GTKY: Our TTC Story (LR/PR)

DH and I always talked about having children.  We probably started talking about it six months into our relationship.  We by no means were ready at that point, but definitely knew that if we were to get married, then we would want a family.

Shortly after getting married, we decided that we wanted to buy a house prior to trying to start a family.  DH didn’t know what it was like to live in a house you owned, as in Portugal they had a family farm with dirt floors and an outhouse, and when he moved to the states, they moved into and stayed in a tiny two-bedroom apartment.  I however, had grown up in a large house that my dad built, where each of the four kids had their own room and we had enough bathrooms for everyone as well, definitely not just one to share between 4 of us.  So we made our house our goal.  DH was working at a hotel at the time and saving was difficult.  I was working in my degree field, Athletic Training, but my profession is a very low paying profession and therefore, we were doing fine in our one-bedroom apartment, but saving for a house was slightly beyond our means.  DH decided to make a career change and went to the police academy.  In order to support our house while he was doing that unpaid, I changed careers into the oil and gas industry, which was booming in our area.  I was able to support us in our one-bedroom apartment while he worked one or two nights at the hotel to help us save.  Shortly after he graduated, he was able to land a full time position and the super saving began. 

I went off of the BC I had been on for about 9 years in December of that year (2013).  I wanted to give my body a chance to return to my original schedule, which was pretty regular, and sure enough I was lucky to fall right back into a 28 day cycle.

In January, when he had been at his position for about a year and I was pretty well comfortable at my job, we felt we had enough money saved to make a down payment and move into a home of our own.  We found what we thought was the house of our dreams (for a starter house at least), in early February and went through a 60-day closing procedure so we could finish out the term of our lease at our apartment.  On the day of closing, the bank dropped the ball and refused to fight for us, and we lost the house.  No amount of negotiation brought the sellers back.

In the middle of our 60-day closing, we started trying.  We were technically not-not trying, but in the back of my mind, I knew when I thought I was ovulating and tried to help the process along more quickly.  Sure enough on March 28, we received a BFP in our first cycle of trying.  There were many tears and for some reason on my part, a ton of fear.  I’ll post more about it in another GTKY post but my father-in-law passed away pretty suddenly on Feburary 28^th, April 3^rd was our projected closing date and when that fell through, I felt like everything in our lives was falling apart, so why would our pregnancy work out well for us.  I still feel a lot of guilt about those feelings because only a few short weeks later, on April 26^th, we lost our little angel at 7w5d.  I still tear up about it every time I think about it.  I know that nothing we did or didn’t do caused our baby to go to Heaven, but I definitely hold myself somewhat accountable because of the fear and doubts I had about our baby.  We have found some comfort in saying that my father-in-law couldn’t take his other grandbaby with him to Heaven, so he took ours with him to keep him happy in Heaven while he waits for all of us.

We waited one cycle before trying again, had an unsuccessful cycle, and were blessed by a squinter BFP on our two-year anniversary, and two days after the closing of our house, on July 6^th.  DH was in serious disbelief and made me pee on sticks for about a week afterwards so he could watch the lines get darker.  I could tell he was apprehensive, but I was so ready to love this child no matter the outcome.  I will not deny that I was scared to death, but I would not let myself feel the guilt I felt from doubting our first baby.

I’m very happily 21 weeks+ pregnant with our little man.  This pregnancy has been difficult compared to the first, when I felt amazing, and have just now started to not have all-day sickness.  I try to let go of my feelings of worry, guilt, fear, etc. and just enjoy every day as much as I can.  DH is super excited about a first-born son and as each week passes, I think we both realize that come March, we will be holding this baby.  At least that’s what I repeat to myself every day!