on someone else. That works for some though. I would talk to your DH and figure out what his expectations are for life with a child and what your expectations are and go from there.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss