GTKY - Something Real (LR)

simsk3887 · November 2014

DH’s family has always been interesting to me. I know that interesting isn’t the correct word, but I’m unsure of how else to put it. His family is very different from mine and I think that’s what makes us so interested in each other’s backgrounds.

His dad, even though he didn’t speak much English at all, always seemed to laugh and carry on with us and enjoy his time. He definitely had some major flaws in that he was abusive of DHs whole family growing up in Portugal, and unfortunately started back into those tendencies with his mom after DH left home. DH would stand up to his dad and fight for his mom, but then we would learn that DH’s mom was making up stories to get DH to come visit so it created a small rift in DH and his dad’s relationship.

One thing for sure in the midst of all of this was that his dad was always a hard worker. When he came here from Portugal, he immediately started working for a labor union and tried to provide well for his family. The labor industry did a number on his body and at 54, he required a double knee replacement, but chose to only have one done. For some reason DH’s family is very dramatic and with my background in Athletic Training (a part of the healthcare field), I knew that this surgery, while difficult, was definitely not the end of the world. My father in law was convinced he would never walk again, would need a wheelchair, and could just give up on daily life. He needed someone to put on his socks for him for months afterwards and would complain if we turned on a ceiling fan in the house because the cold air ‘bothered’ his knee replacement. It was all very difficult to just sit back and watch, but being the outsider who doesn’t speak Portuguese, I couldn’t really do much to help. It really opened my eyes to how much they exaggerated things.

Fast forward about a year later to September 2013. We received a call from DH’s brother that his dad was in the hospital. I chalked it up to being dramatic and attention-seeking but apparently my FIL had found a lump on his chest that rapidly grew over the weekend and turned bright red. I honestly didn’t believe it for a second. I thought he probably walked into something and got a bump and scratch. I didn’t even think for two seconds what the worst case scenario would be.

The next few weeks passed so quickly. We received general updates of he has this doctor’s appointment or I’m taking him for these tests, but never put two and two together. On October 29, 2013 we received one of the most heartbreaking phone calls I have ever heard. DH’s brother was bawling (he’s not a crier) saying that my FIL had cancer in his brain and had a 50/50 chance of making it through the night. DH and I cried, made the necessary work phone calls, and got in the car. That drive was so painfully long, dark, and quiet. We arrived in Newark about 4am and the nurses made an exception to their rule to let us see him. He was much more alert than I had thought he would be and we were able to ask the nurses a slew of questions. We planned to return by 8am to talk to the oncologist about what was going on. It turned out that FIL had two very large tumors in his brain. They had put so much pressure on his brain that he passed out at home and lost all bodily functions. They planned surgery for the next day, but due to a complication on the MRI, they pushed it back to Halloween day. We received his diagnosis of breast cancer that had metastasized to his brain the next day. The surgery went as well as could have been expected and he was able to regain all function and head home a few days later. We knew we had a battle ahead; we definitely didn’t expect it to go quite the way it did.

*Note: I bawled my eyes out typing the following paragraph so if you’re a crier, I recommend not reading it at work.**

We said goodbye on February 25, 2014. We got 4 months. Three of those months were fine. He battled. He went to doctor’s appointments, took his meds, and tried to be there for major events, including our nephew’s birth, on the day before his (FIL’s) birthday. By February, things got really, really hard. The cancer had spread everywhere. What started in his breast not only went to his brain, but his lungs, kidneys, stomach, bones, lymph nodes, and blood. It was completely devastating. I know that it killed DH to be 5 hours away and only make trips every other week or so, but we did what we could. FIL’s final days were spent at home surrounded by family. We literally spent every second of the two days prior to his passing, by his side, listening to his labored breathing, and praying for him to let go and go to Heaven. We couldn’t sleep. DH barely moved and never let go of his dad’s hand. We knew FIL was in a lot of pain and was fighting to stay here for us. He was fighting to see us and his grandson one more time. It was so incredibly heartbreaking and watching him pass literally took the breath out of my body. Listening to DH cry and his mom scream absolutely killed me. I can still feel what I felt in that moment and see everything in the room where we were. I still haven’t entered that room again. I just can’t. I tried my hardest to be there and be strong for DH, but there are many times that I still have flashbacks to that day. I am forever changed for the love my FIL showed to me and his family, and the fight he put forth.