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DH, MIL and Maybe Baby?
I’m new to The Nest boards. I wasn’t sure what message board topic to post this under. If I should post this somewhere else, please let me know and I’ll move it there.
DH and I have been married for 5 years. We decided before marriage that wanted children. I told DH we would try for one and see how it goes… no promises on more than that. Also, we figured, since she was willing to, we could have his mom care for the baby after I go back to work and we would pay her to do so just like a normal daycare. This was all ok with me at that time.
After 1 year of marriage, his mom had to move in with us for financial reasons. ( I won’t get into all the details, but she does not work because she is sight-disabled and can’t legally drive… we all agreed that she would sell her home and move in with us because DH and I were not about to support two households. We spent hours on end downsizing her home and prepping it for sale. She does get social security benefits from her late husband.) We decided to hold off on trying for a baby until we were settled into a larger home because there was no room for anyone else in the house. It was quite stressful having her live with us. DH and I stopped really talking to each other and spending time with each other the way we had before she moved in. We all ate dinner together but otherwise went our separate ways while in the house. She would be in her room, I would be in our bedroom watching TV, playing computer games or reading and DH would be in his office working or playing online. It even got to the point that he was always on an electronic device, even when we were out to dinner, at a football game, etc. He started going to bed even later than usual. It was so miserable for me that I went to counseling to deal with the living situation and with MIL in general. After a year of her living with us we were able to sell our home and buy a much larger home with a detached apartment for her to live in.
About 2 years ago we decided we would try for a baby. We didn’t stress about it we just decided that I’d stop taking birth control and see what happens. No real rush.
I thought us having separate living spaces would make things better. In some ways it has and in some ways it hasn’t. By having so much contact with MIL, I discovered that I really wouldn’t trust her to care for a baby by herself. DH turned our alright, but DH’s dad was alive when he was a baby. She was not caring for him along all the time. Also, even though MIL was no longer in the house with us, those habits DH and I developed continued. We spent a little more time together when we were home, but it never went back to the way it was where we would actually hang out together and just enjoy each other’s company. I had two meltdowns about it, but it didn’t make much of a difference. The second time I calmly explained to him that I felt like our marriage had been damaged from his mom having to move in with us and us having to take on responsibility for another adult. I explained how I felt that we needed to spend time together when we are at home and not always be in different rooms. I told him I missed him. He agreed. But he told me I need to remind him sometimes. I made major changes in this area in order to be more available. I moved my laptop from the living room and set it up on a desk in our office so that I could be more conscious of the time I spent online. I stored my tablet in a charging station so it’s not a readily available distraction. When we would hang out in the same room and watch our favorite television shows together I would not allow myself the distraction of the tablet or a smart phone. I only watch my recorded TV shows after checking to see if he’s working so as not to take time away from us spending time together. I even got into a couple shows he likes so I could spend time in the same room with him. He was good about it for a week or so and then went right back to his normal ways. I stuck with my changes for several months, but even I have backslid from time to time.
We recently thought I was pregnant. It was in that iffy time where I could have been but probably wasn’t. He got excited. I was not, although I didn’t let him know that. A few days later it was obvious I wasn’t pregnant and I was relieved. #:-S I was surprised because I thought I wanted a child. I think I’ve changed my mind. Is this normal? I want to confide in my husband with these feelings I have, but I don’t know how to best approach the topic. Can someone please give me some advice?
Re: DH, MIL and Maybe Baby?
You are growing apart and I don't think you can blame it all on electronic devises or what happened when his mother lived with you.
I say ditch the electronic gismos completely --- find something that you and your H can do TOGETHER, outside of the house.
Suggestions: Volunteer together, take some type of couples-oriented lessons (ballroom dancing. salsa, swing dancing to name a few) --- even playing some games together like Scrabble will help.
I also strongly suggest date days/date nights. Surely there has to be a museum exhibit you both wold like to see or go to some lecture or something that's nearby, at a college maybe. What about taking a long walk after dinner nightly? Great exercise plus you'll spend essential time togeether.
Do NOT TTC until you get this mess straigthened out, if you do decide you want to have a child --- but yes, it is indeed possible to change your mind about wanting to bear a child. It happens on these boards all the time; the H has a mind change or the wife does.
Get to counseling, the both of you. That's absolutely ncessary --- he needs to work on fxing the problems with you. Tell him that the continuance of your marriage makes his participation in counseling a must.
I am wondering if it is simply possible you are both changing and the relationship is over. You're seeing a whole other side to him emerge --- he's got to be more proactive than that. He just can't go "ah well" and shrug you off.
I am not crazy about this at all; he has to care more and make you a priority:
We spent a little more time together when we were home, but it never went back to the way it was where we would actually hang out together and just enjoy each other’s company. I had two meltdowns about it, but it didn’t make much of a difference.
Munashi, thank you for your kind response. I plan to talk to him and explain my feelings the way I explained them here. I appreciate your suggestion and encouragement!
TarponMonoxide, thank you for your response as well. I'm not blaming the electronic devices or the MIL. It's just where things started. We do some things outside of the house - both just the two of us and with a group of friends. When we do I ;et him how much I enjoyed spending that time with him. Sometimes I suggest we go to a movie together, which I enjoy from time to time, but he often doesn't want to go. I admit it's not just him that needs to make more of an effort. I plan to find activities that are going on in our area and ask him to go with me. Also, I will bring up counseling and see if he would be willing to go. I will go no matter what. I have a wonderful counselor who has helped me work through issues in my life before. DH may need some time to decide how he feels about counseling... it's a difficult to admit when you need help. I'd like to give him a short time to want to go rather than it being an ultimatum.
He has to start making an effort, otherwise you are going to have to ask yourself what it is you really want, now and in the future.
If he can't be a partner with you when it comes to a simple thing like a date night or simply spending time together, then what would he be like in the future when you really do need him for something? Can you depend on him for that?
I would limit computer time to an hour before work.That's enough time to spend, checking emails and other websites you like to look at. I'm not into this whole thing where everyone apparently is chaned to an iPhone, a this or a that.
Good luck!
Tarpon: I see what you are saying and appreciate your input, but please don''t take my sentences out of context. I had more to say about the counseling--
DH may need some time to decide how he feels about counseling... it's a difficult to admit when you need help. I'd like to give him a short time to want to go rather than it being an ultimatum.
Since this will be the first time I ask him to go to counseling, I'd like to give him time to process the request. I want him to WANT to go. If he doesn't want to go then I can move on to the counseling being a requirement. I know you may not understand why I would want to afford him that chance. There was a time in my life that I did not want to admit that I needed to seek out counseling, but after further reflection I knew I needed (and wanted) to go. I speak from experience when I say that more is gained by going willingly than by being dragged there kicking and screaming.