Big changes...yet feeling confilicted.

Re: Big changes...yet feeling confilicted.

• artbyallie member

  

  October 2014

  Jennybeansmommy26 said:

  The bf and I have recently been discussing our future and possibly within the next few months into the next year moving into together. We have known each other for 5 months so far, however we been offical since July.  While early on in our relationship/friendship we had our ups and downs.I am 26 almost 27 in January. He is 25 although was 24 when we met.  However despite his minor disability of AS ( if anyone is unformiliar with this sydrome you can google it) we care so much for each other and so much want a future together. We get along so well and enjoy being together and doing things. I understand we are still learning and growing with each other.  Recently he's been staying over alot more than usual and we have been getting along real well. It's so nice having him around and I love it. As for work we both work two jobs.We work one in the day and one in the evening as well as my bf. I guess my question if we did decide to get a place together in the near future for me is how to tell my family? Needless to say he'd be the second person I lived with (First was my ex fiancee) . However I am catholic and he isn't.  As for my family being strictly religious they wouldn't approve of us living together and getting a place before marriage. I want to be happy and do what i want for our relationship however I don't want to hurt or my family to be upset with me if they found out I had a place with him without being married or engaged. For me it personally doesn't bother me living or being together without a ring or marriage quite yet. Anyone ever been in this situation or can relate? I'd appreciate the feedback!
  

  So you have been dating for what, 3 months? Don't move in. You're in serious honeymoon phase right now. You met him only 5 months ago; you can't possibly know him well enough to start sharing bills. That shit will get sticky if things don't work out.

  
  

  Also, no, I can't Google AS with just two letters to go on. That could be a number of different things, at least one of which doesn't sound like a 'minor disability.' But I'm just going to ignore that for the bigger problem that you're moving way way way too fast.

  
  

  Plus, if you are Catholic and believe in the teachings of the Church, you would also want to get married before living together. If you are adult enough to be planning a future with someone, though, you are also adult enough to not let other people's feelings on the subject affect you.

  
  

  Finally what's with the bolded? How many ups and downs can you possibly have had in 5 fucking months? If you've been on that much of a damn rollercoaster, why would you be so dead set on a future with this person unless you just like the drama?

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• VOR member

  

  October 2014

  Yea. Slow your roll. You haven't known him all that long and to have "ups and downs" so early isn't a great sign.

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• GilliC member

  

  October 2014

  I do agree with the others that you should take more time first. Are you renting? It is absolutely too early to own joint property, so if you're talking about buying a place, I'm jumping up and down saying "wait longer!" If you are renting, sign another one-year lease, and then if you're still ready to move in together, you'll have plenty of time to shop around next year.

  
  

  A lot of couples move in too early, and that makes them less likely to call it quits when a true dealbreaker comes up. It's incredibly uncommon to have all of that hashed out in less than a year. I know how you feel about wanting to move forward, and a year sounds sooo long! But you have the rest of your lives to be together! So a year is really just a tiny drop in the bucket.

  
  

  That said, to answer your question, you really just have to accept that not everyone will agree with your opinions or your decisions. It sucks, but it's true. My parents (my mother especially) has the same mindset, and she hated my boss at my part-time job in high school for the sole reason that he was "living in sin." So I had huge pressure from her expectations in this area. Many years later, I'm divorced, which was an even bigger blow to her and her "what will they think at church" mentality.

  
  

  When you do move in together, you have to be firm but understanding about it. Explain to your family that you know it's not what they want, but stress that you want to be absolutely sure that the decision that you're right for each before you get married, and that includes understanding each other's housekeeping habits, lifestyles, etc. Hopefully they'll understand that you feel it's a responsible decision, rather than a fleeting whim (waiting a bit longer will also help in this area). Unfortunately, depending on your family, they may still be upset. But it's your decision, and you have to be ready for that. It's hard to disagree with your family, but sometimes you do have to agree to disagree on some very important issues.

  

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  Jennybeansmommy26 said:

  The bf and I have recently been discussing our future and possibly within the next few months into the next year moving into together. We have known each other for 5 months so far, however we been offical since July.  While early on in our relationship/friendship we had our ups and downs.I am 26 almost 27 in January. He is 25 although was 24 when we met.  However despite his minor disability of AS ( if anyone is unformiliar with this sydrome you can google it) we care so much for each other and so much want a future together. We get along so well and enjoy being together and doing things. I understand we are still learning and growing with each other.  Recently he's been staying over alot more than usual and we have been getting along real well. It's so nice having him around and I love it. As for work we both work two jobs.We work one in the day and one in the evening as well as my bf. I guess my question if we did decide to get a place together in the near future for me is how to tell my family? Needless to say he'd be the second person I lived with (First was my ex fiancee) . However I am catholic and he isn't.  As for my family being strictly religious they wouldn't approve of us living together and getting a place before marriage. I want to be happy and do what i want for our relationship however I don't want to hurt or my family to be upset with me if they found out I had a place with him without being married or engaged. For me it personally doesn't bother me living or being together without a ring or marriage quite yet. Anyone ever been in this situation or can relate? I'd appreciate the feedback!
  

  Your family accepts it or they do not.
  
  The thing is this: this is your life and you're an adult. The decision is yours and not theirs.
  
  This is no longer pre-Vatican II times.  Lots of Catholics started to cohabitate not long after Vatican II was in effect so that makes it about 40 years of cohabitating minus marriage.
  
  I personally think it is way too early to move in.
  
  Why don't you wait about a year and see how things are?
  
  He may not even be with you a year from now! Way too early to move in.
  
  Relationships take awhile to 'work out" --- you have to see if he is dependable and if he is somebody you can date for the long run --- you and he are still in the infatuation stage.
  
  Wait a year.
  
  And then see if you still want to live with him.
  
  We also don't know how long it's been since you broke off with your former FI -- and we also don't know what the "ups and downs" are. Some backstory on that would help --- and if you are having a bumpy ride now, sorry:
  
  That's not grounds for living together. This relationship is only qualified for the trash bin, not moving in together.
  

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  October 2014

  Nobody even attends church the way they used to -- another sign of the times -- but if you are active in your faith, yo might want to rethink cohabititation.
  
  Another thing:
  
  Are you the mother of a child? Your sceenname seems to indicate that you are.
  
  And if you are...another story altogether.
  
  This is way way too early to be moving in; a small child is involved!
  
  This is already a bit of a mess. You are moving way too fast, child or not -- and when there is a kiddo involved, wow -- wait a year before you introduce the boyfriend to the child! You don't go moving in together after a scant 5 months of dating.
  
  
  

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• Erikan73 member

  

  October 2014

  I agree with the others that you should wait with moving in together. As for your families to be more comfortable with the idea, the more time they get to spend with your BF getting to know him, the more comfortable they will feel. What parent would feel ok about their daughter moving in with a guy that they as the parents barely knows. As for the religious aspect of it, how important is that to you? You need to think about that and also talk to BF on how important it is to him. It may be early in the relationship but if you are strong in your faith & want a catholic wedding or if you have kids to have them baptised catholic, how does BF feel about those things? And would he be willing to do whatever is necessary to make sure that happens? Again, I know it's early on, but those things can cause big problems if a couple isn't on the same page & why not figure out now if you are on the same page with those types of things before investing any more time into the relationship? I bring this up because typically the point of living together (in my opinion) is in preperation of the next step engagement/marriage. If there is no desire to take the relationship to that point, why move in together which makes breaking up more complicated?

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• Jennybeansmommy26 newb

  

  October 2014

  I appreciate all the feedback however I felt some of you were a bit rude. First of all I don't have any kids I just have a cat. Neither of us have kids. Second of all this is just something we're thinking of down the road a year or so. I am not necessarily in a rush but i deeply care about this person and want all to work out. If you must know the reason I had issues and misunderstandings in the beginning was because of my past and his past also his condition he has. Also if you do google AS artbyallie  it should come up. It is called Asperger's sydrome. Again I appreciate the feeback but I highly doubt I will be posting  anything ever again.
  

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• Jennybeansmommy26 newb

  

  October 2014

  @Erikan73     I appreciate your reply. I feel your reply was the most nice and best.
  

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• artbyallie member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  Jennybeansmommy26 said: I appreciate all the feedback however I felt some of you were a bit rude. First of all I don't have any kids I just have a cat. Neither of us have kids. Second of all this is just something we're thinking of down the road a year or so. I am not necessarily in a rush but i deeply care about this person and want all to work out. If you must know the reason I had issues and misunderstandings in the beginning was because of my past and his past also his condition he has. Also if you do google AS artbyallie  it should come up. It is called Asperger's sydrome. Again I appreciate the feeback but I highly doubt I will be posting  anything ever again.
  
  
  
  
  ETF: because the boxes conspire against me
  
  Asperger's did come up, but so did Angelman Syndrome, among other things. You asked for feedback. We answered honestly. But clearly you know better. Ta-ta, and don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

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• TarponMonoxide member

  

  October 2014

  artbyallie said:

  Jennybeansmommy26 said:

  I appreciate all the feedback however I felt some of you were a bit rude. First of all I don't have any kids I just have a cat. Neither of us have kids. Second of all this is just something we're thinking of down the road a year or so. I am not necessarily in a rush but i deeply care about this person and want all to work out. If you must know the reason I had issues and misunderstandings in the beginning was because of my past and his past also his condition he has. Also if you do google AS artbyallie  it should come up. It is called Asperger's sydrome. Again I appreciate the feeback but I highly doubt I will be posting  anything ever again.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  ETF: because the boxes conspire against me

  
  

  
  

  Asperger's did come up, but so did Angelman Syndrome, among other things. You asked for feedback. We answered honestly. But clearly you know better. Ta-ta, and don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! We were a "bit rude" because we are spot on with our advice.  We gave good honest advice and he OP didn't like it.
  
  What can you do.
  
  When this thing blows up and is over in the flash of a second, don't come a-runnin' to us.
  
  We won't be home.
  

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• Jennybeansmommy26 newb

  

  October 2014

  Thanks all for your advice by the way thanks for the "nice and supportive" advice
  

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• catsareniice1 member

  

  October 2014

  I don't think anyone was being rude. Straight forward and honest, yes. It's hard not to take things personal sometimes. I truly think everyone here is looking out for your best interest. Good luck with your decision!

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• GilliC member

  

  October 2014

  Jennybeansmommy26 said:

  Thanks all for your advice by the way thanks for the "nice and supportive" advice
  

  I assume that's sarcasm, so I wrote all of that out for nothing? Why do I even bother? Who cares that I went through something similar with my family and speak from experience?! Apparently you didn't want real advice, so let me rephrase my answer:

  
  

  It will all be fine! As soon as you guys move in together, the rainbow unicorn fairy will come in the night and sprinkle happy dust all over your family, and they will realize that the grace of God has led you to live together, and it is not sinful at all! So you really shouldn't worry about this! Hairpats and hugs! Squeee!!!!
  
  

  

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• BlueBirdMB member

  

  October 2014

  If you've had ups and downs in the first 5 months, then this isn't a good relationship.  5 months is the most honeymoon of all honeymoon phases.  You should be making puppy dog eyes and giggling at each other, not having conflict.

  
  

  If you don't plan to move in for a year, then wait a while before making that decision.  Don't think about the move in or you'll be putting unnecessary pressure on yourselves.  Give your relationship a chance to grow on it's own without worrying about the future for now.  Just enjoy!

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