Relationships
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Re: .

  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    My head hurts trying to read that. 
  • So Here Is My Problem. Me & My In-Laws Were Really Cool At First When Me & My Husband Was BF & GF, My Now Sister In-Law Was A BestFriend Me. We Were All So Close Mainly Because My Family Live In Another Country & I Was Pregnant & A Teen But In College. My Pregnancy Was Hands Down They Most Dificult Thing I've Ever Been Through NOTHING STAYED DOWN NOTHING AT ALL!!!! & To Make Things Worst As I Entered My 2nd Trimester I Miscarried. My Miscarriage Left Me So Torn Inside. M In-Laws Were Really There 4 Me...... After All Of That I Had My 1st Heated Discussion With My Mom In-Law. She Had Came To Me & My Husbands Home And Disrespected Me To The Highest Degree & We Stopped Talking. This Was All About A Year Or 2 Ago. Last Year My Sister In-Law N I Made Plans  Me 2 Send The Night @ Her House Catching Up N B4 We Went There We Stopped @ Our Friends' House N My Sister In-Law Told Me I Cnat Come By Her NoMore Cuz Her Man Coming Sleep Ova (Plans That Was Just Made)..... A Few Mnths Later We Gt Into It N I Told Her We Cant B Friends We'll Just B In-Law's........... Now That You No Our History Here Is Our Current Dilema. Both Of My Sister-In-Laws Are Pregnant & Honestly I'm Nt Happy 4 Any Of Them I Feel Disgusted By The Fact That One Of Them Is Pregnant For Their 2nd Cousins Dad Who Is A Cheater & Even Got Another Girl Pregnant At The Same Time As My Sister-In-Law But Now She's Claiming It's Nt His. And The Other One Mve Out Her Mom House To Show How Mature She Is With Her 2 Year Old Daughter & End Up Pregnant Again By Her Bi-Polar Disrespectful On/Off Again BF Who Txted Her Bad Stuff That Even Spoke Negatively About Her Vag..... But I Had Decided Nt Care About That N Just Mve On... But I Started To Notice A Patern I Was Being Left Out.. I Found Out That They Were Pregnant, What They Was Having,, If They Went 2 A Doc's Appointment & Basically Everything I No About Their Pregnancy Through A Mutual Friend & Other Outsiders. That Hurt My Feelings So Much Cuz I'm Still In Pain From My Miscarriage N I Would Of Loved To B Apart Of Their Pregnancy. That Same Mutual Friend Is My BestFriend N She Had A Child About A Year Ago N She Included Me In EVERYTHING!! & I Wasn't Hurting As Much Cuz Her Baby Daddy Is A Dead Beat He Stressed Her Out So Much Throughout Her Pregnancy........ So The Time Came For My Sister In-Law BabyShower N I Didnt Want To Go Mainly Cuz I Honestly Wasn't Happy 4 Her N Didnt Want  B Fake & BCuz I Felt Like They Excluded Me From Their Pregnancy So I Excluded Mself Frm The Shower. My In-Laws Claim That We Have Such A Close Relationship Yt The Day After The Shower They Met With My Husband & Questioned Him Like Cops>> Y Une Make Her Come D Shower?? U Need 2 put Ur Foot Down N B A Man!! U Is Let Ur Wife Run Over U!! Ur Wife Is D Man N She Is Wear D Pants In Ur Marriage!! Oh She Wrong  Nt Showing U Her Sister In-Law Shower, She'n Even Call Or Send A Gift!! WHICH I THINK IS SUPER DISRESPECTFUL TO BOTH ME & MY MARRIAGE!!!!!.............. Plz Tell Me Wea I Am Wrong N Wea They R Wrong. Hope I Gave Enough Info Cuz A Whole Lot More Happened.
    Because I really don't feel like working for the last hour of the week, I will translate...

    I have a problem. My in-laws and I got along fine when my husband and I were just girlfriend/boyfriend. His sister was even like a best friend to me. A big part of this was that my family lives in another country, I was just a teenager (but attending college), and I was pregnant.

    My pregnancy was the most difficult thing I've been through. I couldn't keep anything down at all. To make matters worse, as I began my 2nd trimester, I miscarried. The miscarriage left me so torn inside. But my in-laws were really there for me.

    After all of that, I had my first heated discussion with my MIL. She came to my husband's and my home and treated me with the utmost disrespect. We stopped talking. This was a year or two ago.

    Last year, my SIL and I made plans to spend the night at her house catching up. Before we went to her place, we stopped at our friends' house, and my SIL told me that I couldn't come to her place anymore, because her "man" was coming to sleep over (these plans had just been made). A few months later, we got into it, and I told her that we can't be friends; we'll just be in-laws.

    Now that you know the history, here is our current dilemma: Both of my SILs are pregnant, and honestly I'm not that happy for any of them. I feel disgusted by the fact that one of them is pregnant from their 2nd cousin's dad, who is a cheater and has also gotten another girl pregnant at the same time. But now she's claiming that it isn't his. And the other one moved out of her mom's house (to show how mature she is) with her 2-year-old daughter and ended up pregnant again by her bi-polar, disrespectful, on-again-off-again boyfriend, who texted her bad stuff that referred negatively to her vagina.

    I had decided not to care about that and just move on, but I started to notice a pattern that I was being left out. I found out almost everything I know about their pregnancies (that they were even pregnant, what they were having, if they went to doctor's appointments, etc) through a mutual friend or other outsiders. That hurt my feelings so much, because I'm still in pain from my miscarriage, and I would have loved to be part of their pregnancies. That same mutual friend is my best friend, and when she had a child about a year ago, she included me in EVERYTHING!! I wasn't hurting as much, because her baby's father is a deadbeat, and he stressed her out so much throughout her pregnancy.

    So the time came for my SIL's baby shower, and I didn't want to go. Mainly this was because I honestly wasn't happy for her, and I didn't want to be fake. Also, I felt like they excluded me from the pregnancy, so I excluded myself from the shower. My ILs claim that we have such a close relationship, yet the day after the shower, they met with my husband and questioned him like cops (Why didn't you make her come to the shower? You need to put your foot down and be a man! You let your wife run over you! Your wife is the man, and she wears the pants in your marriage! Oh, she's wrong not showing up to her sister-in-law's shower. She didn't even call or send a gift!). I think this is extremely disrespectful to both me and to my marriage!

    Please tell me where I'm wrong and where they are wrong. I hope I gave enough information, because a whole lot more happened.
    image
  • Wow. That was extremely painful! And I'm not sure I actually got everything right!

    Oh, and here's the TL;DR version:
    train wreck
    image
  • GilliCGilliC member
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    So let me get this straight Keana and Camerro ...

    You stopped talking to your mother-in-law altogether, and you decided you can't be friends with your sister-in-law. You're disgusted with the circumstances surrounding your SILs' pregnancies and do not respect their life choices. But...wait for it... you're angry that they aren't involving you in their pregnancies???

    You need to decide whether you want a relationship with your ILs or not.

    If you do, it sounds like you have to be the bigger person. Let bygones be bygones, apologize for offending them, and leave it all in the past.

    If you don't, then you need to discuss this with your H, and stop expecting them to include you in anything.

    Also, it wouldn't hurt to learn to write a bit more coherently. I suspect it could really help with college.
    image
  • It sounds like before either of your sister in laws became pregnant, your relationships had already deteriorated.  Add to the fact that you weren't willing to support their relationship choices, and I'm not sure why you expected them to constantly reach out to you and include you. 

    It's great that your friend involved you in her pregnancy, however, not every woman feels the need to include anyone other than the father, or maybe close family members.  Some women choose to be more private with their pregnancy progress, especially if they're in a position where they know they may be judged by others.  It's possible that the people who knew about your sister-in-laws' progress, are people who saw them regularly, openly gave them support, and continually asked about their progress.  None of which, did you attempt to do. 

    When they did reach out to you to participate in the shower, you chose not to.  Baby showers are the type of thing that people attend even when they haven't been involved in the day-to-day updates and progress of the pregnancy.  Especially family members. 

    I'm not going to try to pin down who did what wrong at what point in time, because I'm sure that all of the situations are far more complex than what we realize.  However, I will say that these women are your family.  You do not have to be friends with them, but it would be nice if you supported them as a family member.  I think it would be appropriate for you to apologize for missing the baby shower.  You don't have to go back to being their best friends, but you do need to continue being their sister-in-law. 

    Let them know that you would have enjoyed being there for them during their pregnancy (if that's the truth - based on some of what you said, it didn't really seem like it).  Forgive them for hurting your feelings for not making you feel included in their pregnancies (because I don't believe that's a requirement), and move on.  Find a new balance to your family relationship. 
  • I think I know what happened here you guys, and it is amazing.

    WE HAVE AN ACTUAL, REAL-LIFE LOL CAT OF MEME LORE ON THE BOARD!!!!!

    Who else would speak like that?
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • VORVOR member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Based on Gilli's translation (thank you!) - my advice is that you can't have it both ways. You can't fight w/ your ILs, tell them you aren't friends, judge them, question their life choices and then turn around and expect to be "included". Oh, but when they DO invite you (to the shower) you throw another shit-fit (blah blah blah "they disrespected me" blah blah blah - although I question what kind of respect you actually show them) and then don't go. Everything about this is a contradiction. "We aren't friends" vs "I can't believe they aren't including my like a friend". "They disrespect me" vs "I show them no respect". "They don't include me" vs "When they include me, I don't go". You sound very immature and you need to realize the world doesn't revolve around you. As far as your miscarriage, get some therapy to deal with it. It's not yoru SILs responsiblity to include you so that you can work through your issues.
  • edited October 2014

    To give some sort of clearity and not for any justification I would need from strangers, let me just say my younger sister made this post without my knowledge. She was trying to help get other opinions, I guess! I would also like to say that I have read the above comments and some "advice" was reasonable but some were irrelevant. This post missed alot of information all of which I will not be giving, but some major things I would like to say is that I was the only person who didn't rough out my SIL's when they found out that they were pregnant. I am going through my own struggles and it's because of my miscarriage and some things I found out after that happened but this did not hinder the fact that I wanted to be there for them. Prior to this incident I was the go to person in the family I watch my niece without hesitation, wash her clothes from time to time and much more. This is how close we are as family but trust me I forgive alot and I don't receive half as much as what I give. So no i'm not a psyco contridicting mean person playing victim.  From the day before the shower I fell ill and my husband told them this the day that some of my in laws basically called a meeting and disrespected me and my marriage calling me names and so forth just because neither did I or my bestfriend (who was close with them but is not anymore) did not attend the shower and my friend choose to be with me instead. The things that were said is the reason I decided to seperate myself from them. I'm not saying I will never talk to them again this just means we won't be as close as we was. The youngest and I were bestfriends but we grew apart a long time ago, therefore I made it clear that our friendship could no longer be but I'll forever be her sister in law. I've never disrespected my in laws but there hidden agenda is that they are furious that I have such a close relationship with my bestfriend and her family and I spend alot of time with them. My in laws are real controlling and disrespectful that's the problem i'm having.

  • Sorry for the long post.
  • I'm sorry that you experienced your miscarriage. Unfortunately you can't change what is already been done between you and the in laws.. I would say it's time for you to decide what type of relationship you would like going forward with your different in-laws. Once you have decide if you want a relationship with them or not, if you do, then how to go about fixing things. For you SIL it could be a small gesture like a congrats on your baby card with a note written in it "can't wait to meet my new niece/nephew" I'm going to guess that maybe due to your miscarriage, your SIL aren't sure how to approach you with their pregnancies. So you'll need to make the first step with that. In regards to MIL & FIL, you and husband need to decide together on how you want to address that situation & then go from there.
  • That's exactly whats happening. But prior to this incident I was around them and I have said numerous times I cant wait for them to come. I have mentioned my feelings here concerning my miscarriage but i don't speak with them about it. To be honest I highly doubt that they know excatly how i'm feeling inside with regards to that. But I am very active in my niece's life and thats my SIL's daughter so I no it will be the same for whoever comes next. I'm just really tired of having to be the one to put aside my feelings, make a mends and still continue to get disrespected. I love them so much we were closer then in laws we were some what as close as blood relatives but the disrepect is untolerable. Being upset because i'm friends with a certain person and your relationship with them is not as close as it was is petty, if that's the case. (And its crystal clear that a huge problem for them)

  • I think we need more details on how they disrespected you if we're to contribute any advice other than the basic "forgive and forget."
    image
  • They said some very rude, disrespectful, hateful, and hurtful things about me, my husband and our marriage. 

  • edited October 2014
    For years i've had to forgive, never forget but move on. With our previous incident I had honestly forgotten to pick up my BIL from the airport which is not even 10 mins away from me or my MIL's home. I was tied up with some errands and totally lost track of time. Because of this she came to my apartment and was loudly and viciously verbally attacking me. Calling me names telling me the vehicle I have is her son’s and I don’t have any shares there etc. A friend was with me at the time and she said she felt as if my MIL was about to fight me. I mention this to give a sense of what I’ve been going through. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
  • "Disrespect" is NOT A WORD!!!!

    It is a word that should not have the prefix of DIS- added to it. Or anything added to it at all.

    It is a blatant murder of the Queen's English.
  • Have you ever tried to discuss all this with them? If you have, and it hasn't gotten you anywhere, I think you just need to accept that you're not going to have a close relationship anymore and move on. Sad, yes, but you can't change the way other people behave. They have to make that decision themselves.
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