Bank Accounts

noffgurl · November 2014

So H and I fight a lot. 99% of this fighting revolves around money. We have mutually decided to seperate bank accounts. We will have three accounts one for bills that we will each contribute to and then our own individual accounts. Has anyone done this? Any tips?

Wulfgar · November 2014

MW and I have not mixed accounts and we have been married for roughly 2 years and been living together for 7 years. We don't fight about money though, she is not a huge shopper and I try my hardest to keep my shopping under control. I am getting a lot better at telling myself no when it comes to spur of the moment shopping.

Without additional information, it is hard to know what the underlying reason for your fights.

noffgurl · November 2014

We have been married three years, together five as of yesterday. We have definitely had fights about other things, but like I said the majority is about money. The reason we fight about money is I like to plan out the pay checks and put money away for different things and have a set amount to pay for all the misc things. He considers that to be micromanaging and wants me to relax and as long as our major bills get paid then do whatever you want. We can agree on just about everything but money. So, we have agreed to put our respective paychecks in seperate bank accounts and each pay an even amount into our current joint account for the main bills. So this way our food, savings, debt, gas, all the extras can be done individually and hopefully we won't fight anywhere near as much.

vlagrl29 · November 2014

I did this with my first husband , but not by choice. I didn't think it was fair because he made good money and I barely made anything. It made me feel like I didn't have any say in where our money went and also made me feel like he had all of the $$ control.

If this is what works for you guys, I strongly suggest putting POD's on all separate accounts. If someone passes away, god forbid, you don't want the others money going into probate.

DH and I agree so much on money and it's just easier for us to have everything joint and have me pay all the bills and keep track of those things.

als1982 · November 2014

We each have separate accounts where we keep our individual mad money ($300 per person a month). That way he doesn't have to hear me complain why he buys gas station Monster and donuts (gross), and I don't have to listen if he questions why I would spend $250 on a pair of shoes. Everything else goes into our joint checking account. Might that be an option for you?

I know separate finances absolutely can work, but I can also see how it would lead to inequality and some couples "keeping score."

vlagrl29 · November 2014

als1982 said:

We each have separate accounts where we keep our individual mad money ($300 per person a month). That way he doesn't have to hear me complain why he buys gas station Monster and donuts (gross), and I don't have to listen if he questions why I would spend $250 on a pair of shoes. Everything else goes into our joint checking account. Might that be an option for you?

I know separate finances absolutely can work, but I can also see how it would lead to inequality and some couples "keeping score."

I think I threw up a little in my mouth

mana8503 · November 2014

als1982 said:
We each have separate accounts where we keep our individual mad money ($300 per person a month). That way he doesn't have to hear me complain why he buys gas station Monster and donuts (gross), and I don't have to listen if he questions why I would spend $250 on a pair of shoes. Everything else goes into our joint checking account. Might that be an option for you?

I know separate finances absolutely can work, but I can also see how it would lead to inequality and some couples "keeping score."

If we separate finances I'd push for that. I made more but I don't see that as a reason to spend more. We each have fun money (same amount). I just keep track on mint.com rather than open new accounts. But we also agree on finances after a few hard years of fighting over it.

blondie42107 · November 2014

Initially after we were married, we kept our own accounts but added each other to the accounts. This wasn't great for us. Our incomes are different and it was a pain trying to figure out what regular expenses would come out of each account. Then if an unexpected bill came up, who would pay that? Things have been great since we decided on using one account. The other account is still open but we don't really use it. It's good for stashing savings.

Xstatic3333 · November 2014

We have separate accounts, just since we lived together for a long time before we got married and we already had a "system" down for who pays which bill. It works ok and I'm too lazy to change it, but I actually think in our case one account would reduce fighting by holding us both more accountable.

It sounds like you and your H have similar attitudes about money to me and mine. H fought the budget for a long time. He'd ask "when can we just relax?" and I'd say "probably never-welcome to adult life." We had to find goals we could both agree on (gazelle-intense debt payoff doesn't work for H, but a savings and retirement focus does) and I've had to work on reducing my nagging. It's still tough sometimes.

I like @als1124‌'s system idea. This is similar to what we do-all money goes to bills or goals on payday and what remains is fun money, gas, and groceries.

Erikan73 · November 2014

We have individual checking accounts and a joint checking account. We each get an agreed upon amount deposited each pay into our individual accounts. For lack of a better term, I call it our allowance. It's money that neither of us has to answer for. He likes to use his for golf and going out for lunch, I use mine for shopping. The rest of the money goes into the joint checking and all of our regular bills are set up for automatic withdrawal from that account. Any misc. expenses like food, pets, dining out, comes from that account too but we have a set budget for that that I keep track of on an app. Sometimes if hubby really wants to go out to eat & there isn't money left in our joint budget but he has some left in his individual account, he'll treat. This works for us because hubby doesn't like to deal with bills and this helps to make sure we don't add more debt to our list that we are working on paying down. We do discuss our finances and it's becoming a more regular thing. I think the key is to finding a method and budget that works for both of you. I would recommend sitting down and writting out a budget for all the must pay bills like mortgage, utilities, insurance, food, etc. Then see how much is left after you have paid for all the must pay expenses and come to an agreement on how much each of you can have to do whatever you want with and agree, that as long as you don't spend more then what you have been alloted, you won't get on each others case about what they are doing with the money.

jessica490 · November 2014

We lived together about 4 years before getting married and we had kept our accounts/paychecks separate and we just split the bills which worked out good for us at that time. We did whatever we wanted with our leftover money until we decided to get engaged and that's when we opened up a joint savings account to save for the wedding.

After the wedding, we combined our checking accounts and opened up more savings accounts for vacations and a house dp and it still works out well for us. Luckily we have the same financial goals and we have very few financial arguments.

brij2006 · November 2014

Check out the book, "Smart Couples Finish Rich" by David Bach. It will help you both get a better understanding about each others' money habits and understanding with money. Definitely do the worksheets at the beginning.

I highly recommend not doing separate accounts. If you already disagree on money and how it's spent, then you're just going to resent each other about how you are using your money to both save and play, while he is just spending. Or you may end up taking on any extra bills that arise because he's already spent all of his money. It's best to get on a game plan for money instead and set out some family goals for the both of you.

However, definitely budget in some "mad money" for both of you. Pull this out at some point in the month (or weekly) and each of you have it in cash. When it's gone, it's gone.

If I'm remembering correctly, you have quite a bit of debt you're trying to tackle on top of him wanting to purchase his own semi for hauling. Definitely invest in Dave Ramsey's, "Total Money Makeover" book. It's $10 right now on daveramsey.com. You can even get it in audio version for your H to listen to while in the semi. It sounds like you both have your ideas on the money and not a joint plan with it.

KatieCutie05 · November 2014

Separate accounts won't solve your problem - it will just create new ones. Have you ever lived together with separate accounts in the past? Do you have any idea how it will go? Have you ever had to go through a job loss when living together with separate accounts? Have you ever tried anything similar? The same key differences between the two of you that cause problems joint will cause problems separate and vice versa. My husbands always been a spender who just wants to relax and live life without having to worry about living on a budget... and i've always been the opposite... so you'd think that going separate would help.. it doesnt. We know from experience it would only cause different disagreements and more separation.... "you owe me money" - "i'm not paying for that" - "why am i paying for everything"... Then comes the job losses and him supporting me while i'm unemployed - then me supporting him while he was unemployed. One person making more money - one person has more debt - one person gets all the fun stuff - and the list goes on. We didn't think of anything as a what "we" want, need, or can afford. It was me and it was him. We thought it meant we wouldn't be effected by the other persons habits - but we still were. That will never change. But when we were separate we had no say on how the other person spent their money and we just had to suck it up and deal with it. Now we still don't agree - but atleast we have a say. You just have to figure out how to work together - thats the only solution. Its not the easiest but its the only way that actually works.

Try just loosening up on the budget and being less strict and giving him a say. Don't use it to control him.... if he needs freedom then up his spending money and give it to him in cash. Cash is the new thing we're trying this month. It seems to be helping so far but its only the 10th. I love not knowing and not needing to track how his spending is going - and he loves that he doesn't need "permission" or he doesn't need to hear me complain about how much he's spending and where. Now he's just gotta prove to me he's trust worthy and he can handle it on his own. - we'll see how that goes in a few weeks. Even the spender doesn't want separate accounts - that should say a lot. He'll be the first to admit he's no good on his own.

hoffse · November 2014

brij2006 said:

Check out the book, "Smart Couples Finish Rich" by David Bach. It will help you both get a better understanding about each others' money habits and understanding with money. Definitely do the worksheets at the beginning.

I highly recommend not doing separate accounts. If you already disagree on money and how it's spent, then you're just going to resent each other about how you are using your money to both save and play, while he is just spending. Or you may end up taking on any extra bills that arise because he's already spent all of his money. It's best to get on a game plan for money instead and set out some family goals for the both of you.
However, definitely budget in some "mad money" for both of you. Pull this out at some point in the month (or weekly) and each of you have it in cash. When it's gone, it's gone.

If I'm remembering correctly, you have quite a bit of debt you're trying to tackle on top of him wanting to purchase his own semi for hauling. Definitely invest in Dave Ramsey's, "Total Money Makeover" book. It's $10 right now on daveramsey.com. You can even get it in audio version for your H to listen to while in the semi. It sounds like you both have your ideas on the money and not a joint plan with it.

I agree with Brij that this is part of the risk with separate accounts.

H and I have everything combined. We now make within $5000/year of each other, but up until September I made basically everything and he was finishing school. We still did things joint when we were effectively single-income. We work credit cards for points, and separating out "fun" vs. "necessities" would be a huge pain in the butt. We use different credit cards based on how much we get back in rewards, not based on whose bank account the payment should come out of.

Keeping separate accounts is really a psychological thing. Hopefully you both realize that the money you each earn ultimately goes to the betterment of you two as a couple. Even if some categories are entirely "yours" and others are entirely "his," it's important to find ways to make both of you happy with whatever money you are bringing in. Separate accounts for "fun money" works great for a lot of people because it's a designated amount that the other can't judge. Still, it has the end result of making you happier as a couple since you aren't restricting each other in ways that produce fights.

I think that system breaks down when you have a huge spender with a huge saver and you go fully separate. Any emergencies that pop up will be financed by the saver, and that leads to resentment. If you want to go separate, then do the "mad money" or "fun account" thing that other people described.

formerlyGDaisy09 · November 2014

Agreed with Hoffse and Brij...I'm not sure that separate accounts are your problem here.

we do joint accounts, because we're a team, we have the same goals, so as long as our spending is aligned with those goals it doesn't matter where it came from.

My H is also a spender (I have my spendy moments too, but usually only after careful thought about how it fits into our budget). We've also gone the cash route for our fun money, most of H's issue was that it was so easy for him to swipe a credit card he was underestimating what he was spending and going over budget every month. and I mean really over spending, his fun budget is $50, he would spend $100+ in a month and think he was on target. so far so good with the cash. It's made me more aware too.

noffgurl · November 2014

I have tried set budgets for fun money and have tried cash and it never fails if he goes over than I need to be budgeting more for it, but we don't necessarily have that more because I want to save up for something or pay down debt and then thats a huge huge fight because I shouldn't be so worried about it all the time. As long as our most basic bills are paid he wants to buy anime or a truck or whatever else. He could care less about giving gifts or paying old debt or any of that when I'm trying to save or do it. On the other end though, when he gets it in his mind that he wants something big (a truck, to move, etc.) and we don't have all the money in the bank account right then and there then he flips out like nobody's business. I try to explain that we have to save up for big stuff, then it's a fight because the only reason we couldn't save it up is because I went and got a drink from the gas station. Well, yes I did, because when I'm fought on every financial goal I would like to accomplish and he's blowing the money, I just don't care anymore. I'm too much of a micromanager and need to relax. But I want big things, so I want a separate account that he can't touch and I can save up with and possibly move out on my own. But money is the only place we fight like this.

brij2006 · November 2014

I feel like I should add this. H and I had separate accounts for the first 4 years of living together (we weren't married). Everything was split in half. Mortgage, utilities, groceries, taxes, etc. However, I took care of my car, insurance, etc and he took care of his. I was the saver and he was the spender. He was unemployed for 9 months and I refused to help because he made the choice to not have anything more than $3k in his savings while I had a fully funded emergency fund. When we got married we joined our accounts. We both knew exactly what each other had, but it was still an eye opener. He brought in $0 in his savings and a $900 CC bill that he "forgot" about. Where I brought in a fully funded E-fund and paid for $5k worth of wedding expenses and our honeymoon. You bet your ass that it created resentment on my end right from the start of our marriage. I did not want to join accounts because I was afraid of him depleting the Efund I made sacrifices to have. Unfortunately it took us making some stupid decisions that first year and doing a fertility treatment we couldn't afford (then miscarrying) before we both opened our eyes that we weren't on the same page. It wasn't the joint account that was going to ruin our marriage and future, it was that we weren't on the same game plan with money. We started the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey just 1 week after losing our child and having all of the medical bills roll in and depleting much of our savings.

It's worth its weight in gold if you both read it and get on board with the plan. For the first time ever, we both know what's happening with our finances and we feel like we live a more fulfilling life because we can budget in things we want to do. Our money arguments have gone from twice a week to rarely ever.

formerlyGDaisy09 · November 2014

I think it does sound like you need your separate account so that he doesn't leave you in a lurch because he decided to make a large purchase.

I think that is a temporary solution.

It sounds like your long term goals are not aligned, and that's not necessarily a conversation that needs to focus on the money aspect of it, but will need to touch on it. you guys need to figure out what your goals are, so you can both be excited about having a plan for your money that is going to get you there.

I take on the majority of the burden in our marriage of tracking out money and figuring out what of our wants we can afford to do and which we can't. its a lot of pressure, but my H gets overwhelmed by it, he has bills he's responsible for making sure get paid, but he'd rather just leave the more complicated stuff to me. BUT before I took on that role we sat down and agreed on a budget, we both agreed on it and createdd it together, so when he says, "lets go out to dinner" and I say "sorry, that's not in the budget" it doesn't turn into a fight, it just is what it is.

splotch716 · November 2014

I am mostly a lurker here but my DH and I fight about once a month over money. We have separate accounts at this time. I brought a lot of debt into our marriage and feel that it is my responsibility to take care of it. We split all of the household bills down the middle. If there is something that I need and can't afford he will get it for me, but I only do this with needs. I have one more year of payments on my credit card consolidation before it is paid off. We talk about joining our accounts after that. This is when we argue about how things will be budgeted. We don't have the same goals. He wants to travel to every country in his lifetime among other travel goals. I want to save up for a house and a new car. The compromise is not as much will go to house dp and new car as I want but not as much will go to travel as he wants. I have read both of the books being recommended but my DH hasn't. They have helped me look at money and my debt in a different way. It is hard when both don't have the same goals in mind.

strickland8052 · November 2014

It sounds like your H needs to get on board with saving and planning. From what you said, I don't think you are a micromanager or that seperate checking accounts are the answer. I agree with PPs about reading books and talking about your goals together as a couple. Suze Orman's books and her tv show are also a great resources.

H and I have separate checking accounts, because we just didn't feel like merging when we got married. H pays the mortgage and I pay all the bills/groceries (this comes out to where we are each contributing about the same). We both save as much as we possibly can and each spend about $100 a month in "fun money". We talk to each other if we want to make a large purchase (anything over $100) and we help each other out when one of us encounters an unexpected expense (car repair or hospital bill). I think the biggest thing that helps is that together we have a very specific plan on where we want our money to go over the next couple of years.

For us, I think that having separate checking accounts helps us avoid some arguments. I prefer to work CCs for the points, whereas he is horrified of CCs. I spend all my "free money" on running gear and race entry fees, whereas he spends all of his on eating fast food. His poor health habits and fear of the unknown (like CCs) are our main two reasons for fighting. So I'm glad that we have separate accounts, so that the monthly statement doesn't have to remind me of these two annoyances.

Xstatic3333 · November 2014

noffgurl said:
I have tried set budgets for fun money and have tried cash and it never fails if he goes over than I need to be budgeting more for it, but we don't necessarily have that more because I want to save up for something or pay down debt and then thats a huge huge fight because I shouldn't be so worried about it all the time. As long as our most basic bills are paid he wants to buy anime or a truck or whatever else. He could care less about giving gifts or paying old debt or any of that when I'm trying to save or do it. On the other end though, when he gets it in his mind that he wants something big (a truck, to move, etc.) and we don't have all the money in the bank account right then and there then he flips out like nobody's business. I try to explain that we have to save up for big stuff, then it's a fight because the only reason we couldn't save it up is because I went and got a drink from the gas station. Well, yes I did, because when I'm fought on every financial goal I would like to accomplish and he's blowing the money, I just don't care anymore. I'm too much of a micromanager and need to relax. But I want big things, so I want a separate account that he can't touch and I can save up with and possibly move out on my own. But money is the only place we fight like this.

Not to be harsh, but I don't think the way your H is acting is okay. I don't think separate accounts will fix this. It sounds like he wants to magically have money without putting in the effort for it, and that's not adult life. I don't say this lightly, but I might look at talking to a counselor about getting on the same page. It's not right for him to blame all of the money issues on you.

Lots of us have different money attitudes than our SO and have found ways to make it work. He just needs to realize that getting there is important. I definitely recommend one or all of the books PP mentioned. Tell him it's extrmely important that he read one WITH you. You guys are having tough financial times, and you'll need to work together to make it better. You can't do it alone. GL, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

hoffse · November 2014

It takes a while to figure out your roles in your financial relationship with each other. But it's important to have candid conversations about it.

H is naturally a spender. Luckily, he doesn't want much... but he's never really hesitated to buy the things he does want. I'm the opposite. I want a lot of things, but it pains me to spend money.

My H is also the type that's spontaneous, quick on his feet, etc. He's very good at living in the "now." I'm the opposite - my head is almost always 5 years into the future.

We actually sat down one day and talked about these qualities that we have. They could cause lots of strife between us beacuse we're so different... but instead we decided to channel that into assigning roles for each of us that fits us.

So I keep track of the money. Because I want things, and because my head is in the future, I'm also the one who projects out our financial plan to achieve long-term goals. H has agreed to ask me when he wants something before just buying it. Most of the time we can make it work, but sometimes we can't. That's his compromise. My compromise is that I actually have to relinquish some of that money and spend it so I don't make both of us miserable. My H's job is to help identify the times I'm really depriving one of us and then sort of encourage me to be spontaneous in that moment and just spend the money (usually the thing I'm agonizing over is $25 or less). If we ever have an emergency, H is also the one to figure it out. He thinks on his feet much more quickly than I do. We have found that designating roles that play to our strengths helps reduce the fighting.

It also helps to set a common goal. We have both found it much easier to say "no" to blowing our budget when we're working toward something far more awesome. Buying a house is more awesome than eating out. Taking 2 or 3 trips to Europe before we have kids is more awesome than buying new clothes. I think that paying off debt is more awesome than having a huge alcohol budget - though I admit that it can take some time before you start to get excited about paying off debt. But whatever it is, having something that you can work toward together really helps... especially if your goal is something that can happen in the not-too-distant future (maybe 18 months or less).

I also send H reports a few times a week of where we are at. I track our spending on a google doc, and he looks at a few times a week too so that he can see how much is left in each category.

hoffse · November 2014

One other thing I found is that my H is super competitive with himself. So if I make saving money a game, he's all in.

Example: we borrowed money for H's last year of law school. I asked him to try to cut back on his spending so that there would be at least $5K leftover when he graduated. That way he would have a sufficient buffer for an emergency, and we could "return" whatever money he didn't spend.

He got super competitive with himself about saving money, and he wound up doubling what I asked for. Granted, he lived on rice and beans for a year, but the amount of money he did not spend was astonishing given what he started the year with. For example, he was spending around $150/month on feeding himself... including groceries and fast food. I don't think he bought new clothes the entire year. Most of his money was going to rent and utilities. His "fun money" was primarily spent at a used bookstore in Nashville that sells paperbacks for $0.25 each.

Something like that might work with your H too.

noffgurl · November 2014

I think a big factor for us is that neither of us lived on our own for more than a couple of months before getting together. Another huge thing is neither had good role models for anything let alone finances. We both come from families who each buy a lot of fun toys whenever they want but have nothing in terms of retirement and have huge amounts of debt. His mom frequently asks for money and my mom lets her bills go until the day before shut off or repoing. I don't want to live like that and I know he doesn't either. But I think he has it in his mind that we make more so we should be able to afford those toys and if I say no it's like I'm acting like a parent and he resents that.

MommyLiberty5013 · November 2014

noffgurl said:

I have tried set budgets for fun money and have tried cash and it never fails if he goes over than I need to be budgeting more for it, but we don't necessarily have that more because I want to save up for something or pay down debt and then thats a huge huge fight because I shouldn't be so worried about it all the time. As long as our most basic bills are paid he wants to buy anime or a truck or whatever else. He could care less about giving gifts or paying old debt or any of that when I'm trying to save or do it. On the other end though, when he gets it in his mind that he wants something big (a truck, to move, etc.) and we don't have all the money in the bank account right then and there then he flips out like nobody's business. I try to explain that we have to save up for big stuff, then it's a fight because the only reason we couldn't save it up is because I went and got a drink from the gas station. Well, yes I did, because when I'm fought on every financial goal I would like to accomplish and he's blowing the money, I just don't care anymore. I'm too much of a micromanager and need to relax. But I want big things, so I want a separate account that he can't touch and I can save up with and possibly move out on my own. But money is the only place we fight like this.

You are not a micro-manager. Period. You are a planner and a saver and there's a huge difference between being those and a micro-manager. You can debate all you want with your DH about separate accounts and budgets; however, those are just the symptoms of a deeper issue. The fundamental problem here is that you two view money and it's purposes in different ways. These differences then cause you to not be able to get on the same page when it comes to the daily grind of making a household run financially. You and he should set these "daily" or "monthly" issues aside temporarily and focus on the fundamentals about money - what it is and what to do with it. If you and he can figure out a plan/agreement hopefully the smaller issues like buying drinks at gas stations won't cause arguments.

I also recommend Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach. Also, ideas from Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman may help you two out.

dragonstarjk · November 2014

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dragonstarjk · November 2014

Like pps have said, this is not about whether you have joint or separate bank accounts. I don't believe there's a right or wrong in this case, just what's right for a specific couple. My H and I have separate bank accounts as we dated for 7 years before getting married and already had arrangements for who pays for what. We never fight about money. I'm a saver and he's a spender, so I save up to pay for our bigger things like vacations, new mattress set, etc. and he pays for more day to day things like eating out, pet care, etc. H has one checking account; I have three checking accounts and three savings accounts. It's just really never been an issue because we are on the same page about money and spending, regardless of where the money is held.

The problem here that I see is that you two are not on the same page; moving money around in separate bank accounts isn't going to change that fact. This is alarming to me "But I want big things, so I want a separate account that he can't touch and I can save up with and possibly move out on my own. "

If this is how you really feel, I don't think finances are the root of the problem in your relationship.

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