Family Matters
Shanny48
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Miserable In Laws
My DH and I have only been married for a few weeks, but my In Laws are a problem for us. When we were dating, and even when we moved in together, they were very kind to me and my family, but as soon as we got engaged her tune changed completely and she has been rotten towards me ever since. I don't really know how to deal with her moving forward and was thinking maybe the rest of you could offer some good advice? I am sure I am not the only one out there!
When we got engaged we decided that we did not want to have a long engagement, and set dates for our engagement party and wedding immediately. Future In Laws at this time were none too excited. Our whole engagement was a day short of a year which was fine for us, and since we were paying for and planning everything by ourselves, none of it should have been a burden to anyone. Imagine my chagrin when I come to find out that DH's sister who has been engaged for four years decides to get married THREE WEEKS before us as soon as she heard our wedding date. Ugh!
My entire engagement was filled with questions like oh you are wearing your hair up? Well our daughter is wearing hers down and that is the ONLY way it should be done. Or oh, you are using Gerber daisy's in your arrangement? She is using sunflowers and they are going to be SO MUCH more beautiful! Then she began to brag about how she and her husband are paying for this other wedding and because they were it would make my wedding look like a paupers ceremony. She actually threw out our save the date card and our invitation because it was unimportant to her. The fact that my SIL had her wedding reception in an actual strip mall pizza shop only made me feel better about my own but it really took a lot for me to remain polite after being put down every time I was around my MIL. She actually took away some of the magic for me. It was like she couldn't be happy for her son because her favorite child was getting married.
At our three hour engagement party MIL had an absolute fit that we had cocktails, dinner, cake and a champagne toast and did not open gifts. A FIT, there was no time! Fast forward to our wedding weekend. At the rehearsal dinner MIL refused to speak to my family even though she was sitting directly across from them, and sat through the whole thing rolling her eyes and making snide remarks to my bridal party such as "we have already done this wedding thing with our daughter a few weeks ago, so we are really just over doing all of this, and we would rather not be here." The day of the wedding she refused to speak to me, absolutely REFUSED to speak to me! I had to go up to her at the reception and force myself on her. She immediately left after the cake was cut. Did not even stay to eat a piece. I have never given her a reason to treat me like this, it was very hurtful. It truly felt like she didn't want us to be happy, or that because we didn't need her input or money to have a nice wedding she was offended when people would compliment us. I am very glad to have such a wonderful family who help me ignore her nastiness and have fun at my own wedding.
The day after our wedding we had a few hours open gifts and pack for our honeymoon. Of course, the inlaws needed to invade my home and tell me which pictures that were taken that I would need to purchase them etc. RUDE! We mentioned that after the dust settles we would be selling the house for a larger one, to which my until now silent FIL freaked out about where we are going to live and why would we possibly sell our small townhouse. My answer to this was that we wanted to have children sooner rather than later. You would have thought I told him we were moving into a bigger house so that we can start a human trafficking ring! He literally went nuclear. Now let me just say, DH and I are not in our early 20's and are financially stable capable people who are starting a life together, our preference for starting a family is no one else's decision, and what we do with the home that we own is our business.
I do not necessarily care if I not liked by my husband's family, my husband adores me and that is all that truly matters. I am just afraid that they are going to try and continue to ruin our happiness during other special times. I really wish there was a way to nip all of it in the bud, because we cannot go on feeling miserable because they are!
When we got engaged we decided that we did not want to have a long engagement, and set dates for our engagement party and wedding immediately. Future In Laws at this time were none too excited. Our whole engagement was a day short of a year which was fine for us, and since we were paying for and planning everything by ourselves, none of it should have been a burden to anyone. Imagine my chagrin when I come to find out that DH's sister who has been engaged for four years decides to get married THREE WEEKS before us as soon as she heard our wedding date. Ugh!
My entire engagement was filled with questions like oh you are wearing your hair up? Well our daughter is wearing hers down and that is the ONLY way it should be done. Or oh, you are using Gerber daisy's in your arrangement? She is using sunflowers and they are going to be SO MUCH more beautiful! Then she began to brag about how she and her husband are paying for this other wedding and because they were it would make my wedding look like a paupers ceremony. She actually threw out our save the date card and our invitation because it was unimportant to her. The fact that my SIL had her wedding reception in an actual strip mall pizza shop only made me feel better about my own but it really took a lot for me to remain polite after being put down every time I was around my MIL. She actually took away some of the magic for me. It was like she couldn't be happy for her son because her favorite child was getting married.
At our three hour engagement party MIL had an absolute fit that we had cocktails, dinner, cake and a champagne toast and did not open gifts. A FIT, there was no time! Fast forward to our wedding weekend. At the rehearsal dinner MIL refused to speak to my family even though she was sitting directly across from them, and sat through the whole thing rolling her eyes and making snide remarks to my bridal party such as "we have already done this wedding thing with our daughter a few weeks ago, so we are really just over doing all of this, and we would rather not be here." The day of the wedding she refused to speak to me, absolutely REFUSED to speak to me! I had to go up to her at the reception and force myself on her. She immediately left after the cake was cut. Did not even stay to eat a piece. I have never given her a reason to treat me like this, it was very hurtful. It truly felt like she didn't want us to be happy, or that because we didn't need her input or money to have a nice wedding she was offended when people would compliment us. I am very glad to have such a wonderful family who help me ignore her nastiness and have fun at my own wedding.
The day after our wedding we had a few hours open gifts and pack for our honeymoon. Of course, the inlaws needed to invade my home and tell me which pictures that were taken that I would need to purchase them etc. RUDE! We mentioned that after the dust settles we would be selling the house for a larger one, to which my until now silent FIL freaked out about where we are going to live and why would we possibly sell our small townhouse. My answer to this was that we wanted to have children sooner rather than later. You would have thought I told him we were moving into a bigger house so that we can start a human trafficking ring! He literally went nuclear. Now let me just say, DH and I are not in our early 20's and are financially stable capable people who are starting a life together, our preference for starting a family is no one else's decision, and what we do with the home that we own is our business.
I do not necessarily care if I not liked by my husband's family, my husband adores me and that is all that truly matters. I am just afraid that they are going to try and continue to ruin our happiness during other special times. I really wish there was a way to nip all of it in the bud, because we cannot go on feeling miserable because they are!
Re: Miserable In Laws
Imagine my chagrin when I come to find out that DH's sister who has been engaged for four years decides to get married THREE WEEKS before us as soon as she heard our wedding date. Ugh!
To this - if she really picked this date to screw with you, then yes, it sucks. BUT. Their picking a date just 3 weeks before your date really doesn't have to be the end of the world. Really - it doesn't.
I have never given her a reason to treat me like this, it was very hurtful.
I'd say she's treating your DH this way too. Which brings up the question- where is your DH in all of this? You don't mention how HE feels about it and you don't mention how he reacts to it.
Plus, the fact that you all seem to spend a lot of time w/ his parents, you tell them way too many details, AND they seem to have free reign in your home...??? for people who treat you so horribly- why such access to your life?
You are right, she is treating DH the same, and my husband expressed the thought that our wedding was less important to his parents because he is the only child that was adopted. I thought it best not to continue to bring up the subject because it is obviously hurtful on a deeper level for him.
I never offered any details about the wedding unless asked. When they flipped out about the house I mentioned kids thinking I was backing myself out of a corner, which I obviously wasn't... but still TMI or not, you would think the prospect of grandchildren might make them somewhat happy? And we hardly invite them to our house, they just showed up the day after the wedding and we felt it would be worse to turn them away.
Nope, not completely.
Because he will not stand up for you and take your side. You and he are the family now.
Demand that he do so and if he refuses, send him home to his mommy, gerbera daisies and all.
You need to be married to a MAN, not a wimp. GL.
You are a bit harsh, aren't you? I apologize for my mistake, GERBERA DAISIES! I posted this for thoughts on content, not spelling and grammar.
To answer your questions:
1. Do not assume that this does not phase my husband. The name calling is not helpful or necessary.
2. The date was not bothersome to me because it was three weeks before mine, have at it! She changed it from 2015 until then, only after hearing our date, as though it were some sort of awkward competition I wanted no part of. Being compared and constantly put down was hurtful. I don't know if you have ever been on that side of something... being made to feel no matter how well you do something, you still aren't good enough. It sucks.
3. I am asking you if this is a demand women usually make? Is this something that wives have to ask of their husbands frequently? I don't want things to blow out of proportion or to get worse. I have no doubt that he would go over there today and stand up to them if I told him it would fix the problem, but it just seems to me that it might not. Like I said, I am asking as a new wife, how others have dealt with similar situations.
I'm beginning to think that if your DH has a lot of underlying issues when it comes to his parents, perhaps going to counseling might be helpful to him.
My advice is to distance yourselves from them. To what degree - I don' tknow. But even if asked, don't give them details about your life. You KNOW what's going to happen there. So... don't give them details.
And yeah.. sometimes, if necessary, turn them away if you have to.
You need to basically come up w/ what is/ isn't acceptable (boundaries) and then you have to enforce those boundaries. But again- where your DH is on this matters. Will he actually back you up? You say that you don't want to bring up the subject because it's hurtful to him. So... how can you really know how he feels about it or what he's willing to do about it?
You and DH have to be on the same page first and that involves TALKING about it. So really- that's where you need to start.
This is very helpful.
For lack of better terms DH feels defeated. Being second best to a sibling your whole life because of biology probably causes deeper issues than I had even thought of to begin with... you raise a very good point there. I know that these things make him angry that much he has said, but I also don't think he has ever had anyone to back HIM up, so I think he has made it a habit to let it "roll off of his back." Mostly in the moment he just shakes his head and rolls his eyes and then stops listening or leaves the room... whereas I want to jump across the dinner table and scratch someone's eyes out LOL.
I will have a conversation with him about everything, and I think what you are saying about defining boundaries instead of "can you even believe what she said!" might be more effective. I do believe he will back me up knowing that he is just as uncomfortable.
Thanks for the advice!
I know, but that never bothered us... we really just wanted out bridesmaids and groomsmen to get to know each other because some of them had never met. And any excuse to celebrate over champagne is ok for us! haha! Thank you, it shouldn't make a difference at all! They CHOSE to take him! True, if they have no information then they wouldn't have anything to be snarky about, and I agree, he should be the one that shuts it down.
Thanks!
I have never been in your particular situation but I do have in-laws that seem to treat their daughter more special than the boys. My husband has started to notice it too, but in all honesty him and his brother are both self sufficient and don't need help with things, while his sister cannot go a day without her mom. Does it suck for my husband yes, and anytime they have intentionally or unintentionally done something to make me feel less he stands up for me.
Your husband married you, so if you are getting hurt he needs to end it now. It may be hard for him to be in the middle but you are his main family now and he needs to take care of you. I would suggest the next event that causes you to be around them, the first time a remark is made shut it down. If you have to stand up to her than do it, because your life will only get worse once you have kids and your in-laws continue to act the same way. I agree with PP that I would not invite them over period, and if they show up announced ask them to leave.
Good Luck.
Sorry you have to deal with her, she sounds like a witch. I have a MIL that is miserable as well but doesn't treat us like yours does.
How close/far do you live from her? Keep that in mind when you are buying your new house. The more distance, the better. She sounds like a negative Nancy and you don't need that stress. At least your wedding is over with and you really don't have to deal with her for any reason.
I feel like your husband needs to step in and tell her that the things she says are hurtful and if she doesn't have anything nice to say then she needs to leave you guys along and keep her distance. Really as simple as that. I wouldn't be putting up with that sh*t.
Luckily my MIL/FIL live45 minutes away so that's our excuse to visit them once every few months. H call them them weekly though just to keep in touch, but overall the relationship works!
This is not --- repeat, not -- an in law problem.
It is a spouse problem because he refuses to snuff her rotten behavior once and for all.
I'm serious: demand he do so and in front of you and if he doesn't give serious thought to saying goodbye to this guy.
The problems will only become worse -- he's got to take your side in this. As I said, you and he are one new family unit. His mother isn't part of the picture anymore. You are supposed to come first and so is your happiness and as you can see, you are not happy with what is going on at all.
You're being silly with the SIL getting married the same year you did! This happens all the time in families --- and there is nothing you can do about it. That's the way it is.
As with many many posts on family matters this could be avoided in two easy steps:
Stop oversharing
Boundaries
Really? Upset that somebody 'stole" your day? As i said: it's common in families to have more than one wedding in a year...and sometimes sisters also give birth within months of each other! Are you going to get this petty when you're pregnant -- and then you find out SIL is also pregnant and due a few months after you? C'mon....choose your battles.
Your main problem is your H -- he won't stick up for you. This is bad news. If he cares about you and his marriage he will tell his mother to buzz off and make it stick.
Therapy for the both of you --- get it now before your marriage dynamic becomes worse than it is. You also have a communication problem: You cannot tell him how you feel about this and he is oblivious to the fact he needs to remember that you and he are one new family and that you come first.
Well my SIL is well into her 40's and on her third marriage. I don't think I have to worry about her getting pregnant... even though that is beside the point. As I said before I didn't care about the date, I knew immediately that it would be a problem because MIL favors one child over the others (two other siblings agree.) There was no battle to choose, a lot of this I have kept in and not discussed because I have never experienced anything like this, its not like I threw a hissy fit because someone stole my spotlight, and trust me, in the end she did not. It was annoying because she constantly is in competition with her brother (I will save all that for a different day) and it was hurtful to me because I was constantly compared to my SIL and put down because whatever she deemed was right for her wedding made my choices trashy or not worth going to. I don't have parents or siblings and the family I was raised by never acted in a competitive "I'm better than you" manner and were never this sour towards each other, and that is why it is foreign to me to be treated like this by relatives. It is interesting that you just keep making comments trying to make me sound like a spoiled rotten brat, and if that's what you think, fine I don't know you and you are allowed to have any opinion you would like, but if you don't realize it; you come off very rude in doing it.
Yes I do have a hard time communicating, which is why I turned to this board in the first place. Since my original post I have discussed this with my husband, seeing that I have had a few others validate that my feelings are not silly or that I am completely losing it or over reacting. I come to find that he has not seen his mother since because he was equally hurt by her actions, and a lot of the instances I brought up that I hadn't before, he didn't realize they bothered me because I showed no emotion when they happened and did not discuss them further with him. Now that he has the understanding that these things are hurtful to me, he intends to nip them in the bud (which surprisingly I did not have to ask for), if and when he is ready to see them again.